... And This is What's Happening in Your World Tonight
Here is a news story that will knock your socks off. The Catholic Church has decided to change the date of St. Patrick's Day from the standard March 17th, to the 14th. Apparently, the 17th fell on the first day of Holy Week and they changed the date... yes, they can do that. So that officially changes the day of St. Patrick's Day from a Monday to a Friday. I know, it sounds too good to be true, but here's the article if you don't believe me. However, although many Catholics may be celebrating on the 14th, many U.S cities, ignoring the piety, are still having their parades on Saturday and Sunday. Chicago's will be on the 15th, and Detroit, in all of its wisdom, will have their parade on Palm Sunday. What does this mean for the rest of us? Considering I am practically 100% Irish, a Catholic, and my middle is Patrick, I am going to celebrate fully on the 14th-16th, and calling in sick on Monday, so I can go drinking.
In other news, this guy is having a really bad day.
And that is what's happening in your world today.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Instant Nomination for Man of the Year
Sunday, February 24, 2008
A Playlist for Every Party Scenario
A lot of us have been in the same position... we've either hosted, or went to a party where our iPod became the musical DJ of the night. If you are not hosting the party, this can become extremely awkward, if not dangerous, and is not recommended by the M A I N S T R E A M without prior expert consultation. However, Some people, like myself, love to make sure that whatever party they are attending, it is at its constant zenith of fun-nes. The only way to do this is through music. The type of parties that I'm talking about are the average size crowd, roughly 15-30 people, which places it in the predrinking, or 'afterdrinking' category. These people are most likely your friends or friends of friends. Trying to play music for anyone more than that is impossible, unless you listen to 'Low' by Flo Rida over and over again. What is most likely to happen is, "Hey does anyone got any tunes!?!?" "I DOOO!!!" would be the response of any other chappy, but not you. You've come prepared. You realize that you are in charge of a platoon of party goers. .. Many people would buckle under the pressure of having to entertain so may people. But what they don't know is that, unlike many a drunk girl, being in charge of the music is a huge responsibility. The music sets the tempo of the party. You have to keep in mind the needs and desires of everyone attending. If you get it wrong, you could immediately be removed from your duties, and be replaced by some douchebag with a Zune. No one wants that, and neither do you. So, by studying the mistakes of prior offenders, and looking at myself in the mirror (figuratively), I came up with some songs that should definitely be in your playlist if you are playing to a certain demographic.
Party Scenario: Mostly guys... end of the night and you trying to hook up with a girl there. (Warning: Be prepared to dance like John Travolta, and for every guy to hate you.)
Obviously, there are many other different party scenarios out there, but this is a good base to start at. Keep up the good work party music dj's out there.
Starting off with the ridiculous and gradually transitioning to the mellow, Mike's Bump & Run is an ongoing series that can be likened to a bastard child of USA Today and The Atlantic Monthly on acid.
// Eminem is set to begin publishing his memoirs. I was the only white kid... my mom abused a lot of drugs... Proof was nice to me, he's dead... drugs are fun... blah, blah, blah, etc. Don't get me wrong I love Shady. His music has been rad and at this point any press is good press if Detroit's involved. All that aside; why would I want to spend money to hear about drugs, sex, music, violence and money when I've seen it first hand growing up on the mean streets of Grosse Ile? Y'all don't know my struggle.
// I think a good idea for a Twilight Zone episode would have a person waking up and everyone around them talks like a network reality show host. Imagine the frustration that person would feel. Mr. Samuelson... how... did you feel... about the mustard... your wife has been using... ON YOUR TURKEY SUBS! The only downside of the episode would be the person would kill his/herself within an hour. I guess it could still work with commercials.
// Be Kind Rewind opens on Friday. Two video rental store dudes accidentally erase their library of tapes and then decide to make their own versions. Little did I know (and little did you know before now, say Thank You to mnstream), this film-making process actually happens all the time and is called "sweding". This link is highly recommended: here's a glorious list of "sweded" movies made by various idiot troupes.
// This year's NCAA tournament should be reorganized. They should take an All-California team (USC, UCLA, Stanford, Cal) and put them up against All-Indiana (IU, Purdue, Notre Dame). The winner of that plays whoever comes out of All-North Carolina (Duke, UNC, Wake Forest, NC State) versus All-Tennessee (UT, Memphis). I don't know why I'm not chairman of the NCAA.
// The NFL Combine starts today. The general feeling right now is that with a solid workout, Chris Long can solidify his grip on being drafted #1 overall by Bill Parcells and the Dolphins. There is also a general feeling that regardless of workouts, Matt Millen will draft the best wide receiver available with the 15th pick. On a serious note, The MNStream Team firmly believes that all who pass on Michigan running back Mike Hart will feel regret. Despite his smarmy diatribes about my beloved Spartans, I believe he'll be a very solid NFL back.
