I Miss Conan's Walker Lever

Joey 6-pack vs. Joe the Plumber

Winner: Joey 6-pack.

Politics I Guess

// Has anyone seen that new Bdubz commercial? In case you haven’t it goes like this: a bunch of people are enjoying themselves at Buffalo Wild Wings, with the assumption that they are there to support their sports team of choice, while enjoying some drinks. One version of it has them watching their fictional NFL team and there is a booth challenge. The ref looks into the booth and appears on the big screen at bdubz asking the crowd what he should call. One drunk guy gets up and says we don’t want to leave yet! Keep it going! Yeah!!! Everyone agrees. The second version is a fictional MLB manager getting on the phone to the bullpen, but instead it goes to bdubz where the drunken crowd yells to put in (insert tigers bullpen) into the game, because that will keep the game going! YEAH!!! What kind of fans are these people? They would rather see their team lose then get wasted. And hey guys… you don’t have to leave once your team wins, I mean if anything that’s more of a reason to celebrate. Fellow blogger, Mike, a.k.a. Old Hone, and I basically have the same philosophy about things like this. If a company makes such a retarded commercial like the one listed above then we purposely go out of our way to never buy their product. I still haven’t bought Miller Lite since those horrible ads back in ’05, even though I guess you could say they have rebounded with the more recent Man Law ads, it’s still too early for me. To wrap this up, don’t go to Buffalo Wild Wings if you have a choice, this commercial needs to be repudiated.

// Speaking of retards, hey Hollywood, what’s going on? Have you heard about this election thing that’s going on? I think some of you had. Jessica Alba apparently has.

Dear Jessica Alba and Hayden whateverthefuckyourlastnameis,
If I didn’t care about this election, I would honestly purposely not vote just to spite both of you. In the same sense that retarded ads piss me off, believe it or not, retarded psa’s get me going to. Hayden, you’re not worth a wikipedia search to see what it is that you do, but please shut the fuck up, just do a Playboy spread or something, if you’re old enough. Jessica Alba… ah, Jessica… please just stick to what you’re good at: looking good and being in horrible comedies.
sincerely, my penis.

// Staying on the politics train, next stop: Sarah Palin. Alright let’s not actually talk about her, but instead watch the best Palin parody that I’ve seen yet.

// I watched most of the presidential debate tonight, at least until a new episode of South Park aired at 10. Nothing really to comment on here, same thing we’ve been hearing for awhile from both candidates. If anyone watched it, then you would notice that there were way too many references to “Joe the Plumber.” Who the hell is this guy? Maybe it’s because I was apparently that deeply affected by Zeke the Plumber that I could only think of him when they brought his name up like 50 times, (Salute Your Shorts reference, kids). Joe/Zeek does not represent middle of America, if you ask me there’s a better plumber out there that I would much rather be the cornerstone of middle of America. He can unclog your pipes, take some mushrooms, and still save a princess. Mario the plumber represents middle of America way better then Joe. Joe is basically Mario’s third cousin removed, he wouldn’t know what to do with a koopa troopa if it rubbed up his leg. Jump on it Joe, jump on it.

Lukewarm Topics

// There are a lot of things that make people unique. That's a fact, and it's pretty much the definition of unique. Gender, race, height, weight, personality, values held; these are all broad terms that can be broken down further (and further and further) until eventually you can map out exactly who a person is, albeit still with a tone of generality. One of my personality quirks was brought to my attention a couple of years ago by my associate Dr. Schroed. Schroed and I had - at this point - known each other for some years and he was comfortable enough around me to bring up this Hone-ity without fear of me being offended or any similar repercussion. He said to me on one of our innumerable listless post-4-on-4 basketball Saturday afternoons, "Hone, you like to judge people's names." Immediately, I realized he was right. It had never been brought up to me before, but I quickly realized it to be true. Schroed's cup had runneth over with examples in which I'd hear a person's name and respond with a seemingly limitless arsenal of high-brow, well thought out comments like, "That name is stupid..." or "Awesome name." My initial reaction was to reel in this behavior. After all, who am I to judge names?... Then I thought about it some more. No one else I'd met at that point judged names. I was sailing in uncharted waters, and I was having a good time doing it. I felt like the act of judging names was a new continent and I was the first explorer to reach the shore, if only in my personal circle of co-conspirators. Sticking with that analogy, I decided to plant my flag down and claim the name-judging continent for my own sweet self. In case you were wondering, there is a reason for this perhaps-too-lengthy exposition. I was wandering aimlessly with my thoughts the other day and one of the stops on my mind-train was Disney movies. I can't remember exactly how I came to be on that track, but I think it had something to do with me seeing an ad for the Broadway adaptation of The Little Mermaid. The mind quickly surmised the gem, "Ariel. That's a dumb name." Just like that, I knew I had the beginnings to a 'Stream post on my hands. Don't look now, but I just revealed how insanely easy it is to write a below-average blog. Anyways, I'll now unveil the most anticipated item yet in the young life of this increasingly soft-headed venture: Good and Bad Disney Princess Names. (cue the alternating beat of the tympani drum).
1) As was previously mentioned, Ariel is a dumb name. It's bad not only in a general context, but also as a device in the maritime story. First, Ariel is androgynous. What do you think the full name is of Ari from Entourage? I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention this fellow who - and this is purely speculative - might've been an advocate for genocide. Gender-bender issues aside, the name also sounds stupid in a movie that takes place predominantly underwater. Ariel is a homophone for aerial. She's a half sexy woman, half sexy fish. Why would you name her something that reminds us of flight? C'mon, Disney. Think.
2) Let's move on to Jasmine, the Arabic princess who went slumming and found true love. I love that name. It has a hint of stripper in it, but that's not making me shy away. You want to have a little stripper in your name, just not too much. That kind of thing can be easy to overdo. It bears mentioning as well that Jasmine lends itself to a great nickname that can be used in colloquial situations: Jazzy. That sounds pretty good.
3) Belle. Meh. It's not a terrible name, but it's not doing a lot for you, right? Based on absolutely no research and only very little logic in general, I'm inclined to think that the name Belle is derived an actual bell, which is almost ridiculous beyond words. If you put a gun to my head I'd say that yes, a bell is a decent object relative to all other objects ever conceived, but what is that really? It makes just as much sense to name your bestiality-curious daughter Ladle or Plier. Plus, the first time you come across some clever people who don't give a dook if your feelings get hurt, your new nickname becomes Ball. Overall, I'd give it a C-.
4) What about Snow White? Again, this isn't terrible, but after the birth I'd make sure and move into a decidedly un-diverse school district. Between the racial undertones and the pale skin jokes that the name is just begging for, I'd consider naming her Amy or something in that genre.
5) In the case of Pocahontas, it's hard to argue with a name so well-known in a historical sense. I'll say this: if I was the chief or whatever of her tribe, I'd consult my shaman or my witch doctor or whatever kind of soothsayer I was employing and I'd ask this, "In the future, is there going to be a nearly globally-used language in which my daughter's name could be manipulated into some kind of sexual pun?" The clairvoyant employee would say, "Yeah, it'll be called English, and the word "poke" will be a euphemism for sex that will gain much popularity when a musician named Dr. Dre uses it in the song The Next Episode." Bam. Problem solved.
6) Lastly, let's touch on the non-human in the group, Nala from The Lion King. Can't be mad at that. First, it's the name of a lion. You shouldn't judge names of things that can eat you. That lesson's been learned far too many times. Also, I can dig on names with some African flavor. Almost all the names from that movie were at least catchy. Simba, Nala, Mufasa, Rafiki; they're fun to say and they're not hurting anybody. Sounds good.

// I have one pair of khaki shorts and one pair of dill corduroys (I only call them dill because that's what it said in the catalog, I know it's dumb) that have that little pocket inside the pocket apparatus. I can't stress enough how awesome it is to have that feature. The second pocket is perfectly sized for two things: a pack of smokes or an iPhone. I assume Barack Obama is reading this, so I'll say the following: let's help our lawmakers reach across the aisle, embrace a bipartisan agenda, and work hard on passing legislation that would require all pants to feautre the tiny flap (henceforth called "second pocket") in the right pocket. How annoying is it when you're walking and your phone is flopping around like a dying fish on coke? Put in that second pocket. It feels like you're a robot and all your life you've been walking around without all of your outer plating bolted down properly. Second pocket has changed my life for the better. Join the fight.

