I Miss Conan's Walker Lever

Joey 6-pack vs. Joe the Plumber

Winner: Joey 6-pack.

Politics I Guess

// Has anyone seen that new Bdubz commercial? In case you haven’t it goes like this: a bunch of people are enjoying themselves at Buffalo Wild Wings, with the assumption that they are there to support their sports team of choice, while enjoying some drinks. One version of it has them watching their fictional NFL team and there is a booth challenge. The ref looks into the booth and appears on the big screen at bdubz asking the crowd what he should call. One drunk guy gets up and says we don’t want to leave yet! Keep it going! Yeah!!! Everyone agrees. The second version is a fictional MLB manager getting on the phone to the bullpen, but instead it goes to bdubz where the drunken crowd yells to put in (insert tigers bullpen) into the game, because that will keep the game going! YEAH!!! What kind of fans are these people? They would rather see their team lose then get wasted. And hey guys… you don’t have to leave once your team wins, I mean if anything that’s more of a reason to celebrate. Fellow blogger, Mike, a.k.a. Old Hone, and I basically have the same philosophy about things like this. If a company makes such a retarded commercial like the one listed above then we purposely go out of our way to never buy their product. I still haven’t bought Miller Lite since those horrible ads back in ’05, even though I guess you could say they have rebounded with the more recent Man Law ads, it’s still too early for me. To wrap this up, don’t go to Buffalo Wild Wings if you have a choice, this commercial needs to be repudiated.

// Speaking of retards, hey Hollywood, what’s going on? Have you heard about this election thing that’s going on? I think some of you had. Jessica Alba apparently has.

Dear Jessica Alba and Hayden whateverthefuckyourlastnameis,
If I didn’t care about this election, I would honestly purposely not vote just to spite both of you. In the same sense that retarded ads piss me off, believe it or not, retarded psa’s get me going to. Hayden, you’re not worth a wikipedia search to see what it is that you do, but please shut the fuck up, just do a Playboy spread or something, if you’re old enough. Jessica Alba… ah, Jessica… please just stick to what you’re good at: looking good and being in horrible comedies.
sincerely, my penis.

// Staying on the politics train, next stop: Sarah Palin. Alright let’s not actually talk about her, but instead watch the best Palin parody that I’ve seen yet.

// I watched most of the presidential debate tonight, at least until a new episode of South Park aired at 10. Nothing really to comment on here, same thing we’ve been hearing for awhile from both candidates. If anyone watched it, then you would notice that there were way too many references to “Joe the Plumber.” Who the hell is this guy? Maybe it’s because I was apparently that deeply affected by Zeke the Plumber that I could only think of him when they brought his name up like 50 times, (Salute Your Shorts reference, kids). Joe/Zeek does not represent middle of America, if you ask me there’s a better plumber out there that I would much rather be the cornerstone of middle of America. He can unclog your pipes, take some mushrooms, and still save a princess. Mario the plumber represents middle of America way better then Joe. Joe is basically Mario’s third cousin removed, he wouldn’t know what to do with a koopa troopa if it rubbed up his leg. Jump on it Joe, jump on it.

