The Official User's Guide to The Grosse Ile (+North) Vernacular

// I don't think I'll ever sound more pompous in a post than I will right here. Then again, I am me. Yes, that's true. I'm me. I could out-pompous myself, even on a bad day. So let me rephrase: I don't think I'll ever unintentionally sound more pompous than I'm about to. I can imagine the disparaging comments emanating from your inner monologue. "Seriously? The guy takes credit for a whole line of lingo?" Well it's about time to chiggety check yourself mi amigo, because here comes a rebuttal, and I'm aiming right at your dome. No, I'm not taking full credit. I'm not even taking half-credit. The Grosse Ile (+ North) Vernacular (henceforth known as GINV, or if the mood should strike you, Gin-Veezy) has always been, and will always continue to be a collaborative effort. Many good men have made priceless contributions to a language that has evolved from its humble beginnings. GINV was once a mere cluster-eff of idiotic, full-blown alcoholic ramblings mumbled into the uncaring and disgusted ears of anyone unfortunate enough within earshot. In little more than 6 years, it has become a way of life; part of the very fabric that makes up the tapestry of good times with good friends. Therein lies the grand design of this perhaps insanity-causing collection. It's to be shared amongst friends. I don't understand it myself, but the equation cannot be denied. Great times + GINV = (possibly) greater times. Try it out. If it doesn't work, we have a 90-day money back guarantee.

A quick note about the name. While the vernacular had its origins on Grosse Ile, it's true potential was reached (and it's usage was nearly doubled) when the innovators from GI collaborated with the savants from the North. (Quick note: the North in this case refers to pretty much the Troy area. It's too much of a pain in the butt to list all 47 of the towns/villages/hamlets those brosephs are from, and also I hate abbreviating Oakland County into "The O.C." Plus, the acronym works way better.) That's why we're calling it what we're calling it. A man who doesn't give others their due and proper is not a man you want on your squad when its 4th and goal.

Lastly, I'd like to offer a quick story. Fun fact: I've been to the last two victories of the Detroit Lions (0-16 aftermath post coming soon, btw). The last victory was a 25-20 victory over the Chiefs, a game in which fellow 'Streamer Brigee was kind enough to take me to. The victory before that was another gem. The Week 9 Lions victory over the Broncos took the team to 6-2. The best part was that they didn't just win; the Lions absolutely humiliated the Broncos all dog gone day. And not only on the field, but also in the concourse of the stadium. On the way out, the crew and I had prime seats to witness some poor sap Broncos fan getting lit up - LIT UP - by three surly Motor City types. Anywho, the crew was as follows: my man Nelson, who came strong with the tickets. My man Plow, who polished off a double meat Italian sub from Subway on the way down to Motown. Plow's roommate DJ, a late-round pick by Plow up at CMU who turned into one of the gems of the post-high-school-friend draft. Last, and most likely least, your truly. We're on the way down to the game, when the hangovers from last night's malfeasances begin to take a firm, interlocking grip. Hangover protocol dictates two things must happen unless in the most extenuating of circumstances. We need some perfect food, and we need to get a little slap-happy. I already mentioned the Subway. I'm happy to say that the slap-happy was never far behind. It started off with laughing at the (seemingly perpetual) gaseous emissions. Then it devolves into country music, bad jokes, etc, etc. We'd all been there before. Or had we? The wheels were turning in DJ's melon. His mind was a steel trap of deciphering, but to no avail. He thought to himself, "What are these guys talking about? Did they get high?" Guess again, Deej-Man. It was the GINV. The trip to the D took about 2 hours with heavy traffic (remember, the Lions were 5th in the NFC standings at this point). Bless his soul. He kept at it for about an hour and 45 minutes, but eventually it was too much for DJ to continue holding his tongue. At about the time I-96 meets Davison, DJ piped up, "OK! Ok. Seriously?! Seriously, you guys... I have no idea... NO idea what you're talking about. What are you talking about?".... Ok, I didn't say it was a good story. But it should illustrate the power the lingo can carry. Substituting these (at first glance) meaningless words for part or all of a strategically selected word in a sentence... will quite frankly change your life. Without further ado... The Grosse Ile (+North) Vernacular. In alphabetical order.

