Top 5 Athletes In The Wrong Sport

When Brian, Kevin, and myself started talking about making a new blog, my ideas were coming out at a breakneck pace. Luckily, I was able to remain sober for long enough over last Christmas break to write down a few of the ideas I had.

I started thinking about this when I was in high school. Michigan State's basketball team was at the zenith of their turn-of-the-millennium glory days and I was seriously considering changing my name to Mateen Bell Richardson-Honer. As star-studded as those championship teams were, my favorite players to watch were the unheralded, underrated big men Antonio Smith and Aloysius Anagonye. To me, the only guys on the floor more fun to watch than mercurial point guards - think Zeke or CP3 - are hardworking, undersized bigs. After watching my boys leave MSU - Smith in '99 with a loss to Duke in the Final Four, Al in 2003 with an NCAA title and ZERO chance at an NBA career - I got to thinking, "They should try to be a defensive ends for the Lions!" It was, at first, a fleeting thought. For one, they probably weren't ready for the manhandling a good O-lineman would deliver every Sunday. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Their bodies were acclimated to some contact. After all, they were post players in the Big Ten (back when it was good). They both had great frames and were cut from marble. Why wouldn't they be worth - at the very least - a tryout with some piss-poor NFL team (shockingly, this would have excluded the Lions in '99, but not '03)?

Fast-forward to the winter of 2008. I had just witnessed another college basketball career end, that of my friend Zach. After his senior night game we took the revelry up to the friendly confines of Rick's in East Lansing. Those of you who've been to Rick's know what friendly confines I'm speaking of: the pungent mixed aroma (vomit, smokes, Cool Water from the Chaldean dance corner, maybe some weed). Late in the night, who should walk down the stairs trolling for newly-minted 21 year old girls but Antonio Smith and Mateen Cleaves! Let's get something out of the way right now. I gushed. I was star-struck. These are two of my top 10 favorite athletes of all time. Throwing aside my knowledge that these former deities of the Breslin Center wanted nothing to do with a stupidly drunk white kid, I approached Smith and asked him about a recent rumor I'd heard from a roommate. I asked, "I heard you're going to try football, is that true?" Smith replied cooly, "....yep." He then stared at me for about 2 seconds, then gingerly walked away. My regret for aborting my plan for a high-five was masked by my excitement about the news. A couple days later... boom. Since then, I've been ruminating constantly to come up with my five athletes I want to see play a different sport than the one they make their living in. Let's take a look at my Top 5. We'll break down their ideal position and even throw in the team that fits them in their new league. Join me, won't you?...

Honorable Mention:

Brian Urlacher

Ideal Sport: Hockey

Troy Polamalu

Ideal Sport: War

Richie Sexson

Ideal Sport: Basketball

5) Monta Ellis

Current Gig: Shooting Guard - Golden State Warriors

New Gig: Center Field - Oakland Athletics

The Skinny: If he wasn't so good at basketball (aside from Chris Paul, the most exciting player to watch in the NBA), Athletics GM Billy Beane might actually be able to make this happen. Monta (pronounced MON-tay, if there are any girls reading this) is one of the most athletic players of any sport. His style of play kind of reminds me of how Kenny Lofton used to play in those MTV Rock and Jock basketball games. With the A's power lineup (Barton, Cust, Thomas), what would be better than a guy who could get on base at a .500 clip? And can you imagine some of the gems we'd see with him patrolling center field in cavernous McAfee Coliseum!?! That's a double whammy for leaving him in Oakland. Plus, it seems like people really start to like the Bay Area once they're out there for a while, so if it ain't broke we ain't gonna fix it. They need to make a video game for this kind of stuff. Pronto, Tonto. 

4) Calvin Johnson 

Current Gig: Wide Receiver/Future Bust - Detroit Lions

New Gig: Shooting Guard/Small Forward - Los Angeles Clippers

The Skinny: Two seasons ago, the Clippers looked as if they had finally righted the ship (pun DEFINITELY intended). They won a playoff series, they were relatively young, the Lakers were in neutral, etc. Things were finally looking up for the sports world's most forgotten franchise. Then, they remembered they were the Clippers and fell right back into the middle of the lottery. They always seem to have just enough ping pong balls to be embarrassing, but not enough to land a franchise-changer. Here's the solution: the Clippers agree to host the Lions in L.A. for a long, booze-and-sex-filled weekend every off-season, and the Leos give them Calvin. Think of the Clip's core: Chris Kaman, Elton Brand, Megatron, and Shaun Livingston. CJ, at a legit 6'6" and having more speed than Amy Winehouse's purse, would be an ideal fit for the Clippers at shooting guard. He would also be featured on 82 episodes of SportsCenter a year for being on the receiving ends of the glorious alley-oops from Livingston. I'm actually imagining this happen now. Plus, it makes sense for him to be on the Clippers, as they're most accurately described as the Detroit Lions of the NBA.