// Lastly, ABC announced its new lineup for Dancing With the Stars. So, despite Fidel Castro's resignation in Cuba, the world is at peace once again.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Top 5 Greatest Things About The 90's
It just dawned on me that in 2 short years another decade will come to an end. With this in mind, I started thinking about the great things that this decade (the 00's?) has brought us... and then I started thinking about the great things about the 90's, and here is my list of the greatest things about the 90's.
#5 ) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Raphael; the four greatest ninjas, which were turtles, of all time. I don’t know about the rest of the fellas out there, but in the early 90’s, Saturday mornings were considered turtle time for me. The movies were amazing, except for the third one, I don’t know what happened there. I had a Cowabunga time watching Splinter, Casey Jones, and April O’Neil teaming up to take it to The Foot and, of course, its leader Shredder. I was fortunate enough to get the Pizza Thrower one Christmas, and spent countless hours chucking small plastic discs at friends. I can’t think about the 90’s and not think TMNT.
#4 ) South Park / Family Guy Yes, that’s right two of the more popular shows on TV today were born in the 90’s. They were two cartoons that decided to give the ole F*** you to what cartoons should be, and we loved it. Cartman impressions were the soup de jour in the Middle School cafeteria, and everyone quoted scenes from Family Guy. They’re still around, but we have the 90’s to thank for it.
#3 ) Nickelodeon Nickelodeon hosted some of the greatest old school shows ever. A few shows that come to mind are: Salute Your Shorts, Doug, Rocko's Modern Life, Guts, Hey Dude, Nick Arcade, The Adventures of Pete & Pete, and Are You Afraid of the Dark? Thanks to Salute Your Shorts, I have fond memories of Sponge and Donkeylips battling with their weight classes so they could get on the wrestling team, all awhile that asshole / camp drug dealer, Budnick was administering Awful Waffles. "It's I hope we never part, now get it right or pay the price!" And we could always count on Nickelodeon to scare the shit out of us with Are You Afraid of the Dark? … Remember the one where the kid gets stuck in a videogame, and he has to run around a mall and save the girl? It wasn’t till the end that he found out he was stuck in there FOREVER. I didn’t play videogames for weeks. These shows are a far cry from what kids are watching now, and for that I salute you 90’s Nickelodeon.
#2 ) Super Nintendo / Nintendo 64 This one is a no-brainer. Super Mario World, Donkey Kong, Mortal Kombat, Zelda, Goldeneye, Mario Kart, Blitz, etc… Some of these games are still being played in college dorms nationwide. Before the age of next-gen systems, Nintendo dominated, and we got the benefit of amazing games. You could not host a legitimate sleepover if you did not have one of these systems. Nintendo games of the 90's are too legendary to ever be considered old, and that is why they brought greatness to the 90's.
#1 ) The Internet. The greatest invention of the 90’s is the greatest thing about the 90’s. Downloading Mp3’s from Napster, being on AOL Instant Messenger, and playing a round of virtual miniature golf, all the while being in Science class is a great thing to me. Thanks to The Internet I haven’t had to buy a CD since 1997, and I like most people have tons of illegally downloaded songs on my computer, and it feels good. The Internet paved the way for the best invention of the 00's, that of course being the Mainstream, and other websites like this, amazing. I don’t even think I need to explain this one further, The Internet is the greatest thing about the 90’s.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Deep Thoughts, By Jack Handey
"I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
"I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment" even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better."
"I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?"
"If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture."
"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness."
"When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."
"I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular sun and "rogue" sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I'd say, "Regular time?" And they'd say, "Yeah." And I'd say, "Sorry, all I have is rogue time." It'd be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy."
"If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised."
I don't think these will ever get old.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Pineapple Express Trailer Leaked!
+ Judd Appatow needs this movie to rock so he can keep his momentum meter turned up high. Especially because Walk Hard... umm... how do you say? SUCKED.
Check It!
I drove almost 200 miles today. Thank goodness for the podpiece. Walking without one now is unbearable, but I like the iPod's application in a car more if only because I enjoy singing. Here's a question: On the whole, do iPods lead to more or less instances of road rage? I could see less because people (most people, anyway) listen to music that they enjoy. Enjoying your drive would assumably lead to less incidents of road rage. On the flip side, what if I'm on shuffle and the traffic gets really heavy? At the exact same moment some learner's permit goofball cuts me off, I'm getting serenaded by Eminem's "Kill You". It probably all evens out in the end. If it doesn't, Steve Jobs will commission some sort of traffic density detector for the next software upgrade.
