Gooooooa-teeeeee!

// Those Tigers. Two things really stuck out in my mind as I was watching last night's 8-2 loss to the South Siders. First, the Tigers ended the season the same way they played throughout most of it: sorely lacking clutch hitting and employing an incredibly reliable bullpen. What? Reliable? Yes, reliable. The bullpen was reliable in that not one single Tigers fan ever felt safe with any lead at any point throughout - what I'm considering - the second most disappointing season by a Detroit team in my lifetime. In case you were wondering, I consider the Lions' 2005 season to be the most disappointing, if only because they showed so much promise in the 2nd half of '04. That season marked the end of my innocence as not only a Lions fan, but a sports honk in general. Anyways, I submit that this year's Tigers were almost as equally disappointing. Obviously, the $137.7 million payroll makes the sting a bit more potent. But that's not what hurts the most. The Tigers are Detroit's flagship team, more so than even the Lions or Red Wings (btw, methinks the Pistons are a distant 6th behind UofM and MSU football). The Detroit area had its hopes set so high for the Tigs, and therein lies the reason this season felt so much worse than just "highly-paid underacheivement". The Tigers turned in embarrassingly sub-par performances that we witnessed all season. Each one felt like the same kick in the stomach, which hurt even more when one considers the current state of everything non-sports related all over the metro area. The existence of sport, when broken down to its most basic function, is escapism. It's why Rome had the Colosseum. When there is great entertainment afoot, people don't pay as much mind to their real-world problems. The incredible buzz generated by off-season acquisitions and the (seemingly surefire) improvement of young stars was even further enhanced by Michigan's desire to lose itself in what they thought was to be an excellent team. Those aspirations were quickly dashed during the 2-10 start. Although the team had its little hot streaks from time to time, the writing was on the wall as early as mid-April. There would be no repeating 2006. I suppose there is only one thing in which to take solace: spring training begins in 5 months.

// I want to talk about TV for a bit. Some time ago, I railed pretty hard against Entourage. In my mind, the show had become stagnant and bland. After watching the first 4 episodes of Season 5, I'm very pleased to report that this is generally no longer the case. The way I see it: three very good episodes, and one that was pretty bad. Given the current amount of absolute garbage on television, I'll take a .750 hitter any day. They've corrected some huge mistakes, chief among them being the cohesiveness of the storylines. In seasons 3 & 4, it seemed like every episode hopped and skipped to something that had nothing to do with the one previous, like the show itself had incurred dissociative identity disorder. This season, it looks like we have 2 or maybe 3 nice, season-long story arcs. The writing has improved as well, and that in turn is making the actors seem much less ridiculous. Kudos to Doug Ellin and his band of merry men for giving us a watchable show again. Turning to a show that has yet to hiccup, The Office season premier was outstanding. If you haven't seen it, get on Hulu and hammer it out. Top notch stuff.

// In this life, there are sometimes things that are both incredibly self-explanatory and incredibly nonsensical simultaneously. Ladies and gentlemen, collectible vinyl babies dressed up as M&M's. I can only imagine the people who buy these things.

// I saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall. The short review: it was good. It was a very entertaining movie with a good mix of screwball comedy and slapstick comedy set against a decent enough romantic backdrop. I liked it and have recommended it to several people who haven't yet had the pleasure. That said, three effing discs? Forrest Gump didn't merit three discs. I think they fit Band of Brothers on less than three discs. For the life of me, I can't begin to fathom what they could be blathering on about for three discs. What do they have, 6 different commentaries? Come on.

// Americans Search for "Wizards", "Cupcakes", and "Sex Toys" More Often Than "Financial Crisis". This is oooouuuuurrrr country. BTW, who just types in "cupcakes"? Are their people out there who are that into cupcakes that they'll just take whatever general information there is? I could maybe understand typing "cupcake recipes", although I still can't imagine that often. Seriously, what gives?

// I like when someone does/says something really, really stupid or ill-contrived and then makes a sincere and genuine apology for it. I like seeing redemption. We all make mistakes, right? Right. So in a case in which the offending party is sincere and not just paying lip service, I feel they deserve forgiveness. Josh Howard, a forward on the Mavericks, made some very disparaging remarks about the Star-Spangled Banner and the US in general some time ago. Basically, he said he didn't celebrate the song because he's black. Many people took that as an implication that he doesn't care for the country because he feels it doesn't care for him, despite his hefty salary and the lifestyle it affords him. On Monday, Howard made his mea culpa during the Mavs' media day.

