What The Eff Is Going On?!?

// If - like me - you have a list titled "Things I Doubt I'll Ever See", get out your favorite #2 and sharpen that baby up, we're gonna do a cross-off. Seriously, a fight in a WNBA game? What's next, Dane Cook making a movie that doesn't blow without mercy? I really am in shock (pun!) that this went on. Let me explain that point: I'm not saying that women can't fight. Surely The Jerry Springer Show, Rock of Love 2, and the time I visited my buddy Kevin for U-M's Mud Bowl prove otherwise. Those KKGs can scrape with the best of them. The point is: get some girls mad enough, there's gonna be some fisticuffs. What I'm saying is that I didn't expect to see this level of brawling in women's pro sports. I've always held this theory about women's athletics: in high school, the female teams that do the best aren't always the most athletic ones. At that level, I think it boils down to which girls are comfortable enough being pedal-to-the-metal aggressive. Obviously, in the later brackets of a high school tournament and the subsequent levels thereafter, this is not the case. Those simple beginnings, however, leave a palpable residue over women's sports. Which - and don't bust my chops too hard on this one - interest in women's sports just isn't as high as men's. There doesn't seem to be that level of "I hate you so much, even if you do end up beating me on the court, I'm just going to punch you in the teeth" kind of intensity, y'know? This brawl - at least for me - kind of shattered that notion.

The Winners: First of all, the WNBA. The old adage goes, "There's no such thing as bad press." Perhaps that's a bit of a reach in the generalization department, but it works in this scenario. Case in point: today - for the first time in my life - I watched SportsCenter for the purpose of hearing about the WNBA, I YouTubed a WNBA-related incident, and I scoured several different news outlets to try and understand what really happened. Never before has this happened, and aside from the fallout stories that stem from the incident, I'm dubious this will happen again. The fact remains: the WNBA has never been remotely close to being a financial success, and a big part of that problem is its underexposure. This chicanery can help change that, if only in the immediate term. The other winner from this incident, sadly, is ESPN. Those mother effers. The next Shock-Sparks game will probably garner some of the highest ratings in league history, and ESPN will reap the benefits. Although I guess I'll concede that the coming ratings success is perhaps due to ESPN. They've stuck with this league from day one, and haven't ever really wavered in their support. So I guess good for them. They're still annoying.

The Losers: I wanna start my dissection of Rick Mahorn with a story. I was at U of Detroit-Mercy, watching my man Zach play some ball. Mahorn just happened to be doing the color for FSN's broadcast of that nights game (might've been a Butler game). After the game, the boys and I are milling about the concourse, waiting for Zach to come out of the locker room so we can start our night of licentiousness and get the hell away from McNichols and Livernois. My buddy Man-Flow decides we should go onto the court and say "hey guy!" to Rick Mahorn. The same Rick Mahorn that the Pistons used to use to clothesline the one good white guy on every NBA team during the Bad Boy era (Craig Ehlo, Scott Skiles, Tom Chambers, etc.). Anyways, we head out onto the court and sidle on up to Mahorn. After a moment of looking at each other like we just peed our pants, I muster up the gumption to say, "Hey, what's up Rick? I'm Mike Honer. I'm a big fan!" After a moment or two that lasted longer than a siamese twin separation surgery, Mahorn finally delivers his response, "Ho." One of two possibilities here. Either A) Mahorn's slow response was facilitated by his slow conjuring of the new nickname he would bequeath to me, "Ho", or B) Mahorn decided - after deep thought - that he didn't like me or my smiley friend and was calling me a euphemism for a cheap prostitute. Regardless, that was my one and only encounter with Rick Mahorn, and it was about as pleasant as a hemorrhoid. Here's why Mahorn is a big loser: he disobeyed what I like to call The New Golden Rule. The old golden rule was "due unto others as you would have them do unto you". I like that a lot. It was a great rule. So great, in fact, that they called it "golden". The New Golden Rule is much simpler because it's more of a one-way street than a four-lane thoroughfare. The New Golden Rule: never, ever, ever hit girls. Judge from the video yourself, but the collective belief seems to be that Rick shoved Lisa Leslie to the ground. Add on top of that the fact that she had a baby barely a year ago, and there's no doubt: Mahorn is going to get run. Perhaps rightfully so. Unless he can show his own circumstances were extremely dire and he had no other recourse, the league is probably gonna smack him around like a very upset pimp would.

Other Minor Loser: Detroit sports. It wouldn't have felt right if a team from Seattle fought a team from Phoenix, right? Its always got to be Detroit vs. ______. I think it's neat, but know this: if an athlete ever comes into the stands I'm in, I will run faster than Speedy Gonzalez. Unless it's Carmelo Anthony. He's a chickensh*t (0:44 mark).

So that's all I got on Malice at the Palace II (Ladies Night!). Hasta luego.