Lukewarm Topics

// There are a lot of things that make people unique. That's a fact, and it's pretty much the definition of unique. Gender, race, height, weight, personality, values held; these are all broad terms that can be broken down further (and further and further) until eventually you can map out exactly who a person is, albeit still with a tone of generality. One of my personality quirks was brought to my attention a couple of years ago by my associate Dr. Schroed. Schroed and I had - at this point - known each other for some years and he was comfortable enough around me to bring up this Hone-ity without fear of me being offended or any similar repercussion. He said to me on one of our innumerable listless post-4-on-4 basketball Saturday afternoons, "Hone, you like to judge people's names." Immediately, I realized he was right. It had never been brought up to me before, but I quickly realized it to be true. Schroed's cup had runneth over with examples in which I'd hear a person's name and respond with a seemingly limitless arsenal of high-brow, well thought out comments like, "That name is stupid..." or "Awesome name." My initial reaction was to reel in this behavior. After all, who am I to judge names?... Then I thought about it some more. No one else I'd met at that point judged names. I was sailing in uncharted waters, and I was having a good time doing it. I felt like the act of judging names was a new continent and I was the first explorer to reach the shore, if only in my personal circle of co-conspirators. Sticking with that analogy, I decided to plant my flag down and claim the name-judging continent for my own sweet self. In case you were wondering, there is a reason for this perhaps-too-lengthy exposition. I was wandering aimlessly with my thoughts the other day and one of the stops on my mind-train was Disney movies. I can't remember exactly how I came to be on that track, but I think it had something to do with me seeing an ad for the Broadway adaptation of The Little Mermaid. The mind quickly surmised the gem, "Ariel. That's a dumb name." Just like that, I knew I had the beginnings to a 'Stream post on my hands. Don't look now, but I just revealed how insanely easy it is to write a below-average blog. Anyways, I'll now unveil the most anticipated item yet in the young life of this increasingly soft-headed venture: Good and Bad Disney Princess Names. (cue the alternating beat of the tympani drum).
1) As was previously mentioned, Ariel is a dumb name. It's bad not only in a general context, but also as a device in the maritime story. First, Ariel is androgynous. What do you think the full name is of Ari from Entourage? I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention this fellow who - and this is purely speculative - might've been an advocate for genocide. Gender-bender issues aside, the name also sounds stupid in a movie that takes place predominantly underwater. Ariel is a homophone for aerial. She's a half sexy woman, half sexy fish. Why would you name her something that reminds us of flight? C'mon, Disney. Think.
2) Let's move on to Jasmine, the Arabic princess who went slumming and found true love. I love that name. It has a hint of stripper in it, but that's not making me shy away. You want to have a little stripper in your name, just not too much. That kind of thing can be easy to overdo. It bears mentioning as well that Jasmine lends itself to a great nickname that can be used in colloquial situations: Jazzy. That sounds pretty good.
3) Belle. Meh. It's not a terrible name, but it's not doing a lot for you, right? Based on absolutely no research and only very little logic in general, I'm inclined to think that the name Belle is derived an actual bell, which is almost ridiculous beyond words. If you put a gun to my head I'd say that yes, a bell is a decent object relative to all other objects ever conceived, but what is that really? It makes just as much sense to name your bestiality-curious daughter Ladle or Plier. Plus, the first time you come across some clever people who don't give a dook if your feelings get hurt, your new nickname becomes Ball. Overall, I'd give it a C-.
4) What about Snow White? Again, this isn't terrible, but after the birth I'd make sure and move into a decidedly un-diverse school district. Between the racial undertones and the pale skin jokes that the name is just begging for, I'd consider naming her Amy or something in that genre.
5) In the case of Pocahontas, it's hard to argue with a name so well-known in a historical sense. I'll say this: if I was the chief or whatever of her tribe, I'd consult my shaman or my witch doctor or whatever kind of soothsayer I was employing and I'd ask this, "In the future, is there going to be a nearly globally-used language in which my daughter's name could be manipulated into some kind of sexual pun?" The clairvoyant employee would say, "Yeah, it'll be called English, and the word "poke" will be a euphemism for sex that will gain much popularity when a musician named Dr. Dre uses it in the song The Next Episode." Bam. Problem solved.
6) Lastly, let's touch on the non-human in the group, Nala from The Lion King. Can't be mad at that. First, it's the name of a lion. You shouldn't judge names of things that can eat you. That lesson's been learned far too many times. Also, I can dig on names with some African flavor. Almost all the names from that movie were at least catchy. Simba, Nala, Mufasa, Rafiki; they're fun to say and they're not hurting anybody. Sounds good.

// I have one pair of khaki shorts and one pair of dill corduroys (I only call them dill because that's what it said in the catalog, I know it's dumb) that have that little pocket inside the pocket apparatus. I can't stress enough how awesome it is to have that feature. The second pocket is perfectly sized for two things: a pack of smokes or an iPhone. I assume Barack Obama is reading this, so I'll say the following: let's help our lawmakers reach across the aisle, embrace a bipartisan agenda, and work hard on passing legislation that would require all pants to feautre the tiny flap (henceforth called "second pocket") in the right pocket. How annoying is it when you're walking and your phone is flopping around like a dying fish on coke? Put in that second pocket. It feels like you're a robot and all your life you've been walking around without all of your outer plating bolted down properly. Second pocket has changed my life for the better. Join the fight.

// There's another item to add to the ever-expanding list of "Why College Football is better than the NFL": the comebacks. I thought about this last week, but I was too busy to give the point its justice and articulate it the way I wanted. Remember two weeks ago when the Colts came back against the Texans? I'll concede it was a great comeback by the Colts. It showcased a lot of moxie and was fun to watch. The fly in the ointment lies in the fact that the Colts needed the Texans to eff up or their comeback wouldn't have been possible. I feel that more often than not, such is the case in the NFL. Big, BIG comebacks can't happen unless both teams are assisting. That's no good. Allow me to take you back to October 30th, 2004. I was spending a fine weekend in Ann Arbor with fellow 'Streamer Kev and formerly-frequent commenter Mig to take in the MSU/UofM football game. My Spartans held a 17-point midway through the 4th quarter. They'd absolutely dominated the game up to that point, but Drew Stanton had just been sidelined by LaMarr Woodley. Damon Dowdell had tried his best for nearly a quarter to give the game away, but State still clung to their sizable lead with a ridiculously effective running game (368 EFFING YARDS!!!!). Then, with around 7 minutes left in regulation, something happened. Michigan - more specifically, Braylon Edwards - turned into Spiderman. I don't want to relive the details, suffice it to say the Wolverines pulled out the victory and sent me into a tear-soaked, Charlie Sheen in Platoon-like breakdown. Despite my obvious distaste for the results, I maintain to this day that it was the best football game I've ever seen in person. The reason? The manic pace and the... wait for it... the purity of the comeback. The more I look back on it, State didn't do anything to eff up. They played their second-best game of the season that night (they beat 9-0 Wisconsin two weeks later). Michigan, mostly Edwards, just earned it that much more. Chad Henne would drop back, close his eyes, and uncork a deep one in Braylon's general vicinity. It seemed like 8 different times; Braylon just went up and got it over Jaren Hayes. When even the incredibly bitter defeated party can admit the greatness of an opponent and offer a tip of the cap, that's a football game worth getting emotional over. You don't get those type of quality, no-BS comebacks in the NFL.

// Quick link. Never-Say-Neverisms. I like this kind of stuff.

// See you at week's end with picks. Au revoir.