// There's another item to add to the ever-expanding list of "Why College Football is better than the NFL": the comebacks. I thought about this last week, but I was too busy to give the point its justice and articulate it the way I wanted. Remember two weeks ago when the Colts came back against the Texans? I'll concede it was a great comeback by the Colts. It showcased a lot of moxie and was fun to watch. The fly in the ointment lies in the fact that the Colts needed the Texans to eff up or their comeback wouldn't have been possible. I feel that more often than not, such is the case in the NFL. Big, BIG comebacks can't happen unless both teams are assisting. That's no good. Allow me to take you back to October 30th, 2004. I was spending a fine weekend in Ann Arbor with fellow 'Streamer Kev and formerly-frequent commenter Mig to take in the MSU/UofM football game. My Spartans held a 17-point midway through the 4th quarter. They'd absolutely dominated the game up to that point, but Drew Stanton had just been sidelined by LaMarr Woodley. Damon Dowdell had tried his best for nearly a quarter to give the game away, but State still clung to their sizable lead with a ridiculously effective running game (368 EFFING YARDS!!!!). Then, with around 7 minutes left in regulation, something happened. Michigan - more specifically, Braylon Edwards - turned into Spiderman. I don't want to relive the details, suffice it to say the Wolverines pulled out the victory and sent me into a tear-soaked, Charlie Sheen in Platoon-like breakdown. Despite my obvious distaste for the results, I maintain to this day that it was the best football game I've ever seen in person. The reason? The manic pace and the... wait for it... the purity of the comeback. The more I look back on it, State didn't do anything to eff up. They played their second-best game of the season that night (they beat 9-0 Wisconsin two weeks later). Michigan, mostly Edwards, just earned it that much more. Chad Henne would drop back, close his eyes, and uncork a deep one in Braylon's general vicinity. It seemed like 8 different times; Braylon just went up and got it over Jaren Hayes. When even the incredibly bitter defeated party can admit the greatness of an opponent and offer a tip of the cap, that's a football game worth getting emotional over. You don't get those type of quality, no-BS comebacks in the NFL.

// Quick link. Never-Say-Neverisms. I like this kind of stuff.

// See you at week's end with picks. Au revoir.

CFB Picks Week 7 (Superstition Galore!!!)

// It's Saturday morning. I feel like I'm still getting the picks in on time, but this whole thing now reminds me of back in middle school when homework would be due at the start of class and I'd be copying from Kevin's like 30 seconds before the bell rang. Weird. Building on that point, I'm mailing it in by posting some of the better pictures I've come across in my recent internet travels. Some are funny, some are interesting, some are sad. We run the gamut in these parts, Jack. Ahoy! 

^ Almost made me cry. I probably shouldn't have thrown it up here.

^ Grown up Calvin and Hobbes. I loved that comic.

^ I was just thinking a couple days ago how grueling the campaign schedule must feel.

// Enough pics, let's get to the picks. I chuckled to myself after writing that... I am so alone. Week of 10/11/08. Home teams in ALL CAPS.

+ CINCINNATI (-7.5) over Rutgers -- I always spell Cincinnati with two Ts and only one N. I think it's because their was never a clever rhythmic thing to learn how to spell it like their was for Mississippi or Tennessee. If you haven't seen Rutgers play yet, consider yourself blessed. They're beyond awful. Greg Schiano seems to be suffering the same ill fate as Kirk Ferentz. Anyways, Brian Kelly is a guy I have enough faith in to lay 7.5. Book it.

+ MICHIGAN (-17) over Toledo -- There was a kid from Michigan who used to write for this blog. I think he might've gone to jail or something. Whatever, hey.... let's chalk this one up to the old "up/down" theory. Last week, Juice Williams went banana-balls in Ann Arbor. The last time Michigan was annihilated that thoroughly at home was against the Brad Banks-led Hawkeyes in 2002. It was very un-Michigan. I say they put together a nice offensive game against Toledo, a school that once hosted yours truly for 4 straight summers in band camp AWESOME KID CAMP. By the way, if this seems like I'm trying to pull a 3-week-long jinx on Michigan for the purposes of October 25th, it's because I am.

+ GEORGIA (-13.5) over Tennessee -- See? I spelled Tennessee right on the first try there. Nice! UT is really, really bad. They only scored 13 on Northern Illinois! Georgia looked bad against Bama, yeah, but jeez-o-peets. Georgia's at home and I just think their talent level dwarfs that of Tennessee. Caveat: I was thinking UT for this one for a while until I saw this completely insane item (worth the click). That's enough to lay two touchdowns right there. Next.

+ NORTHWESTERN (+1.5) over Michigan State -- Trying for the reverse jinx here. Nothing fancy.

+ CENTRAL MICHIGAN (-7.5) over Temple -- There was also a kid who went to Central that used to write for this blog. He's definitely in jail.

+ Lock of the Week: Penn State (-6) over WISCONSIN -- I'm high on Penn State, no doubt, but there's no denying they are very close to complete. Dig this as well: Wisconsin will again be without its band. That does not bode well. I'm a firm believer in the power of the band. Not that I'd ever join it. Those nerds. "Hahaha... Hey Jimmy, check this out... NERDS! Hahaha!"

Last Week: 2-2-1 (EEE)
Season: 10-10-2 (VEN STEE)
LOTW: 2-2 (VEN)

Selecciones para el Fútbol Americano de la Universidad para la Semana Seis y Otras Cosas

// Lo siento for the spanish title, but I just got back from Spanish and I've got the pep in my step that can only come from hearing that sexy, sexy language. ¡Ay! In keeping with tradition, I'd like to crack wise about a few non-football items before we delve into this week's version of the inevitable disaster known as "my picks". For yours truly, yesterday was a day dominated by the presidential election. After my morning classes, I moseyed on over to the West Circle side of the MSU campus to take in the most dynamic speaker since Cyrus in The Warriors: Barack Obama. The gates opened at 11:30, so I surmised that if I staked my claim in the queue at 10:15 I'd be good to go. Gargantuan mistake. I've only been to Cedar Point twice in my life, so my frame of reference is pretty limited, but this line was at least quadruple anything I've seen in Sandusky. The final attendance estimates pegged the crowd at 20,000+. If that's truly the case, I'd say 80% of the mob was ahead of me in line an hour and a half before the gate. The feeling of awe that overcame me seems weird; I've seen way bigger crowds before. I've spent many fall Saturdays in East Lansing and Ann Arbor, whose stadiums hold 75,000+ and 105,000+, respectively. Why the incredulity at a crowd roughly 1/5th the size of the Big House? It was the line. At its point of greatest girth, the line was 3-4 people wide, so my perspective was skewed. Quickly summing up this pointless, boring story: I remained standing for about 6 hours, quite possibly my longest non-sitting stretch since my prolific profit-lowering days at Tim Horton's. The speech given by the next President (any doubters remain?) was good, albeit a tad lacking in specifics. But nowadays, whose speeches aren't like that? Overall, I'm glad I went. When I got home, a quick dinner and some good dialogue with my roommate Stick-Peezy set the table for the Vice-Presidential debate. My initial viewing motive was to see the anticipated train-wreck by the woman who is single-handedly redefining the word train-wreck, Sarah Palin. Surprisingly, she wasn't that awful. While she did answer questions like one of the perps in Law & Order being interrogated by Jesse Martin and Jerry Orbach (my favorite duo), her overall demeanor in dealing with Senator Biden's offense was commendable. The majority of pundits are calling the debate a tie, and I can't disagree. I had one critique of Biden while watching: I found myself wishing he would dole out more thinly-veiled criticisms of A) Palin's complete lack of experience in national policy-making, and B) the Republican party as a whole and the leadership of the past 8 years. I'm paraphrasing here, but Palin had many comments that basically alluded to, "Sorry, Senator Biden, but I don't think America's been happy with how the government's been running things lately." Just once - once - I wish Biden would have came back with, "You're absolutely right, Governor Palin. The government's been doing a terrible job the last 8 years, that's the main reason Senator Obama and I are running. The American people deserve new leadership, new policies, and new ideas in the White House. Four years under John McCain wouldn't give our country the change it needs and deserves, and I thank you for bringing up that point." OK, so I thought about that for a while. During the debate, I had a moment of self-realization; I don't think I'd make it as a speech writer - I come off too smug and petty. But if Biden said something to that effect, I don't think that would get construed as a super-harsh verbal barb, just some balls-y rancor. Enough blather, let's talk college ball.

// Jeez-o-peets, where to begin? Last week, while very fun to watch, was disastrous to me in the picks column. Earlier this week, my failings were kindly pointed out to me by noted fantasy sports warlord Hugh Noet. Hubris be damned, I have to write a rebuttal rationalization. A couple of my ridiculous pratfalls can be attributed to lack of knowledge and/or good judgment. I called Florida my second choice for "Lock of the Week". Oops. I basically called USC a perfect team. Again, oops. When favorites that big lose outright and I can't see it, there's no way around it. That's bad. The other losses I didn't feel as bad about. Ohio State failed to cover solely because of garbage time points by the Gophers. Michigan... well, Michigan. Where's my silver lining there? I owe a sincere mea culpa to the football deities for holding the maize & blue in such low regard. I hope that doesn't bite me on the rump on October 25th. In my defense, I did sort of call the upset when I said this was the first time I'd even picked against UofM - even in my unfathomably-beautiful-blonde-hair-covered head - and that Michigan would make me pay the price. I'm really grasping at straws here. Touché, Coach Rodriguez. Really though, even my wins - which were like finding two pennies on the same day your house burns down - were marred by my post-pick babbling in which I said I wasn't too sure about them. So, it all begs the question: what does a now-.500 prognosticator do after a meltdown like my week 5? He cinches up the belt, give himself two (2) slightly-harder-than-they-need-to-be smacks on the cheek, and puts his head down like he's 4th and goal from the 1. LET'S HIT IT!

// Week of 10/4/08. Home teams in ALL CAPS.