"I apologize to everybody I've offended," the 6-7 forward said. "I'm upset with myself and the way I've acted. It was just me joking around. I just wasn't using my head. I learned that words really do hurt and you are held accountable for what you said. I went to military school. I have friends that serve in the military. I know how it is to wake up and salute the flag. In the national anthem every game, I have my hand over my heart. It was just me not thinking."

You can peep the video if you want to see his demeanor. Personally, I believe he's being honest and he truly regrets his mistake. More often than not, I feel the public apologies given by athletes/celebrities/politicians are not true apologies, they're just acknowledgments of guilt. My mom used to call me on this when I wasn't truly sorry for one of my (countless) transgressions. She used the ubiquitous go-to line, "You're not sorry, you're just sorry you got caught." I think Josh Howard's sincerity deserves notice.

// The New Penny. Good gravy, why on Earth are they putting out special edition pennies? For crying out loud! Pennies! Nobody even likes pennies! I've said this non-bloggingly many times to anyone who would listen, but I'll say it again. Congress should enact a law that requires all non-electronic transactions to be adjusted in price so the final cost with tax included ends in a multiple of five cents. It just makes sense. I'm seeing Obama speak up here on Thursday. Maybe if I put on my Groucho Marx glasses I can get close enough to lay this whole thing out for him. One can only hope.

// Obligatory Star Wars Related Link: Lightsaber Chopsticks. They're exactly what they sound like.

// MAYBE NSFW. Lastly, dig this video. It looks like a ruse, right? Wrong. I know! The video just looks like a poor attempt at humor, but it's legitimate. Like the salad said to the soup, "I'm all mixed up!" (note: I stole that line from the season premier of The Simpsons, specifically Flanders)



// Ta-ta for now, party people.

Looking For Something To Do?

// Website of note: Last.fm I have been using this website constantly since I found it. If your iPod needs a kick of fresh music then this site is for you. It basically streams free music, and when I say music, I mean every single possible song that you could think of. This alone makes it a great website, but the tool that you can download has changed my life. Once you download the software you can connect it to your iTunes. Once you play a song in iTunes all the info for the artist pops up along with a recommendation list. After you play about 20 songs you can go into the program and it will start streaming live music of what it thinks you would like, based on what you've been playing in your iTunes. It's like the greatest radio station ever. I've already downloaded about 80 songs since using this that I've either never heard of before or just didn't know the name of it. Highly recommended.

// Another website of note: thesmartass.info Stupid name, pretty good website. Actually the website kind of sucks, but they make up for it by making it possible to play old school Nintendo games and Sega Genisis games. Lots of hours of my life have already been wasted because of this.

// They just don't make tv shows like they used to. This is a clip from Magnum P.I., what's important to realize is that this show was on the air for like the entire 80's. THIS ACTUALLY PASSED AS GOOD TV.

Great "oops" delivery.

College Picks Week 5 et al.

// Before we get to the picks, I'd like to share one of the many beefs I have with ESPN: that gosh damn ticker. In theory, the ticker they fire at the bottom of the telly is a nice feature. When they came up with the idea, the thought probably was, "Yeah, we'll just go through scores and the significant stats rapid-fire. That way, people will get the information on their team without having to sit through the whole show." That line of thought might've been met with some initial hesitation. After all, don't the ESPN honchos want you to watch more and more? It doesn't matter, I guess. Here's my problem with the ticker: it's like a salesman at a place like Home Depot. By that I mean there's never one around when you actually need assistance with something, but if you're just browsing (my father can do this for hours and I've unfortunately been in tow for a couple rounds), their are salesman on you like starving men on a Christmas ham. Such is the case with the ticker. If the only score I wanna see is the Tigers-Indians, I feel like it never comes up in less than 20 minutes. Vice-versa: if I'm watching SportsCenter in a casual manner - just peeping the day in sports - I feel like the ticker ruins my enjoyment. This happened this morning: I was watching SC and they led with last night's Mets-Cubs game. I'd watched the game up until the middle of the tenth inning, but I chose to switch off to see the movie Talk to Me on HBO. By the way, that was one of the best movies I've seen in a while. Dynamite acting, funny, moving, good message; the movie had a lot. Getting back to the story, the point is this: I didn't see the end of the game, nor did I pursue a box score when I woke up this morning. ESPN was breaking it to me for the first time. Much to my chagrin, the ending of the game - and the idea of the highlights telling me the story - was ruined because the effing ticker showed the final score of the game well before they'd even gotten to the extra-innings highlights. In the four-bedroom brownstone I like to call "Why I Despise ESPN", the ticker is like a breakfast nook. It makes me want to rip the hair out of my head.

