// I had to wear a hoodie as I walked to class on the first day of school. That chill in the early autumn air sends an unmistakable message: football season is upon us. In my mind, the opening weekend of college football is second only to baseball's opening day in terms of season-beginning holidays. One is hard-pressed to find a more succinct slice of Americana. Allow me to paint a picture. You plan ahead and hit yourself with a 6 AM wake-up, with your adrenaline as the only weapon in your arsenal against the wicked hangover from Friday night. Staggering to the can, you mix in a hot shower accompanied by a super-cheap, ice-cold beer. The wardrobe is simultaneously simple and beautiful; your favorite tee, your lucky boxers, the pair of jeans you don't mind getting some mud on, and the most broken-in sneakers you've ever seen. Those first couple of steps outside into the brisk fall air function as a veritable buffet line for the senses. The faint smell of grills and foliage are so subtle they're almost a treat to find. You can almost hear your school's fight song in your head as you make your way towards your tailgate of choice. The excitement is so palpable it's hard not to scream in elation. Truthfully, there is nary a better feeling in the world than waking up on an autumn Saturday and preparing for a glorious day of college football.
Now that we're in the right mood, let's get to it: it's time for a preview of the college football season, MNStream style. We're going to do deeper than the players and teams. After all, college football is about so much more than that. I don't want to get to Zen on you, but the sport is bigger than the sport. The day wouldn't exist without the 11 guys on the gridiron, but the games wouldn't be the same without the accouterment that accompanies the experience. Let's break down the business end first, then get into some of the nuances. I'm gonna go through the conferences in a very scientific order: how much they matter to me. So, without further ado...
Big East
+ I can dig the Big East, I guess. The conference was left for dead after the BC/VT/Miami(FL) defections to the ACC, only to bounce back into a respectability that probably surpasses the thieving conference. There are legit-quality teams with some red-hot coaching names (Brian Kelly, Greg Schiano, Randy Edsall). That said, the Big East is still like the NL West of CFB, the conference equivalent of something a dude thinks of during sex so he can prolong the session.
+ Conference Champ: West Virginia - There's no real reason to think otherwise. They won't be as good as they were in very recent years, but I don't think Pitt or South Florida is improved enough to dethrone a team still chock-full of RichRod recruits led by the two most dynamic playmakers in the conference: Pat White and Noel Devine. Put down WestVa as a (very) dark horse team to go undefeated.
+ Non-Obvious Player to Watch: John Baldwin, WR, Pitt - He's non-obvious because he's a true freshie. Baldwin was recruited by the traditional heavies, including UofM and USC, but chose to stay home. I can dig that. The dude has a Calvin Johnson-esque frame and can fly. In a conference not known for stingy defenses, you might see some special highlights of this cat.
+ Best Coach: Brian Kelly, Cincinnati - I had/have a bunch of friends at Central Michigan, and I'm happy to see them have a really good team. Kelly is responsible for most of that, and he spent his first year at Cinci the same way he left Central: coaching well. After RichRod's disastrous 3-year term at Michigan, I'd expect Kelly to be the head candidate to coach in Ann Arbor.
+ Best Uniforms: Syracuse - I think these are absolutely gorgeous. The big block S, the shoulder stripes, the very nice-looking orange & navy scheme; their team may suck to high heaven, but they look very nice playing football.
+ My thing with the ACC is this: they bring nothing to the table. That's not the worse thing you can say about a conference (or a guy in a group of friends, as is often the case), but in a sense it is more disparaging to say someone "brings nothing to the table" than it is to just call someone a jerk. Give me something, ACC. I feel like the entire conference could cease to exist tomorrow and I wouldn't care for more than 4 seconds. Still, a season preview wouldn't be complete if I ignored twelve teams.
+ Conference Champ: Virginia Tech - About 90% of pundits who get paid to write things like this (but much better) are picking Clemson. To that I say, "Phooey." I'm pretty decent at admitting when I'm wrong in cases similar to this. Count me amongst the people who thought the Bears would beat the Peyton and the Colts in Super Bowl XLI, and the people who thought Mickelson would never win a major, and the people who thought I'd never lose my V card. I always pick against consistent chokers until they prove - even if it's just once - that they have the sand to get nasty when it counts.
+ Non-Obvious Player to Watch: Hakeem Nicks, WR, UNC - Yes, another WR. Check out this video of Nicks putting in heavy work against the Irish. Hakeem Nicks is - in the purest sense - an excellent all-around receiver; one of those guys who makes you smile and realize how fun it is to watch a good football player. He reminds me of Amani Toomer.
+ Best Coach: Jim Grobe, Wake Forest - He's turned Wake Forest into a conference title contender. Wake Forest. That's really beyond impressive. I wish he'd stay with Wake Forest for a couple decades and turn them into a always-decent type team. Unfortunately, methinks Mr. Grobe will be headed for greener pastures after another quality season with the Deacs.
+ Best Uniforms: Georgia Tech Goldenrod Alternates - This conference is full of uniforms that are exactly like the teams they represent. They all elicit the same response: meh. But when GT breaks out these babies (sometimes against UGA and 2 years ago against ND), I get antsy in my pantsy. Dig the white helmet.
+ Neatest Tradition: At Clemson, they touch Howard's Rock. Like all things ACC, meh. I like to mix in a little un-PC element into football traditions. Ergo, FSU's Chief Osceola. He runs around, hoots and hollers, and eventual throws his garish spear into the ground. Obviously, this is what Native Americans have always wanted. By the way you guys, sorry for stealing the country from you.
BIG XII
+ Most CFB enthusiasts agree that the Big XII has the best quarterbacks of any conference. You'll find no argument here. On the strength of those arms, the Big XII might prove by the end of the season that it's the country's best conference. At first look, Oklahoma looks to be the overwhelming favorite, but a deeper look reveals more than a couple teams that have the potential to make a run at the Sooners. Texas Tech, Texas, Missouri, and maybe even Kansas might have the gumption to steal the thunder from Bob Stoops' boys. This should be a fun conference to watch.
+ Conference Champ: Oklahoma - Oh, sweet irony! I pick the exact team I just said could have some trouble to win! There's a method to my madness. Oklahoma is just too stacked for me not to play the odds and pick them to win the conference. They have plenty of returning starters on the line and perhaps one of the best set of backs and receivers in the country. Mark it.
+ Non-Obvious Player to Watch: Duke Robinson, LG, Oklahoma - I used to watch football like 95% of America, by following the ball and/or the guy carrying it. While that's obviously the easiest way, it's also very fun to single out a lineman/linebacker/defensive back/whatever. On a team with such a balanced offense, watching Robinson as a run blocker is truly a sight. He dominates in close quarters almost as good as Jake Long, albeit from an interior position.
+ Best Coach: Bob Stoops, Oklahoma - I'm really giving oral to OU now. Still, there are few in the country that combine recruiting prowess and football knowledge like the revered Sooners coach. Even though he's earned the label as a big-game choker as of late, I still consider him one of the best coaches of my lifetime.
+ Best Uniforms: Iowa State - Simple. Elegant. A drastic improvement over their old chicken-inside-a-tornado logo, the new ISU uniforms are wonderful. Much like Syracuse, they employ a great set of shoulder stripes. Also like Syracuse, they employ football players who aren't very good at playing football.
+ Neatest Tradition: Texas Tech's "Guns Up" - Although the dude who portrays said Raider looks a little bit like a homosexual Zorro, I applaud the use of dangerous weapons as symbols of team spirit. Remember when we had the Washington Bullets? How much better is that than the Washington Wizards? Harry Potter idiots fanboys aside, I think people would agree that Bullets is cooler than Wizards.
Pacific 10
+ There's loads of talent this year in the Pac-10, and although the gap is being closed (at a snail's pace), USC is still far and away the best team in the conference. USC's second team would probably be the favorite in this conference. That's not hyperbole, I actually mean that. While Arizona State and others are getting better, the Trojans remain elite in every sense of the word. If I had to bet my life on something, it'd be a hard pick between the sun rising tomorrow and USC winning the Pac-10.
