College Football Blowout & Week 1 Picks

// I had to wear a hoodie as I walked to class on the first day of school. That chill in the early autumn air sends an unmistakable message: football season is upon us. In my mind, the opening weekend of college football is second only to baseball's opening day in terms of season-beginning holidays. One is hard-pressed to find a more succinct slice of Americana. Allow me to paint a picture. You plan ahead and hit yourself with a 6 AM wake-up, with your adrenaline as the only weapon in your arsenal against the wicked hangover from Friday night. Staggering to the can, you mix in a hot shower accompanied by a super-cheap, ice-cold beer. The wardrobe is simultaneously simple and beautiful; your favorite tee, your lucky boxers, the pair of jeans you don't mind getting some mud on, and the most broken-in sneakers you've ever seen. Those first couple of steps outside into the brisk fall air function as a veritable buffet line for the senses. The faint smell of grills and foliage are so subtle they're almost a treat to find. You can almost hear your school's fight song in your head as you make your way towards your tailgate of choice. The excitement is so palpable it's hard not to scream in elation. Truthfully, there is nary a better feeling in the world than waking up on an autumn Saturday and preparing for a glorious day of college football.

Now that we're in the right mood, let's get to it: it's time for a preview of the college football season, MNStream style. We're going to do deeper than the players and teams. After all, college football is about so much more than that. I don't want to get to Zen on you, but the sport is bigger than the sport. The day wouldn't exist without the 11 guys on the gridiron, but the games wouldn't be the same without the accouterment that accompanies the experience. Let's break down the business end first, then get into some of the nuances. I'm gonna go through the conferences in a very scientific order: how much they matter to me. So, without further ado...

Big East

+ I can dig the Big East, I guess. The conference was left for dead after the BC/VT/Miami(FL) defections to the ACC, only to bounce back into a respectability that probably surpasses the thieving conference. There are legit-quality teams with some red-hot coaching names (Brian Kelly, Greg Schiano, Randy Edsall). That said, the Big East is still like the NL West of CFB, the conference equivalent of something a dude thinks of during sex so he can prolong the session.

+ Conference Champ: West Virginia - There's no real reason to think otherwise. They won't be as good as they were in very recent years, but I don't think Pitt or South Florida is improved enough to dethrone a team still chock-full of RichRod recruits led by the two most dynamic playmakers in the conference: Pat White and Noel Devine. Put down WestVa as a (very) dark horse team to go undefeated. 

+ Non-Obvious Player to Watch: John Baldwin, WR, Pitt - He's non-obvious because he's a true freshie. Baldwin was recruited by the traditional heavies, including UofM and USC, but chose to stay home. I can dig that. The dude has a Calvin Johnson-esque frame and can fly. In a conference not known for stingy defenses, you might see some special highlights of this cat.

+ Best Coach: Brian Kelly, Cincinnati - I had/have a bunch of friends at Central Michigan, and I'm happy to see them have a really good team. Kelly is responsible for most of that, and he spent his first year at Cinci the same way he left Central: coaching well. After RichRod's disastrous 3-year term at Michigan, I'd expect Kelly to be the head candidate to coach in Ann Arbor. 

+ Best Uniforms: Syracuse - I think these are absolutely gorgeous. The big block S, the shoulder stripes, the very nice-looking orange & navy scheme; their team may suck to high heaven, but they look very nice playing football.

+ Neatest Tradition: It's cliché - no doubt about it - but I love it when West Virginia fans get together for a raucous chorus of Take Me Home, Country Roads by John Denver. If I was a WestVa man and my team just won a close game and that song came on, there'd be no lawyer on Earth who would represent me in the aftermath. 

Atlantic Coast Conference

+ My thing with the ACC is this: they bring nothing to the table. That's not the worse thing you can say about a conference (or a guy in a group of friends, as is often the case), but in a sense it is more disparaging to say someone "brings nothing to the table" than it is to just call someone a jerk. Give me something, ACC. I feel like the entire conference could cease to exist tomorrow and I wouldn't care for more than 4 seconds. Still, a season preview wouldn't be complete if I ignored twelve teams.

+ Conference Champ: Virginia Tech - About 90% of pundits who get paid to write things like this (but much better) are picking Clemson. To that I say, "Phooey." I'm pretty decent at admitting when I'm wrong in cases similar to this. Count me amongst the people who thought the Bears would beat the Peyton and the Colts in Super Bowl XLI, and the people who thought Mickelson would never win a major, and the people who thought I'd never lose my V card. I always pick against consistent chokers until they prove - even if it's just once - that they have the sand to get nasty when it counts. 