+ Penn State (-14) over PURDUE -- I feel ashamed I have to ask this, but who has the final say for what time games are played? It has to be either the home team, the conference, or the media outlet, right? If it is in fact the home team (and I think that's true in most cases), shame on Purdue. You're playing host to the 6th-ranked Nittanies, coming off their best win of the season, and it's a nooner? At least give yourselves a chance! What I like about Penn State is this: the defense is fast (not great, but fast) and the offense can adapt and score in a variety of ways. By the way, how about Derrick Williams? Lauded as one of the best athletes in the country on the recruiting trail, he was a freshman during Penn State's dream '05 and looked ultra-promising. His potential has gone - for the most part - unrealized. Last week, though... what a sight. 1999 Peter Warrick-esque. Dig it: I look at this game and I can't shake a couple thoughts. Purdue looks like a team without any chutzpah. They crapped away a home game to Oregon, squeaked by LeFevour and Central, and then last week they played Notre Dame. In such a big rivalry game for the Boilers, they came out flatter than the 2-liters of Fresca my Dad drinks over 10-day intervals. FYI: Fresca = terrible. Purdue's toothless persona plus a Penn State team that looks bona fide championship-caliber equals a home dog that I can't give a second glance to. JoePa wins by 17-20.

+ ALABAMA (-16.5) over Kentucky -- It's funny to think that a year ago, Kentucky probably would've been favored in this tilt, regardless of venue. That's why - as you can recall - I deemed Saint Nicholas the best coach in the SEC. I want to quickly mention one of the countless reasons why college football is so much better than the professional variety. Last week, Bama was excellent; truly a joy to watch. Aside from last year's Pats, excellence is something you rarely see in the NFL. The Cowboys - thought invincible by many - lost in a fashion that was much worse than their score against the Redskins indicated. I enjoy watching a team (read: any team not playing my Spartans) that is 100% in sync. Right about now, Roll Tide fits that bill to a T. Kentucky doesn't have the personnel to hang with Bama, especially during the hero's welcome Bama will receive at Bryant-Denny. Lay these points, baby.

+ Texas Tech (-8) over KANSAS STATE -- I hate it when I vehemently disagree with Vegas. They're so good at what they do, my big disagreements feel inherently wrong. You know what I say to that? I say to that what I say to a lot of things: EFF IT. My record notwithstanding, I'm not a complete idiot. I know some things. First, Texas Tech can score score score score score. Score. Mike Leach puts up points like the Cohens put up Ryan in The OC. Yeah, I watch the show online. Take away my dude license, I don't care. Second, Kansas State has never been the same since Bill Snyder left. They're an afterthought. An also-ran. At best. I don't think they can stay within 8 points of the Sexual Orientation Ambiguous Zorros. Book it.

+ Lock of the Week: Ohio State (-2) over WISCONSIN -- Another home dog. And I wonder why I'm not better at this. Hey, I've got an idea! Are you busy right now? No? Good, let's take a leisurely stroll down Flimsy Reasoning Avenue. A line of two - in a sport in which Vegas usually spots the home team 4 or 4.5 points - means it's not too far removed from a pick 'em. If someone came up and asked what I thought about this game straight up and then offered me a piece of blueberry-flavored coffee cake, I'd say, "I think Ohio State will win this game, and yes, I would love some of that coffee cake." It's Terrell Pryor's first Big Ten road game, and a more daunting challenge than a night game in Camp Randall is hard to find. I think a heavy dose of Beanie Wells and the mean Buckeye defense can carry most of the load to the point where they might only need TP to make 3-4 dynamic plays. I say he does it. Plus, I'm still upset with Wisconsin for enticing me into breaking one of my life-long cardinal rules of picks by looking sexy last week. Go have a Halloween party, jerks.

+ MICHIGAN STATE (-7) over Iowa -- Shocker, I know. Can you blame me, though? Iowa's allegedly stout D gave up three TDs through the air last week. Granted, they shut down 'Stream favorite Tyrell Sutton, but allow me to channel my inner Sean Salisbury (we absolutely don't miss you, Sean) for a second when I say, "I've seen Javon Ringer, I've followed Javon Ringer, I've scouted Javon Ringer, and I can tell you, Tyrell Sutton is no Javon Ringer!" Ok... whoa. Whoa. Boy, I gotta be careful. One can only stay in Salisbury mode for so long; any more than 20 seconds and you risk developing an urge to frost your tips once you turn 47. If the Hawkeyes do manage to ring in Ringer (zing), this game could get pretty interesting. Brian Hoyer doesn't inspire a ton of confidence, although he did look much better at Indiana last week. I think the Spartan defense will have a nice day against Iowa QB Stanzi (quick note: WHO?!?), especially with the return of Kendell Davis-Clark. In the end, I feel better about this spread than I did against Indiana. The most underrated factor of your team being coached by Dantonio is his refusal to let your team play flat for more than a quarter. MSU no longer plays to the level of their competition. They beat the teams they're supposed to beat, and they keep it close enough for a miracle against teams they shouldn't. Go Green!

Last Week: 2-4
Season: 8-8-1
LOTW: 1-2 (yikes)

Gooooooa-teeeeee!

// Those Tigers. Two things really stuck out in my mind as I was watching last night's 8-2 loss to the South Siders. First, the Tigers ended the season the same way they played throughout most of it: sorely lacking clutch hitting and employing an incredibly reliable bullpen. What? Reliable? Yes, reliable. The bullpen was reliable in that not one single Tigers fan ever felt safe with any lead at any point throughout - what I'm considering - the second most disappointing season by a Detroit team in my lifetime. In case you were wondering, I consider the Lions' 2005 season to be the most disappointing, if only because they showed so much promise in the 2nd half of '04. That season marked the end of my innocence as not only a Lions fan, but a sports honk in general. Anyways, I submit that this year's Tigers were almost as equally disappointing. Obviously, the $137.7 million payroll makes the sting a bit more potent. But that's not what hurts the most. The Tigers are Detroit's flagship team, more so than even the Lions or Red Wings (btw, methinks the Pistons are a distant 6th behind UofM and MSU football). The Detroit area had its hopes set so high for the Tigs, and therein lies the reason this season felt so much worse than just "highly-paid underacheivement". The Tigers turned in embarrassingly sub-par performances that we witnessed all season. Each one felt like the same kick in the stomach, which hurt even more when one considers the current state of everything non-sports related all over the metro area. The existence of sport, when broken down to its most basic function, is escapism. It's why Rome had the Colosseum. When there is great entertainment afoot, people don't pay as much mind to their real-world problems. The incredible buzz generated by off-season acquisitions and the (seemingly surefire) improvement of young stars was even further enhanced by Michigan's desire to lose itself in what they thought was to be an excellent team. Those aspirations were quickly dashed during the 2-10 start. Although the team had its little hot streaks from time to time, the writing was on the wall as early as mid-April. There would be no repeating 2006. I suppose there is only one thing in which to take solace: spring training begins in 5 months.

// I want to talk about TV for a bit. Some time ago, I railed pretty hard against Entourage. In my mind, the show had become stagnant and bland. After watching the first 4 episodes of Season 5, I'm very pleased to report that this is generally no longer the case. The way I see it: three very good episodes, and one that was pretty bad. Given the current amount of absolute garbage on television, I'll take a .750 hitter any day. They've corrected some huge mistakes, chief among them being the cohesiveness of the storylines. In seasons 3 & 4, it seemed like every episode hopped and skipped to something that had nothing to do with the one previous, like the show itself had incurred dissociative identity disorder. This season, it looks like we have 2 or maybe 3 nice, season-long story arcs. The writing has improved as well, and that in turn is making the actors seem much less ridiculous. Kudos to Doug Ellin and his band of merry men for giving us a watchable show again. Turning to a show that has yet to hiccup, The Office season premier was outstanding. If you haven't seen it, get on Hulu and hammer it out. Top notch stuff.

// In this life, there are sometimes things that are both incredibly self-explanatory and incredibly nonsensical simultaneously. Ladies and gentlemen, collectible vinyl babies dressed up as M&M's. I can only imagine the people who buy these things.

// I saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall. The short review: it was good. It was a very entertaining movie with a good mix of screwball comedy and slapstick comedy set against a decent enough romantic backdrop. I liked it and have recommended it to several people who haven't yet had the pleasure. That said, three effing discs? Forrest Gump didn't merit three discs. I think they fit Band of Brothers on less than three discs. For the life of me, I can't begin to fathom what they could be blathering on about for three discs. What do they have, 6 different commentaries? Come on.

// Americans Search for "Wizards", "Cupcakes", and "Sex Toys" More Often Than "Financial Crisis". This is oooouuuuurrrr country. BTW, who just types in "cupcakes"? Are their people out there who are that into cupcakes that they'll just take whatever general information there is? I could maybe understand typing "cupcake recipes", although I still can't imagine that often. Seriously, what gives?

// I like when someone does/says something really, really stupid or ill-contrived and then makes a sincere and genuine apology for it. I like seeing redemption. We all make mistakes, right? Right. So in a case in which the offending party is sincere and not just paying lip service, I feel they deserve forgiveness. Josh Howard, a forward on the Mavericks, made some very disparaging remarks about the Star-Spangled Banner and the US in general some time ago. Basically, he said he didn't celebrate the song because he's black. Many people took that as an implication that he doesn't care for the country because he feels it doesn't care for him, despite his hefty salary and the lifestyle it affords him. On Monday, Howard made his mea culpa during the Mavs' media day.

"I apologize to everybody I've offended," the 6-7 forward said. "I'm upset with myself and the way I've acted. It was just me joking around. I just wasn't using my head. I learned that words really do hurt and you are held accountable for what you said. I went to military school. I have friends that serve in the military. I know how it is to wake up and salute the flag. In the national anthem every game, I have my hand over my heart. It was just me not thinking."