Lukewarm Topics

// There are a lot of things that make people unique. That's a fact, and it's pretty much the definition of unique. Gender, race, height, weight, personality, values held; these are all broad terms that can be broken down further (and further and further) until eventually you can map out exactly who a person is, albeit still with a tone of generality. One of my personality quirks was brought to my attention a couple of years ago by my associate Dr. Schroed. Schroed and I had - at this point - known each other for some years and he was comfortable enough around me to bring up this Hone-ity without fear of me being offended or any similar repercussion. He said to me on one of our innumerable listless post-4-on-4 basketball Saturday afternoons, "Hone, you like to judge people's names." Immediately, I realized he was right. It had never been brought up to me before, but I quickly realized it to be true. Schroed's cup had runneth over with examples in which I'd hear a person's name and respond with a seemingly limitless arsenal of high-brow, well thought out comments like, "That name is stupid..." or "Awesome name." My initial reaction was to reel in this behavior. After all, who am I to judge names?... Then I thought about it some more. No one else I'd met at that point judged names. I was sailing in uncharted waters, and I was having a good time doing it. I felt like the act of judging names was a new continent and I was the first explorer to reach the shore, if only in my personal circle of co-conspirators. Sticking with that analogy, I decided to plant my flag down and claim the name-judging continent for my own sweet self. In case you were wondering, there is a reason for this perhaps-too-lengthy exposition. I was wandering aimlessly with my thoughts the other day and one of the stops on my mind-train was Disney movies. I can't remember exactly how I came to be on that track, but I think it had something to do with me seeing an ad for the Broadway adaptation of The Little Mermaid. The mind quickly surmised the gem, "Ariel. That's a dumb name." Just like that, I knew I had the beginnings to a 'Stream post on my hands. Don't look now, but I just revealed how insanely easy it is to write a below-average blog. Anyways, I'll now unveil the most anticipated item yet in the young life of this increasingly soft-headed venture: Good and Bad Disney Princess Names. (cue the alternating beat of the tympani drum).
1) As was previously mentioned, Ariel is a dumb name. It's bad not only in a general context, but also as a device in the maritime story. First, Ariel is androgynous. What do you think the full name is of Ari from Entourage? I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention this fellow who - and this is purely speculative - might've been an advocate for genocide. Gender-bender issues aside, the name also sounds stupid in a movie that takes place predominantly underwater. Ariel is a homophone for aerial. She's a half sexy woman, half sexy fish. Why would you name her something that reminds us of flight? C'mon, Disney. Think.
2) Let's move on to Jasmine, the Arabic princess who went slumming and found true love. I love that name. It has a hint of stripper in it, but that's not making me shy away. You want to have a little stripper in your name, just not too much. That kind of thing can be easy to overdo. It bears mentioning as well that Jasmine lends itself to a great nickname that can be used in colloquial situations: Jazzy. That sounds pretty good.
3) Belle. Meh. It's not a terrible name, but it's not doing a lot for you, right? Based on absolutely no research and only very little logic in general, I'm inclined to think that the name Belle is derived an actual bell, which is almost ridiculous beyond words. If you put a gun to my head I'd say that yes, a bell is a decent object relative to all other objects ever conceived, but what is that really? It makes just as much sense to name your bestiality-curious daughter Ladle or Plier. Plus, the first time you come across some clever people who don't give a dook if your feelings get hurt, your new nickname becomes Ball. Overall, I'd give it a C-.
4) What about Snow White? Again, this isn't terrible, but after the birth I'd make sure and move into a decidedly un-diverse school district. Between the racial undertones and the pale skin jokes that the name is just begging for, I'd consider naming her Amy or something in that genre.
5) In the case of Pocahontas, it's hard to argue with a name so well-known in a historical sense. I'll say this: if I was the chief or whatever of her tribe, I'd consult my shaman or my witch doctor or whatever kind of soothsayer I was employing and I'd ask this, "In the future, is there going to be a nearly globally-used language in which my daughter's name could be manipulated into some kind of sexual pun?" The clairvoyant employee would say, "Yeah, it'll be called English, and the word "poke" will be a euphemism for sex that will gain much popularity when a musician named Dr. Dre uses it in the song The Next Episode." Bam. Problem solved.
6) Lastly, let's touch on the non-human in the group, Nala from The Lion King. Can't be mad at that. First, it's the name of a lion. You shouldn't judge names of things that can eat you. That lesson's been learned far too many times. Also, I can dig on names with some African flavor. Almost all the names from that movie were at least catchy. Simba, Nala, Mufasa, Rafiki; they're fun to say and they're not hurting anybody. Sounds good.

