The World: Still Running Without Me

I could take the liar approach (usual go-to) and say that I was busy during finals week. I could go on and on about how the week off between spring semester and summer semester was "me time", but I won't. I'm going to take the moral high road and lay it all out there, even if by doing so my social reputation gets kicked in the crotch. Ah... who are we kidding? My social reputation already mimics the weird 35-year-old guy with no kids who hangs out in the parking lot after high school basketball games. Here it is: I've been a shut-in the last two weeks for one reason: Grand Theft Auto IV. If you haven't heard, seen, or read about this video game, you're probably a shut-in yourself, albeit for very different and more uncouth reasons. Simply put, it's the best video game I've ever played. The entire GTA series was lost on me until my buddy Schroed let me borrow San Andreas. Since then, I've been anxiously awaiting its debut on the next-gen systems (a PS3 for me, suck it Brian). The story line is incredible. The control is nearly flawless. The newly-overhauled Liberty City environment in unparalleled in its depth and detail. I've been playing constantly and am still only about 65% done with the story missions. It's gotten to the point where the joy of controlling little Niko (main character) - and literally doing anything you want in his faux New York - is gradually losing ground to the "bummerosity" I'll feel when I've completed the game.

So this blog entry for me is cathartic. For all the GTA fans, let's speculate on the next city Rockstar will choose for the setting of their next $60 addiction. Brief recap: they've already set games in their equivalents of New York (Liberty City), Miami (Vice City), L.A. (San Andreas), San Francisco (San Fierro), and Las Vegas (Las Venturas). What are the other possiblities? What are the particular advantages/disadvantages these fake cities could hold? What would Rockstar choose as the fake name? Let's explore:

// Chicago: An obvious choice as it's the most populous U.S. city Rockstar hasn't covered yet. I don't think it would work as a present-day Chicago, though. It's too similar to Liberty City and I don't feel like there's a whole lot of personality there. Going in a different direction, Prohibition Era Chicago would be reeeeeeal greasy. I'm gonna pat myself on the back for a good idea.

Fake Name Pick: Lakeview

// Hong Kong: I'd say Tokyo but that's kind of banal, so Hong Kong is a better pick. A lot of people speak English there. There hasn't been an Asian protagonist yet in the GTA series. It's very near the bloated, over-the-top gambling mecca of Macau. There's a decent inherent danger that American gamers will feel. This might be my top pick.

Fake Name Pick: I can't think of anything that doesn't sound a little racist.

// Generic Future City: Sadly, this would deviate from the realism (maybe the neatest feature) of the previous titles. However, as my 5th grade teacher Mrs. Lowery would say, there are no bad ideas in a brainstorming session. The biggest plus is that the possibility exists for now-impossible weapons and transportation. Think more along the lines of Blade Runner or Coruscant from Star Wars. Basically, any future city that wasn't like I, Robot.

Fake Name Pick: Just call it "Grand Theft Auto 2059"

// Rio de Janeiro: They could make you go through a young man's life á la City of God (Kevin just got aroused). It'd be a cool/ballsy idea for them to do the whole thing in Portuguese and subtitle it all. There could also be an added element to the gameplay where the objectives switch from classic GTA "climb the criminal ladder" mode and a more raw, edgier "just avoid the random violence and stay alive" mode.

Fake Name Pick: Ciudad del Fuego

// Baltimore: This would be a challenge only because a storyline of an anti-hero conquering the streets of Baltimore would be ridiculous. There won't be any saviors in Baltimore. A good gameplay idea - however far removed from the criminal perspective of the previous games - would involve controlling a snitch. The burden of having to balance earning criminal trust with keeping the cops satisfied has some potential. If this sounds an awful lot like The Wire, it's because it's completely ripped off The Wire.

Fake Name Pick: Outer Harbor

// Detroit: This is admittedly a homer pick, but Detroit has some good credentials that would lend itself to the ultra-violent urban insanity that GTA fans love. I don't know if you guys knew this, but Detroit has a fairly serious crime issue. There could also be some great smuggling missions stemming from Canada's proximity. This might be a great pick. Or maybe I just want to see Rockstar do a caricature of Kwame Kilpatrick.

Fake Name Pick: Motor City would be good, but if they couldn't do that: Wasteland

THE LINK DUMP:

+ Things Younger than John McCain Highly recommended for a good laugh.

+ FOX picks up Mitch Hurwitz's Shit Down, Shut Up He created Arrested Development, and this animated show has Jason Bateman, Will Forte, and Will Arnett on the voice cast. Is it possible to predict that a show will rank in your top 10 favorites before it comes out?

+ Beerijuana **turn off speakers** A band name so incredibly bad, it's incredibly good.

+ Culinary Abortions from Japan I never thought I'd be discouraged to travel.