You can peep the video if you want to see his demeanor. Personally, I believe he's being honest and he truly regrets his mistake. More often than not, I feel the public apologies given by athletes/celebrities/politicians are not true apologies, they're just acknowledgments of guilt. My mom used to call me on this when I wasn't truly sorry for one of my (countless) transgressions. She used the ubiquitous go-to line, "You're not sorry, you're just sorry you got caught." I think Josh Howard's sincerity deserves notice.

// The New Penny. Good gravy, why on Earth are they putting out special edition pennies? For crying out loud! Pennies! Nobody even likes pennies! I've said this non-bloggingly many times to anyone who would listen, but I'll say it again. Congress should enact a law that requires all non-electronic transactions to be adjusted in price so the final cost with tax included ends in a multiple of five cents. It just makes sense. I'm seeing Obama speak up here on Thursday. Maybe if I put on my Groucho Marx glasses I can get close enough to lay this whole thing out for him. One can only hope.

// Obligatory Star Wars Related Link: Lightsaber Chopsticks. They're exactly what they sound like.

// MAYBE NSFW. Lastly, dig this video. It looks like a ruse, right? Wrong. I know! The video just looks like a poor attempt at humor, but it's legitimate. Like the salad said to the soup, "I'm all mixed up!" (note: I stole that line from the season premier of The Simpsons, specifically Flanders)



// Ta-ta for now, party people.

Looking For Something To Do?

// Website of note: Last.fm I have been using this website constantly since I found it. If your iPod needs a kick of fresh music then this site is for you. It basically streams free music, and when I say music, I mean every single possible song that you could think of. This alone makes it a great website, but the tool that you can download has changed my life. Once you download the software you can connect it to your iTunes. Once you play a song in iTunes all the info for the artist pops up along with a recommendation list. After you play about 20 songs you can go into the program and it will start streaming live music of what it thinks you would like, based on what you've been playing in your iTunes. It's like the greatest radio station ever. I've already downloaded about 80 songs since using this that I've either never heard of before or just didn't know the name of it. Highly recommended.

// Another website of note: thesmartass.info Stupid name, pretty good website. Actually the website kind of sucks, but they make up for it by making it possible to play old school Nintendo games and Sega Genisis games. Lots of hours of my life have already been wasted because of this.

// They just don't make tv shows like they used to. This is a clip from Magnum P.I., what's important to realize is that this show was on the air for like the entire 80's. THIS ACTUALLY PASSED AS GOOD TV.

Great "oops" delivery.

College Picks Week 5 et al.

// Before we get to the picks, I'd like to share one of the many beefs I have with ESPN: that gosh damn ticker. In theory, the ticker they fire at the bottom of the telly is a nice feature. When they came up with the idea, the thought probably was, "Yeah, we'll just go through scores and the significant stats rapid-fire. That way, people will get the information on their team without having to sit through the whole show." That line of thought might've been met with some initial hesitation. After all, don't the ESPN honchos want you to watch more and more? It doesn't matter, I guess. Here's my problem with the ticker: it's like a salesman at a place like Home Depot. By that I mean there's never one around when you actually need assistance with something, but if you're just browsing (my father can do this for hours and I've unfortunately been in tow for a couple rounds), their are salesman on you like starving men on a Christmas ham. Such is the case with the ticker. If the only score I wanna see is the Tigers-Indians, I feel like it never comes up in less than 20 minutes. Vice-versa: if I'm watching SportsCenter in a casual manner - just peeping the day in sports - I feel like the ticker ruins my enjoyment. This happened this morning: I was watching SC and they led with last night's Mets-Cubs game. I'd watched the game up until the middle of the tenth inning, but I chose to switch off to see the movie Talk to Me on HBO. By the way, that was one of the best movies I've seen in a while. Dynamite acting, funny, moving, good message; the movie had a lot. Getting back to the story, the point is this: I didn't see the end of the game, nor did I pursue a box score when I woke up this morning. ESPN was breaking it to me for the first time. Much to my chagrin, the ending of the game - and the idea of the highlights telling me the story - was ruined because the effing ticker showed the final score of the game well before they'd even gotten to the extra-innings highlights. In the four-bedroom brownstone I like to call "Why I Despise ESPN", the ticker is like a breakfast nook. It makes me want to rip the hair out of my head.

// How about some picks? Hit it! Week of 9/27/08. Home teams in ALL CAPS.

+ Northwestern (+8.5) over IOWA -- My thinking on this one comes down to two basic ideas. 1) This figures to be a VERY low-scoring game. Iowa has displayed a fine defense thus far and is likely to at least slow down 'Stream favorite Tyrell Sutton and his 6.1 YPC. On the flip side of the ball, I don't think it matters if NW's defense is good or bad; Iowa's offense has been anemic at best (93rd nationally), and they're currently considering three different QBs. This is not a recipe for a scoreboard bonanza. 2) If I was picking this game straight up, I'd still have to give it some thought. I would eventually go with Iowa, but it'd take some time to reach that conclusion. Given that, I think 8.5 points is too much for the Hawkeyes to lay. One day I'll break down how Kirk Ferentz slowly became a victim of his own success.

+ FLORIDA (-22.5) over Ole Miss -- I almost made this my lock of the week (below) until I saw a more tantalizing line. Still, this seems pretty close to a lock. Ole Miss has been giving up almost 22 points a game, and to foes not nearly of the same caliber as Tebow and the Gators. Meanwhile, Florida's defense - much maligned a year ago - has been murdering opposing offenses. Statistically it's the best defense in the SEC and top 10 nationally. Urban Meyer is also a smart guy. He knows that the more he gets the reputation of highlighting his marquee individuals (Tebow), the better it will serve his recruiting in the long run. That's why he feeds Tebow so often, especially in-conference. This has the makings of a blowout. It's best not to make the equation too complicated, so here's what I got: Florida will score at least somewhere in the 35-38 range, and I don't think they give up more than a touchdown to the Rebels. Math.

+ OHIO STATE (-18) over Minnesota -- Terrelle Pryor had some really deft touch on some of those passes last week, didn't he? If all the surrounding hype about him turns out to be warranted, Ohio State's domination of the Big Ten will continue unabated. I hope this isn't the case, but he's yet to do anything that raises doubt. In the case of this fracas, I think the backfield combination the country's been waiting to see (him with Chris Wells) will do what's expected. Namely, score and score and score. Minnesota's getting better, but they're still a long way from staying close with the Buckeyes. At home. In the Big Ten opener. Looking to quell all who doubt their superiority in the Midwest. Eighteen is a pretty big line, but don't let the USC game fool you. USC is a different class of team than pretty much everybody right now. The Buckeyes are still a good team. Way too good for the Gophers.

+ Southern Cal (-26.5) over OREGON STATE -- In my preseason preview, I said USC wouldn't win a conference game by less than 14 points. I meant they'd win that much over the decent Pac-10 teams like Arizone State or Cal. The Beavers from Corvallis are not on the same tier as ASU or Cal, and I think the margin of victory in this game will reflect that. The Trojans are clicking on all cylinders right now, and there are a couple other things working in their favor. They're playing with an extra week of rest while Oregon State is playing with a short week. It's a nationally televised night game, and Pete Carroll's squads do the best when the light is brightest. Lastly, they have a psych edge: their last trip to Corvallis went awry, as the Trojans were ranked #3 and riding a 38-game regular season win streak. The Beavers upset them. Don't underestimate the vengeance factor. Fight on.

+ Lock of the Week: Wisconsin (-6.5) over MICHIGAN -- True story: I actually did a Looney Tunes-esque double take when I saw this line at 6.5. Wisconsin has a very fine football team; don't sleep on that win over Fresno State out in Cali. That was an outstanding win. Against a quality opponent. Far away from home. At night. Not many squads have the moxie for that. Michigan, on the other hand, has been disappointing so far, and that's saying something when you consider the expectations weren't very high to begin with. The one thing the Wolverines could always seem to count on - as long as I can even remember - was quality play from the offensive line. It seems the graduations and defections have taken their toll. Dig this as well: Wisconsin has a very good defense, and Michigan's personnel is a terrible fit for the offense they're running. I'll be flummoxed, nay, flabbergasted if the Maize & Blue can keep this within 10. (Side note: I've made it a policy to never ever ever pick against UofM, because I've always thought as soon as I do I'll end up eating my words. Finally picking against them after all these years feels strange, but I guess I'm taking that as a sign of how confident I am that the Badgers will cover.)

+ Just For My Personal Edification: Michigan State (-8.5) over INDIANA -- I'm not super-serious about this one. State looked very good last week, especially the D-line. Them being able to get pressure from just the front 4 was - to me - the biggest factor in the game. Kellen Lewis, the Hoosier QB, is definitely more mobile than Jimmy Clausen. However, this might make him more susceptible to blitzes from corners and safeties as he tries to scramble away from pressure, especially when IU's leading receiver has 14 catches on the year. Peep this as well: last week, IU gave up 166 yards on 29 carries and 4 touchdowns to MiQuale Lewis (glorious name, btw) of Ball State. I feel like Dantonio will feed Javon Ringer around 30 times; much less than his per-game average so far this year but still allowing him 170 yards and 3 scores. Given all that, I'd be remiss if I failed to mention that Michigan State is THE #1 BEST TEAM IN THE COUNTRY at crapping out huge let-down games after wins over rivals. Still, I'm taking the Spartans. I might be biased. Go Green!