Starting off with the ridiculous and gradually transitioning to the mellow, Mike's Bump & Run is an ongoing series that can be likened to a bastard child of USA Today and The Atlantic Monthly on acid.
Erick Erickson, editor of the popular, ridiculously conservative megablog RedState, conceded that progressives currently enjoy an advantage over conservatives online—though he attributed it to an asymmetry in free time, since conservatives "have families because we don't abort our kids, and we have jobs because we believe in capitalism."
// How true. I can't tell you how many fetuses we had to abort to get The Mainstream back up and running. Plus, we all had to quit our jobs and shred our resumés.
// Re: Pizza Hut's Crunchy Cheesy Crust Pizza. It looks disgusting and delicious simultaneously. Pizza Hut is like the Oscar Mayer of Italian cuisine. While Oscar Mayer invented new meats* (Olive Loaf?), Pizza Hut invents new pizzas. How long until we see a stuffed crust pizza where the crust is stuffed with hot dogs?
// With the release of Step Up 2 the Streets on Friday, can we officially declare "urban dancing competition" a film genre?
// I think I can fart the Price Is Right loser music.
// Celebrities are so crazy now that I'm beginning to think people should stop trying to get famous. It seems that the second you visit L.A. and people start taking pictures of you, your brain shuts off and you start channeling late-life Jim Morrison. Evidence: Lil' Kim.
// It's encouraging to see that the election is such a forefront topic these days, but is being polit-savvy trendy? Is it like being a Red Wings fan in the late 90s or a patriotic American on 9/12? Time will tell. Meanwhile, we've been hammering Hillary lately on the 'stream. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Comprehensive review of Anti-Hillary slogans.
// The writer's strike is over! When will my shows be back? Check it before you wreck it.
*stolen from Seinfeld
Greatest Movie Quotes of All Time
"Time to kick some ice" - Mr. Freeze, Batman and Robin
"You have a bazooka, why don't you blow some shit up? Stop thinking Prague police and start thinking Sony Playstation!" [Policeman: Is not bazooka, is heat-seeking rocket.] "Heat-seeking rocket? The son-of-a-bitch is smoking. Set it!" [fires bazooka, kills a guy] "I told him that cigarette would kill him one day." - Xander Cage, XxX
"Do you know what happens to a toad when it gets struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else!" - Storm, X-Men
"Put... the bunny... back... in the box. " - Cameron Poe, Con-Air
"I think of you every time I chew steak!" - General George Octavius Deckert, XxX: State of the Union
"You almost had me? You never had me - you never had your car... Granny shiftin' not double clutchin' like you should. You're lucky that hundred shot of NOS didn't blow the welds on the intake! You almost had me? Now, me and the mad scientist got to rip apart the block... and replace the piston rings you fried. Ask any racer. Any real racer. It don't matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning's winning." (crowd goes crazy) - Dom, The Fast and the Furious
"I'm getting too old for this shit." - Danny Glover in every movie he's been in since 1986.
"... They sucked his brains out." - Jean Rasczak, Starship Troopers
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Obama Sweeps!
Barack Obama swept yet another primary tonight, winning Virginia, Maryland, and D.C. by fairly large margins. All I got to say is Thank God. I know that he basically has the same platform as Hillary Clinton, but I cannot stand to look at her or listen to that familiar nagging voice. John McCain also swept tonight and it looks like he is going to be the nominee for the Republicans. I like McCain... Pros: He’s classy. He gets me. He was in the Navy. I trust him. Cons: I don’t really trust him. I actually consider myself pretty conservative, but I don't think the Republicans stand a chance this year. If it is going to between Hillary and Obama, I got to go with Obama. Listening to his speeches you actually do get inspired. Things are pretty bad right now, and I think he can change this country around. Look for a possible official endorsement from Mainstream soon.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Kann Dies Nicht Berühren
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Lent: Day 5
There are some pretty neat perks that go along with being Catholic. For starters, it's the world's most popular religion by membership. Then there's the history. Catholics have had some rough patches, but we've also been on the giving end of some serious beat-downs. Charlemagne, The Crusades, The Inquisition... the list goes on. Plus, we can get absolved of all sins if we're actually sorry. That's something nice to have in your back pocket when the whole heaven/hell thing comes up. We have some solid nationalities that are predominantly Catholic. However, there is a catch. Lent. Aside from no meat on Fridays (notoriously a Taco Bell day in the Mikeosphere) and a bunch of other rules that are somewhat complicated, Catholics are encouraged to give up an additional vice for the 40 day non-bender. Back in the days of catechism, we'd give up dumb stuff like, "I'm not going to eat candy", or "Every time I swear, you can punch me in the arm." This year, along with a friend named Nelson, I'm going to attempt the Lenten equivalent of a 19-0 season in the NFL: NO ALCOHOL. So far, the road hasn't been that difficult. While I am in a college town notorious for turning bright and ambitious kids into bumbling morons, I rarely hang out with people I enjoy and the writer's strike looks to be ending. So there it is. The mission has been stated and the taps have been shut down. Further status reports - and an opinion piece on why we enjoy drinking so much - will follow whenever I feel like it.