+ Conference Champ: Southern Cal - Again, there's no question here. ASU might give the Trojans a decent game, but with their talented (if unproven) offense and 1970s Steelers-esque defense, USC might not win by less than 14 points during their conference schedule. Their home date with the Buckeyes will feature about 10-15 first-day draft picks. On a related note, what is going on in my trousers?
+ Best Coach: Pete Carroll, USC - He looks a lot like one of my best friend's Dad, in case you were wondering. I believe that Pete Carroll is the best college football coach in the country. He reloads his teams like nobody since Bobby Bowden and Florida State in the early 90s. On top of that, he shows HUGE sand on the big stage and draws up game plans that are second to none. The rest of the Pac-10 should just throw in the towel until he gets bit by the NFL bug (which doesn't look like it's happening soon).
+ Non-Obvious Player to Watch: Jahvid Best, RB, Cal - My Spartans play the Golden Bears in 2 days, and I am absolutely petrified of Jahvid Best. He runs the 100-meter dash in 10.31 (source). If he trained for track, he'd probably be an Olympian. And since he's a running back, he might not drop the baton (zing). Pray that he blazes up a blunt on Saturday afternoon before kickoff.
+ Best Uniforms: USC - In addition to their pristine record on the gridiron, USC has incredible uniforms. It should be obvious now that I have a proclivity for shoulder stripes. USC is no exception there. A subtle detail that I think - not to get too 90s on you - rocks the house is the gray facemask. I'm not even sure why, but the gray facemask makes me think smile. The Colts also utilize gray on their facemasks, which are my favorite in the NFL.
+ Neatest Tradition: I know other teams do it, but the hysterical atmosphere of Autzen Stadium makes Oregon's use of a diesel truck horn after a score seem cooler than anyone else's. In a tight game, the sheer decibels of the horn can kick the crowd into that extra gear. In a blowout, the fart-y quality conveys a sense of dominance, like giving your opponent a Dutch oven. (side note: I thought for ~5 minutes about taking the Dutch oven reference out, but I decided the greatness of the analogy overweighed the grossness)
The Southeastern Conference
+ Kevin talked about how much they suck earlier, and I couldn't agree more... in the academic field. The story on the gridiron, however, is much different. I hate admitting it, but it's been very true for the last 4-5 years: The SEC right now is the best football conference in the country. Ugh. That made me shiver just writing that. That said, here's what I say to the SEC: football in warm weather is for sissies. Football was born in cold weather, was meant to be played in cold weather, and should remain dominated by creatures of cold weather. Namely, the big nasties we grow up here in Big Ten country. The SEC is full of a bunch of cocky sissies who win bowl games because they play in nice, warm weather all year. Put some outdoor bowl games up in Chicago or Philadelphia. We'll see how much these show-boating dicks like football when it's so cold it hurts to breathe. Punks. By the way, you know what I like about being a Big Ten guy? Learning things.
+ Conference Champ: Florida - I pick Florida because A) I think the SEC East is the stronger division, B) Whoever comes out of the East (UF or UGA) will beat whoever comes out of the West (LSU or Auburn), and C) Florida has the two best "skill position" players in the country. I put "skill position" in quotes because - prepare for elitist statement - I appreciate the level of thinking and skill involved in being a modern lineman. Anyway, Florida's hiccup against Georgia last year was an anomaly in between Florida's absolute dominance of The Rivalry Formerly Known as The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. They'll get it done this year. A BCS title berth? I doubt it, unless SEC coaches are really, really, really, really, really, really prone to whining about rankings. Oh, wait a sec...
+ Non-Obvious Player to Watch: Julio Jones, WR, Alabama - One of the prized bulls from Saban's 2008 class, Jones is a young MAN. By that I mean while he is young, he is a MAN. His hype might make my non-obvious choice a somewhat obvious choice, but screw it. Remember his name and hope he doesn't get into trouble (not that SEC guys get into huge trouble or anything). He'll be a joy to watch for a long time.
+ Best Uniforms: Arkansas - Alabama and LSU are the most heralded, but the Razorbacks have some great things working for them. A complex logo that not every ADHD-riddled 7-year-old can draw, simple lines, and the cherry on top: their quarterback's last name. DICK. Case closed.
+ Neatest Tradition: The only conference that rivals the Big Ten in the tradition department, the SEC has a hyper-rich history of things that don't make sense to those who aren't fans. My personal favorite is kind of a combo: Neyland Stadium, home of the Tennessee Volunteers. The checkerboard endzone, the Volunteer Navy, and one of the greatest fights songs out there: Rocky Top.
+ Absolutely Stupid: I included this because - big shocker - I abhor the SEC. Their mascots are as follows: a tiger, a pig with tusks, another tiger, bloody water (somehow represented by an elephant), an officer in the Confederate Army who probably owned slaves and supported slavery, a bulldog, a railroad magnate's nickname, another bulldog, a bunch of guys who volunteered (somehow represented by a dog), a rooster used for illegal cock-fight purposes, a wildcat, and an alligator. Not only do we have some in-conference repeats (and in the South, the Land of Creative Thinking! How could that be?), but the other mascots are racists and exploited, possibly tortured animals. I don't think this is what Mellencamp was singing about when he sand, "This is oooouuurrrr country..."
The Big Ten
+ Oh, the glory that is Big Ten football. I'll save the majority of my swooning for my "me time", suffice it to say I love this conference. This year, the Big Ten has an almost-USC type of dominant team, and it's once again Ohio State. The Buckeyes have lost a little luster as of late (give myself a high-five for decent alliteration) per their back-to-back losses in the BCS title game. Regardless, they still remain head and shoulders above the rest of the conference. They'll start 3 guaranteed (barring injury) high first-round draft picks, and many other NFL quality players fill out their roster. Also, check out OSU's most hyped recruit in history, Terrelle Pryor. I haven't been this excited to watch a guy play for a team I didn't like in a long time. UofM's Pryor is Sam McGuffie, a white running back looking to become the first white running back ever to juke out a black defensive back instead of just running him over. Elsewhere in Big Ten country, Penn State looks to be the Buckeye's only (semi)challenge to the crown. My Spartans are poised for a nice season; I myself am looking at 8-4 as a reasonable goal. Wisconsin and Purdue will also be strong again. The goal of the Big Ten should be simple: beat up on each other nice and good so we can go out and kick the SEC's barely-literate asses in the bowl season.
+ Conference Champ: OSU - I think I covered that enough. I really don't like Ohio State until their bowl game.
+ Best Coach Not Named Jim Tressel: Mark Dantonio, Michigan State - Just one step ahead of Ron Zook and Bret Bielema, The Doctor (b/c his initials are MD, see how clever we are at MSU?) is truly a Big Ten guy. He runs the crap out of the ball - almost always between the tackles - and he preaches the brand of nasty defense that's synonymous with great programs. As an added plus, he can recruit the crap out of folks and bring in top-level talent to an historically second-tier program. Take note, mother effers.
+ Non-Obvious Player to Watch: Tyrell Sutton, RB, Northwestern - It's a shame he's not on a better team because Sutton is an incredible running back. He has very good vision and cutting ability. I believe that if he ran behind a quality O-line, he could break 1,800 yards in a season. In my mind, Tyrell Sutton will be a late-round NFL draft steal a lá Willie Parker.
+ Worst Uniform: Northwestern - I already covered best uniform a while back (Michigan), so I thought I'd take a moment and point out how horrendous these uniforms look to me. It's embarrassing to be in the same conference as a program who would don such crap-tastic garb. Two quick things here. #1: Are you kidding me with those numbers? Were they done in freehand? #2: Purple Jersey + Purple Pants = Bottle of Grape Dimetapp. Next.