+ So Far This Season: 6-3-1, Lock of the Week: 1-1

Your Week: So Far, Soooo Good!

// First, the obvious: in terms of events that weren't on the actual field of play, this has been the best Detroit sports day of my young life. Matt Millen - long-time Wile E. Coyote to the rest of the NFL's Road Runner - was finally ess-canned today after spending the better part of a decade as a saboteur GM for my beloved Lions. Just when I thought the day couldn't get any better, Todd Jones announced his retirement via his Sporting News column (more on that below)! When's the last time a major sports city got rid of its two most maddening characters in the same day? This might be unprecedented.

// With regard to Millen (bow your head and raise one hand to the heavens). His legacy will clearly be a near-random run of personnel gaffes and PR miscues, but how will his poor reputation stand up to the test of time? In terms of modern-day sports executives, there's no question he's on the Mount Rushmore of Fecal-Quality Management. The question becomes: does he rank #1 in badness? It's hard to say. Detroiters have a bias because they remember the halfway decent Lions that graced the gridiron right before Millen. There are certainly challengers to Matty's throne of embarassment. Isiah Thomas (who's middle name is Lord, a fact that gets swept under the rug too often) definitely gives Millen a run for his money. The tandem of Rod Graves & Bill Bidwill has been very Millen-esque in Arizona. Former Detroit Tiger GM Randy Smith was also top-tier terrible. I suppose time will tell to what degree of horrible Millen's tenure will ultimately be remembered as. My friends, it's not yet the time for recollection. Now is a time to rejoice! Sing the good news from a mountain(!!!): the Lions might get back to 9-7 in only a couple years!

// I'm less excited about this next one. Jonesy. Hot Toddy. Roller Coaster. He was known by several different names, but his body of work would never be mistaken for anyone else's. In the last 3 years, Todd Jones has made me use almost as many obscenities as the big toe on my left foot, which I stub against my bed so often I'm beginning to think it's magnetic. As the closer of the Tigs, his ERA has hovered around 4.50 since the 2006 season. Think about what that means. Way more often than not, he's pitching one inning of ball. If his ERA is around 4.50, it can be construed that every single time he comes in, there's a 50% chance he'll give up a run. It was despicable. While he did rack up 75 saves between '06 and '07, the two words I would least use to describe him were "effective" and "consistent". He was only effective in boosting the other team's confidence. He was only consistent in helping FSN Detroit keep their audience even if the game was a blowout. That said, he was - in a very strange way - extremely likable. Maybe it was his southern heritage and the inherent "aw shucks" quality. Maybe it was the glory of that handlebar moustache. Maybe it was the time I heard him call into 1270 WXYT with a nice buzz going. Whatever the case might've been, I feel like Jonesy's departure is bittersweet. Yeah, he sucked at closing games, and that's not a good quality to have as a closer. But he was our guy, a true Tiger. I'll probably miss him next year when Fernando Rodney is even worse.

// Quick TV note before some links. I watched Heroes for the first time the other night. My company: my roommate (maybe the best person to watch TV with ever) and his girlfriend (longtime Heroes fan, serving as our de facto tour guide). Despite somewhat sluggish ratings, the show is still pretty popular. The weird thing for me is I can't name 5 people I know that are into it. About 10 minutes into my first Heroes experience, I found out why this is. There cannot be a more asinine show on TV. Before you think, "Well, you just don't know the storylines.", let me break it down. There's a little Asian fellow who's name is Hiro. By the way, congratulations to the writers on being clever. That must be awesome. Anyway, Hiro's power is twofold: not only can he freeze time (essentially giving him the ability to teleport), but he can also travel back and forth in time to the tune of thousands of years. My first time catching up with Hiro (who is on the show Heroes, hilarious!) saw him chasing a thief with super-speed. Her power was pretty intense; she had speed that looked like The Flash or someone of the same ilk. So, super-speed blond girl ganked something from Hiro, I forget what. Hiro uses his time-traveling ability and his time-stopping ability at the same time (nice) so he can see who this mystery speedster is. Without any explanation before or any subsequent explanation thereafter, the blond super-speed thief woman un-freezes and begins talking to Hiro. After a brief exchange, she punched Hiro right in the nose (a moment that made me smile after I realized how much I dislike Hiro). Hiro, his nose just bloodied, stays on the ground dumbfounded and looking like he just farted in a meeting or something. I wanted to give him a memo, but I didn't have a pen or paper, so I had to yell, "GO BACK IN EFFING TIME AND DODGE THE EFFING PUNCH! YOU CAN TRAVEL THROUGH TIME AND FREEZE TIME IN PLACE! YOU CAN RULE THE WORLD WITH VERY LITTLE EFFORT!" The storylines of Heroes - which raise more questions than a Shawn Kemp pregnancy - aren't the only thing keeping this show from being even respectable. The dialog between the characters is very post-1995 George Lucas. By that, I mean that the characters say a lot of things that are unnecessary and/or said in a way that's totally unreflective of how people actually talk. Bottom line: if you're not watching Heroes, don't worry about it. If you are watching Heroes, you need to reexamine some things.

// I was watching college football highlights on Sunday morning. During the recap of East Carolina versus N.C. State, a game that turned out to be ECU's first loss, there was a shot of a kid holding a sign that said ECU Streak Pauses Now. You can't pause a streak, idiot. Streaks end.

// I really hate bad commercials and/or marketing, and I make that known often. Flip that coin, playa. I love seeing a piece of good/clever marketing. Case in point. Gotta watch the whole video.

// America: The Gift Shop. I would probably buy some of these. I got a weird feeling after browsing that. Like, "Gosh, I really can't wait for our country to be good again."

// I had this article saved for a while and I actually forgot about it. I don't say this about many things: highly recommended. Entertaining AND thought-provoking. Thoughts like, "should I move out of the country?" Dig it: Remember ICP? It turns out they're still around. In fact, they have a borderline-religious following of "Juggalos" that have a massive festival to pay homage. I always associated ICP with the kids in middle school who wore JNCO jeans and had that haircut where most of the head was buzzed real tight, save for the super-long, half-inch wide strip on the top. Ahhh.... good times. Seriously, good article.

// I'm definitely not the most efficient person in the world, and I've never claimed to be. I waste an absolutely gargantuan amount of time doing "nothing". Let me clear up what I mean by "nothing". It's not "nothing" in the sense that I stand still in the middle of my bedroom for a couple of hours. Rather, "nothing" refers to the total amount of enjoyment and/or benefit I accrue from my various time-wasting activities. It's good to know I'm not alone.

... And Your Boy Kelllllsss

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

// Season 5 of The Office starts next week, and in honor of that: Every single 'that's what she said' jokes from the show.

// The first time I watched this video I gave it a laugh. But on a second take, I realized that I feel like sending him one of these emails. I just saw Semi-Pro for the first time a couple of weeks ago, and watching it I felt like I've already seen it 10 times. He really needs to stop being Ron Burgandy in every single movie that he does.

// Take a look at this picture of Amy Winehouse and I guarantee a "Jesus Christ" will come out of your mouth. Honestly how is she not dead yet.

// See how I did that? Titling the post "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" ^3 things that apply to this. Yeah, suck it.

Week 4 College Picks et al.

// I wanted to start off with this picture and this song if only because they set the tone equally for a brief glossing of national politics and the kick-ass nature of college and its football.

// Soooo much stuff has happened since I last posted. By the way, sincere apologies for not getting picks in on time last week. If my record is any indication, me not putting my two cents in can only help the internet community at large. The lesson, as always: don't gamble unless you're good at it. So far this season - on games I actually put sheckles on - I'm down $180. That's not the number you're hoping for when you're newly unemployed (yes, I quit working at a golf course because I'm stupid) and spend 30 dollars a week on smokables. Eff it. Like I said, so much has happened. The Federal Reserve looks like it's hell-bent on becoming incorporated (and eventually going bankrupt), the Presidential race mud-slinging has kicked up a notch, and my Lions have set a new NFL record for "earliest point in the season in which fans watching on TV launch into obscenity-laced tirades even when nothing particularly bad is happening". The biggest news we've yet to hit on, however, is the suddenly prolific exposure of Sarah Palin. I don't want to drag on too long because I have some good thoughts on this week's NCAA games, but dig this: her impact on McCain's candidacy is summed up with the tried and true phrase "no press is bad press". I love that saying, especially for its dichotomous nature. First, take it as such: any news said about something is - at least primarily - beneficial to that subject. McCain's campaign was stagnant and boring in nature when compared to the dynamic Obama, at least until Palin signed up. Her nomination as Vice-Preezy gobbles up massive amounts of headlines. In this race, the publicity she brings - even if the topic is as uncouth as a knocked up Jonas Brothers fan - is great for the GOP's profile on the whole. Secondly, "no press is bad press" can be construed into a line of reasoning that, while somewhat circular, leads to a different point. McCain could've chosen a VP that he thought was actually right for the job (and if anyone thinks he thought Sarah Palin was the absolute correct choice, tell them not to have kids), but that wouldn't have grabbed much attention. He would've been stuck with "no news". Not having news about you is bad news. See what I did there? I'm a wordsmith. Like a blacksmith, but white. And using words instead of hammers.