+ Non-Obvious Player to Watch: Hakeem Nicks, WR, UNC - Yes, another WR. Check out this video of Nicks putting in heavy work against the Irish. Hakeem Nicks is - in the purest sense - an excellent all-around receiver; one of those guys who makes you smile and realize how fun it is to watch a good football player. He reminds me of Amani Toomer.

+ Best Coach: Jim Grobe, Wake Forest - He's turned Wake Forest into a conference title contender. Wake Forest. That's really beyond impressive. I wish he'd stay with Wake Forest for a couple decades and turn them into a always-decent type team. Unfortunately, methinks Mr. Grobe will be headed for greener pastures after another quality season with the Deacs.

+ Best Uniforms: Georgia Tech Goldenrod Alternates - This conference is full of uniforms that are exactly like the teams they represent. They all elicit the same response: meh. But when GT breaks out these babies (sometimes against UGA and 2 years ago against ND), I get antsy in my pantsy. Dig the white helmet.

+ Neatest Tradition: At Clemson, they touch Howard's Rock. Like all things ACC, meh. I like to mix in a little un-PC element into football traditions. Ergo, FSU's Chief Osceola. He runs around, hoots and hollers, and eventual throws his garish spear into the ground. Obviously, this is what Native Americans have always wanted. By the way you guys, sorry for stealing the country from you.

BIG XII

+ Most CFB enthusiasts agree that the Big XII has the best quarterbacks of any conference. You'll find no argument here. On the strength of those arms, the Big XII might prove by the end of the season that it's the country's best conference. At first look, Oklahoma looks to be the overwhelming favorite, but a deeper look reveals more than a couple teams that have the potential to make a run at the Sooners. Texas Tech, Texas, Missouri, and maybe even Kansas might have the gumption to steal the thunder from Bob Stoops' boys. This should be a fun conference to watch.

+ Conference Champ: Oklahoma - Oh, sweet irony! I pick the exact team I just said could have some trouble to win! There's a method to my madness. Oklahoma is just too stacked for me not to play the odds and pick them to win the conference. They have plenty of returning starters on the line and perhaps one of the best set of backs and receivers in the country. Mark it.

+ Non-Obvious Player to Watch: Duke Robinson, LG, Oklahoma - I used to watch football like 95% of America, by following the ball and/or the guy carrying it. While that's obviously the easiest way, it's also very fun to single out a lineman/linebacker/defensive back/whatever. On a team with such a balanced offense, watching Robinson as a run blocker is truly a sight. He dominates in close quarters almost as good as Jake Long, albeit from an interior position.

+ Best Coach: Bob Stoops, Oklahoma - I'm really giving oral to OU now. Still, there are few in the country that combine recruiting prowess and football knowledge like the revered Sooners coach. Even though he's earned the label as a big-game choker as of late, I still consider him one of the best coaches of my lifetime.

+ Best Uniforms: Iowa State - Simple. Elegant. A drastic improvement over their old chicken-inside-a-tornado logo, the new ISU uniforms are wonderful. Much like Syracuse, they employ a great set of shoulder stripes. Also like Syracuse, they employ football players who aren't very good at playing football.

+ Neatest Tradition: Texas Tech's "Guns Up" - Although the dude who portrays said Raider looks a little bit like a homosexual Zorro, I applaud the use of dangerous weapons as symbols of team spirit. Remember when we had the Washington Bullets? How much better is that than the Washington Wizards? Harry Potter idiots fanboys aside, I think people would agree that Bullets is cooler than Wizards.

Pacific 10

+ There's loads of talent this year in the Pac-10, and although the gap is being closed (at a snail's pace), USC is still far and away the best team in the conference. USC's second team would probably be the favorite in this conference. That's not hyperbole, I actually mean that. While Arizona State and others are getting better, the Trojans remain elite in every sense of the word. If I had to bet my life on something, it'd be a hard pick between the sun rising tomorrow and USC winning the Pac-10.

+ Conference Champ: Southern Cal - Again, there's no question here. ASU might give the Trojans a decent game, but with their talented (if unproven) offense and 1970s Steelers-esque defense, USC might not win by less than 14 points during their conference schedule. Their home date with the Buckeyes will feature about 10-15 first-day draft picks. On a related note, what is going on in my trousers?

