Big Post - Get Comfy

As I write this, my beloved Tigers are about to fall to 0-2 on the season.... yep now they just lost. To the FREAKING ROYALS. Dammit. Baseball is my favorite sport not only because it's just so much fun, but also because it is infuriating when you're a fan of what you know is a great team and watching them lose games they shouldn't. It's sadomasochism at its best. Enough small talk, let's get to it...

// Blog Review: Today we review the humor blog Garfield Minus Garfield. If any of you were as stupid as I was from 1989-91, you found Jim Davis' Garfield comic strip to be the pinnacle of modern humor. HAHAHAHA! This cat likes lasagna! What in the world?!? Seriously though, it was idiotic. Enter Garfield Minus Garfield. The blog is pretty self-explanatory. They take various Garfield strips and remove the asshole cat and his possible speed freak sidekick dog, leaving only the owner and breadwinner of the household: Mr. Jon Arbuckle. You're supposed to read the strip as if Jon is a lonely, delusional schizophrenic. In a world showing more and more favor to absurd comedy, nothing I've ever read is as funny as Garfield Minus Garfield. There are usually several new strips a day and M A I N S T R E A M gives this blog its highest recommendation. A+ for the hilarity. Make it a daily stop on your trip through the blogosphere.

// I can count on one hand the times I've listened to a traffic report on the radio and actually made an effort to listen. The only instances I can recall are those involving a truck spill. In a perfect world, we'd have funny (I guess I also have to say injury-free) truck spills every day. Here is a website that finally answers the masses and our bloodlust for consumer goods being strewn about the interstate. After reading this, I found myself wondering, "What would be the best item that could be spilt from a semi?" It took me about .06 seconds to come up with the perfect answer: pre-inflated blow-up sex dolls. Believe in your dreams.

// In this glorious illustration of The Last Supper (Nintendo), everyone's favorite Italian plumber is set in the Judas spot! And Donkey Kong is in the Jesus position! What gives? I'll tell you what gives. Mario's video game debut was not in Super Mario Bros. for NES as many believe. It was in fact in the original Donkey Kong arcade game in which he was simply known as "Jumpman". So DK gave Mario his start in the biz, albeit by stealing his lady and throwing barrels at him. Regardless, after achieving his own fame, Mario never gave DK his props, leaving the leviathan ape to wallow in 8-bit purgatory until the Nintendo 64 came out. A very subtle, yet powerful commentary by the artist of this Louvre-worthy piece.

// Speaking of art, I've had this good idea floating around in the noggin for a while. I think the art world should produce a series of Baroque pieces depicting modern scenes in history. The only good ones I can think of are assassinations (influenced by Caravaggio, for sure), but you have to admit those babies would sell! Think if we had the contrasting, active, dramatic style of Baroque cast over the scenes of JFK in Dallas, Biggie, Tupac, and /or Bhutto. If anyone knows a good painter, get on that and make some paper. And cut me in for 5%.

// Here's a list of the top baseball promotions of the 2008 season. I wish the Tigers would do more fun things like this. J.J Putz soul patch night? That's the coolest thing to happen to a ballpark since Old Style at Wrigley. Speaking of Wrigley, those Cubbies could use this angle to help reverse their Billy Goat Curse. Imagine: every person who comes to the stadium carrying the severed head of a billy goat gets in free! They'd win every game they played that season. Gosh I hope Mark Cuban becomes their owner.

// More from the Department of Not Doing What You're Supposed To: check out this quiz about corporate logos. It's a lot easier than that candy bar quiz, so the high score might lift some spirits and break up the monotony of Wednesday. I know what you're thinking, but no. I'm not a hero. I'm just a man with a keyboard, a lot of time to waste, and an inverted view of priorities.

// Time for America's favorite running blog segment: Young Idiots & Their Science Experiments. Let's make fun of some children!

Animal Magnetism
Yeah, you read that right. Animal Magnetism. Clearly this young chap has it, and we all know how it do: if you've got it, flaunt it. This kid honestly looks like photos I've seen of my grandpa before he served in Asia, only with a worser haircut. It looks like he's striving to be a cross between Donald Trump and that guy who delivers pizzas to a big party in the 80s and tries to finagle his way into the keg line after the transaction has been completed. Then - just for fun - he threw in a tie designed by a dyslexic 2nd grader who has a drinking problem. Part of you wants to befriend this kid just so you won't be on his list of people to kill, and part of you wants to slap him and say, "Hey. Seriously. Get with the program. We have a society here." I guess that's what he means by animal magnetism. For 4th graders who already have a better mustache than I ever will, it's a gift and a curse.

I hope your butt isn't numb from holding long witness to the preceding post. Check back tomorrow for The M A I N S T R E A M's first running diary: Game 3/162 as the winless Detroit Tigers take on the best team in baseball: The Kansas City Royals. Late.