+ Neatest Tradition: The Trophies - Throughout the Big Ten, the trophies at stake in the illustrious rivalry games are better than anywhere else in the country. Teams play for a bronzed pig, an axe, a jug of water, a turtle, and a bucket in which old codgers used to spit tobacco. The trophies form a garden, and I can dig it.
// That's what we got to get you revved up for the CFB season. Now, on to the week 1 picks. Normally, I'll try and throw in a little blurb about why I made the picks the way I did, but I've been typing for a while now and you'll have to use your imagination this week. Home teams in ALL CAPS.
College Football Picks - Week of 8/30/08
* EAST CAROLINA (+9.5) over Virginia Tech *
* Southern Cal (-20) over VIRGINIA *
* Michigan State (+4.5) over CALIFORNIA *
* MISSOURI (-9.5) over Illinois *
* Lock of the Week: MICHIGAN (-3.5) over Utah *
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
YKI means You Know It
// Michael Phelps went 8 for 8 on his gold medal run at the Olympics. A couple of things went through my mind when I watched him cut through the competition, A) WOW. B) Thank God he’s from America. C) Awesome. Honestly, what an amazing accomplishment, he literally could not have done any better. Some sport commentators are already calling him the greatest Olympian ever, granted that is true; I mean he has won more gold medals then anyone in history, so I will give him that. But when they start calling him the greatest athlete ever I have to stop someone right there. A couple of guys from a couple of shows you might of heard of before on ESPN, Around the Horn and PTI, agreed that he’s the greatest athlete ever, here’s why I have to disagree. First off, calling someone the greatest athlete ever implies that they excel at several sports, meaning that you could take Phelps out of the pool and throw some football pads on him and he would Terry Tate someone, and then after that take him out to the bowling alley and watch him bowl a 300. Until he Terry Tates someone and bowls a 300, I’m not ready to call him the greatest athlete ever… the greatest swimmer ever, yes. U-S-A! U-S-A!
// Speaking of the Olympics, can you believe these Chinese fucks? In case you didn’t know, if you saw the opening ceremonies on tv, then you were watching computer generated fireworks. There is so much smog in Beijing that even at night you would not be able to see the fireworks clear enough. So they had some guys work on some CGI fireworks for 8 months to play over the rest of the shit. (yeah I got a source) Where there plan failed: forgetting to blindfold all of the foreign reporters that were present at the opening ceremonies…. Oops. There’s strike 1; Strike 2: they had an open competition for little girls with the best voice to sing their national anthem at the opening ceremonies, the girl with the best voice one, but she was ugly so they got a hot 9 year old to lip sync over her. (source) Strike 3: admittedly, I did watch some of the USA vs. China Olympics. The minimum age for the girls has to be 16. I looked at the US team and didn’t think twice about the age requirement, then I looked at the Chinese team and honestly thought that half of them were 9-12. (source) One girl weighed 64 lbs… and I think if she really was 16 then she must constantly get trampled walking around the halls in high school, but then again Chinese boys like that. Final verdict: Fuck China.
// This normally wouldn’t bother me because I know this movie is going to be a complete bomb, but as of late I have been flooded with trailers for Disaster Movie.
Allow me to explain this trailer to you. The opening starts with a horribly costumed Iron Man saying, “I am Iron Man!,” and then a cow falls him. Let me pause my synopsis right there and ask a very needed hypothetical, why is that funny?!?! Think about it…. Ok, let’s continue. Ummm… girls running around in bikinis for no reason, and a meteorite hits Hannah Montana, and she tells everyone to buy her two new albums out in 2 weeks! HA HA HA man she would totally do that. The laughs just keep coming, the Incredible Hulk while in a Hulk scream made his shorts come off!!! Oh man can you imagine what it would be like if the Hulk was naked?!?! Girl gets hit by a taxi, didn’t see that coming. Oh my God, I might take everything bad about this movie that I just said because I just saw the FUNNIEST THING EVER, ok you know that movie Hancock with Will Smith where he plays a superhero but he’s also kind of an asshole and drinks a lot? Well Disaster Movie couldn’t of gotten it more right when they had him say “Oh hell no” and then he tried to fly but he hit a lamp post and fell back again!!!!!! Hilarious. No way… they did a spoof off of the Sex and the City movie, you won’t believe what the writers came up with… one of the girls is a transvestite! HAHAHA. Juno spoof. Never Back Down spoof… Don’t mess with the Zohan spoof??? Wait, didn’t that just come out a couple of months ago?? Ok, just did some quick research and found out that this movie was literally written, casted, filmed, edited, and produced in three months. 3 MONTHS. 12 WEEKS. You can’t even complete a semester in college in 12 weeks, yet they managed to complete what takes a good movie to do in 2 years in a tenth of the time. If I find out that anyone of my friends go to this movie… consider us not friends anymore. If this movie makes any money, I won’t be as mad at the people that made it then the people that actually spent money to sit in a theater for 2 hours and watch this piece of shit.
// I don’t like to leave on a bad note, so for whatever reason this video puts a smile on my face. YKI.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
The SEC sucks
Hey MnStream. It’s been a while. So….. I’ll skip all of the BS that has happened in the last 3 or so months. In a nutshell, a lot of badand unfortunatethings have happened and I’ve had a pretty bad attitude.Thankfully, I did not write posts for you to read during this period. Had I, you would have left the computer feeling the same way you did when you saw“The Passion” the first time. So anyways, I’m back…
So, the past week at work has been extremely slow. I’m used to always catching up with various things that I couldn’t get to when I’m slow. Now, all of the sudden, I find myself searching for work. This is because I’m changing positions within my company beginning next week. Our new hirers have successfully taken over my daily processed work as well as many of the projects I created/took over. I have been using up my time by reading just about everything I can find that is remotely interesting, asking other people if they need help with anything they are doing, and by wasting iton personal interests. Luckily, one of the few things I wasted my time on is worth blogging about.
I’ve been an avid Big Ten fan my entire life. I grew up watching the likes of Michigan, Ohio State, Michigan State, and Penn State. I went to Michigan for undergrad. Many of my friendsalsowent to a big ten school. I hope to go to Kellogg (Northwestern) for my MBA. The Big Ten connection remains strong no matter what part of my life it is. I’ve always grown up seeing the Big Ten as the greatest conference, whether itis in a sport or with academics. Part of meknew thatIwas biased but I didn’t care.
So, how am I going to tie this into anything worth reading you may ask? I wasted about 45 minutes of my time collectingcollege ranking data from the US News 2008 rankings. I stored each college’s respective“National University” and assorted them by conferences. I targeted the six large football conferences (BCS automatic bid conferences). Unfortunately, the National University ranking only ranks the top 130 national universities. As a result,10 schools were not included. I searched throughout the US News’ website and could not find any rankings for these colleges. I decided to give them each a ranking of 150 (denoted in red). This ranking could be unfair and skew the results negatively but most likely isfavorable for each respective college. When all national universities are included, it is highly unlikely that even half of the 10 universities fall in the next 20 spots. As a result, I speculate that these rankings are fairly accurate. Lastly, I assorted the colleges by their football conferences (which may be very different than the basketball conference).
What did we find? Contrary to mybelief that the Big 10 and Pac 10 were the two best academic big conferences, I find that the ACC takes the cake (barely) from the Big 10. With an Average ranking of 50, the ACC is the best rated conference from top to bottom. This is even with Florida State,who is ranked 112th. Quite an impressive achievement. Falling in second place was the Big 10 with an average ranking of 51.36. The Big 10 doesn’t have any bad schools. The worst ranked school was Indianawhich received a 75th ranking by US News. It is, in my opinion, the best conference from top to bottom in terms of averageacademic ranking because no school falls below 75th in 2008’s ranking. The PAC 10 came in third with an average ranking of71.9. The bottom schools skewed theoverall results by quite a bit. The PAC 10 has arguably the best top 4 with Stanford, Cal, UCLA, and USC respectively.