// I have one pair of khaki shorts and one pair of dill corduroys (I only call them dill because that's what it said in the catalog, I know it's dumb) that have that little pocket inside the pocket apparatus. I can't stress enough how awesome it is to have that feature. The second pocket is perfectly sized for two things: a pack of smokes or an iPhone. I assume Barack Obama is reading this, so I'll say the following: let's help our lawmakers reach across the aisle, embrace a bipartisan agenda, and work hard on passing legislation that would require all pants to feautre the tiny flap (henceforth called "second pocket") in the right pocket. How annoying is it when you're walking and your phone is flopping around like a dying fish on coke? Put in that second pocket. It feels like you're a robot and all your life you've been walking around without all of your outer plating bolted down properly. Second pocket has changed my life for the better. Join the fight.

// There's another item to add to the ever-expanding list of "Why College Football is better than the NFL": the comebacks. I thought about this last week, but I was too busy to give the point its justice and articulate it the way I wanted. Remember two weeks ago when the Colts came back against the Texans? I'll concede it was a great comeback by the Colts. It showcased a lot of moxie and was fun to watch. The fly in the ointment lies in the fact that the Colts needed the Texans to eff up or their comeback wouldn't have been possible. I feel that more often than not, such is the case in the NFL. Big, BIG comebacks can't happen unless both teams are assisting. That's no good. Allow me to take you back to October 30th, 2004. I was spending a fine weekend in Ann Arbor with fellow 'Streamer Kev and formerly-frequent commenter Mig to take in the MSU/UofM football game. My Spartans held a 17-point midway through the 4th quarter. They'd absolutely dominated the game up to that point, but Drew Stanton had just been sidelined by LaMarr Woodley. Damon Dowdell had tried his best for nearly a quarter to give the game away, but State still clung to their sizable lead with a ridiculously effective running game (368 EFFING YARDS!!!!). Then, with around 7 minutes left in regulation, something happened. Michigan - more specifically, Braylon Edwards - turned into Spiderman. I don't want to relive the details, suffice it to say the Wolverines pulled out the victory and sent me into a tear-soaked, Charlie Sheen in Platoon-like breakdown. Despite my obvious distaste for the results, I maintain to this day that it was the best football game I've ever seen in person. The reason? The manic pace and the... wait for it... the purity of the comeback. The more I look back on it, State didn't do anything to eff up. They played their second-best game of the season that night (they beat 9-0 Wisconsin two weeks later). Michigan, mostly Edwards, just earned it that much more. Chad Henne would drop back, close his eyes, and uncork a deep one in Braylon's general vicinity. It seemed like 8 different times; Braylon just went up and got it over Jaren Hayes. When even the incredibly bitter defeated party can admit the greatness of an opponent and offer a tip of the cap, that's a football game worth getting emotional over. You don't get those type of quality, no-BS comebacks in the NFL.

// Quick link. Never-Say-Neverisms. I like this kind of stuff.

// See you at week's end with picks. Au revoir.

CFB Picks Week 7 (Superstition Galore!!!)

// It's Saturday morning. I feel like I'm still getting the picks in on time, but this whole thing now reminds me of back in middle school when homework would be due at the start of class and I'd be copying from Kevin's like 30 seconds before the bell rang. Weird. Building on that point, I'm mailing it in by posting some of the better pictures I've come across in my recent internet travels. Some are funny, some are interesting, some are sad. We run the gamut in these parts, Jack. Ahoy! 

^ Almost made me cry. I probably shouldn't have thrown it up here.

^ Grown up Calvin and Hobbes. I loved that comic.

^ I was just thinking a couple days ago how grueling the campaign schedule must feel.

// Enough pics, let's get to the picks. I chuckled to myself after writing that... I am so alone. Week of 10/11/08. Home teams in ALL CAPS.

+ CINCINNATI (-7.5) over Rutgers -- I always spell Cincinnati with two Ts and only one N. I think it's because their was never a clever rhythmic thing to learn how to spell it like their was for Mississippi or Tennessee. If you haven't seen Rutgers play yet, consider yourself blessed. They're beyond awful. Greg Schiano seems to be suffering the same ill fate as Kirk Ferentz. Anyways, Brian Kelly is a guy I have enough faith in to lay 7.5. Book it.