They say you never forget, and from my personal experience (with riding bikes) that's true. However it is important to note that there will be some rust. In almost any walk of life, getting off the schneid requires a period of re-acquaintance. To that end, let's get some things stipulated: 1) Brian and Kevin are professionals now. I soon hope to follow (lower/shake my head). We're here to stay because we know the internet hasn't been the same since we peaced. 2) I'm here for infotainment. There will be two types of Mike Posts (or "MiPos"). One is the short and sweet, with a little blurby and a link to something I thought was awesome. I share these things because without me, nobody would realize what was awesome and what sucked. The second MiPo is of a lengthier persuasion (that's what she said) and it will contain more hardcore Mike.
Without further ado... I like my PodPiece very much. Before the summer of 2003 and my first iPod, I can't remember taking any long walks w/o music. The iPod is the quintessential "how did we live before this" piece of tech. One of the more underrated parts of the iPod is its versatility. Through accesories, your PodPiece can become a fitness computer, a T.P. dispenser, or it can even take the place of your emasculated husband! The possibilities are near endless! At it's heart though, the iPod is about the music. The very second these little bastards flooded the PC market and everybody you know got one, people wanted to be able to play them aloud as easily as they could CDs. We didn't just want to be able to hear our music, we wanted to be able to make other people hear our music. External speakers/dock connectors/iPod ready stereo sets became essential.
When I make a purchase as relevant as iPod speakers, I put some serious thought into it. Three years ago, after hours of deliberation, I settled on the original JBL Creatures. After over 4 years of faithful service despite frequent drunken kickings and beverage spills, the JBLs look to be on their last leg. Sad, yes. However, being an American consumer I am trained to give the "F*ck It" response and look for another without remorse. Looking, looking, looking.... found one! The LASONIC Ghetto Blaster is clearly dope. A little over-the-top? Perhaps. Ostentatious? Without a doubt. This is way my stereo than I'll ever need and the price tag will probably be equally outlandish. But look how sweet it looks! In the end, isn't that all that matters?
It's good to be back on the mainstream. Late.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Mainstream is back!
Welp, Mainstream is back again. A little bit older now, there are new life experiences that we would like to share with you. We’ll get to that later, but right now I would like to introduce the MNstream team. For starters we have Kevin, and here is his bibliography.
On Sunday April 14, 1985 the stars and planets were in alignment and the birth of Kevin took place, which many historians will later dub “Bloody Sunday”. Scholar Thomas Macaulay, author of “Kevy D: Man, Myth, and Legend”, was quoted as saying, “The birth of Kevin was like the American Revolution, the dropping of the atomic bomb, and the first time I lost my virginity happening all at the same time.” Kevin’s birth, only second to Jesus’, took place on Mount Olympus. Witnesses present were Zeus, Ho Chi Minh, Marie Antoinette, Ronald Reagan, Jay-Z, Mike Babcock, Julius Caesar, Jimmy Hendrix, Hillary Clinton, and Robert Beaudrie, who was scouting prospects.
After this event, little is known about Kevin’s childhood, what is known is that by the age of 12 Kevin would earn his right to compete in the Olympics and was invited to join the USA basketball team, a.k.a., “The Dream Team” for his beyond human comprehension of balance, mobility, and competition. Kevin, unfortunately, would find himself on the bench. Historians would later compare this event to Hitler’s jail sentence in the 1920’s, where he only grew angrier and wrote “Mein Kampf”. After this humiliation, Kevin immediately hit the books and the gym. By the age of 13 Kevin could fluently speak in English, German, French, Spanish, Japanese, Russian, and Latin. By the age of 14 Kevin had flown around the world in a single engine plane, started a small business project codenamed: Google, which he would later make millions in, won The World Series single handily, shook the hand of three U.S. Presidents, co-wrote a movie called ‘The Matrix’, been declared clinically dead two times, invented Napster, and had a threesome.