Then we start scraping a little deeper into the ratings. The fourth best conference was the Big 12 which has an average ranking of95.33. This is quite surprising considering its best school is Texas, which is ranked 44th. Following the Big 12 comes the SEC and Big East. The Big East’s average may be skewed due to the fact that four of the eight schools were not ranked in the top 130 National Universities by US News. As a result, these four schools automatically received a ranking by myunscientific approach. The SEC’s average ranking is 101.5 while the Big East’s average ranking is 104. The SEC’s diamond in the rough is Vanderbilt which is by far the best ranked school in the SEC. It’s ranking of 19 is 30 spots ahead of the next best school, Florida. Nine of the twelve schools are not even ranked in the top 90 national universities.
This small unscientific approach helps further mybelief that:
a) The Big 10 is the best conference overall
b) The SEC is overrated and filled with morons
I am very proud to be a graduate from the Big 10. When all you hear on TV are negative things about Big 10 sports, it feels good to see the Big 10 near the topwhen it comes to academics. It feels even better to see how bad the SEC is.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Holy. Effing. Ess.
// Thank goodness for Google News. Google in general, really. I used to wake up and go shower, teeth, whatever else needs to be taken care of, then computer. My iGoogle page (and the embedded Google News) changed all that. I switched up my main order and now I go computer first, then I do the ritual bathe. I find that doing the news first gives me some thought fodder for my shower. The best part of Google News is the email. Accompanied with the iPhone, the emails I receive keep me almostly instantly informed about stories concerning keywords I get to select (over 150 now) at pretty much all times unless I'm inside of a lead building (rare occasions). If you're not doing the Google News thing, I think you're missing out a little bit. The reason I bring it up: one of my key words is "explosion". Like I mentioned before, I get pretty laissez-faire with the keywords I select. While I only have a few tabs in the news widget on my iGoogle page, I get an email alert when any of ~150 words appear. I know it sounds like a waste of time, but it's been a long summer and even the best of us get too bored every once in a while. Regarding the keyword "explosion": a couple of days ago, there was an explosion in a Toronto neighborhood that sounded pretty bad. The story I read stated the explosion happened at a propane plant. When I read it at first, I thought, "Ah, bummer. That must have sucked. A propane plant, too. Good gravy." I recognized the potential disaster of an explosion at a propane factory, but there wasn't much second thought. I really just had too much going on in the noggin. A big golf weekend, USA vs. China bball, hangover recovery protocol; they all commanded more immediate attention. Yesterday, I saw a video of the explosion. I literally said aloud to myself, in a louder-than-it-needed-to-be voice, "Holy. Effing. Ess." Except I said the actual swear words because I'm fly like that. Seriously though, I only make remarks aloud to myself on the rarest of occasions. The trigger has to warrant such an outward display of incredulity. Needless to say, this explosion did just that. Check it:
Are you kidding me? Michael Bay couldn't make an explosion that crazy! There's a freaking shockwave! Anyway, the point that I made in 400 words and only needed about 50: get Google (or Yahoo!) News. You don't want to miss a spectacle like this.
// Rocky Top Talk is a college football blog that focuses on (duh) Tennessee. They recently put together a list - among other similar lists - of the least scary logos in college football. For whatever reason I like reading and/or making "top 5" or "worst ever" or any other kind of lists. This one's pretty solid. There's funny little comments. Whatever.
// Paparazzi photography is - in my opinion - pretty out of control. It has gotten to the point where I'm rationalizing some of the crazy antics of celebrities. I imagine that if cameras were following me around everyday, all the time, without rest, I'd completely flip my cookie in less than a month. I'm actually somewhat impressed that I don't hear about more paparazzi beatings. In a way, the impressive thing about the whole situation is the patience of the people being photographed. Sure, there's the occasional smacking of a camera or cuss-fest, but I think I'd be doing much worse. The flipside of this sentiment is the people who would actually enjoy getting their picture taken 5,000 times a day (maybe McConaughey). Either those select few celebs, or the people who would pay for this. The whole idea of this service is so beyond stupid, I'm having trouble coming up with disparaging remarks. Help yourselves.
// The Top 31 Bad Ass Star Wars Moments -- Or as it's now known in my laptop's favorites: F*ck Mountain. Also: here's a less interesting Star Wars link. Why do I post every single link I find that even remotely concerns Star Wars? It's part of the Jedi oath I took when they picked me. Sorry, guys. My hands are tied.
// Funniest thing I've read all month, talking about wimp characters:
I’d add to the list every character played by Michael Cera. The thing that’s wrong with him is that he’s basically George McFly but devoid of the half-nut that made him man up enough to punch out Biff when the chips were down… Michael Cera would totally have let Biff rape Loraine.(source)
// I thought this picture was glorious. Have a good day, turkey toms.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Highly Offensive. More Highly Funny.
I'm so effing excited to see Tropic Thunder, mainly because of Robert Downey, Jr. Ben Stiller - he's not bad. He's made a bunch of movies I liked but really none that I've loved, and he's definitely capable of a crap-capade. I'm also of the opinion that Jack Black is funnier when he's doing something away from what has become his formula. When he was banging primarily with Tenacious D and stealing movies like High Fidelity or Mars Attacks! with his quirky, smaller roles was when I liked him best. But Downey. Jeez-o-peets. The last time I saw anyone do blackface was at a Halloween party in Mount Pleasant, and it went over about as well as syphilis does after a bachelor party gone horribly wrong. It's kind of a gutsy move, doing blackface. I guess the studio is banking on the hope that chop-busting, over-the-top comedy will be acceptable and nobody gets overly sensitive or raises a stink where there shouldn't be one. I laughed when Dave Chappelle used to bust out the whiteface. I hope Downey gets the same shake. It's a risky bet, but Downey has been on fire since the success of Iron Man so it might be worth it. Check out this clip in which he explains to Stiller's character about the degree of retardation that's appropriate to portray as an actor. If the whole movie is like this, I might have 6-pack abs by the end. Not that I'm far off now.
More later. Bed time.
If I Ever Own a Bar - CapÃtulo Uno
// I like to start off my posts with a picture. In most instances, I make an effort to select a picture that is not only humorous, but within (roughly) the context of the subject(s) I write about. This is not one of those times. I saw the picture. I thought the picture was funny, so I fired it up. There's a picture later in the post that does have some relevance to the topic in which it's placed. The above photo has no relevance. And that's my choice.
// I was taking a very long, very leisurely drive with Brian a few days back. First, I think I should say it's good to see Brian back in the blogosphere. It's like MacArthur returning to the Philippines, only with a little bit more glory and fanfare. I actually got an email from The Headmaster of the Internet telling me how good it was to see Brian back on the 'Stream. Dig it. Anyways, in the 6+ hours we spent in the car on this beautiful day in which you'd like to do almost anything but drive, Brian and I touched on a plethora of subjects. More often than not, the conversation dynamic between Brian and I goes like this: 1) Mike yells out nonsensical and/or useless garbage until something interesting enters his brain. 2) Mike gives Brian a mini-lecture for about 12 minutes. 3) Mike repeats steps 1 & 2 until 3) Brian says, "Can we stop and get some McDonald's?" On this particular day, the pattern was holding true. For the sake of trying to get a hearty laugh out of Brian, which is about as easy as quantum physics, my own mentally handicapped rants were all of the same ilk: I was doing my best impersonation of a strip club DJ (or at least what I've heard a strip club DJ sounds like) and trying to come up with a good "phrase that pays".
***Actual Fake DJ Voice*** "FELLAS FELLAS FELLAS! Let's give it up for Cindee on the main stage! Whooooo-haha! THAT'S RIGHT! CINDEE on the main stage! She's a paralegal by day and a temptress by night, so PUT DOWN your wills and get out your DOLLAR BILLS and say 'HELLO!' before you beg to plead the fifth to CINDEE! Hahaha! ...Leesa, stage 2. Leesa, you're on Stage 2."