// Let's get to the picks. Week of 9/20/08. Home Teams in ALL CAPS.

+ Lock of the Week: PENN STATE (-29) over Temple -- Yeah, 29 points is an utterly insane spread. That number should scare some people away, perhaps rightfully so. Here's why I think Penn State wins by more than four touchies: Penn State has faced Coastal Carolina, Oregon State, and Syracuse. Granted, none of those teams are any good, but the Nittanies still beat them collectively 166-37. That's an average of 55.3-12.3. Plus, even though the three aforementioned teams are bad, none of them are nearly as bad as Temple, save for Coastal Carolina, and that might be a push. PSU's new "Spread HD" offense (by the way, I put it in quotes because I have no idea what it means or how it works, like I would put "Velcro" in quotes) ranks 8th nationally with a very balanced attack (819 pass yards, 789 rush yards). Throw in JoePa's subconscious desire to embarass a school that dares to play football in the same state that he does, and you have the ingredients of what we in the (very) amateur prognostication biz call "football rape". Next.

+ Florida (-7.5) over TENNESSEE -- It might be dangerous picking against a home dog in the SEC, but I'm a risk taker. I take risk. Anyway, my theory on these two teams has less to do with what I've seen so far on the field (read: very little) and more to do with the dynamics of their relationship. Florida used to dominate throughout the 90s. First with Spurrier's elite squads of the early years and then they feasted on Peyton Manning's address in Choke City. After Tee Martin (who?) broke through that barrier and Ron Zook took the reins in Gainesville, the momentum shifted drastically save for a few upsets. Urban Meyer is the Jim Tressel to Phil Fulmer's Lloyd Carr. If you want to make Meyer into Lloyd Carr - and who wouldn't? - try this on: Meyer = Carr and Fulmer = Cooper. I feel like the whole "one coaching completely owning the other" is a trend that never gets enough credit. Oh yeah, Florida has much better football players, save for UT's Eric Berry, a boner-inducing safety cut from the same cloth as Polamalu, Dawkins, Lynch and Sharper. He might be faster.

+ Virginia Tech (+3) over NORTH CAROLINA -- Remember Boston College last season? They came (a little bit) out of nowhere and ran through their first 8 games unblemished? Florida State came up to Beantown in November and handled Matt Ryan & Co. The lesson: a conference's historically better, old warhorses have a mental edge over their upstart counterparts. UNC is much improved, and that was expected with the arrival of well above-average recruiting man Butch Davis (who I kind of wanted for MSU). They looked great last Thursday in pillaging Rutgers in Piscataway. Perhaps too great? I think they fall back to Earth as Frank Beamer and the Hokies maintain their status quo.

+ PURDUE (-10.5) over Central Michigan -- I hate to do this to my CMU cronies, but when it comes to picking football games against the spread, you have to leave emotion out of the equation. It's exactly like having intercourse, only less embarassing if you do it wrong. Purdue won last year in the Motor City Bowl by 3. First, I don't think Central is as good this year as they were last year. Still a good team, maybe the 2nd best team in the state, but not as hungry or deep 2 years removed from Brian Kelly. Second, I think Purdue is better than they were last year (they lost at home to MSU? What?). The program's been stagnating for too long and Joe Tiller is too good a coach to not coax 9 or 10 wins out of the Boilers. Combine those two theories and add in the fact that this tilt will be at Ross-Ade and not a Chippewa-heavy Ford Field, and I like Purdue to cover. Barely.

+ MICHIGAN STATE (-9) over Notre Dame -- To be completely honest, I can't even decide if this is a homer pick or not. I saw the Michigan-ND game last week, and I saw Michigan's game the week before. Michigan - admittedly a very mediocre team this year - is not nearly as bad as they were last week. They made Notre Dame look better than they are. The score will tend to be lopsided when one team commits 26 turnovers. Notre Dame also had the psych edge from getting their asses handed to them by UM the previous season, so the vengeance factor was in full effect. That being said, 2008 Notre Dame isn't 2007 Notre Dame. They are better, and this game will be better than last year's MSU-ND game, which State won by 17 - a score not entirely indicative of the domination. I don't think Dantonio's squad will make the unforced errors that Michigan did. Hence, ND won't be able to make b.s. 20-yard touchdown drives. The factor that pushes MSU into a 17 or 20 point victory: harnessed rage stemming from the 2006 game, the final 4th-quarter nosedive in the abortion of a career of John L. Smith. After the '06 game, I put on my 1952 National Championship season MSU helmet, went down to Spartan Spirit liquor store and spent my last $20 on a fifth of JD, went to the adjacent alley in the pouring rain, and split the booze with a bum for the better part of an hour. Not this time, Charlie Tuna. Booze, yes. Bum, no. Go Green.

+ So Far This Season: 3-2, Lock of the Week: 0-1

Around the Net

// This is an example of why you don’t post a nice picture of you and your dad when you were 7 and ask people to use photoshop to make it look better.

// The Wicker Man might be the greatest movie that I have never seen, just take a look at these highlights from the movie.

// A friend of mine recently called a pop, soda. I gave him a how dare you and asked him what his problem was. He had been living in Pennsylvania for a while and blamed the error on this. A fist fight ensued after I said there was no way they call pop soda in Pennsylvania. A week later he sent me this. We're still friends.

// A list of the top 10 trailer recuts. I'm going to have nightmares about the Mary Poppins ones.

// Now and then my friends and I make white people translations for rap songs. A little nerdy? Yup. But still fun. However, the guys that made this video take it to another level that I don't think we could of ever reached.

NFL Quick-Hit Preview & Week 1 Picks

// Who's got one and a half thumbs, was recently involved in horseplay around a bandsaw, and didn't plan ahead for his NFL preview? This guy! Before we get started, psych! about the half-thumb. I have both full thumbs intact. My apologies to those without the double full thumb. Tough cut. Enough nonsense, let's hit the divisions rapid-fire before I give my picks. I wanted to do a full preview and then set up the picks in a separate post, but like I said: there wasn't any planning ahead. Fair warning: this is more about the week's picks than the divisional predictions. Also, the NFL doesn't nearly give me (or most people I know) the chubby that college football does. Being a lifelong fan of the Lions will do that to you.

AFC North - At the end of last season - possibly due to the Steelers being defeated at home by the Jags in the playoffs - people were very high on the Browns as a possible division crown usurper. The Browns had a bad preseason and people are naturally souring on their chances. Not this guy. Pittsburgh is still a playoff team, but I think this is the year the Browns finally get to the playoffs and win a division title. The Bengals should hover around .500, and the Ravens should get excited for a top 5 draft pick in 2009.

AFC South - The Colts aren't the no-brainer to win the division they used to be; the Jaguars have closed that gap to an infinitesimal amount. Nevertheless, Indy is the pick to win, with the Jaguars getting the AFC's second wild-card spot. Keep an eye on Houston and Tennessee; they're both improving with each passing season. They're not quite there yet. Dig it.

AFC East - The easiest pick of them all: Pats win the division, and I don't think they do worse than 15-1. The Jets are an intriguing team (and possible wild-card team), Buffalo is a hot team among pundits, and the Dolphins are a near-certainty to have an improved record, but this division is like a kid who had to repeat 4th grade twice trying out for 7th grade basketball.

AFC West - Conventional wisdom says the Chargers win but maaaaaaaybe the Broncos can make a run, and I'm inclined to agree. The Raiders and the Chiefs are still undergoing massive rebuilding efforts. I couldn't possible care less. Side note: I sincerely hope that Shawne Merriman doesn't eff up his career by playing on his bum knee. He is truly a joy to watch when he's (legitimately) terrorizing O-linemen and lead-footed QBs. Stay healthy, Lights Out.

NFC North - I'm actually beginning to eat the Leo's cornbread to the tune of believing in 8-8. I'm like a victim of Stockholm Syndrome. Truthfully, count me amongst the Aaron Rodgers honks. I think the Vikes win the division but the Packers get a wild-card spot. I find that a lot of people overlook the fact that the Packers and Vikings defenses are totally top-notch. The Bears can be broken down like this: them not drafting a QB at any point in the last 3 or 4 drafts is like having a broken leg and insisting on doing the breaststroke 3 times a day, then wondering why the leg doesn't heal. Beyond idiotic.

NFC South - People are getting behind the Saints emotionally again, partly due to Señor Gustav, but I'm not totally sold yet. This is perhaps the hardest division to predict. The Falcons are obviously terrible, but the Saints, Bucs, and Panthers all have legitimate shots to win. I guess I don't have the sand to take a flyer on Tampa Bay or Carolina. Saints it is. I like Vilma.

NFC East - Top to bottom, the NFC East looks to be the best division going into this season. Based on the MASSIVE amount of talent they've accrued (and don't rule out a trade for Anquan Boldin), the Cowboys are a solid favorite to win the division. I think the second wild-card team comes out of this division as well, but it might not be who you think: the Redskins. I have - for no discernible reason - good faith in Jason Campbell. At every other position (especially in the trenches), the 'Skins are solid. Put 'em in.

NFC West - The NFL's version of the ACC. I can't convey how many things I'd rather do than think about this division. Let's make it short and sweet: Seahawks win the division, and every other team finishes no better than 8-8.

