Apparently Our Blog Still Works

What up, streamers. Please excuse the ridiculously long absence. St. Patty's weekend - immediately followed by Easter weekend - took such a toll on my liver. I think somewhere around 10 PM on March 17th, alcohol just got bored with the competition. For booze, beating my liver was becoming too easy, so it decided to up the difficulty level (yes, exactly like in Madden) and began to destroy my other organs/muscles/neurons/morals. We're going to try and ease back into consistent blogging like an old woman eases into a too-hot bathtub. I'll take a moment for you to soak up that mental image.... done?.... OK.

Over the next few months, M A I N S T R E A M will share with you a collection of hilariously titled science experiments and the idiots who put them together. The series will be called Young Idiots & Their Science Experiments. Once I decided on the content, the title just came to me. Weird. It will run on Wednesdays. Without further ado... Part One:

Crystal Meth: Friend or Foe?

In my current state of being - still in college, no job, immature, way too awesome for words - there are many reasons not to have children. I've always assumed, however, that eventually I'd like to knock out a couple half-Mikes (the official name of all my coming children) so the world can experience at least a part of me once I'm gone. I figure I owe it to society. These two ladies above are part of what scares me about having children at any age. I'd like to know what school district these two are enrolled in and move to the polar opposite point on the globe and start my family there. Crystal Meth: Friend or Foe? Are you kidding me? I can't imagine a life where this question needs even a second's thought, let alone a poorly-conceived science project. And how did they do their research? What did they tell the principal? After recess they'd approach their science teacher in the hall, "Sir, our findings show that while crystal meth has detrimental health effects and destroys the lives of everyone who touches it, IT IS AN AWESOME TIME!!!! Or... so we've heard." The girl on the left looks like she's part of the popular clique and exchanges naughty favors on the school bus for weed. She's probably the one voting in the "friend" column. At least until the government takes her children in 5 years. The one on the right isn't emaciated yet, but that's probably because she's just starting her wonderful meth journey. Even so, she might be swayed to the "foe" side. Judging by her Mephisto-esque soulless gaze, I would say she only votes two things as "friend": White Castle and Kim Mathers. But that's just me.

I just don't get how there can even be a debate about the merits of a substance that has nothing but dire effects for the user. Then again, I am a smoker.

THE LINK DUMP:
+ The National Highway System (Simplified) If you're going from big city to big city, this is pretty much all you need. I kinda wish America was shaped like a big rectangle. With a tiny island for me and my friends. Although it'd have to be a decent sized island. Seriously, I have A LOT of friends.
+ EW's 16 "Dare You To Watch" Movie Scenes Perhaps they should've added that scene in Failure to Launch where you see Terry Bradshaw's bare ass. I dare any man to watch that and not become strangely addicted to Fox NFL Sundays.
+ Celebrities Without Necks This is why the Adobe people made Photoshop. I think this would be cool if it actually happened. Hollywood needs to be knocked down a peg or two. I'm looking at you, Miley Cyrus. You and your self-righteous head games.
+ Candy Bar ID Quiz Just a time waster, nothing more. Enjoy your day at work, friends with jobs! I'll be drunk just after noon!