+ MICHIGAN (-17) over Toledo -- There was a kid from Michigan who used to write for this blog. I think he might've gone to jail or something. Whatever, hey.... let's chalk this one up to the old "up/down" theory. Last week, Juice Williams went banana-balls in Ann Arbor. The last time Michigan was annihilated that thoroughly at home was against the Brad Banks-led Hawkeyes in 2002. It was very un-Michigan. I say they put together a nice offensive game against Toledo, a school that once hosted yours truly for 4 straight summers in band camp AWESOME KID CAMP. By the way, if this seems like I'm trying to pull a 3-week-long jinx on Michigan for the purposes of October 25th, it's because I am.

+ GEORGIA (-13.5) over Tennessee -- See? I spelled Tennessee right on the first try there. Nice! UT is really, really bad. They only scored 13 on Northern Illinois! Georgia looked bad against Bama, yeah, but jeez-o-peets. Georgia's at home and I just think their talent level dwarfs that of Tennessee. Caveat: I was thinking UT for this one for a while until I saw this completely insane item (worth the click). That's enough to lay two touchdowns right there. Next.

+ NORTHWESTERN (+1.5) over Michigan State -- Trying for the reverse jinx here. Nothing fancy.

+ CENTRAL MICHIGAN (-7.5) over Temple -- There was also a kid who went to Central that used to write for this blog. He's definitely in jail.

+ Lock of the Week: Penn State (-6) over WISCONSIN -- I'm high on Penn State, no doubt, but there's no denying they are very close to complete. Dig this as well: Wisconsin will again be without its band. That does not bode well. I'm a firm believer in the power of the band. Not that I'd ever join it. Those nerds. "Hahaha... Hey Jimmy, check this out... NERDS! Hahaha!"

Last Week: 2-2-1 (EEE)
Season: 10-10-2 (VEN STEE)
LOTW: 2-2 (VEN)

Selecciones para el Fútbol Americano de la Universidad para la Semana Seis y Otras Cosas

// Lo siento for the spanish title, but I just got back from Spanish and I've got the pep in my step that can only come from hearing that sexy, sexy language. ¡Ay! In keeping with tradition, I'd like to crack wise about a few non-football items before we delve into this week's version of the inevitable disaster known as "my picks". For yours truly, yesterday was a day dominated by the presidential election. After my morning classes, I moseyed on over to the West Circle side of the MSU campus to take in the most dynamic speaker since Cyrus in The Warriors: Barack Obama. The gates opened at 11:30, so I surmised that if I staked my claim in the queue at 10:15 I'd be good to go. Gargantuan mistake. I've only been to Cedar Point twice in my life, so my frame of reference is pretty limited, but this line was at least quadruple anything I've seen in Sandusky. The final attendance estimates pegged the crowd at 20,000+. If that's truly the case, I'd say 80% of the mob was ahead of me in line an hour and a half before the gate. The feeling of awe that overcame me seems weird; I've seen way bigger crowds before. I've spent many fall Saturdays in East Lansing and Ann Arbor, whose stadiums hold 75,000+ and 105,000+, respectively. Why the incredulity at a crowd roughly 1/5th the size of the Big House? It was the line. At its point of greatest girth, the line was 3-4 people wide, so my perspective was skewed. Quickly summing up this pointless, boring story: I remained standing for about 6 hours, quite possibly my longest non-sitting stretch since my prolific profit-lowering days at Tim Horton's. The speech given by the next President (any doubters remain?) was good, albeit a tad lacking in specifics. But nowadays, whose speeches aren't like that? Overall, I'm glad I went. When I got home, a quick dinner and some good dialogue with my roommate Stick-Peezy set the table for the Vice-Presidential debate. My initial viewing motive was to see the anticipated train-wreck by the woman who is single-handedly redefining the word train-wreck, Sarah Palin. Surprisingly, she wasn't that awful. While she did answer questions like one of the perps in Law & Order being interrogated by Jesse Martin and Jerry Orbach (my favorite duo), her overall demeanor in dealing with Senator Biden's offense was commendable. The majority of pundits are calling the debate a tie, and I can't disagree. I had one critique of Biden while watching: I found myself wishing he would dole out more thinly-veiled criticisms of A) Palin's complete lack of experience in national policy-making, and B) the Republican party as a whole and the leadership of the past 8 years. I'm paraphrasing here, but Palin had many comments that basically alluded to, "Sorry, Senator Biden, but I don't think America's been happy with how the government's been running things lately." Just once - once - I wish Biden would have came back with, "You're absolutely right, Governor Palin. The government's been doing a terrible job the last 8 years, that's the main reason Senator Obama and I are running. The American people deserve new leadership, new policies, and new ideas in the White House. Four years under John McCain wouldn't give our country the change it needs and deserves, and I thank you for bringing up that point." OK, so I thought about that for a while. During the debate, I had a moment of self-realization; I don't think I'd make it as a speech writer - I come off too smug and petty. But if Biden said something to that effect, I don't think that would get construed as a super-harsh verbal barb, just some balls-y rancor. Enough blather, let's talk college ball.