Wild Card Round

Jags over Chargers

Browns over Steelers

Packers over Seahawks (again)

Saints over Redskins

Divisional Round

Jaguars over Colts

Pats over Browns

Vikings over Packers

Cowboys over Saints

Conference Championships

Pats over Jaguars

Cowboys over Vikings

Super Bowl XLIII

Pats over Cowboys

// I know, it's a big risk taking the Pats. My middle name is Danger George. If you don't like it, feel free to send me an email. Let's move on. The lines are courtesy of CentSports.com. Home teams are in ALL CAPS. Without further ado, it's pick time...

NFL Picks - Week of 9/7/08

* Redskins (+4.5) over GIANTS *

* Texans (+7) over STEELERS *

* Rams (+7.5) over EAGLES *

* SAINTS (-3.5) over BUCS *

* BILLS (-1) over SEAHAWKS *

* Lions (-3) over FALCONS *

* Jets (-3) over DOLPHINS *

* RAVENS (+2) over Bengals *

* PATRIOTS (-17) over Chiefs *

* Jaguars (-3) over TITANS *

* 49ERS (+2.5) over Cardinals *

* CHARGERS (-9) over Panthers *

* Cowboys (-6) over BROWNS *

* COLTS (-10) over Bears *

* Vikings (+2.5) over PACKERS *

* Broncos (-3) over RAIDERS *

// College picks tomorrow. Malted hops tonight. Choice.

Happy Kickoff Weekend!

// Have a wonderful Labor Day Weekend everybody!

College Football Blowout & Week 1 Picks

// I had to wear a hoodie as I walked to class on the first day of school. That chill in the early autumn air sends an unmistakable message: football season is upon us. In my mind, the opening weekend of college football is second only to baseball's opening day in terms of season-beginning holidays. One is hard-pressed to find a more succinct slice of Americana. Allow me to paint a picture. You plan ahead and hit yourself with a 6 AM wake-up, with your adrenaline as the only weapon in your arsenal against the wicked hangover from Friday night. Staggering to the can, you mix in a hot shower accompanied by a super-cheap, ice-cold beer. The wardrobe is simultaneously simple and beautiful; your favorite tee, your lucky boxers, the pair of jeans you don't mind getting some mud on, and the most broken-in sneakers you've ever seen. Those first couple of steps outside into the brisk fall air function as a veritable buffet line for the senses. The faint smell of grills and foliage are so subtle they're almost a treat to find. You can almost hear your school's fight song in your head as you make your way towards your tailgate of choice. The excitement is so palpable it's hard not to scream in elation. Truthfully, there is nary a better feeling in the world than waking up on an autumn Saturday and preparing for a glorious day of college football.

Now that we're in the right mood, let's get to it: it's time for a preview of the college football season, MNStream style. We're going to do deeper than the players and teams. After all, college football is about so much more than that. I don't want to get to Zen on you, but the sport is bigger than the sport. The day wouldn't exist without the 11 guys on the gridiron, but the games wouldn't be the same without the accouterment that accompanies the experience. Let's break down the business end first, then get into some of the nuances. I'm gonna go through the conferences in a very scientific order: how much they matter to me. So, without further ado...

Big East

+ I can dig the Big East, I guess. The conference was left for dead after the BC/VT/Miami(FL) defections to the ACC, only to bounce back into a respectability that probably surpasses the thieving conference. There are legit-quality teams with some red-hot coaching names (Brian Kelly, Greg Schiano, Randy Edsall). That said, the Big East is still like the NL West of CFB, the conference equivalent of something a dude thinks of during sex so he can prolong the session.

+ Conference Champ: West Virginia - There's no real reason to think otherwise. They won't be as good as they were in very recent years, but I don't think Pitt or South Florida is improved enough to dethrone a team still chock-full of RichRod recruits led by the two most dynamic playmakers in the conference: Pat White and Noel Devine. Put down WestVa as a (very) dark horse team to go undefeated. 

+ Non-Obvious Player to Watch: John Baldwin, WR, Pitt - He's non-obvious because he's a true freshie. Baldwin was recruited by the traditional heavies, including UofM and USC, but chose to stay home. I can dig that. The dude has a Calvin Johnson-esque frame and can fly. In a conference not known for stingy defenses, you might see some special highlights of this cat.

+ Best Coach: Brian Kelly, Cincinnati - I had/have a bunch of friends at Central Michigan, and I'm happy to see them have a really good team. Kelly is responsible for most of that, and he spent his first year at Cinci the same way he left Central: coaching well. After RichRod's disastrous 3-year term at Michigan, I'd expect Kelly to be the head candidate to coach in Ann Arbor. 

+ Best Uniforms: Syracuse - I think these are absolutely gorgeous. The big block S, the shoulder stripes, the very nice-looking orange & navy scheme; their team may suck to high heaven, but they look very nice playing football.

+ Neatest Tradition: It's cliché - no doubt about it - but I love it when West Virginia fans get together for a raucous chorus of Take Me Home, Country Roads by John Denver. If I was a WestVa man and my team just won a close game and that song came on, there'd be no lawyer on Earth who would represent me in the aftermath. 

Atlantic Coast Conference

+ My thing with the ACC is this: they bring nothing to the table. That's not the worse thing you can say about a conference (or a guy in a group of friends, as is often the case), but in a sense it is more disparaging to say someone "brings nothing to the table" than it is to just call someone a jerk. Give me something, ACC. I feel like the entire conference could cease to exist tomorrow and I wouldn't care for more than 4 seconds. Still, a season preview wouldn't be complete if I ignored twelve teams.

+ Conference Champ: Virginia Tech - About 90% of pundits who get paid to write things like this (but much better) are picking Clemson. To that I say, "Phooey." I'm pretty decent at admitting when I'm wrong in cases similar to this. Count me amongst the people who thought the Bears would beat the Peyton and the Colts in Super Bowl XLI, and the people who thought Mickelson would never win a major, and the people who thought I'd never lose my V card. I always pick against consistent chokers until they prove - even if it's just once - that they have the sand to get nasty when it counts. 

+ Non-Obvious Player to Watch: Hakeem Nicks, WR, UNC - Yes, another WR. Check out this video of Nicks putting in heavy work against the Irish. Hakeem Nicks is - in the purest sense - an excellent all-around receiver; one of those guys who makes you smile and realize how fun it is to watch a good football player. He reminds me of Amani Toomer.

+ Best Coach: Jim Grobe, Wake Forest - He's turned Wake Forest into a conference title contender. Wake Forest. That's really beyond impressive. I wish he'd stay with Wake Forest for a couple decades and turn them into a always-decent type team. Unfortunately, methinks Mr. Grobe will be headed for greener pastures after another quality season with the Deacs.

+ Best Uniforms: Georgia Tech Goldenrod Alternates - This conference is full of uniforms that are exactly like the teams they represent. They all elicit the same response: meh. But when GT breaks out these babies (sometimes against UGA and 2 years ago against ND), I get antsy in my pantsy. Dig the white helmet.

+ Neatest Tradition: At Clemson, they touch Howard's Rock. Like all things ACC, meh. I like to mix in a little un-PC element into football traditions. Ergo, FSU's Chief Osceola. He runs around, hoots and hollers, and eventual throws his garish spear into the ground. Obviously, this is what Native Americans have always wanted. By the way you guys, sorry for stealing the country from you.

BIG XII

+ Most CFB enthusiasts agree that the Big XII has the best quarterbacks of any conference. You'll find no argument here. On the strength of those arms, the Big XII might prove by the end of the season that it's the country's best conference. At first look, Oklahoma looks to be the overwhelming favorite, but a deeper look reveals more than a couple teams that have the potential to make a run at the Sooners. Texas Tech, Texas, Missouri, and maybe even Kansas might have the gumption to steal the thunder from Bob Stoops' boys. This should be a fun conference to watch.

+ Conference Champ: Oklahoma - Oh, sweet irony! I pick the exact team I just said could have some trouble to win! There's a method to my madness. Oklahoma is just too stacked for me not to play the odds and pick them to win the conference. They have plenty of returning starters on the line and perhaps one of the best set of backs and receivers in the country. Mark it.

+ Non-Obvious Player to Watch: Duke Robinson, LG, Oklahoma - I used to watch football like 95% of America, by following the ball and/or the guy carrying it. While that's obviously the easiest way, it's also very fun to single out a lineman/linebacker/defensive back/whatever. On a team with such a balanced offense, watching Robinson as a run blocker is truly a sight. He dominates in close quarters almost as good as Jake Long, albeit from an interior position.

+ Best Coach: Bob Stoops, Oklahoma - I'm really giving oral to OU now. Still, there are few in the country that combine recruiting prowess and football knowledge like the revered Sooners coach. Even though he's earned the label as a big-game choker as of late, I still consider him one of the best coaches of my lifetime.

+ Best Uniforms: Iowa State - Simple. Elegant. A drastic improvement over their old chicken-inside-a-tornado logo, the new ISU uniforms are wonderful. Much like Syracuse, they employ a great set of shoulder stripes. Also like Syracuse, they employ football players who aren't very good at playing football.

+ Neatest Tradition: Texas Tech's "Guns Up" - Although the dude who portrays said Raider looks a little bit like a homosexual Zorro, I applaud the use of dangerous weapons as symbols of team spirit. Remember when we had the Washington Bullets? How much better is that than the Washington Wizards? Harry Potter idiots fanboys aside, I think people would agree that Bullets is cooler than Wizards.