While Kevin attended High School he received the highest honor a high school man can earn, and that is of course, Student Council President. Kevin reformed his high school the only way he knew how… through power. Several victims have come forward in saying that Kevin would walk around the halls punching guys in the balls… not for pain, but to check to see if they had a hard-on for him… if they didn’t, then the real pain would begin. While Kevin’s football career is somewhat notable, the biggest event that will go down in Kevin’s life is the honor he received from Mnstream.com. On April 1st 2003, Kevin was honored with the Mnstream.com’s most notable medal… the #1 fan of the month. Keep in mind, at the time, Mainstream had already been called the greatest website on earth by Rolling Stone, Playboy, TIME, Hustler, The New York Times, Maxim, and Fox & Hounds. For receiving this award Kevin was proudly displayed on the mnstream.com’s website and he was given a scholarship to the University of Michigan.
His first years at college were pretty typical of any young boy entering an adult scene. Kevin was unmotivated and wanted to drink all the time. Enter the downfall of Kevin. While many scholars debate this topic till today, the most popular opinion shared is that Kevin just loved too much. He could only give so much. The nail in the coffin occurred in the summer of 2006 when Kevin visited Germany. The German people would later compare this event to the holocaust. Today, Kevin is just an average guy. He has to eat, drink, and live like the rest of us. As part of his rehab program, Kevin will be forced to participate in the blogs for MNstream. We’re going to have to take him kicking and screaming, but let’s all give him a chance.
Next up is a man that will make you rethink your life after a ten minute conversation with him. Of course, it would be unfair to speak of Mike’s life after hearing the story of Kevin, but we will try. On Tuesday July 16th, 1985 a boy was born and named Michael because his mother was a huge Michael Keaton fan. Till this day, if you ask him, Mike will swear that his life goal is to meet and have a beer with Michael Keaton. A Michigan native, Mike had mastered the artistry of the fur trade and was a master lumberjack by the age of seven.
During his younger years, Mike was well known for his athletic skills, and, in fact the entire nation became aware of these skills after he was an athlete on Global Guts at the age of twelve. Mike proudly represented the United States while competing against representatives from Jamaica and the United Kingdom. Mike excelled in the events Slam-A-Jam, Triple Jump, and Boogie Down. Also, Mike went down in Guts history as the only athlete to cry during the ‘Spill Your Guts’ segment. The Super Aggro Crag, however, did not disappoint. The falling rocks, lightening effects, and flying glitter proved to be too much for Mike. A second place finish seemed inevitable. However, as luck would have it, Mo’ was also on the top of her game and quickly reprimanded the Jamaican and penalized him for accidentally hitting the Brit’s actuator. Mike won first place by default and earned the honor of being able to take home a glowing piece of the Aggro Crag, which is still proudly displayed on his fireplace mantle.
Mike was lucky enough to attend the same high school as Kevin. Mike’s high school career is also very notable, but his greatest honor was also given to him by MNstream.com. He was invited to editorialize on the blog and quickly became famous worldwide as one of the world’s greatest blogger. He was invited to speak at universities nation wide and won several awards. The ad revenue from MNstream was easily enough to pay for an education at Michigan State University. Mike claims that he has not lost his blogging touch and will definitely not disappoint, welcome back, Mike.
#5 ) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
#2 ) 
Kevin reformed his high school the only way he knew how… through power. Several victims have come forward in saying that Kevin would walk around the halls punching guys in the balls… not for pain, but to check to see if they had a hard-on for him… if they didn’t, then the real pain would begin. While Kevin’s football career is somewhat notable, the biggest event that will go down in Kevin’s life is the honor he received from Mnstream.com. On April 1st 2003, Kevin was honored with the Mnstream.com’s most notable medal… the #1 fan of the month. Keep in mind, at the time, Mainstream had already been called the greatest website on earth by Rolling Stone, Playboy, TIME, Hustler, The New York Times, Maxim, and Fox & Hounds. For receiving this award Kevin was proudly displayed on the mnstream.com’s website and he was given a scholarship to the University of Michigan.
Mike proudly represented the United States while competing against representatives from Jamaica and the United Kingdom. Mike excelled in the events Slam-A-Jam, Triple Jump, and Boogie Down. Also, Mike went down in Guts history as the only athlete to cry during the ‘Spill Your Guts’ segment. The Super Aggro Crag, however, did not disappoint. The falling rocks, lightening effects, and flying glitter proved to be too much for Mike. A second place finish seemed inevitable. However, as luck would have it, Mo’ was also on the top of her game and quickly reprimanded the Jamaican and penalized him for accidentally hitting the Brit’s actuator. Mike won first place by default and earned the honor of being able to take home a glowing piece of the Aggro Crag, which is still proudly displayed on his fireplace mantle.