The History of Bro - Part One: Past Attire

What is a Bro? Like many of God's greatest creations, Bro is hard to define. There are so many facets of the Bro-cial diamond that only the most learned scholars dare attempt to define such glory with mortal words. What follows is the first part of an ongoing series in which the M A I N S T R E A M will dissect and analyze the defining spirit of our modern times: The Bro.

Part One: Past Attire of The Bro.

Human beings have long been atop the animal kingdom because of one truth: we have the ability to reason. Long ago, cavemen decided that weighing their options and analyzing opportunity costs (thanks high school economics class) led to better outcomes than acting on instinct alone. One caveman probably said to the other, "Hey Ron, don't just go running around like an idiot looking for gazelles and shit. Think about the best times of the day to go so it's less likely you'll be eaten by some big animal we don't even know about! Mom would be pissed! Use your brain, Ronald!" Reason is a big part of what makes us human. Peanut better tastes good. Jelly tastes good. OMG what if we put them together and then put bread on both sides?!? Mother of God. Anyway, somewhere along our homosapien timeline, reason "got served" by history's first Bros. In the Bro's primitive (albeit brilliant) mindset, reason wasn't being used to its fullest potential. From this theory came the first of many Bro Creeds: reason without reason. Clothing was the first social tenet to be Bro-hanced.

+ The Fleece Vest The Fleece Vest (or "tech vest" in the parlance of our time) is perhaps the finest example of the Bro Creed reason without reason. Mere mortals can hardly fathom the magnitude of the intelligence needed to conjure up this bastion of Bro-ivity. Hey, I'm kind of chilly. I should add another layer of clothing so my body will be warmer. But wait... my left sleeve has "A&F Water Polo #12" written on it. My extra layer would prevent people from noticing my roster spot on this absurdly fictional sports team. Now what? Isaac Newton only had it half right: with every Bro action comes an equally Bro reaction. Let's make vests that cover up the torso but leave the extremities in plain sight! Bro Emeritus Trip McNeely was skeptical. "But Bro... what if I'm rocking my 'Tell Your Girlfriend To Call Me' long sleeve tee? The graphic is on the chest!" No one said you have to zip it, Brahski. F*ck it.

+ The Levitating Collar In the realm of public perception, a Bro's feelings towards perceived SWEET-ness can be summed up in five words: too much is never enough. For a Bro, quiet confidence is merely a stop on the journey towards the ultimate goal of extraodinarily loud, advertised (maybe false but who gives a flying F) confidence. To attract a mate ("chicks" in the Bro vernacular), one must stand out from the unforunately plain crowd of non-Bro peons. Drawing inspiration from the alpha peacock having the brightest display of feathers, The Council of Bros devised a way to not-so-subtly tell women, "HEY! If you're wondering which of us are awesome you can end that f*ckin' search right here!!" Although sitings are becoming increasingly rare, the popped collar still remains a stalwart of the Bro lifestyle (henceforth known as Brostyle).

+ The Constant Flip-Flop As the Brostyle spread across the globe, Bros became aware of a problem. Their awesomeness was too... umm... awesome to be kept private. It wasn't long before non-Bro invalids began to emulate the Brostyle. To stay ahead of the pack, the guidelines of Bro became more intricate - and thus more difficult - to remember for a Bro. There is only so much free brain space in your standard model Bro, and most of that is reserved for lacrosse strategy and potential front-yard-of-the-frat-house furniture layouts for those "totally rad, just chill Saturdays". So The Council of Bros thought of a clever way for Bros to recall their latest attire mandate from headquarters: toes 'til it snows. It was not only brilliant, but it really embodied having reason without reason. Bros everywhere decided that flip-flops were no longer strictly summer fare. The new period of acceptable flip-flop use would stretch from the Ides of March until the first snowfall of the next school year. This stroke of Bro-daciousness would enable a Bro to wear his flip-flops for up to 9 months, even in temperate zones. As has been the case many times over, the Bros made the world a better place. They made us feel alive again.

+ The Trucker Hat The suspicious (arguably fake) self-deprecating nature of a Bro can lend itself to various clothing oddities. Chief among these is the trucker hat. The trucker hat itself has a rich history. Finding itself tied down by its rural roots, the trucker hat had always yearned for a place in popular culture equal to that of its cousin The Normal Hat. Agricultural entrepreneurs have a long standing proclivity for trucker hats for one main reason: they get them for free when they BUY A TRACTOR THAT THEY NEED. In a classic example of reason without reason, the Bro community (Bromunity) adopted this look for their own designs. No longer would trucker hats be relegated to sitting atop a man named Jed's melon. They would soon grace the domes of Bro Legends Justin Timberlake, Ashton Kutcher, and 2005 Bro of the Year Kevin Federline. The power to lift an obscure, proletarian accessory into the forefront of international consciousness. That's the power of Bro.

In closing, I sincerely hope that you've enjoyed this brief tour of history. Please be mindful of the fact that we are only scratching the tip of the iceberg. In the future, we will touch on such topics as Bro Gear, Bro-on-Bro Crime, Bro & Female Response, and much more. Bro-ness isn't only about the Bros who live the dream, it's about all of us who get to enjoy the ride with them. If you or someone you know has a good yarn about a Bro siting/encounter, please feel free to share. The M A I N S T R E A M has a mission to inform our readership and broaden everyone's horizons. Only through open communication can we acheive the goals of this noble endeavor. Bro be with you. Late.