Pacific 10

+ There's loads of talent this year in the Pac-10, and although the gap is being closed (at a snail's pace), USC is still far and away the best team in the conference. USC's second team would probably be the favorite in this conference. That's not hyperbole, I actually mean that. While Arizona State and others are getting better, the Trojans remain elite in every sense of the word. If I had to bet my life on something, it'd be a hard pick between the sun rising tomorrow and USC winning the Pac-10.

+ Conference Champ: Southern Cal - Again, there's no question here. ASU might give the Trojans a decent game, but with their talented (if unproven) offense and 1970s Steelers-esque defense, USC might not win by less than 14 points during their conference schedule. Their home date with the Buckeyes will feature about 10-15 first-day draft picks. On a related note, what is going on in my trousers?

+ Best Coach: Pete Carroll, USC - He looks a lot like one of my best friend's Dad, in case you were wondering. I believe that Pete Carroll is the best college football coach in the country. He reloads his teams like nobody since Bobby Bowden and Florida State in the early 90s. On top of that, he shows HUGE sand on the big stage and draws up game plans that are second to none. The rest of the Pac-10 should just throw in the towel until he gets bit by the NFL bug (which doesn't look like it's happening soon).

+ Non-Obvious Player to Watch: Jahvid Best, RB, Cal - My Spartans play the Golden Bears in 2 days, and I am absolutely petrified of Jahvid Best. He runs the 100-meter dash in 10.31 (source). If he trained for track, he'd probably be an Olympian. And since he's a running back, he might not drop the baton (zing). Pray that he blazes up a blunt on Saturday afternoon before kickoff. 

+ Best Uniforms: USC - In addition to their pristine record on the gridiron, USC has incredible uniforms. It should be obvious now that I have a proclivity for shoulder stripes. USC is no exception there. A subtle detail that I think - not to get too 90s on you - rocks the house is the gray facemask. I'm not even sure why, but the gray facemask makes me think smile. The Colts also utilize gray on their facemasks, which are my favorite in the NFL.

+ Neatest Tradition: I know other teams do it, but the hysterical atmosphere of Autzen Stadium makes Oregon's use of a diesel truck horn after a score seem cooler than anyone else's. In a tight game, the sheer decibels of the horn can kick the crowd into that extra gear. In a blowout, the fart-y quality conveys a sense of dominance, like giving your opponent a Dutch oven. (side note: I thought for ~5 minutes about taking the Dutch oven reference out, but I decided the greatness of the analogy overweighed the grossness)

The Southeastern Conference

+ Kevin talked about how much they suck earlier, and I couldn't agree more... in the academic field. The story on the gridiron, however, is much different. I hate admitting it, but it's been very true for the last 4-5 years: The SEC right now is the best football conference in the country. Ugh. That made me shiver just writing that. That said, here's what I say to the SEC: football in warm weather is for sissies. Football was born in cold weather, was meant to be played in cold weather, and should remain dominated by creatures of cold weather. Namely, the big nasties we grow up here in Big Ten country. The SEC is full of a bunch of cocky sissies who win bowl games because they play in nice, warm weather all year. Put some outdoor bowl games up in Chicago or Philadelphia. We'll see how much these show-boating dicks like football when it's so cold it hurts to breathe. Punks. By the way, you know what I like about being a Big Ten guy? Learning things.

+ Conference Champ: Florida - I pick Florida because A) I think the SEC East is the stronger division, B) Whoever comes out of the East (UF or UGA) will beat whoever comes out of the West (LSU or Auburn), and C) Florida has the two best "skill position" players in the country. I put "skill position" in quotes because - prepare for elitist statement - I appreciate the level of thinking and skill involved in being a modern lineman. Anyway, Florida's hiccup against Georgia last year was an anomaly in between Florida's absolute dominance of The Rivalry Formerly Known as The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. They'll get it done this year. A BCS title berth? I doubt it, unless SEC coaches are really, really, really, really, really, really prone to whining about rankings. Oh, wait a sec...

+ Best Coach: Nick Saban, Alabama - Yes, Urban Meyer is outstanding. Yes, this a little bit of a homer pick because Saban was my hero in the late 90s. Those facts notwithstanding, Saban is an A+ recruiter and has a sterling resumé in the college ranks. Etch it in stone: in 3 years or less, Alabama will go to a BCS title game undefeated. Saban. Dig it.

+ Non-Obvious Player to Watch: Julio Jones, WR, Alabama - One of the prized bulls from Saban's 2008 class, Jones is a young MAN. By that I mean while he is young, he is a MAN. His hype might make my non-obvious choice a somewhat obvious choice, but screw it. Remember his name and hope he doesn't get into trouble (not that SEC guys get into huge trouble or anything). He'll be a joy to watch for a long time.

+ Best Uniforms: Arkansas - Alabama and LSU are the most heralded, but the Razorbacks have some great things working for them. A complex logo that not every ADHD-riddled 7-year-old can draw, simple lines, and the cherry on top: their quarterback's last name. DICK. Case closed.

+ Neatest Tradition: The only conference that rivals the Big Ten in the tradition department, the SEC has a hyper-rich history of things that don't make sense to those who aren't fans. My personal favorite is kind of a combo: Neyland Stadium, home of the Tennessee Volunteers. The checkerboard endzone, the Volunteer Navy, and one of the greatest fights songs out there: Rocky Top.

+ Absolutely Stupid: I included this because - big shocker - I abhor the SEC. Their mascots are as follows: a tiger, a pig with tusks, another tiger, bloody water (somehow represented by an elephant), an officer in the Confederate Army who probably owned slaves and supported slavery, a bulldog, a railroad magnate's nickname, another bulldog, a bunch of guys who volunteered (somehow represented by a dog), a rooster used for illegal cock-fight purposes, a wildcat, and an alligator. Not only do we have some in-conference repeats (and in the South, the Land of Creative Thinking! How could that be?), but the other mascots are racists and exploited, possibly tortured animals. I don't think this is what Mellencamp was singing about when he sand, "This is oooouuurrrr country..."

The Big Ten

+ Oh, the glory that is Big Ten football. I'll save the majority of my swooning for my "me time", suffice it to say I love this conference. This year, the Big Ten has an almost-USC type of dominant team, and it's once again Ohio State. The Buckeyes have lost a little luster as of late (give myself a high-five for decent alliteration) per their back-to-back losses in the BCS title game. Regardless, they still remain head and shoulders above the rest of the conference. They'll start 3 guaranteed (barring injury) high first-round draft picks, and many other NFL quality players fill out their roster. Also, check out OSU's most hyped recruit in history, Terrelle Pryor. I haven't been this excited to watch a guy play for a team I didn't like in a long time. UofM's Pryor is Sam McGuffie, a white running back looking to become the first white running back ever to juke out a black defensive back instead of just running him over. Elsewhere in Big Ten country, Penn State looks to be the Buckeye's only (semi)challenge to the crown. My Spartans are poised for a nice season; I myself am looking at 8-4 as a reasonable goal. Wisconsin and Purdue will also be strong again. The goal of the Big Ten should be simple: beat up on each other nice and good so we can go out and kick the SEC's barely-literate asses in the bowl season. 

+ Conference Champ: OSU - I think I covered that enough. I really don't like Ohio State until their bowl game.

+ Best Coach Not Named Jim Tressel: Mark Dantonio, Michigan State - Just one step ahead of Ron Zook and Bret Bielema, The Doctor (b/c his initials are MD, see how clever we are at MSU?) is truly a Big Ten guy. He runs the crap out of the ball - almost always between the tackles - and he preaches the brand of nasty defense that's synonymous with great programs. As an added plus, he can recruit the crap out of folks and bring in top-level talent to an historically second-tier program. Take note, mother effers.

+ Non-Obvious Player to Watch: Tyrell Sutton, RB, Northwestern - It's a shame he's not on a better team because Sutton is an incredible running back. He has very good vision and cutting ability. I believe that if he ran behind a quality O-line, he could break 1,800 yards in a season. In my mind, Tyrell Sutton will be a late-round NFL draft steal a lá Willie Parker.

+ Worst Uniform: Northwestern - I already covered best uniform a while back (Michigan), so I thought I'd take a moment and point out how horrendous these uniforms look to me. It's embarrassing to be in the same conference as a program who would don such crap-tastic garb. Two quick things here. #1: Are you kidding me with those numbers? Were they done in freehand? #2: Purple Jersey + Purple Pants = Bottle of Grape Dimetapp. Next.

+ Neatest Tradition: The Trophies - Throughout the Big Ten, the trophies at stake in the illustrious rivalry games are better than anywhere else in the country. Teams play for a bronzed pig, an axe, a jug of water, a turtle, and a bucket in which old codgers used to spit tobacco. The trophies form a garden, and I can dig it.

// That's what we got to get you revved up for the CFB season. Now, on to the week 1 picks. Normally, I'll try and throw in a little blurb about why I made the picks the way I did, but I've been typing for a while now and you'll have to use your imagination this week. Home teams in ALL CAPS.

College Football Picks - Week of 8/30/08

* EAST CAROLINA (+9.5) over Virginia Tech *

* Southern Cal (-20) over VIRGINIA *

* Michigan State (+4.5) over CALIFORNIA *

* MISSOURI (-9.5) over Illinois *

* Lock of the Week: MICHIGAN (-3.5) over Utah *