// How about some picks? Hit it! Week of 9/27/08. Home teams in ALL CAPS.

+ Northwestern (+8.5) over IOWA -- My thinking on this one comes down to two basic ideas. 1) This figures to be a VERY low-scoring game. Iowa has displayed a fine defense thus far and is likely to at least slow down 'Stream favorite Tyrell Sutton and his 6.1 YPC. On the flip side of the ball, I don't think it matters if NW's defense is good or bad; Iowa's offense has been anemic at best (93rd nationally), and they're currently considering three different QBs. This is not a recipe for a scoreboard bonanza. 2) If I was picking this game straight up, I'd still have to give it some thought. I would eventually go with Iowa, but it'd take some time to reach that conclusion. Given that, I think 8.5 points is too much for the Hawkeyes to lay. One day I'll break down how Kirk Ferentz slowly became a victim of his own success.

+ FLORIDA (-22.5) over Ole Miss -- I almost made this my lock of the week (below) until I saw a more tantalizing line. Still, this seems pretty close to a lock. Ole Miss has been giving up almost 22 points a game, and to foes not nearly of the same caliber as Tebow and the Gators. Meanwhile, Florida's defense - much maligned a year ago - has been murdering opposing offenses. Statistically it's the best defense in the SEC and top 10 nationally. Urban Meyer is also a smart guy. He knows that the more he gets the reputation of highlighting his marquee individuals (Tebow), the better it will serve his recruiting in the long run. That's why he feeds Tebow so often, especially in-conference. This has the makings of a blowout. It's best not to make the equation too complicated, so here's what I got: Florida will score at least somewhere in the 35-38 range, and I don't think they give up more than a touchdown to the Rebels. Math.

+ OHIO STATE (-18) over Minnesota -- Terrelle Pryor had some really deft touch on some of those passes last week, didn't he? If all the surrounding hype about him turns out to be warranted, Ohio State's domination of the Big Ten will continue unabated. I hope this isn't the case, but he's yet to do anything that raises doubt. In the case of this fracas, I think the backfield combination the country's been waiting to see (him with Chris Wells) will do what's expected. Namely, score and score and score. Minnesota's getting better, but they're still a long way from staying close with the Buckeyes. At home. In the Big Ten opener. Looking to quell all who doubt their superiority in the Midwest. Eighteen is a pretty big line, but don't let the USC game fool you. USC is a different class of team than pretty much everybody right now. The Buckeyes are still a good team. Way too good for the Gophers.

+ Southern Cal (-26.5) over OREGON STATE -- In my preseason preview, I said USC wouldn't win a conference game by less than 14 points. I meant they'd win that much over the decent Pac-10 teams like Arizone State or Cal. The Beavers from Corvallis are not on the same tier as ASU or Cal, and I think the margin of victory in this game will reflect that. The Trojans are clicking on all cylinders right now, and there are a couple other things working in their favor. They're playing with an extra week of rest while Oregon State is playing with a short week. It's a nationally televised night game, and Pete Carroll's squads do the best when the light is brightest. Lastly, they have a psych edge: their last trip to Corvallis went awry, as the Trojans were ranked #3 and riding a 38-game regular season win streak. The Beavers upset them. Don't underestimate the vengeance factor. Fight on.

+ Lock of the Week: Wisconsin (-6.5) over MICHIGAN -- True story: I actually did a Looney Tunes-esque double take when I saw this line at 6.5. Wisconsin has a very fine football team; don't sleep on that win over Fresno State out in Cali. That was an outstanding win. Against a quality opponent. Far away from home. At night. Not many squads have the moxie for that. Michigan, on the other hand, has been disappointing so far, and that's saying something when you consider the expectations weren't very high to begin with. The one thing the Wolverines could always seem to count on - as long as I can even remember - was quality play from the offensive line. It seems the graduations and defections have taken their toll. Dig this as well: Wisconsin has a very good defense, and Michigan's personnel is a terrible fit for the offense they're running. I'll be flummoxed, nay, flabbergasted if the Maize & Blue can keep this within 10. (Side note: I've made it a policy to never ever ever pick against UofM, because I've always thought as soon as I do I'll end up eating my words. Finally picking against them after all these years feels strange, but I guess I'm taking that as a sign of how confident I am that the Badgers will cover.)