// Jeez-o-peets, where to begin? Last week, while very fun to watch, was disastrous to me in the picks column. Earlier this week, my failings were kindly pointed out to me by noted fantasy sports warlord Hugh Noet. Hubris be damned, I have to write a rebuttal rationalization. A couple of my ridiculous pratfalls can be attributed to lack of knowledge and/or good judgment. I called Florida my second choice for "Lock of the Week". Oops. I basically called USC a perfect team. Again, oops. When favorites that big lose outright and I can't see it, there's no way around it. That's bad. The other losses I didn't feel as bad about. Ohio State failed to cover solely because of garbage time points by the Gophers. Michigan... well, Michigan. Where's my silver lining there? I owe a sincere mea culpa to the football deities for holding the maize & blue in such low regard. I hope that doesn't bite me on the rump on October 25th. In my defense, I did sort of call the upset when I said this was the first time I'd even picked against UofM - even in my unfathomably-beautiful-blonde-hair-covered head - and that Michigan would make me pay the price. I'm really grasping at straws here. Touché, Coach Rodriguez. Really though, even my wins - which were like finding two pennies on the same day your house burns down - were marred by my post-pick babbling in which I said I wasn't too sure about them. So, it all begs the question: what does a now-.500 prognosticator do after a meltdown like my week 5? He cinches up the belt, give himself two (2) slightly-harder-than-they-need-to-be smacks on the cheek, and puts his head down like he's 4th and goal from the 1. LET'S HIT IT!

// Week of 10/4/08. Home teams in ALL CAPS.

+ Penn State (-14) over PURDUE -- I feel ashamed I have to ask this, but who has the final say for what time games are played? It has to be either the home team, the conference, or the media outlet, right? If it is in fact the home team (and I think that's true in most cases), shame on Purdue. You're playing host to the 6th-ranked Nittanies, coming off their best win of the season, and it's a nooner? At least give yourselves a chance! What I like about Penn State is this: the defense is fast (not great, but fast) and the offense can adapt and score in a variety of ways. By the way, how about Derrick Williams? Lauded as one of the best athletes in the country on the recruiting trail, he was a freshman during Penn State's dream '05 and looked ultra-promising. His potential has gone - for the most part - unrealized. Last week, though... what a sight. 1999 Peter Warrick-esque. Dig it: I look at this game and I can't shake a couple thoughts. Purdue looks like a team without any chutzpah. They crapped away a home game to Oregon, squeaked by LeFevour and Central, and then last week they played Notre Dame. In such a big rivalry game for the Boilers, they came out flatter than the 2-liters of Fresca my Dad drinks over 10-day intervals. FYI: Fresca = terrible. Purdue's toothless persona plus a Penn State team that looks bona fide championship-caliber equals a home dog that I can't give a second glance to. JoePa wins by 17-20.