I'd give myself an A- for effort, but only about a C- for execution. Regardless, the conversation evolved - or maybe devolved - into an old standby topic that many of my friends hold close to their hearts. We began to discuss what a bar would be like if we owned it. Not surprisingly, this subject is most often broached at an existing, non-fictional bar. As this was an exception and we were very sober, and also we were the only two people in a car, the topic was delved into in a deeper than average manner. That's what she said. After bouncing some ideas off of each other for a spell, it became very clear to me that between everyone I've talked to this about, we've got the whole thing pretty much figured out except for "where do we get the money?". We've talked names, decor, the atmosphere/aura/ambiance we want to achieve, drink promotions, tv/jukebox/bar game set ups, customer foci, and even a few innovative ideas regarding service that I believe would be firsts in the saloon industry. With that in mind, we're going to unveil a new mini-series called "If I Ever Own a Bar". The first installment. IS. HAPPENING. RIGHT.....NOW.
1) The Name -- I'm not a business expert. Nor do I pretend to be. Nevertheless, I am a self-proclaimed armchair psychologist as well as an astute consumer and I believe I have a decent bead on what makes the customers tick, especially the throngs of barflies. A good bar name is essential. However, it is more important to NOT have a BAD bar name. Case in point: there's a bar that I've driven by perhaps more than any other bar in my life. It's right outside of Grosse Ile on Van Horn Road. The reason I've never gone into this bar that I've been within 50 feet of more times than I can count? The name. The name?! Yes, the name. What is the name? It's the stupidest name that any human could possibly name any business: C Dogz. I've been inside bars that have C Dogz's (sp?) similarly ramshackle appearance on the outside. I've been in bars that have silly ess-box clientele like I imagine C Dogz does. The reason C Dogz gets the snub from this guy is simply because its name is so egregiously awful. Also, the sign has a caricature of a gangster-looking dog on it, but that's beside the point. The name is a total turn-off. It's like it was named by the white trash cousins of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. Actually, that's not a bad working theory for Chris Martin to call his bar C Dogz. If he'd name his daughter Apple, I could seriously envision him talking himself into C Dogz. Anyways, the point has been made: a bar's name is of the upmost importance. Now... what to call it? The majority of your decent bar names fall into three major categories. First, you have your generic, non-ethnic names (Lloyd's, Rick's, Joe's, Nick's). Those aren't bad, but they're not good. They're bland and boring. Secondly, you have your stereotypical Irish names which may or may not be complete fabrications and the owner is just a lazy pile of dook (P.T. O'Malley's, Malarkey's, Duffy's, Sully's). I actually spent last St. Patrick's Day in a bar in Chicago called Lizzie McGuire's, like the Hilary Duff character. That bar was actually really fun, but that name makes my blood boil like the fiery lakes of Hades! While these names themselves conjure up images of good times and malted hops, the mere fact that some jackass would just slap any old Irish name on the door and still be able to look at himself in the mirror is just vomit-inducing. This ludicrous little phenomenon is quickly climbing its way to the top of my pet peeve list (currently topped by wet shoes on carpet). Moving on before I have an aneurysm, the third major category of names involves just thinking of some word or phrase that has to do with the making of an alcoholic beverage and calling your bar EXACTLY THAT. Fine examples I've seen include The Wheat & Rye, The Whiskey Barrel, The Tap Room (which my friends and I refer to as The C*ck Pump, albeit not in protest), and The Gin Mill. While the names are fun to say and in most cases well within the context of the activity held within, one can't help but feel uninspired. I feel like my fake bar can do better than this. First rule of show business: always leave 'em wanting more. The name of my fake bar that will likely never exist will be unveiled in the coming days. To be continued...
COMING UP in Part Deux: We unveil the name of our fake bar. Plus... how can one make sure that their bar is the one that all the attractive women go to? Stay tuned! Or make sure you have a working internet connection! Late.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Detroit Is Really Embarrassing
The mayor of Detroit is not in City Hall right now, he is in a federal pound me in the ass prison. Yes, that's right Kwame Kilpatrick was sent to jail for breaking the conditions of his bond by going to Canada for the night to gamble and pick up some cheap hookers, well that part isn't true but I wouldn't put it past him. Honestly how is he still the mayor? Is the city that corrupt that the acting mayor is actually in jail? It's just embarrassing. You would think that the people around him would say 'hey, listen, this is going to be a tough one to spin.... mayyyybeee we should think about resigning?' Mayors have resigned for a lot less in the past. This national news is going to make Detroit look like a dump... which it is, but I mean we don't need to go around reminding the nation every 2 months. At least we got those playoff bound Tigers.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Guido Beach
// I've seen a few "guidos" in my day, around school and at the bar, but apparently they are mass breeding on the Jersey Shore. They really are an interesting breed, I could watch them all day, the best part is at the 5:15 mark.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Blogging!
// I guess this is like a year old video but I just saw it so back off.
// I was just surfing the web when I came across a trailer for a movie that's coming out in 2009 called Watchmen. Never heard of it but the trailer makes this movie look amazing, you got to check it out. It's directed by Zack Snyder who directed two of my other favorite movies, Dawn of the Dead and 300, so I'm pretty pumped, even though I've never even heard of this superhero crew. Speaking of superhero movies, if someone picked this summer as the first summer that they have ever gone out to the the movies they would think that Hollywood only makes superhero movies with an occasional Seth Rogen movie here and there. Can't complain too much though, Iron Man was pretty good and The Dark Knight is in my all-time Top 5.
// If you think the Chinese need to be brought down a couple of pegs, watch this video, you'll feel better.
// Been diggin this song lately. It's a good mix of old school rap and a little motown. N.W.A. - Express Yourself. You know it.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Ladies and Gents, Miss Elaneous.
// The above image is from a bar called The Dock in Montauk, NY. Two quick points: 1) Shitfaced Monday is the best name for a single night in a bar I've ever heard, and 2) methinks the manager or owner who conceived this plan was practically encouraging the physical violence by gracing Monday with such a moniker.
// I've mentioned the UniWatch before. It's the "obsessive study of athletics aesthetics". The thing about UniWatch is its writer, Paul Lukas, expresses some of his views as fact. He'll have a link to a picture of a certain uniform and the actual link will just say "Ugh". Even when I agree with his view - like how stupid it is that a bunch of colleges just make their jersey colors into a Nike template, for example - I personally believe that it's dumb to judge without a preface of "this is my opinion", even if it's implied. Don't get me wrong; I love the site and I love Paul's attention to the nano-sized details, but sometimes he judges designs as if he's the lead guy on Project Runway. With that in mind, I was thinking that I'd like to write about the uniforms I like and the ones I hate. Actually, I have a lot of thoughts on both so I think I'll write about the bad uniforms another day. But hey, I also thought that an open discussion like "good/bad jerseys" could function like a shot in the arm for the comments section, which has seen less action than I did in the fall of 2006. Seriously. Worst slump ever. Let's hit it...