+ Just For My Personal Edification: Michigan State (-8.5) over INDIANA -- I'm not super-serious about this one. State looked very good last week, especially the D-line. Them being able to get pressure from just the front 4 was - to me - the biggest factor in the game. Kellen Lewis, the Hoosier QB, is definitely more mobile than Jimmy Clausen. However, this might make him more susceptible to blitzes from corners and safeties as he tries to scramble away from pressure, especially when IU's leading receiver has 14 catches on the year. Peep this as well: last week, IU gave up 166 yards on 29 carries and 4 touchdowns to MiQuale Lewis (glorious name, btw) of Ball State. I feel like Dantonio will feed Javon Ringer around 30 times; much less than his per-game average so far this year but still allowing him 170 yards and 3 scores. Given all that, I'd be remiss if I failed to mention that Michigan State is THE #1 BEST TEAM IN THE COUNTRY at crapping out huge let-down games after wins over rivals. Still, I'm taking the Spartans. I might be biased. Go Green!

+ So Far This Season: 6-3-1, Lock of the Week: 1-1

Your Week: So Far, Soooo Good!

// First, the obvious: in terms of events that weren't on the actual field of play, this has been the best Detroit sports day of my young life. Matt Millen - long-time Wile E. Coyote to the rest of the NFL's Road Runner - was finally ess-canned today after spending the better part of a decade as a saboteur GM for my beloved Lions. Just when I thought the day couldn't get any better, Todd Jones announced his retirement via his Sporting News column (more on that below)! When's the last time a major sports city got rid of its two most maddening characters in the same day? This might be unprecedented.

// With regard to Millen (bow your head and raise one hand to the heavens). His legacy will clearly be a near-random run of personnel gaffes and PR miscues, but how will his poor reputation stand up to the test of time? In terms of modern-day sports executives, there's no question he's on the Mount Rushmore of Fecal-Quality Management. The question becomes: does he rank #1 in badness? It's hard to say. Detroiters have a bias because they remember the halfway decent Lions that graced the gridiron right before Millen. There are certainly challengers to Matty's throne of embarassment. Isiah Thomas (who's middle name is Lord, a fact that gets swept under the rug too often) definitely gives Millen a run for his money. The tandem of Rod Graves & Bill Bidwill has been very Millen-esque in Arizona. Former Detroit Tiger GM Randy Smith was also top-tier terrible. I suppose time will tell to what degree of horrible Millen's tenure will ultimately be remembered as. My friends, it's not yet the time for recollection. Now is a time to rejoice! Sing the good news from a mountain(!!!): the Lions might get back to 9-7 in only a couple years!

// I'm less excited about this next one. Jonesy. Hot Toddy. Roller Coaster. He was known by several different names, but his body of work would never be mistaken for anyone else's. In the last 3 years, Todd Jones has made me use almost as many obscenities as the big toe on my left foot, which I stub against my bed so often I'm beginning to think it's magnetic. As the closer of the Tigs, his ERA has hovered around 4.50 since the 2006 season. Think about what that means. Way more often than not, he's pitching one inning of ball. If his ERA is around 4.50, it can be construed that every single time he comes in, there's a 50% chance he'll give up a run. It was despicable. While he did rack up 75 saves between '06 and '07, the two words I would least use to describe him were "effective" and "consistent". He was only effective in boosting the other team's confidence. He was only consistent in helping FSN Detroit keep their audience even if the game was a blowout. That said, he was - in a very strange way - extremely likable. Maybe it was his southern heritage and the inherent "aw shucks" quality. Maybe it was the glory of that handlebar moustache. Maybe it was the time I heard him call into 1270 WXYT with a nice buzz going. Whatever the case might've been, I feel like Jonesy's departure is bittersweet. Yeah, he sucked at closing games, and that's not a good quality to have as a closer. But he was our guy, a true Tiger. I'll probably miss him next year when Fernando Rodney is even worse.