- bird: a modifier used in conjunction with the first letter of an otherwise normal word, especially used during recognized holidays. (Wed. before Thanksgiving): Hey Cindy! Happy T-Bird!

- bone: kind of like when you have a nice outfit on, but if you find the right hat it'll really make the whole ensemble "pop". Let's play 7-11-Doubles. You got the diebones?

- brizz: a rarely used "replacement" syllable, most often for words beginning in "b" and/or "br". What was the name of the bowling alley on the sitcom "Ed"? Stuck-Brizz?

- breez(y): same as brizz, but used for added panache when dining on more formal fare. Did you want bacon on your Cobb salad? Yeah, gimme that breezy if you could.

- cock: etiquette would dictate its use when the company is exclusively male, generally used in a disparaging tone. Seriously, can we get one decent middle linebacker?!?! Ted-Cock!!!

- dawg: used as a name-modifying colloquialism, spelling is paramount to its effective use. (When greeting someone of large stature): Ooh! Mig-Dawg!

- diesel: somewhat akin to "cock", this word employs less malice and, when donned properly, leaves a waft of F-150 commercial in the air. I really can't hit a fairway. Lemme try your drive-diesel.

- dick: not surprisingly, this cock-esque ending word has a more playful, I'm-just-busting-your-balls attitude, strictly for use between close friends. Yeah and then Bri-dick had to help me climb my balcony.

- deez: perhaps the most inane of all words, deez is used in combinations to either describe a rotund person or convey the feeling "eff it". You have 14, sir. Hit? Ehh... tub-deez.

- deezy: used to sing Akon's opening lines in "Soul Survivor" and covertly convey that you think someone within earshot is overweight. (in melody, like Akon): Akon and Tub-Deezy!

- dub: a substitute for the letter W but, and this is imperative, only when the W is part of an acronym with another consonant. Hey, you thirsty? Yeah dude, hand me that dub-B.

- fuck: used to indicate your displeasure in the immediate aftermath of a poor showing. How long does it take to make change? Toll-fuck!

- geeeeeeem: used in basketball to instruct players to initiate a full court press. (After a made shot): GEEEEEEM!!!!

- grease/greasy: as the name implies, this word alters the name of something that isn't of the cleanest persuasion. Wanna get some Donny-grease? -- or -- How'd you do with that girl? Dude, big greasy.

- Jigs/Jiggas: only for use with combined last names in which it rolls off the tongue like a hip-hop song. You know who was always smiling? Hoe-Jiggas.

- jeezy: perhaps the most popular, it modifies almost the entire dictionary. I'm out can you get me a brew-jeezy? -- or -- Then we slide-jeezy right past the bouncer.

- piece: a hallmark and original member of GINV, piece is equally as ubiquitous as jeezy. Let's get some tunes! Gimme the pod-piece!

- pimpin: a rare complete name substitute, pimpin should only be used with people you've met less than 3 times, lest it become insulting. You remember Jack? Hell yeah. What's up pimpin?

- pump: subtly sexual in nature, pump is often used on decidedly non-sexual gossamer. Yeah, I got a flat, Susan! I can't find the j-pump!

- peezy: similar to piece, but used less often due to its similar phonetic nature (and "little brother" status) to jeezy. You guys feel like some euch-peezy?

- scrape: a verb with omnipotent flair, scrape must be carefully emphasized in a sentence or used with a complementary noun to convey proper meaning. Anyone mind if I scrape a soda?

// So there it is. For now. Remember, Gin-Veezy never stays in one place. There are many empty pages still left in the book, and the ending can never be written. In the words of Gary Busey, "Art is never the final form. Art is the journey." Become the journey and your final form will take care of itself. I hope you enjoy yourselves.