++My 3 Favorite Jerseys in All of Sports++
3)Michigan Football (Home) -- One of the worst parts about being an MSU football fan for the past 23 years - aside from the constantly underachieving teams, seemingly perpetual second-tier status, and borderline saboteur-esque coaching decisions on a weekly basis - is that the arch rival Wolverines have some dynamite niceties to go along with their sterling record on the field. The best example is their home uniform. I think a lot of people feel the same way about college football uniforms: the simpler, the better. More often than not, when a person is asked to rattle off some of their favorite college jerseys, the same names pop up: Penn State, Alabama, USC, Ohio State. Hardly anyone throws out Miami, Oregon, Northwestern. Michigan's simplicity works wonders, and at the same time the whole package is underscored by the helmet. What glory! It's just three stripes and two broad strokes of the brush, but it looks downright vicious, right? The design was founded in function: back when all helmets were leather (and the same color), Fritz Crisler brought over the winged design from his days at Princeton, where he thought it up. The quarterback was better able to identify his receivers downfield. I wonder if Crisler put it on the hats purely as a functional tool. Do you think he even realized how cool it looked back then? Regardless, this uniform is (begrudgingly) my favorite uniform in college football. My saving grace: Michigan State has adopted (under Mark Dantonio, who will go down as the George Washington to U of M's British Empire) a much cleaner, simpler look that harkens back to their 1950-70 glory days. That, combined with Rich Rodriguez's touch of death (partially covered in an earlier post), will lead my boys back to the promised land. Suck it.
2)Chicago Bulls -- The fact has slipped past me until I really thought about it and wrote it down: two of my favorite three uniforms belong to big, big rivals of two teams I root for. Why Chicago? Well, it's a combination of things. Part of the allure is their primary logo, which they've held for their entire stay in the Windy City. I'm nothing if not a sucker for continuity. Plus, the bull is a great example of how to make an animal look mean without going today's route, which is making the animal look like it's been using steroids. That is a giant pet peeve of mine. That, and giving an animal logo a set of teeth when the actual animal depicted doesn't have teeth. Effin' A. Getting back to the point, non-roid-raging-but-still-mean-looking bull is something I appreciate. Also, check out the neckline. It's a classic neckline. Some time ago, for reasons I doubt I'll ever understand, the NBA and Reebok decided the neckline on the uniforms was outdated. I don't know if the players complained about the neckline during timeouts or what, but the effect was widespread: we were all treated to new, some would say dumber necklines. Aside from very few others, the Bulls held strong and maintained the classic neckline. I like that. Lastly, I like the black & red color scheme. You know when teams decide to field an alternate uniform, but a lot of the time it's just the same uniform except black (ahem, Detroit Lions)? I don't care for that look. See, the Bulls actually have black as a primary part of their regular color scheme, so I give them a pass.
1)San Francisco Giants -- Kind of like the general "all-time favorite song" category, I've switched my #1 ranking from time to time, but the Giants uniforms have held onto the top spot for quite a while. Where to begin? For starters, the primary logo. Interlocking letters are such a plus, yet they're so subtle that they often go overlooked. If a good uniform is akin to a hot Reuben sandwich, then the use of interlocking letters is like a garlic-soaked Kosher pickle on the side. Do you absolutely need it? Nah. But does the whole experience taste that much better when it's there? You bet your sweet, juicy ass. Added bonus: "F" and "S" are the two letters that start two great cuss words. That provides a great benefit to Giants fans if they're ever bored at a game (read: every single game not pitched by Tim Lincecum). Switching gears from rambling to stuff that makes sense, let's talk about orange and black as a color scheme. Orange and black is perhaps most closely associated with Halloween. Rightly so, I might add. However, the color scheme is so underused, underrated, and generally relegated to afterthought that the few teams that do use it (Giants, Flyers, Bengals, Orioles, Oregon State) tend to stand out amongst the more generic schemes. Plus, who doesn't remember Halloween with fond memories? Add to that the gorgeous typeface they use, and you're looking at a mighty fine get-up to play some ball in. Kudos to the S.F. Giants. They may make awful trades that eventually end up making the other teams in the Tigers' division better, but damn if they don't have what I consider to be the best uniform in sports.
// Well, that's it for the week. 1 post. I'm like the Cal Ripken of blogging. And by Cal Ripken, I mean Carl Pavano. Late!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
What The Eff Is Going On?!?
// If - like me - you have a list titled "Things I Doubt I'll Ever See", get out your favorite #2 and sharpen that baby up, we're gonna do a cross-off. Seriously, a fight in a WNBA game? What's next, Dane Cook making a movie that doesn't blow without mercy? I really am in shock (pun!) that this went on. Let me explain that point: I'm not saying that women can't fight. Surely The Jerry Springer Show, Rock of Love 2, and the time I visited my buddy Kevin for U-M's Mud Bowl prove otherwise. Those KKGs can scrape with the best of them. The point is: get some girls mad enough, there's gonna be some fisticuffs. What I'm saying is that I didn't expect to see this level of brawling in women's pro sports. I've always held this theory about women's athletics: in high school, the female teams that do the best aren't always the most athletic ones. At that level, I think it boils down to which girls are comfortable enough being pedal-to-the-metal aggressive. Obviously, in the later brackets of a high school tournament and the subsequent levels thereafter, this is not the case. Those simple beginnings, however, leave a palpable residue over women's sports. Which - and don't bust my chops too hard on this one - interest in women's sports just isn't as high as men's. There doesn't seem to be that level of "I hate you so much, even if you do end up beating me on the court, I'm just going to punch you in the teeth" kind of intensity, y'know? This brawl - at least for me - kind of shattered that notion.
The Winners: First of all, the WNBA. The old adage goes, "There's no such thing as bad press." Perhaps that's a bit of a reach in the generalization department, but it works in this scenario. Case in point: today - for the first time in my life - I watched SportsCenter for the purpose of hearing about the WNBA, I YouTubed a WNBA-related incident, and I scoured several different news outlets to try and understand what really happened. Never before has this happened, and aside from the fallout stories that stem from the incident, I'm dubious this will happen again. The fact remains: the WNBA has never been remotely close to being a financial success, and a big part of that problem is its underexposure. This chicanery can help change that, if only in the immediate term. The other winner from this incident, sadly, is ESPN. Those mother effers. The next Shock-Sparks game will probably garner some of the highest ratings in league history, and ESPN will reap the benefits. Although I guess I'll concede that the coming ratings success is perhaps due to ESPN. They've stuck with this league from day one, and haven't ever really wavered in their support. So I guess good for them. They're still annoying.
The Losers: I wanna start my dissection of Rick Mahorn with a story. I was at U of Detroit-Mercy, watching my man Zach play some ball. Mahorn just happened to be doing the color for FSN's broadcast of that nights game (might've been a Butler game). After the game, the boys and I are milling about the concourse, waiting for Zach to come out of the locker room so we can start our night of licentiousness and get the hell away from McNichols and Livernois. My buddy Man-Flow decides we should go onto the court and say "hey guy!" to Rick Mahorn. The same Rick Mahorn that the Pistons used to use to clothesline the one good white guy on every NBA team during the Bad Boy era (Craig Ehlo, Scott Skiles, Tom Chambers, etc.). Anyways, we head out onto the court and sidle on up to Mahorn. After a moment of looking at each other like we just peed our pants, I muster up the gumption to say, "Hey, what's up Rick? I'm Mike Honer. I'm a big fan!" After a moment or two that lasted longer than a siamese twin separation surgery, Mahorn finally delivers his response, "Ho." One of two possibilities here. Either A) Mahorn's slow response was facilitated by his slow conjuring of the new nickname he would bequeath to me, "Ho", or B) Mahorn decided - after deep thought - that he didn't like me or my smiley friend and was calling me a euphemism for a cheap prostitute. Regardless, that was my one and only encounter with Rick Mahorn, and it was about as pleasant as a hemorrhoid. Here's why Mahorn is a big loser: he disobeyed what I like to call The New Golden Rule. The old golden rule was "due unto others as you would have them do unto you". I like that a lot. It was a great rule. So great, in fact, that they called it "golden". The New Golden Rule is much simpler because it's more of a one-way street than a four-lane thoroughfare. The New Golden Rule: never, ever, ever hit girls. Judge from the video yourself, but the collective belief seems to be that Rick shoved Lisa Leslie to the ground. Add on top of that the fact that she had a baby barely a year ago, and there's no doubt: Mahorn is going to get run. Perhaps rightfully so. Unless he can show his own circumstances were extremely dire and he had no other recourse, the league is probably gonna smack him around like a very upset pimp would.