// Quick TV note before some links. I watched Heroes for the first time the other night. My company: my roommate (maybe the best person to watch TV with ever) and his girlfriend (longtime Heroes fan, serving as our de facto tour guide). Despite somewhat sluggish ratings, the show is still pretty popular. The weird thing for me is I can't name 5 people I know that are into it. About 10 minutes into my first Heroes experience, I found out why this is. There cannot be a more asinine show on TV. Before you think, "Well, you just don't know the storylines.", let me break it down. There's a little Asian fellow who's name is Hiro. By the way, congratulations to the writers on being clever. That must be awesome. Anyway, Hiro's power is twofold: not only can he freeze time (essentially giving him the ability to teleport), but he can also travel back and forth in time to the tune of thousands of years. My first time catching up with Hiro (who is on the show Heroes, hilarious!) saw him chasing a thief with super-speed. Her power was pretty intense; she had speed that looked like The Flash or someone of the same ilk. So, super-speed blond girl ganked something from Hiro, I forget what. Hiro uses his time-traveling ability and his time-stopping ability at the same time (nice) so he can see who this mystery speedster is. Without any explanation before or any subsequent explanation thereafter, the blond super-speed thief woman un-freezes and begins talking to Hiro. After a brief exchange, she punched Hiro right in the nose (a moment that made me smile after I realized how much I dislike Hiro). Hiro, his nose just bloodied, stays on the ground dumbfounded and looking like he just farted in a meeting or something. I wanted to give him a memo, but I didn't have a pen or paper, so I had to yell, "GO BACK IN EFFING TIME AND DODGE THE EFFING PUNCH! YOU CAN TRAVEL THROUGH TIME AND FREEZE TIME IN PLACE! YOU CAN RULE THE WORLD WITH VERY LITTLE EFFORT!" The storylines of Heroes - which raise more questions than a Shawn Kemp pregnancy - aren't the only thing keeping this show from being even respectable. The dialog between the characters is very post-1995 George Lucas. By that, I mean that the characters say a lot of things that are unnecessary and/or said in a way that's totally unreflective of how people actually talk. Bottom line: if you're not watching Heroes, don't worry about it. If you are watching Heroes, you need to reexamine some things.

// I was watching college football highlights on Sunday morning. During the recap of East Carolina versus N.C. State, a game that turned out to be ECU's first loss, there was a shot of a kid holding a sign that said ECU Streak Pauses Now. You can't pause a streak, idiot. Streaks end.

// I really hate bad commercials and/or marketing, and I make that known often. Flip that coin, playa. I love seeing a piece of good/clever marketing. Case in point. Gotta watch the whole video.

// America: The Gift Shop. I would probably buy some of these. I got a weird feeling after browsing that. Like, "Gosh, I really can't wait for our country to be good again."

// I had this article saved for a while and I actually forgot about it. I don't say this about many things: highly recommended. Entertaining AND thought-provoking. Thoughts like, "should I move out of the country?" Dig it: Remember ICP? It turns out they're still around. In fact, they have a borderline-religious following of "Juggalos" that have a massive festival to pay homage. I always associated ICP with the kids in middle school who wore JNCO jeans and had that haircut where most of the head was buzzed real tight, save for the super-long, half-inch wide strip on the top. Ahhh.... good times. Seriously, good article.

// I'm definitely not the most efficient person in the world, and I've never claimed to be. I waste an absolutely gargantuan amount of time doing "nothing". Let me clear up what I mean by "nothing". It's not "nothing" in the sense that I stand still in the middle of my bedroom for a couple of hours. Rather, "nothing" refers to the total amount of enjoyment and/or benefit I accrue from my various time-wasting activities. It's good to know I'm not alone.

... And Your Boy Kelllllsss

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

// Season 5 of The Office starts next week, and in honor of that: Every single 'that's what she said' jokes from the show.

// The first time I watched this video I gave it a laugh. But on a second take, I realized that I feel like sending him one of these emails. I just saw Semi-Pro for the first time a couple of weeks ago, and watching it I felt like I've already seen it 10 times. He really needs to stop being Ron Burgandy in every single movie that he does.

// Take a look at this picture of Amy Winehouse and I guarantee a "Jesus Christ" will come out of your mouth. Honestly how is she not dead yet.