+ Best Coach: Pete Carroll, USC - He looks a lot like one of my best friend's Dad, in case you were wondering. I believe that Pete Carroll is the best college football coach in the country. He reloads his teams like nobody since Bobby Bowden and Florida State in the early 90s. On top of that, he shows HUGE sand on the big stage and draws up game plans that are second to none. The rest of the Pac-10 should just throw in the towel until he gets bit by the NFL bug (which doesn't look like it's happening soon).

+ Non-Obvious Player to Watch: Jahvid Best, RB, Cal - My Spartans play the Golden Bears in 2 days, and I am absolutely petrified of Jahvid Best. He runs the 100-meter dash in 10.31 (source). If he trained for track, he'd probably be an Olympian. And since he's a running back, he might not drop the baton (zing). Pray that he blazes up a blunt on Saturday afternoon before kickoff. 

+ Best Uniforms: USC - In addition to their pristine record on the gridiron, USC has incredible uniforms. It should be obvious now that I have a proclivity for shoulder stripes. USC is no exception there. A subtle detail that I think - not to get too 90s on you - rocks the house is the gray facemask. I'm not even sure why, but the gray facemask makes me think smile. The Colts also utilize gray on their facemasks, which are my favorite in the NFL.

+ Neatest Tradition: I know other teams do it, but the hysterical atmosphere of Autzen Stadium makes Oregon's use of a diesel truck horn after a score seem cooler than anyone else's. In a tight game, the sheer decibels of the horn can kick the crowd into that extra gear. In a blowout, the fart-y quality conveys a sense of dominance, like giving your opponent a Dutch oven. (side note: I thought for ~5 minutes about taking the Dutch oven reference out, but I decided the greatness of the analogy overweighed the grossness)

The Southeastern Conference

+ Kevin talked about how much they suck earlier, and I couldn't agree more... in the academic field. The story on the gridiron, however, is much different. I hate admitting it, but it's been very true for the last 4-5 years: The SEC right now is the best football conference in the country. Ugh. That made me shiver just writing that. That said, here's what I say to the SEC: football in warm weather is for sissies. Football was born in cold weather, was meant to be played in cold weather, and should remain dominated by creatures of cold weather. Namely, the big nasties we grow up here in Big Ten country. The SEC is full of a bunch of cocky sissies who win bowl games because they play in nice, warm weather all year. Put some outdoor bowl games up in Chicago or Philadelphia. We'll see how much these show-boating dicks like football when it's so cold it hurts to breathe. Punks. By the way, you know what I like about being a Big Ten guy? Learning things.

+ Conference Champ: Florida - I pick Florida because A) I think the SEC East is the stronger division, B) Whoever comes out of the East (UF or UGA) will beat whoever comes out of the West (LSU or Auburn), and C) Florida has the two best "skill position" players in the country. I put "skill position" in quotes because - prepare for elitist statement - I appreciate the level of thinking and skill involved in being a modern lineman. Anyway, Florida's hiccup against Georgia last year was an anomaly in between Florida's absolute dominance of The Rivalry Formerly Known as The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. They'll get it done this year. A BCS title berth? I doubt it, unless SEC coaches are really, really, really, really, really, really prone to whining about rankings. Oh, wait a sec...

+ Best Coach: Nick Saban, Alabama - Yes, Urban Meyer is outstanding. Yes, this a little bit of a homer pick because Saban was my hero in the late 90s. Those facts notwithstanding, Saban is an A+ recruiter and has a sterling resumé in the college ranks. Etch it in stone: in 3 years or less, Alabama will go to a BCS title game undefeated. Saban. Dig it.

+ Non-Obvious Player to Watch: Julio Jones, WR, Alabama - One of the prized bulls from Saban's 2008 class, Jones is a young MAN. By that I mean while he is young, he is a MAN. His hype might make my non-obvious choice a somewhat obvious choice, but screw it. Remember his name and hope he doesn't get into trouble (not that SEC guys get into huge trouble or anything). He'll be a joy to watch for a long time.

+ Best Uniforms: Arkansas - Alabama and LSU are the most heralded, but the Razorbacks have some great things working for them. A complex logo that not every ADHD-riddled 7-year-old can draw, simple lines, and the cherry on top: their quarterback's last name. DICK. Case closed.