Other Minor Loser: Detroit sports. It wouldn't have felt right if a team from Seattle fought a team from Phoenix, right? Its always got to be Detroit vs. ______. I think it's neat, but know this: if an athlete ever comes into the stands I'm in, I will run faster than Speedy Gonzalez. Unless it's Carmelo Anthony. He's a chickensh*t (0:44 mark).
So that's all I got on Malice at the Palace II (Ladies Night!). Hasta luego.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Odds & Ends
// Quick Dark Knight Reset: I saw it again with my cousin on Monday night. I wanted to check and decide if my initial reaction was skewed from the sheer excitement and/or horniness I was feeling during my first viewing. I did the best I could to go in and look at the movie in a more critical light, not through fanboy goggles. I think I almost enjoyed it more the second time. I wasn't expending as much energy following the intricate plot details and I was able to focus on some of the subtleties that Heath Ledger and Aaron Eckhart brought to their villainous roles. By the way, if you haven't heard by now: Ledger is bona fide masterful as The Joker. There's just not any way to overstate it. Analogy: The way he flips back and forth from terrifying to hilarious is like he's bending out of a golf cart to pick up his ball on a fairway, but the way he incorporates The Joker's jovial/psychotic ranges and uses those broad strokes throughout the entire movie would be akin to him picking up the balls while driving that golf cart at 400 mph. Epic.
// It might be due to my own history as a sports mascot (Grosse Ile's first Red Devil, don'tcha know), but I find this to be one of the funnier virals I've seen in recent history.
I lose it every time when he flips the chair.
// Gummy Lighthouses. When candy design goes wrong. Seriously, wouldn't you think that someone at that company had at least once in their life been in a public restroom? Am I the only one using the restrooms with the dick drawings strewn about like confetti? And speaking of which, why is that funny? I'm not asking in the sense that I don't think it's funny. I think the occasional sketch of some crotch luggage is the highest of high comedy. Hilarious! But how come? Drawing a pair of cans never elicits the same uproar. Nor does the rare carton version of a lady's nether regions. Comparing those to penis drawings is like Pogs to Beanie Babies. Pogs were big and all... but Beanie Babies? No contest. What makes the cartoon penis so ubiquitous?
// I've never held it secret: I'm a Big Ten guy. I think the Big Ten is great, and everyone else I consider various degrees of not as great as the Big Ten. Misguided as this belief has been the past couple of years, I still love the Big Ten. While I abhor the SEC and have a slighter - but still formidable - degree of dislike for the ACC and the BIG XII, the Pac-10 is a conference I've never had a beef with. Maybe it's the whole Rose Bowl thing. Whatever the reason, I'm sad to report the unfortunate news that the world will probably be getting a little more sour on the Pac-10. More specifically, The University of Washington. I'll let the article speak for itself. Wait... I will say this: gross.
// My Life In a Cube. Wonderful blog. Very funny. And also, it's good if you're a moron because you barely have to read! Morons rejoice! The rest of us rejoice as well because it is pretty funny, but it's nice to see the morons win a battle every now and then.
// Here's actually another good link for people who don't like to read that much. The history of those "#1" foam fingers that your relatives get you at Christmas when they don't know anything about you other than you're a boy and there's a 50% chance you're a fan of the same teams as your Dad - to whom they've talked to about sports twice. Interesting side note: the high school mentioned in the article was the high school my buddy Danny Mac moved to after our sophomore year in high school. I wonder if he knew about this.
// Lastly, how often has this happened: you're getting a group picture, you're all set up, everybody smiles and... "WTF. Oh wait... dammit. The flash didn't... wait... oh crap am I taking a video?! I am! How do I turn this thing off-" Well, someone compiled a collection of these on YouTube. If that isn't stupid enough, consider this: SOMEONE ACTUALLY POSTED THESE EFFING THINGS. And if that's not stupid enough, consider this: I watched a couple, they're somehow a little entertaining, and I am now posting my favorite one.
No choice but to get it on.
Friday, July 18, 2008
I Had Nightmares
// Michigan's new away uniforms. I am LOVING the Rich Rodriguez era at Michigan so far. Such a terrible hire. In the year 2094, here's what I'll be telling my great-grandkids: "Back when I was your age, Michigan was one of the best programs in the country. They would regularly rack up a 10-win season like it was nobody's business! They were more repsected - and held in higher regard - than almost any other program in the nation." And then my grandkids will cry because they'll think I've gone crazy. Hear these words: the hiring of Rich Rodriguez is the first step on Wolverine Football's long, slow, inevitable journey into Vanderbilt territory. I am VERY excited about this.
// The whole nightmares thing: that's a lie. I didn't have nightmares about the Joker last night. I especially didn't have any where he sang songs and danced around me while I was tied up in a chair... naked. I did NOT have nightmares like that last night. Seriously though, go see Batman. Think about the expectations a geek like me would have for that movie. All the hype, all the hysteria; it was all over. All that was left was the movie, and none of that hype mattered anymore. It all came down to the simple question: would the movie disappoint or would it not disappoint? I had a pretty strong inclination to believe the movie would be at least good, I just hadn't considered it could be this mother effing good. The movie exceeded every single one of my expectations. I don't think I've ever had more fun sitting and watching something. Long story short: do yourself a favor, take a couple hours of "me time" today or tomorrow or Sunday and go see The Dark Knight. It can't be stressed enough how incredible this movie is.
// From the flip side of the coin (Two Face pun!): If you feel like getting angry, check out this trailer. Is there anything more infuriating than the dicks who put out these movies? Seriously, I'm asking. Is there? The answer... is yes. It's the effing people who go to the theatre and PAY MONEY TO SEE THESE PIECES OF SHIT. I want to find the jerk who directed all of these films abortions and kick him in the teeth. After you kick him in the teeth, you have to kick his kids - unfortunate, yes - so he understands that there are consequences to putting out movies that make our entire society slightly more dumb. Ass.
// Feeling sluggish? Can't get motivated? Are you in need of that "spark" that will jump-start your weekend debauchery? I was hungover Thursday morning and I heard this song in the background on some VH1 show. Jam it loud, and I dare you not to start dancing around your house like Kevin Kline in In & Out. You don't even have a choice! You MUST dance! Gotta love it.
// Have a good weekend, party people.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Happy Batman Day!
// Aaaahhhh!!!!!! I haven't been this excited for a movie since The Phantom Menace. I bought IMAX tickets for the midnight showing - like 3 weeks ago. In a related note, I don't have a girlfriend. Quickly - I have two things I want to share. The first is this picture:
// Secondly, a little advice: the next time you're at a party and there are toddlers and/or babies around, try this one. When you go up to the baby, introduce yourself like it's a formal business meeting. Shake the baby's hand, give him/her your full name. Say, "It's a pleasure to meet you..." It's good for a laugh like one every four times. Trust me, I've been doing this for like 8 years.
// Enjoy the weekend. I'll be seeing The Dark Knight and visiting my main man Jace in Atlanta. Holla!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Happy Belated 4th of July!