// See how I did that? Titling the post "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" ^3 things that apply to this. Yeah, suck it.

Week 4 College Picks et al.

// I wanted to start off with this picture and this song if only because they set the tone equally for a brief glossing of national politics and the kick-ass nature of college and its football.

// Soooo much stuff has happened since I last posted. By the way, sincere apologies for not getting picks in on time last week. If my record is any indication, me not putting my two cents in can only help the internet community at large. The lesson, as always: don't gamble unless you're good at it. So far this season - on games I actually put sheckles on - I'm down $180. That's not the number you're hoping for when you're newly unemployed (yes, I quit working at a golf course because I'm stupid) and spend 30 dollars a week on smokables. Eff it. Like I said, so much has happened. The Federal Reserve looks like it's hell-bent on becoming incorporated (and eventually going bankrupt), the Presidential race mud-slinging has kicked up a notch, and my Lions have set a new NFL record for "earliest point in the season in which fans watching on TV launch into obscenity-laced tirades even when nothing particularly bad is happening". The biggest news we've yet to hit on, however, is the suddenly prolific exposure of Sarah Palin. I don't want to drag on too long because I have some good thoughts on this week's NCAA games, but dig this: her impact on McCain's candidacy is summed up with the tried and true phrase "no press is bad press". I love that saying, especially for its dichotomous nature. First, take it as such: any news said about something is - at least primarily - beneficial to that subject. McCain's campaign was stagnant and boring in nature when compared to the dynamic Obama, at least until Palin signed up. Her nomination as Vice-Preezy gobbles up massive amounts of headlines. In this race, the publicity she brings - even if the topic is as uncouth as a knocked up Jonas Brothers fan - is great for the GOP's profile on the whole. Secondly, "no press is bad press" can be construed into a line of reasoning that, while somewhat circular, leads to a different point. McCain could've chosen a VP that he thought was actually right for the job (and if anyone thinks he thought Sarah Palin was the absolute correct choice, tell them not to have kids), but that wouldn't have grabbed much attention. He would've been stuck with "no news". Not having news about you is bad news. See what I did there? I'm a wordsmith. Like a blacksmith, but white. And using words instead of hammers.

// Let's get to the picks. Week of 9/20/08. Home Teams in ALL CAPS.

+ Lock of the Week: PENN STATE (-29) over Temple -- Yeah, 29 points is an utterly insane spread. That number should scare some people away, perhaps rightfully so. Here's why I think Penn State wins by more than four touchies: Penn State has faced Coastal Carolina, Oregon State, and Syracuse. Granted, none of those teams are any good, but the Nittanies still beat them collectively 166-37. That's an average of 55.3-12.3. Plus, even though the three aforementioned teams are bad, none of them are nearly as bad as Temple, save for Coastal Carolina, and that might be a push. PSU's new "Spread HD" offense (by the way, I put it in quotes because I have no idea what it means or how it works, like I would put "Velcro" in quotes) ranks 8th nationally with a very balanced attack (819 pass yards, 789 rush yards). Throw in JoePa's subconscious desire to embarass a school that dares to play football in the same state that he does, and you have the ingredients of what we in the (very) amateur prognostication biz call "football rape". Next.

+ Florida (-7.5) over TENNESSEE -- It might be dangerous picking against a home dog in the SEC, but I'm a risk taker. I take risk. Anyway, my theory on these two teams has less to do with what I've seen so far on the field (read: very little) and more to do with the dynamics of their relationship. Florida used to dominate throughout the 90s. First with Spurrier's elite squads of the early years and then they feasted on Peyton Manning's address in Choke City. After Tee Martin (who?) broke through that barrier and Ron Zook took the reins in Gainesville, the momentum shifted drastically save for a few upsets. Urban Meyer is the Jim Tressel to Phil Fulmer's Lloyd Carr. If you want to make Meyer into Lloyd Carr - and who wouldn't? - try this on: Meyer = Carr and Fulmer = Cooper. I feel like the whole "one coaching completely owning the other" is a trend that never gets enough credit. Oh yeah, Florida has much better football players, save for UT's Eric Berry, a boner-inducing safety cut from the same cloth as Polamalu, Dawkins, Lynch and Sharper. He might be faster.