+ ALABAMA (-16.5) over Kentucky -- It's funny to think that a year ago, Kentucky probably would've been favored in this tilt, regardless of venue. That's why - as you can recall - I deemed Saint Nicholas the best coach in the SEC. I want to quickly mention one of the countless reasons why college football is so much better than the professional variety. Last week, Bama was excellent; truly a joy to watch. Aside from last year's Pats, excellence is something you rarely see in the NFL. The Cowboys - thought invincible by many - lost in a fashion that was much worse than their score against the Redskins indicated. I enjoy watching a team (read: any team not playing my Spartans) that is 100% in sync. Right about now, Roll Tide fits that bill to a T. Kentucky doesn't have the personnel to hang with Bama, especially during the hero's welcome Bama will receive at Bryant-Denny. Lay these points, baby.

+ Texas Tech (-8) over KANSAS STATE -- I hate it when I vehemently disagree with Vegas. They're so good at what they do, my big disagreements feel inherently wrong. You know what I say to that? I say to that what I say to a lot of things: EFF IT. My record notwithstanding, I'm not a complete idiot. I know some things. First, Texas Tech can score score score score score. Score. Mike Leach puts up points like the Cohens put up Ryan in The OC. Yeah, I watch the show online. Take away my dude license, I don't care. Second, Kansas State has never been the same since Bill Snyder left. They're an afterthought. An also-ran. At best. I don't think they can stay within 8 points of the Sexual Orientation Ambiguous Zorros. Book it.

+ Lock of the Week: Ohio State (-2) over WISCONSIN -- Another home dog. And I wonder why I'm not better at this. Hey, I've got an idea! Are you busy right now? No? Good, let's take a leisurely stroll down Flimsy Reasoning Avenue. A line of two - in a sport in which Vegas usually spots the home team 4 or 4.5 points - means it's not too far removed from a pick 'em. If someone came up and asked what I thought about this game straight up and then offered me a piece of blueberry-flavored coffee cake, I'd say, "I think Ohio State will win this game, and yes, I would love some of that coffee cake." It's Terrell Pryor's first Big Ten road game, and a more daunting challenge than a night game in Camp Randall is hard to find. I think a heavy dose of Beanie Wells and the mean Buckeye defense can carry most of the load to the point where they might only need TP to make 3-4 dynamic plays. I say he does it. Plus, I'm still upset with Wisconsin for enticing me into breaking one of my life-long cardinal rules of picks by looking sexy last week. Go have a Halloween party, jerks.

+ MICHIGAN STATE (-7) over Iowa -- Shocker, I know. Can you blame me, though? Iowa's allegedly stout D gave up three TDs through the air last week. Granted, they shut down 'Stream favorite Tyrell Sutton, but allow me to channel my inner Sean Salisbury (we absolutely don't miss you, Sean) for a second when I say, "I've seen Javon Ringer, I've followed Javon Ringer, I've scouted Javon Ringer, and I can tell you, Tyrell Sutton is no Javon Ringer!" Ok... whoa. Whoa. Boy, I gotta be careful. One can only stay in Salisbury mode for so long; any more than 20 seconds and you risk developing an urge to frost your tips once you turn 47. If the Hawkeyes do manage to ring in Ringer (zing), this game could get pretty interesting. Brian Hoyer doesn't inspire a ton of confidence, although he did look much better at Indiana last week. I think the Spartan defense will have a nice day against Iowa QB Stanzi (quick note: WHO?!?), especially with the return of Kendell Davis-Clark. In the end, I feel better about this spread than I did against Indiana. The most underrated factor of your team being coached by Dantonio is his refusal to let your team play flat for more than a quarter. MSU no longer plays to the level of their competition. They beat the teams they're supposed to beat, and they keep it close enough for a miracle against teams they shouldn't. Go Green!

Last Week: 2-4
Season: 8-8-1
LOTW: 1-2 (yikes)