+ Neatest Tradition: The only conference that rivals the Big Ten in the tradition department, the SEC has a hyper-rich history of things that don't make sense to those who aren't fans. My personal favorite is kind of a combo: Neyland Stadium, home of the Tennessee Volunteers. The checkerboard endzone, the Volunteer Navy, and one of the greatest fights songs out there: Rocky Top.

+ Absolutely Stupid: I included this because - big shocker - I abhor the SEC. Their mascots are as follows: a tiger, a pig with tusks, another tiger, bloody water (somehow represented by an elephant), an officer in the Confederate Army who probably owned slaves and supported slavery, a bulldog, a railroad magnate's nickname, another bulldog, a bunch of guys who volunteered (somehow represented by a dog), a rooster used for illegal cock-fight purposes, a wildcat, and an alligator. Not only do we have some in-conference repeats (and in the South, the Land of Creative Thinking! How could that be?), but the other mascots are racists and exploited, possibly tortured animals. I don't think this is what Mellencamp was singing about when he sand, "This is oooouuurrrr country..."

The Big Ten

+ Oh, the glory that is Big Ten football. I'll save the majority of my swooning for my "me time", suffice it to say I love this conference. This year, the Big Ten has an almost-USC type of dominant team, and it's once again Ohio State. The Buckeyes have lost a little luster as of late (give myself a high-five for decent alliteration) per their back-to-back losses in the BCS title game. Regardless, they still remain head and shoulders above the rest of the conference. They'll start 3 guaranteed (barring injury) high first-round draft picks, and many other NFL quality players fill out their roster. Also, check out OSU's most hyped recruit in history, Terrelle Pryor. I haven't been this excited to watch a guy play for a team I didn't like in a long time. UofM's Pryor is Sam McGuffie, a white running back looking to become the first white running back ever to juke out a black defensive back instead of just running him over. Elsewhere in Big Ten country, Penn State looks to be the Buckeye's only (semi)challenge to the crown. My Spartans are poised for a nice season; I myself am looking at 8-4 as a reasonable goal. Wisconsin and Purdue will also be strong again. The goal of the Big Ten should be simple: beat up on each other nice and good so we can go out and kick the SEC's barely-literate asses in the bowl season. 

+ Conference Champ: OSU - I think I covered that enough. I really don't like Ohio State until their bowl game.

+ Best Coach Not Named Jim Tressel: Mark Dantonio, Michigan State - Just one step ahead of Ron Zook and Bret Bielema, The Doctor (b/c his initials are MD, see how clever we are at MSU?) is truly a Big Ten guy. He runs the crap out of the ball - almost always between the tackles - and he preaches the brand of nasty defense that's synonymous with great programs. As an added plus, he can recruit the crap out of folks and bring in top-level talent to an historically second-tier program. Take note, mother effers.

+ Non-Obvious Player to Watch: Tyrell Sutton, RB, Northwestern - It's a shame he's not on a better team because Sutton is an incredible running back. He has very good vision and cutting ability. I believe that if he ran behind a quality O-line, he could break 1,800 yards in a season. In my mind, Tyrell Sutton will be a late-round NFL draft steal a lá Willie Parker.

+ Worst Uniform: Northwestern - I already covered best uniform a while back (Michigan), so I thought I'd take a moment and point out how horrendous these uniforms look to me. It's embarrassing to be in the same conference as a program who would don such crap-tastic garb. Two quick things here. #1: Are you kidding me with those numbers? Were they done in freehand? #2: Purple Jersey + Purple Pants = Bottle of Grape Dimetapp. Next.

+ Neatest Tradition: The Trophies - Throughout the Big Ten, the trophies at stake in the illustrious rivalry games are better than anywhere else in the country. Teams play for a bronzed pig, an axe, a jug of water, a turtle, and a bucket in which old codgers used to spit tobacco. The trophies form a garden, and I can dig it.

// That's what we got to get you revved up for the CFB season. Now, on to the week 1 picks. Normally, I'll try and throw in a little blurb about why I made the picks the way I did, but I've been typing for a while now and you'll have to use your imagination this week. Home teams in ALL CAPS.

College Football Picks - Week of 8/30/08

* EAST CAROLINA (+9.5) over Virginia Tech *

* Southern Cal (-20) over VIRGINIA *

* Michigan State (+4.5) over CALIFORNIA *

* MISSOURI (-9.5) over Illinois *

* Lock of the Week: MICHIGAN (-3.5) over Utah *