3) Kyle Farnsworth

Current Gig: Relief Pitcher/Gas Can - New York Yankees

New Gig: Defense - Pittsburgh Penguins

Bonus New Gig: Underground Street Fighter a la Kimbo Slice

The Skinny: There's no way to deny this simple truth: Kyle Farnsworth is a very bad pitcher. Admittedly, I have a certain disdain for him after watching him blow countless games for the Cubs and Tigers. When he was traded to the Braves in '05 (Dave Dombrowski's most underrated trade), the air suddenly seemed fresher. Water tasted crisper. It was like I was living in a garden and Dave Dombrowski just pulled out the biggest weed in the flower bed. Watching Farnsworth pitch is like watching Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn from Major League (and he can get up to 100 mph), except he never gets any better as the movie goes on. While infuriating, he does have a certain charm that only a redneck of his caliber can exude. He is a straight-up ass kicker. What better way for the Penguins to protect their young investments - Sidney Crosby and Evegeni Malkin - than by hiring the best enforcer this side of Bob Probert? It's a can't miss! You know what the best part is? Look at his picture. Would you go into a fight with that guy thinking, "Alright, stay alert. This could get ugly." Hell no! Everyone and their feisty grandmother would go toe to toe with Farnsworth carrying the kind of cocksure attitude that earns you a missing tooth. To quote Michael Scott: "Win, win... win."

2) LeBron James

Current Gig: Small Forward - Cleveland Cavaliers

New Gig: Wide Receiver - Oakland Raiders

The Skinny: Oakland gets another one! I have it on decent authority that Jay-Z's new best friend is one of, if not the fastest player in the NBA. My own visual observations have done nothing to disprove this theory and it can't be denied: there is absolutely no ceiling on LeBron's career. Count me as one of the believers that when it's all said and done he'll be considered the best all-around basketball player that's ever lived. It's a shame he represents Cleveland or I might actually not want to throw something at the TV when he flashes that I'm-a-smug-little-bastard smirk. As good as LeBron's physical tools are for him on the hardwood, I can't help but think that he could also have an extraordinary career as a receiver. If the only reason you could think of why he wouldn't be a football phenom is he might be "too tall", I'd say that's pretty good. He's on the Raiders because since Brett Favre retired (dammit! I swore I'd never mention that on this blog! dammit!), every other QB in the league besides JaMarcus Russell would be constantly under-throwing him. Besides, with LeBron on the same team as Russell, McFadden, DeAngelo Hall, and Sebastian Janikowski, the Raiders would have the potential to foster almost as many illegitimate children as Travis Henry. Yeah, I went there.

1) Allen Iverson

Current Gig: Point Guard/Shooting Guard - Denver Nuggets

New Gig: Quarterback - Baltimore Ravens

The Skinny: This move almost makes too much sense. It's a crime that it hasn't happened already. Where to begin? AI is one of the gutsiest players in any sport since Rudy. His competitive spirit and underdog mentality are evident literally every single night he plays (by the way, don't think I didn't see the obvious "Practice?!" joke here, I just didn't feel like making one - if you're so inclined, be my guest). I think a guy with his heart should be seen on our country's biggest stage, and that's the NFL hands down. Furthermore, he is a bona-fide good quarterback. He led his high school to a Virginia state championship, made All-State, and cut his teeth against future NFL QB Aaron Brooks. (source) With his shot at an NBA title fading away faster than Carmelo's right to have a license, Iverson should cut his losses and return to the sport he truly loves: football. At only 6'0", he lacks prototypical QB size, but so does Drew Brees and he does alright for himself. And what about AI in Baltimore? The potential for headlines to come out of that pairing rates at a 46 out of 10. Even in his photos he already looks like an extra from The Wire! Imagine a post-game AI chillin at the Inner Harbor with Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Willis McGahee, Chris McAllister, and the appropriate members of all those dudes' entourages. They'd need to get a police permit to chew a piece of bubble gum! And AI is from the metro Baltimore area. If there is a heaven, and through some loophole I actually get to go there, I bet I'll get to relax in a bean bag chair on Sundays, watching AI do what Reggie Bush is already supposed to be doing. Dare to dream...