It's rare that I'm speechless, so I'll let Coug take us home.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Things That Bother Me
// Douchebag Neck - Why and how did the Bro population bring this look back into fruition? I had never given this idiotic excuse for dapper much thought until recently. While on my latest round of bar-capades, I was in the company - as more of a spectator than a tribesman - of an inordinately large number of Brosephs. Long story short: one of my buddies (non-Bro, natch) had a Bro friend who's Bro was celebrating something. And the Bro in question was celebrating what? Perhaps I'll never know but my working theories include A) he finally deciphered all the African-American colloquialisms in American Gangster, or B) after years of bad bounces, he graduated from having a "devil's threesome" to the more Bro-accepted standard 9th grade fantasy-model threesome in which the ladies outnumber the Broski. Regardless, a celebration was afoot. As I scoped the scene in what has to be mid-Michigan's most Brolicious night spot, I surmised that no less than 25 Bros were employing the neck line depicted above. The saturation was astounding; nearly 40% of all eligible parties were rickety-rockin' the look. (I had to deduct non-Bros, for their feeble minds could never fathom the idea of a neck line plunging south of the sternum.) Is it just me, or didn't an ultra low-hanging V-neck used to conjure up images of sweaty, nasty, moronically oblivious dirtbags? Like say you're in an art class, and the teacher asks to draw a caricature of an overworked, misogynistic, ethically ambiguous auto mechanic from Newark, wouldn't a too-low V-neck be part of that picture? So how did this get to be trendy? As much as I love the Bro culture, sometimes it produces a social moray that makes me shake my head in wonderment/disdain. In that way, it's eerily similar to country music. Phooey.
// Bothersome Two-fer: Sarah Jessica Parker and People Who Say "I'm sure he/she's a nice person..." - Before we get to Mrs. Matthew Broderick, I'll say this. She's probably a nice person. See that? See how I didn't say, "I'm sure she's a nice person"? That's because I'm not sure. So, from now on, when a person is about to say something disparaging about a famous person who they don't know on a personal level and they start with, "I'm sure he's a nice person, but..." STOP THEM. I know it's just semantics, but we have to make a stand. You, me, your friends, my neighbor, the too-drunk guy at open mic night; none of us know if these people we are speaking about are nice! They could be alcoholic baby hammer-throw enthusiasts for all we know! Even if you believe that most people are inherently nice, no one can say with any certainty - no matter how many US Weekly subscriptions we've renewed - that a certain celebrity is "nice". From now on, we are going to get real and switch it up to "She might be a nice person" or "He's probably a nice guy". OK, that's settled. As far as Parker is concerned, the question is very simple: who in the hell decided that this woman is a sex symbol? Is this what the new millennium is bringing us? Adolescent boys having fantasies about Sarah Jessica Parker? SHE LOOKS LIKE DEE SNIDER! This - in a nutshell - is the downside to the whole "everyone is beautiful" mantra that has been infiltrating the minds of America. I blame Christina Aguilera and that feel-goodery anthem she peddled when I was in high school. Words cant bring you down? Really? Well then let me look a little harder because I'm sure I can come up with some real soul-crushing whoppers if you'd just give me a minute. It might be hard to hear, but here is a fact of life: Not everyone is hot, and as soon as we accept that fact and start idolizing the pretty people again, the sooner I can go back to feeling sane. It's like one day I just broke out of a fog and people were considering Sarah Jessica Parker a hottie. I feel like I'm trapped in a poorly-written episode of The Twilight Zone.
// The National League - In all honesty, this has nothing to do with the fact that my favorite ball club is in the American League. If I was a Lakers fan during the early part of this decade, I would have the same feelings towards the Eastern Conference. Let's get real, NL. Allow a f*cking DH. I will never understand why they think a pitcher should be picking up the lumber. And before the laundry list of anti-DH rationale comes a-flowing, consider this: would you enjoy basketball as much if the 3-point line didn't exist? Or would it make sense if only half the teams had it on their court? In football, what if all the NFC teams left the goal posts at the front of the endzone? After another year of American League teams smacking around the Senior Circuit like a bunch of indebted prostitutes, it's become clear that the NL goofballs need to rethink their position on the DH rule. Not only are AL teams better at hitting overall (thereby getting a major advantage in the World Series after they inevitably win the All-Star Game), but the pitchers are - despite statistics - light years ahead of their NL competition. Yeah, NL pitchers traditionally rack up more Ks and have lower ERAs than the hurlers from the American League, but I'll never concede that they're better. Why? Because they get to face a freaking pitcher about twice a night. Two free outs every time out of the gate! The vast majority of these pitchers are either whiffers who can't hit when they try, or grizzled vets who really couldn't give two dooks if they kill a rally (our old friend Kenny Rogers). No more pitchers in the batter's box. I don't think Abner Doubleday will be offended.
// Click It or Ticket - The stupidest campaign since the live Burger King mascot, if only for the reason that it takes away from the valuable (loose term) time cops could be using to... y'know... stop actual crime. The focus of police should be to stop people from activities that have the potential to harm other people. I have to imagine that there's been an instance of a cop somewhere getting his dispatch call a shade too late because he was handing out a seat belt ticket to a guy who was late for work and forgot. The meth addict who was robbing the liquor store might have gotten away, but at least the 45-year-old father of three will think twice before he crosses Johnny Law again! Boo-yah! Here's the only way I can imagine "Click It or Ticket" proving its worth.
Fantasy Sequence: I'm at home and I'm relaxing on the couch after a busy day. Y'know what, honey? I haven't watched the news in a while. I think I'll check out what's happening in the greater Buffalo area today. Oh, no. There was an accident. Hey, sweetie? Could you please turn it up? The on-site reporter's voice as the volume gets louder: "...but the paramedics arrived too late. It all started when this 2006 Honda Civic slammed into the median at close to 70 miles per hour. While the car eventually stopped its uncontrollable spin, the carnage didn't end there. Witnesses say the driver, 29-year-old Bryce Palmer, wasn't wearing his seat belt. I'm not sure how, but that pretty much caused everything else. This tragic seventeen-car pileup could have easily been avoided if just one of these people were wearing their safety belts; a lesson that these families... (required overly-dramatic local news pause)... won't soon forget. Back to you in the studio."
No, I can't imagine it either. Police officers of Michigan and wherever else seat belts have become priority #1: Don't worry about it. If we happen to fly through our windshield and get an asphalt scone for lunch, it's one us, K? You're off the hook. Now go do something useful like busting up a 6-person get together where only some of the kids are 21.
// Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin: I've thought about this for a while, but I never could put my finger on what bothered me until now. Gwyneth, I'm going to assume - for the sake of argument - that you had to work hard to become the successful actress you are today. Chris, I'll apply the same assumption to your music career and the success of Coldplay. Do you think you'd be where you are today if your parents had named you Strawberry Paltrow? Or Kiwi Martin? Your talents would still be there, but the sheer ridiculousness of those names could drastically alter the path you've taken with your normal names. There could have been teasing at school. That one record executive or casting director who gave you your big break could have had second thoughts because you were named after a nutritious fruit. Perhaps he/she could have reasoned your parents were kinda nuts and you might be as well. Then where would you be? Gwyneth: after refusing to get breast augmentation for moral reasons, you were flushed out of the bottom of the porn industry. Chris: I'm not sure what else you could do, but I am sure that it wouldn't afford you the opportunity to dance around like a drunken Alzheimer's patient in an iPod commercial. My point is: if you'd been given what I'll call "abnormal" names, those names could have been indirectly responsible for denying you the good fortune you've earned. Thankfully for you, normal names were given. So why did you name your daughter Apple? First of all, I'm close to 100% sure that Apple is not a name. Secondly, even if by some miracle Apple is a name, I'm equally inclined to think that it's a guy's name. Regardless, the naming of a kid isn't some whimsical adventure for the parents. It's not like picking out the new shade of paint to be used in the foyer. The kid has to live with the name long after you've checked out. What I fear is that the worst part will happen long after the schoolyard teasing and the self-doubt cycles. When young Apple blossoms (PUN!) into a young woman and bears fruit (PUN AGAIN!) of her own, what will happen to the unreleased rage she's built up from living with her own ridiculous excuse for a name? You guessed it: she's going to name your grandson something even more insane. The cycle will continue for generations and generations until we finally hit rock bottom in 2561: "Check out the 2561 MTV Movie Awards! With appearances by: Piece of F*cking Sh*t Stupid Face-Lookin' Milky Way Rotten Vulture Carcass Paltrow-Martin..." So please, name the next one Kelly or something.
// That's all I got. Goodnight, Apollo, God of the Sun.