+ Virginia Tech (+3) over NORTH CAROLINA -- Remember Boston College last season? They came (a little bit) out of nowhere and ran through their first 8 games unblemished? Florida State came up to Beantown in November and handled Matt Ryan & Co. The lesson: a conference's historically better, old warhorses have a mental edge over their upstart counterparts. UNC is much improved, and that was expected with the arrival of well above-average recruiting man Butch Davis (who I kind of wanted for MSU). They looked great last Thursday in pillaging Rutgers in Piscataway. Perhaps too great? I think they fall back to Earth as Frank Beamer and the Hokies maintain their status quo.

+ PURDUE (-10.5) over Central Michigan -- I hate to do this to my CMU cronies, but when it comes to picking football games against the spread, you have to leave emotion out of the equation. It's exactly like having intercourse, only less embarassing if you do it wrong. Purdue won last year in the Motor City Bowl by 3. First, I don't think Central is as good this year as they were last year. Still a good team, maybe the 2nd best team in the state, but not as hungry or deep 2 years removed from Brian Kelly. Second, I think Purdue is better than they were last year (they lost at home to MSU? What?). The program's been stagnating for too long and Joe Tiller is too good a coach to not coax 9 or 10 wins out of the Boilers. Combine those two theories and add in the fact that this tilt will be at Ross-Ade and not a Chippewa-heavy Ford Field, and I like Purdue to cover. Barely.

+ MICHIGAN STATE (-9) over Notre Dame -- To be completely honest, I can't even decide if this is a homer pick or not. I saw the Michigan-ND game last week, and I saw Michigan's game the week before. Michigan - admittedly a very mediocre team this year - is not nearly as bad as they were last week. They made Notre Dame look better than they are. The score will tend to be lopsided when one team commits 26 turnovers. Notre Dame also had the psych edge from getting their asses handed to them by UM the previous season, so the vengeance factor was in full effect. That being said, 2008 Notre Dame isn't 2007 Notre Dame. They are better, and this game will be better than last year's MSU-ND game, which State won by 17 - a score not entirely indicative of the domination. I don't think Dantonio's squad will make the unforced errors that Michigan did. Hence, ND won't be able to make b.s. 20-yard touchdown drives. The factor that pushes MSU into a 17 or 20 point victory: harnessed rage stemming from the 2006 game, the final 4th-quarter nosedive in the abortion of a career of John L. Smith. After the '06 game, I put on my 1952 National Championship season MSU helmet, went down to Spartan Spirit liquor store and spent my last $20 on a fifth of JD, went to the adjacent alley in the pouring rain, and split the booze with a bum for the better part of an hour. Not this time, Charlie Tuna. Booze, yes. Bum, no. Go Green.

+ So Far This Season: 3-2, Lock of the Week: 0-1

Around the Net

// This is an example of why you don’t post a nice picture of you and your dad when you were 7 and ask people to use photoshop to make it look better.

// The Wicker Man might be the greatest movie that I have never seen, just take a look at these highlights from the movie.

// A friend of mine recently called a pop, soda. I gave him a how dare you and asked him what his problem was. He had been living in Pennsylvania for a while and blamed the error on this. A fist fight ensued after I said there was no way they call pop soda in Pennsylvania. A week later he sent me this. We're still friends.

// A list of the top 10 trailer recuts. I'm going to have nightmares about the Mary Poppins ones.

// Now and then my friends and I make white people translations for rap songs. A little nerdy? Yup. But still fun. However, the guys that made this video take it to another level that I don't think we could of ever reached.

NFL Quick-Hit Preview & Week 1 Picks

// Who's got one and a half thumbs, was recently involved in horseplay around a bandsaw, and didn't plan ahead for his NFL preview? This guy! Before we get started, psych! about the half-thumb. I have both full thumbs intact. My apologies to those without the double full thumb. Tough cut. Enough nonsense, let's hit the divisions rapid-fire before I give my picks. I wanted to do a full preview and then set up the picks in a separate post, but like I said: there wasn't any planning ahead. Fair warning: this is more about the week's picks than the divisional predictions. Also, the NFL doesn't nearly give me (or most people I know) the chubby that college football does. Being a lifelong fan of the Lions will do that to you.

