Mea Maxima Culpa

I slacked a lot this week. In my defense, I did have a lot of schoolwork to do and I'd like to graduate before the decade is out. To tide you over until Kevin, Brian, or myself get some free time, here's my favorite YouTube vid of all time. It combines the following: two of my top 5 funniest people out there (Will Arnett & Adam Carolla) and making fun of stupid CBS promos. Enjoy. Cheer for Sheed tonight!

Don't Mess With Bill O'Reilly

Need To Waste Some Time?

// Blog Review: A couple of months ago, I attended a small panel discussion at MSU on the state of the American economy and the hardships being faced by lower-income families, specifically in Detroit. One of the panel members was an economic advisor to President Bush from 2002-2005. The discussion quickly became heated when the other 3 members of the panel (one of whom was a professor of mine) started hating on the Bush administration's penchant for surplus checks as an ill-conceived "quick fix" designed to garner better approval ratings. Naturally, the former Bush advisor hastily assumed a defensive posture. While I can't pretend to know enough about the situation to make a reasonable judgment, I can enjoy a good blog that puts a fun spin on those checks people get from the government. The aptly titled blog How I Spent My Surplus is totally reader-supported and surprisingly amusing. While it's perhaps not worth daily visits, the blog can definitely coax a chuckle or two. Check it.

// There has been a pretty good buzz going around (pun) about these anti-meth ads. These ads definitely take the classic "scared straight" principle to a whoooole new level. I literally couldn't look at more than three of those without feeling a little nauseous. At least not until the geniuses behind these parodies turned the disturbing ads into hilarious college football tomfoolery. Maybe NSFW, but peruse and enjoy.

// Poor Michigan. Excuse me, goodwill douchebags and government nice people impostors? How about giving the Great Lakes State some of that free cash instead of Myanmar?

// There are plenty of underrated traditions in sports. Countless gems of heritage have gotten lost in the shuffle over recent years since ESPN decreed that no sports teams exist if they're not from the northeast. I'm actually starting to believe they're going to build a 100-foot-high wall just west of Philly and call it a day. Fortunately, one timeless legacy has managed to retain its top billing: the playoff beard. Greg Wyshynski breaks down this year's catalog of facial hair here.

// Neat news from Hollywood: Josh Schwartz, the mind behind The O.C. and Gossip Girl, will be developing the script for the upcoming X-Men Wolverine spinoff. I thought about this chappy working on a superhero movie and I foresaw a rough learning curve after cutting his teeth with teen dramas. Then, a great idea went and smacked me upside the head. How about a teen drama... set at the Xavier Institute for Gifted Youngsters? It would be a perfect fit for The CW or ABC Family or some other b.s. station nobody watches, plus they would attract a fairly large nerd (me) audience. Seriously. Next stop: Ratingsville.

// From The Department of Useless But Fun Stuff: solo cup-looking wine glasses. The purchase would definitely require some disposable income - heavy emphasis on disposable - but they might be fun to have around the house.

// Living in Metro Detroit affords itself some unique "rites of passage" moments. One of these occurs after being exposed your first slang words for sex and sex-related topics. I can still remember when I first figured it out. I was driving up to Somerset with my friend Larry and his mom and I thought, "Wait... Big Beaver? Is that really what the exit is called? That can't b- really?!? Holy crap!! Big Beaver! AHAHA! And it's exit 69!! What were they thinking? What a bunch of idiots!! HAHAHA!!....oh boy, I can't wait to grow armpit hair." My awkward puberty years aside, it appears that the people who name roads in Kentucky might've just one-upped their Oakland County counterparts.

// Lastly, some Facebook groups are never meant to be left:

The World: Still Running Without Me

I could take the liar approach (usual go-to) and say that I was busy during finals week. I could go on and on about how the week off between spring semester and summer semester was "me time", but I won't. I'm going to take the moral high road and lay it all out there, even if by doing so my social reputation gets kicked in the crotch. Ah... who are we kidding? My social reputation already mimics the weird 35-year-old guy with no kids who hangs out in the parking lot after high school basketball games. Here it is: I've been a shut-in the last two weeks for one reason: Grand Theft Auto IV. If you haven't heard, seen, or read about this video game, you're probably a shut-in yourself, albeit for very different and more uncouth reasons. Simply put, it's the best video game I've ever played. The entire GTA series was lost on me until my buddy Schroed let me borrow San Andreas. Since then, I've been anxiously awaiting its debut on the next-gen systems (a PS3 for me, suck it Brian). The story line is incredible. The control is nearly flawless. The newly-overhauled Liberty City environment in unparalleled in its depth and detail. I've been playing constantly and am still only about 65% done with the story missions. It's gotten to the point where the joy of controlling little Niko (main character) - and literally doing anything you want in his faux New York - is gradually losing ground to the "bummerosity" I'll feel when I've completed the game.

So this blog entry for me is cathartic. For all the GTA fans, let's speculate on the next city Rockstar will choose for the setting of their next $60 addiction. Brief recap: they've already set games in their equivalents of New York (Liberty City), Miami (Vice City), L.A. (San Andreas), San Francisco (San Fierro), and Las Vegas (Las Venturas). What are the other possiblities? What are the particular advantages/disadvantages these fake cities could hold? What would Rockstar choose as the fake name? Let's explore:

// Chicago: An obvious choice as it's the most populous U.S. city Rockstar hasn't covered yet. I don't think it would work as a present-day Chicago, though. It's too similar to Liberty City and I don't feel like there's a whole lot of personality there. Going in a different direction, Prohibition Era Chicago would be reeeeeeal greasy. I'm gonna pat myself on the back for a good idea.

