Running Diary - Tigers vs. Royals Game 3

Hey, sports fans. This is the first of (hopefully) many running diaries that the 'Stream will do. Allow me to set the table for this particular glory-filled post. It's about 1:00 PM and I'm done with school for the week. My favorite sports team finds itself on a 2 game schneid-piece and I'm not happy about it. I got a big bag of nacho cheese Doritos and some tall boys of Busch Light. Let's make a running diary!

1:02 - Bad start. Starting in centerfield..... Clete Thomas!!!! I'm already regretting this. I knew I should've taken a nap today. Allegedly Miggy has a sore quad so Brandon had to go to the hot corner. I don't buy it. Jim Leyland is the Mike Shannahan / Bill Belichik of the NFL. The lesson, as always: never pay to see the Tigers play the last game of a series. Leyland always trots out the JV squad. Infuriating.
1:10 - 3 up 3 down for Bonderman. In the first inning. I think someone put a roofie in my beer.
1:12 - Clete Thomas flies out to left center, Polanco gets his first hit of the season on a weak grounder to short
1:14 - As Greinke is taking 50 seconds between every pitch, I can't stop looking at Placido chewing his mouthpiece like a 3 year old. Is there a worse accessory a ballplayer can wear?
1:17 - Mags keeps looking more like a baby every year. That hair.
1:19 - My roommate Mike accurately predicts that Carlos Guillen will leave both runners on base. I feel more and more anxious about this team every time I watch. Thank goodness for inexpensive adult beverages.
1:27 - Bonderman lets a single by but gets the next batter to ground out and end the inning. He looks good today, almost as if he took a couple shots of JD after long toss.
1:29 - Pudge didn't strike out!!!!! He flew out after swinging at a first pitch letters-high fastball, but still!
1:31 - Mario Impemba and Rod Allen have been suspiciously non-awful today. It's throwing me off. Do you think they have an offseason program like the athletes? Does their boss come in and say, "I'm sending you two to broadcaster camp! Don't come back until you make sense whilst talking!"
1:33 - Ernie Harwell commercial for BCBS Michigan. I just want tapes of his voice to play when I go to sleep. Sound gay? It is.
1:36 - Like clockwork. Rod Allen: "The game of baseball is very difficult to play. We just make it sound easy up here."
1:41 - Clete Thomas looks like a real nice guy. I'd like to share a beer with him. As I'm writing this, he just swung about 2 minutes late on a 2-2 fastball.
1:44 - If Rod Allen was starting a team tomorrow, Zach Greinke would be in his rotation. Every time I watch the Tigers, I feel like I know way more than Rod Allen. That's a nice perk.
1:47 - All those bat wiggles earned Gary Sheffield a reeeeal good looking routine fly to left. I wish these dicks would score some runs. Beers 3 & 4 are gone.
1:52 - "Carlos must've broken his glove. He's doing some minor surgery on it", says Rod. Mario answers with, "Dr. Carlos." Sometimes life just smiles down on you.
1:54 - Alex Gordon is a strong man! Anyone in this office take a run at him! Tigers down 2-0 on a dingbone to left center. Sonofabitch.
1:56 - They just showed Alex Gordon in the dugout. He looks like he just satisfied a woman like 6 times. At least I think that's what it's supposed to look like.
1:58 - Everyone's Favorite Walking Tribute to Chunk from The Goonies, Billy Butler, hits a shallow fly to right. Mags running after it looks like a 1996 Christmas mom trying to get the last Tickle Me Elmo at KB Toys.
2:00 - Is it just me, or are the only qualifications for being a big-league manager is that you're "grizzly" and "hard-nosed"? I think most GMs figure that any guy with unkempt facial hair and a mean disposition can win a World Series now.
2:06 - I just decided I'm going to be about as patient with the Tigers as the Tigers are in their at-bats. Which at this point is to say nothing remotely patient. Sheesh.
2:11 - Pudge didn't strike out!!!!! He grounded into a fielder's choice, but still.
2:15 - My roommates and I are in an in-depth discussion about fat chicks who lose weight. Final verdict: it doesn't matter. We like chunkbones and thinbones. To quote the late, great Big Pun: I don't discriminate.
2:17 - Back to the game. Gordon's back up. Hide the women and children.
2:20 - Bonderman gets out of the inning in only like 40 pitches. His arm's gonna fall off before May.
2:25 - Rod says Greinke has electric stuff. Doesn't that sound like he's describing a bag of good weed? As I'm writing this, the electric stuff just walked Brandon Inge.
2:30 - Fly out to left. I got a good buzz going. Y'know...... FYI. On a baseball-related note, why can't the Tigers score runs?
2:33 - As I'm being enticed to "See what all the excitement is about" at Oakland University, I wonder if there has ever been a single university commercial that isn't terrible.
2:35 - Rod and Mario are waist deep in a discussion about roller skating. Ladies and gentlemen, FSN DETROIT!
2:37 - Mark Teahen hammers a Bonderman 2-out BP fastball to right. To borrow a line from Bill Simmons, I'm now lighting myself on fire.
2:39 - I wanna take a brief moment to give y'all a site update: we're gonna be adding another member to the 'Stream Team real soon. Get excited for that because the guy's a good shit. Also, I wanna give a no-reason shout out to the only person I'll probably ever know who will live in Kansas City. What up Mal.
2:41 - Chuck Hernandez (pitching coach) comes out to talk to Bondy. He says, "Hey. How ya doing? Can you do me a favor? Stop giving up homers to average hitters. If they score more runs than we do, they win the baseball game. K? THAAAAANKS!" By the way, why is this guy's name Chuck Hernandez? He looks whiter than Carson Daly. It'd be like if my name was Malik Abdul Jenkins-Lopez.
2:45 - Finally some hitting! Mags hits a leadoff double that would be a homer in 25 other ballparks. I can't wait to see how they strand him this time. He'll probably get hit on the foot with a grounder. I'm dipping into reserve beers that have been in the fridge for God knows how long. I don't ever wanna leave college.
2:47 - Pudge didn't strike out!!!!!! He hit a weak infield fly, but still.
2:49 - High Comedy. FSN just flashed a graphic listing the career averages of all Tiger hitters with the heading "Don't Panic!"
2:52 - Two infield flies and a weak grounder later, Magglio is left on 2nd looking like Javier Bardem in "No Country", only with slightly worse hair and no noticeable limp.
2:54 - THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN BEING AMBUSHED BY A TAMPON COMMERCIAL. Does that industry really need advertisement? I think their product falls under the umbrella of necessity. Why the constant reminders?!?!?!
3:01 - Gordon's back up. This time against lefty specialist Bobby Seay.
3:02 - OOOOOHHHH!!!!!!! Gordon went deeptee, but Marcus Thames FLEW to the warning track and raked his grill against the fence! I'm excited again!!! More exclamation points!!!!
3:04 - My roommate Stickballs just came out with a gem, "That'll probably be on Sportscenter. Scott Van Pelt will talk about it. He'll say, 'Ohhh I'm Scott Van Pelt. Tall. Bald. Van Pelt.' Jackass." If I wasn't drinking and trying to type I would've laughed harder.
3:08 - A little KC small ball manufactures another run. The Tigers have been outscored 13-4 in this series so far. I know it's a long season and everything, but it's just plain old disheartening to get swept AT HOME in your opening series.
3:12 - FSN is pimping "April in the D" where they're showing just a buttload of Tigs, Pistons, and Wings games. My first thought? A good name for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles porno movie would be "D in the April". Thanks, Busch Light.
3:16 - Brandon "The Babe" Inge just got the Tigs on the board with a solo HR to left. The one guy that management doesn't want to keep is the only hitter playing decent so far this season. I don't have to say it, but I will. Dammit.
3:18 - It's worth mentioning that Brandon - for some time - has been "My Tiger". What do I do when he ceases to be an everyday player? Can I ditch him? Gosh how can they make fandom so hard? It might be because I'm drunk, but I'm getting emotional here.
3:26 - I really don't care for - check that, I really hate - people who use the network's acronym to make phrases on a poster board just to get on TV. I was almost guilty of this myself once in Columbus, OH for UM/OSU in 2002, but my boys and I couldn't think of anything good. Blessing in disguise. If my kid tries that, he or she is grounded for a weekend.
3:32 - After Sheffield stupidly tried to stretch a single into a two-bagger and got tagged, Carlos Guillen had a nice piece of hitting and doubled into left-jeezy. Shef would've scored, but he wasn't on base because he's not smart. Argh!
3:33 - Now batting...... Me in 4th Grade!!!!...errr.... Pudge Rodriguez!!! His strike out strands Carlos at 3rd.
3:38 - Rod must know the game is about over because his "Not Making Sense Meter" is reading a big fat 50. Regarding Joey Gathright, Rod says, "He should have to jump over a car to get on base. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about (editor's note: everyone with a working brain), there's a series of videos where Gathright jumps over cars." Mario follows up with, "Yes, that's true." I'm glad I decided to do this.
3:44 - Commercial break before the bottom of the ninth. The most inspirational commercial in the world just appeared before my eyes. The Foundation For a Better Life. Check if it's on YouTube. Actually, I will. If it's there I'll put it at the bottom. I feel like I cold run a marathon after watching it. You'll see.
3:47 - Random thought: I'm surprised no baseball player (at least recently) has used their bat to mimic a penis after a big home run or something. That'd be my go-to move if I was bangin'. Like after a walk-off or something, right?
3:50 - After he flies out to left for out 2, FSN highlights Thames' contributions with the glove in their new extra super duper slow motion. Running face-first into a wall looks very painful.
3:55 - Tigers lose 4-1. Bring on the White Sox!

// By the way, I couldn't find that uplifting commercial. Sorry guys. Actually, I don't even care. I'm sleeping til 8ish. Late.