AFC North - At the end of last season - possibly due to the Steelers being defeated at home by the Jags in the playoffs - people were very high on the Browns as a possible division crown usurper. The Browns had a bad preseason and people are naturally souring on their chances. Not this guy. Pittsburgh is still a playoff team, but I think this is the year the Browns finally get to the playoffs and win a division title. The Bengals should hover around .500, and the Ravens should get excited for a top 5 draft pick in 2009.

AFC South - The Colts aren't the no-brainer to win the division they used to be; the Jaguars have closed that gap to an infinitesimal amount. Nevertheless, Indy is the pick to win, with the Jaguars getting the AFC's second wild-card spot. Keep an eye on Houston and Tennessee; they're both improving with each passing season. They're not quite there yet. Dig it.

AFC East - The easiest pick of them all: Pats win the division, and I don't think they do worse than 15-1. The Jets are an intriguing team (and possible wild-card team), Buffalo is a hot team among pundits, and the Dolphins are a near-certainty to have an improved record, but this division is like a kid who had to repeat 4th grade twice trying out for 7th grade basketball.

AFC West - Conventional wisdom says the Chargers win but maaaaaaaybe the Broncos can make a run, and I'm inclined to agree. The Raiders and the Chiefs are still undergoing massive rebuilding efforts. I couldn't possible care less. Side note: I sincerely hope that Shawne Merriman doesn't eff up his career by playing on his bum knee. He is truly a joy to watch when he's (legitimately) terrorizing O-linemen and lead-footed QBs. Stay healthy, Lights Out.

NFC North - I'm actually beginning to eat the Leo's cornbread to the tune of believing in 8-8. I'm like a victim of Stockholm Syndrome. Truthfully, count me amongst the Aaron Rodgers honks. I think the Vikes win the division but the Packers get a wild-card spot. I find that a lot of people overlook the fact that the Packers and Vikings defenses are totally top-notch. The Bears can be broken down like this: them not drafting a QB at any point in the last 3 or 4 drafts is like having a broken leg and insisting on doing the breaststroke 3 times a day, then wondering why the leg doesn't heal. Beyond idiotic.

NFC South - People are getting behind the Saints emotionally again, partly due to Señor Gustav, but I'm not totally sold yet. This is perhaps the hardest division to predict. The Falcons are obviously terrible, but the Saints, Bucs, and Panthers all have legitimate shots to win. I guess I don't have the sand to take a flyer on Tampa Bay or Carolina. Saints it is. I like Vilma.

NFC East - Top to bottom, the NFC East looks to be the best division going into this season. Based on the MASSIVE amount of talent they've accrued (and don't rule out a trade for Anquan Boldin), the Cowboys are a solid favorite to win the division. I think the second wild-card team comes out of this division as well, but it might not be who you think: the Redskins. I have - for no discernible reason - good faith in Jason Campbell. At every other position (especially in the trenches), the 'Skins are solid. Put 'em in.

NFC West - The NFL's version of the ACC. I can't convey how many things I'd rather do than think about this division. Let's make it short and sweet: Seahawks win the division, and every other team finishes no better than 8-8.

Wild Card Round

Jags over Chargers

Browns over Steelers

Packers over Seahawks (again)

Saints over Redskins

Divisional Round

Jaguars over Colts

Pats over Browns

Vikings over Packers

Cowboys over Saints

Conference Championships

Pats over Jaguars

Cowboys over Vikings

Super Bowl XLIII

Pats over Cowboys

// I know, it's a big risk taking the Pats. My middle name is Danger George. If you don't like it, feel free to send me an email. Let's move on. The lines are courtesy of CentSports.com. Home teams are in ALL CAPS. Without further ado, it's pick time...

NFL Picks - Week of 9/7/08

* Redskins (+4.5) over GIANTS *

* Texans (+7) over STEELERS *

* Rams (+7.5) over EAGLES *

* SAINTS (-3.5) over BUCS *

* BILLS (-1) over SEAHAWKS *

* Lions (-3) over FALCONS *

* Jets (-3) over DOLPHINS *

* RAVENS (+2) over Bengals *

* PATRIOTS (-17) over Chiefs *

* Jaguars (-3) over TITANS *

* 49ERS (+2.5) over Cardinals *

* CHARGERS (-9) over Panthers *

* Cowboys (-6) over BROWNS *

* COLTS (-10) over Bears *

* Vikings (+2.5) over PACKERS *

* Broncos (-3) over RAIDERS *

// College picks tomorrow. Malted hops tonight. Choice.