Fake Name Pick: Lakeview

// Hong Kong: I'd say Tokyo but that's kind of banal, so Hong Kong is a better pick. A lot of people speak English there. There hasn't been an Asian protagonist yet in the GTA series. It's very near the bloated, over-the-top gambling mecca of Macau. There's a decent inherent danger that American gamers will feel. This might be my top pick.

Fake Name Pick: I can't think of anything that doesn't sound a little racist.

// Generic Future City: Sadly, this would deviate from the realism (maybe the neatest feature) of the previous titles. However, as my 5th grade teacher Mrs. Lowery would say, there are no bad ideas in a brainstorming session. The biggest plus is that the possibility exists for now-impossible weapons and transportation. Think more along the lines of Blade Runner or Coruscant from Star Wars. Basically, any future city that wasn't like I, Robot.

Fake Name Pick: Just call it "Grand Theft Auto 2059"

// Rio de Janeiro: They could make you go through a young man's life á la City of God (Kevin just got aroused). It'd be a cool/ballsy idea for them to do the whole thing in Portuguese and subtitle it all. There could also be an added element to the gameplay where the objectives switch from classic GTA "climb the criminal ladder" mode and a more raw, edgier "just avoid the random violence and stay alive" mode.

Fake Name Pick: Ciudad del Fuego

// Baltimore: This would be a challenge only because a storyline of an anti-hero conquering the streets of Baltimore would be ridiculous. There won't be any saviors in Baltimore. A good gameplay idea - however far removed from the criminal perspective of the previous games - would involve controlling a snitch. The burden of having to balance earning criminal trust with keeping the cops satisfied has some potential. If this sounds an awful lot like The Wire, it's because it's completely ripped off The Wire.

Fake Name Pick: Outer Harbor

// Detroit: This is admittedly a homer pick, but Detroit has some good credentials that would lend itself to the ultra-violent urban insanity that GTA fans love. I don't know if you guys knew this, but Detroit has a fairly serious crime issue. There could also be some great smuggling missions stemming from Canada's proximity. This might be a great pick. Or maybe I just want to see Rockstar do a caricature of Kwame Kilpatrick.

Fake Name Pick: Motor City would be good, but if they couldn't do that: Wasteland

THE LINK DUMP:

+ Things Younger than John McCain Highly recommended for a good laugh.

+ FOX picks up Mitch Hurwitz's Shit Down, Shut Up He created Arrested Development, and this animated show has Jason Bateman, Will Forte, and Will Arnett on the voice cast. Is it possible to predict that a show will rank in your top 10 favorites before it comes out?

+ Beerijuana **turn off speakers** A band name so incredibly bad, it's incredibly good.

+ Culinary Abortions from Japan I never thought I'd be discouraged to travel.

Spring Cleaning

April was a pretty good month, but I've got a feeling that May could be a real barnburner. In the blogospheric version of spring cleaning, I've decided to dispense - rapid fire - the best of all the remaining links I've accrued this past month. To coincide with the changing seasons, all of the little plus signs will be in sequential RAINBOW COLORS! I'm doing this in the morning because I plan on drowning myself in Bavarian hops (and quite possibly some liquor endorsed by a fictional pirate) for the rest of the day. Let's set sail...

+ Characters from The Wire drawn in the style of The Simpsons. I like animation crossovers, like the episode of South Park where the boys are drawn in anime. Part of me wishes there was more stuff like this.

+ Here's an ABC News article about a children's book made for kids whose parents are having elective cosmetic surgery. I have nothing against plastic surgery, I understand why people do it, and I fully support the people who get stuff done. That being said, do we really have to sugarcoat the kids? Just tell them what's up! 

+ I really don't care how well he swims for the U.S., I'm beginning to hate Michael Phelps.

+ From the Department of Bitchin' Furniture: Branch Light.

+ Disappointing article about the revival of class warfare at Dodger Stadium.

+ Rick Rolls. Quite literally.

+ The Top 5 Laziest Inventions. Kinda funny. Nothing to write home about.

+ I was genuinely excited about this one: Disney and Pixar's lineup through 2012. They all have brief little synopses. Not surprisingly, they all sound like decent movies. Although I have never seen - nor do I plan on seeing - Cars. So I'm not really looking forward to Cars 2.

+ Hosting an office party soon? How about having the words on the banner in this nudist typeface? Aaaaaaaaaand you're fired.

+ 2 Star Wars links in one sitting. Think you can handle it? First up is a collection of photos by Cedric Delsaux that takes the SW characters and transplants them into modern, ubran settings. Next there's a poster that looks a little too good to be true. You decide if it's legit.

+ More from the furniture store: an LED rug that looks like a must-have if you're a cokehead. On Mars. Going through a divorce. Nah, I'm just kidding I think it's rad and I want one.

+ The Big Ten strikes again! A team of Boilermakers is responsible for this automated hamburger-making device. Chalk one up for the good guys.

+ Last, but certainly not least: the opening credits for Star Wars done in the style of Saul Bass: