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Apparently Our Blog Still Works
What up, streamers. Please excuse the ridiculously long absence. St. Patty's weekend - immediately followed by Easter weekend - took such a toll on my liver. I think somewhere around 10 PM on March 17th, alcohol just got bored with the competition. For booze, beating my liver was becoming too easy, so it decided to up the difficulty level (yes, exactly like in Madden) and began to destroy my other organs/muscles/neurons/morals. We're going to try and ease back into consistent blogging like an old woman eases into a too-hot bathtub. I'll take a moment for you to soak up that mental image.... done?.... OK.
Over the next few months, M A I N S T R E A M will share with you a collection of hilariously titled science experiments and the idiots who put them together. The series will be called Young Idiots & Their Science Experiments. Once I decided on the content, the title just came to me. Weird. It will run on Wednesdays. Without further ado... Part One:
Crystal Meth: Friend or Foe?
In my current state of being - still in college, no job, immature, way too awesome for words - there are many reasons not to have children. I've always assumed, however, that eventually I'd like to knock out a couple half-Mikes (the official name of all my coming children) so the world can experience at least a part of me once I'm gone. I figure I owe it to society. These two ladies above are part of what scares me about having children at any age. I'd like to know what school district these two are enrolled in and move to the polar opposite point on the globe and start my family there. Crystal Meth: Friend or Foe? Are you kidding me? I can't imagine a life where this question needs even a second's thought, let alone a poorly-conceived science project. And how did they do their research? What did they tell the principal? After recess they'd approach their science teacher in the hall, "Sir, our findings show that while crystal meth has detrimental health effects and destroys the lives of everyone who touches it, IT IS AN AWESOME TIME!!!! Or... so we've heard." The girl on the left looks like she's part of the popular clique and exchanges naughty favors on the school bus for weed. She's probably the one voting in the "friend" column. At least until the government takes her children in 5 years. The one on the right isn't emaciated yet, but that's probably because she's just starting her wonderful meth journey. Even so, she might be swayed to the "foe" side. Judging by her Mephisto-esque soulless gaze, I would say she only votes two things as "friend": White Castle and Kim Mathers. But that's just me. I just don't get how there can even be a debate about the merits of a substance that has nothing but dire effects for the user. Then again, I am a smoker. THE LINK DUMP: + The National Highway System (Simplified) If you're going from big city to big city, this is pretty much all you need. I kinda wish America was shaped like a big rectangle. With a tiny island for me and my friends. Although it'd have to be a decent sized island. Seriously, I have A LOT of friends. + EW's 16 "Dare You To Watch" Movie Scenes Perhaps they should've added that scene in Failure to Launch where you see Terry Bradshaw's bare ass. I dare any man to watch that and not become strangely addicted to Fox NFL Sundays. + Celebrities Without Necks This is why the Adobe people made Photoshop. I think this would be cool if it actually happened. Hollywood needs to be knocked down a peg or two. I'm looking at you, Miley Cyrus. You and your self-righteous head games. + Candy Bar ID Quiz Just a time waster, nothing more. Enjoy your day at work, friends with jobs! I'll be drunk just after noon!
My New Beat, Sheek Louch - Good Love
Who Votes For These?
I’ve had an Xbox 360 for awhile now, but always kept it at home while I was at school, mainly so it wouldn’t get broken/stolen. However, I was at home recently and decided hey I’m pulling down decent bucks why not go all out and take it to school, and that’s what I did. I set it up and had a decent time wasting away a couple hours here and there playing Halo 3 and Madden. I  never connected it to the internet, mainly because at home we have a landline and a cord wouldn’t fit to the TV. I was going to set it up at school but we have wireless, and you need to get a wireless adapter for the 360 which costs like $100… bleh. However, through some research I found out that you can directly hook up the 360 to your computer and then it can share the internet with it… nice. So the last couple of nights I’ve been hitting the bottle while talking smack to 15 year old kids playing Halo 3 (it comes with a headset). That was fun for awhile, but then I realized that since the 360 is hooked up to my computer, my computer can stream media to the 360 and put it on the TV. This was great news for me because for awhile now I’ve been downloading movies and tv series, such as Entourage and 24, and been watching them on my computer. To do this you just have to go to thepiratebay.org and have a program called Azureus. They have pretty good quality movies and practically no malicious programs or spyware. I don’t have a DVD burner so I’ve been forced to watch these movies that I’ve downloaded on a rather small monitor in a precarious sitting position. …Anyways, long story short I can now download movies and watch them on my TV. What’s my point? I’ve recently watched movies that I would normally not go out and rent, mainly because I think I already have a pretty good idea of what the movie is going to be like, and don’t want to waste money on it. So recently I’ve watched Hitman, Juno, and No Country for Old Men. Hitman actually surprised me. I figured, probably like most people, that it would be a Vin Diesel XxX type movie with horrible dialogue, horrible acting, and a stupid plot. Considering it is a movie based on a videogame, the dialogue, acting, and the plot were all pretty decent. For a movie that I thought was totally going to suck, I came away from it with a ‘eh… not bad’. It was the two Oscar winning movies that really disappointed me. I’ve heard a lot of good things about Juno from my friends and reviews, some of whom called it one the funniest movies ever. …Really? The funniest movie ever? I didn’t laugh once during the movie, not even a smirk. The movie is about teen pregnancy and divorce, how funny can it be? Maybe, it’s because people are still riding the Michael Cera wave off of Superbad and think that whatever movie he is going to be in will be hilarious, but trust me, not that funny.  No Country for Old Men won the Oscar for Best Picture, so I was pretty pumped to watch it. From the trailers I gathered that it would be a “The Departed” “We Own the Night” type movie only set in the Wild West with some good old fashion violence and a great story. It was more the former then the latter. Basically the story is these guys chase each other around the entire movie, in which the action and intensity were actually pretty good, and eventually one guy kills the other… that’s it. It doesn’t even have an ending per se, it’s more like the movie just ends. I hate movies that do that. It’s like the writer / director were saying movie endings are for Justin Timberlake and conformist, you just don't know what real pain is (in goth kid voice). How this movie got Best Picture I have no idea. Who votes for these? This makes me worried to watch ‘There Will Be Blood’, I might just wait until Hitman 2 comes out.
2008 Baseball Predictions
West - Arizona Diamondbacks Central - Chicago Cubs East - New York Mets Wild Card - Philadelphia Phillies American League West - Los Angeles Angels Central - Detroit Tigers East - Boston Red Sox Wild Card - New York Yankees World Series Detroit Tigers vs. Chicago Cubs (Detroit in 5)
Devil's Advocate March Madness Special: Do Drugs!
The History of Bro - Part One: Past Attire
What is a Bro? Like many of God's greatest creations, Bro is hard to define. There are so many facets of the Bro-cial diamond that only the most learned scholars dare attempt to define such glory with mortal words. What follows is the first part of an ongoing series in which the M A I N S T R E A M will dissect and analyze the defining spirit of our modern times: The Bro.
Part One: Past Attire of The Bro.
Human beings have long been atop the animal kingdom because of one truth: we have the ability to reason. Long ago, cavemen decided that weighing their options and analyzing opportunity costs (thanks high school economics class) led to better outcomes than acting on instinct alone.  One caveman probably said to the other, "Hey Ron, don't just go running around like an idiot looking for gazelles and shit. Think about the best times of the day to go so it's less likely you'll be eaten by some big animal we don't even know about! Mom would be pissed! Use your brain, Ronald!" Reason is a big part of what makes us human. Peanut better tastes good. Jelly tastes good. OMG what if we put them together and then put bread on both sides?!? Mother of God. Anyway, somewhere along our homosapien timeline, reason "got served" by history's first Bros. In the Bro's primitive (albeit brilliant) mindset, reason wasn't being used to its fullest potential. From this theory came the first of many Bro Creeds: reason without reason. Clothing was the first social tenet to be Bro-hanced.
+ The Fleece Vest The Fleece Vest (or "tech vest" in the parlance of our time) is perhaps the finest example of the Bro Creed reason without reason.  Mere mortals can hardly fathom the magnitude of the intelligence needed to conjure up this bastion of Bro-ivity. Hey, I'm kind of chilly. I should add another layer of clothing so my body will be warmer. But wait... my left sleeve has "A&F Water Polo #12" written on it. My extra layer would prevent people from noticing my roster spot on this absurdly fictional sports team. Now what? Isaac Newton only had it half right: with every Bro action comes an equally Bro reaction. Let's make vests that cover up the torso but leave the extremities in plain sight! Bro Emeritus Trip McNeely was skeptical. "But Bro... what if I'm rocking my 'Tell Your Girlfriend To Call Me' long sleeve tee? The graphic is on the chest!" No one said you have to zip it, Brahski. F*ck it.
+ The Levitating Collar In the realm of public perception, a Bro's feelings towards perceived SWEET-ness can be summed up in five words: too much is never enough.  For a Bro, quiet confidence is merely a stop on the journey towards the ultimate goal of extraodinarily loud, advertised (maybe false but who gives a flying F) confidence. To attract a mate ("chicks" in the Bro vernacular), one must stand out from the unforunately plain crowd of non-Bro peons. Drawing inspiration from the alpha peacock having the brightest display of feathers, The Council of Bros devised a way to not-so-subtly tell women, "HEY! If you're wondering which of us are awesome you can end that f*ckin' search right here!!" Although sitings are becoming increasingly rare, the popped collar still remains a stalwart of the Bro lifestyle (henceforth known as Brostyle).
+ The Constant Flip-Flop As the Brostyle spread across the globe, Bros became aware of a problem. Their awesomeness was too... umm... awesome to be kept private.  It wasn't long before non-Bro invalids began to emulate the Brostyle. To stay ahead of the pack, the guidelines of Bro became more intricate - and thus more difficult - to remember for a Bro. There is only so much free brain space in your standard model Bro, and most of that is reserved for lacrosse strategy and potential front-yard-of-the-frat-house furniture layouts for those "totally rad, just chill Saturdays". So The Council of Bros thought of a clever way for Bros to recall their latest attire mandate from headquarters: toes 'til it snows. It was not only brilliant, but it really embodied having reason without reason. Bros everywhere decided that flip-flops were no longer strictly summer fare. The new period of acceptable flip-flop use would stretch from the Ides of March until the first snowfall of the next school year. This stroke of Bro-daciousness would enable a Bro to wear his flip-flops for up to 9 months, even in temperate zones. As has been the case many times over, the Bros made the world a better place. They made us feel alive again.
+ The Trucker Hat The suspicious (arguably fake) self-deprecating nature of a Bro can lend itself to various clothing oddities.  Chief among these is the trucker hat. The trucker hat itself has a rich history. Finding itself tied down by its rural roots, the trucker hat had always yearned for a place in popular culture equal to that of its cousin The Normal Hat. Agricultural entrepreneurs have a long standing proclivity for trucker hats for one main reason: they get them for free when they BUY A TRACTOR THAT THEY NEED. In a classic example of reason without reason, the Bro community (Bromunity) adopted this look for their own designs. No longer would trucker hats be relegated to sitting atop a man named Jed's melon. They would soon grace the domes of Bro Legends Justin Timberlake, Ashton Kutcher, and 2005 Bro of the Year Kevin Federline. The power to lift an obscure, proletarian accessory into the forefront of international consciousness. That's the power of Bro.
In closing, I sincerely hope that you've enjoyed this brief tour of history. Please be mindful of the fact that we are only scratching the tip of the iceberg. In the future, we will touch on such topics as Bro Gear, Bro-on-Bro Crime, Bro & Female Response, and much more. Bro-ness isn't only about the Bros who live the dream, it's about all of us who get to enjoy the ride with them. If you or someone you know has a good yarn about a Bro siting/encounter, please feel free to share. The M A I N S T R E A M has a mission to inform our readership and broaden everyone's horizons. Only through open communication can we acheive the goals of this noble endeavor. Bro be with you. Late.
Top 5 Greatest U.S. Presidents
As this is an election year, and before we know it we will be voting for the next President of the United States, let us look back in history of the greatest Presidents that this nation has seen.
#5) President Tom Beck
Famous Quote: "Cities fall but they are rebuilt. Heroes die but they are remembered. Life will go on, we will prevail."
Beck's Presidency will forever be defined by the worst natural disaster in U.S. history. However, through Beck's message of hope and optimism we survived and rebuilt after a Comet struck Earth and wiped out the Eastern seaboard of the United States and most of Western Europe. We cannot hand pick Presidents that we want when events like this happen, but if we could do it again, Beck would still have my vote. The best attribute of President Beck was his honesty. He was very non-discrete and blunt about the effects that the that Comets would have upon Earth. Describing in detail the mega-tsunami that was looming in the future. Beck hoped for the best, but also planned for the worst... creating the first ever "Noah cave" where 1 million Americans would have shelter for two years after the Comet struck. However, it was not needed as President Beck commissioned the astronauts of the Messiah to kamikaze the larger Comet, which saved the rest of the world. Beck's presidency may be defined by disaster, but for those of us that survived, it was defined as hope in the face of despair.
#4) President James Marshall
Famous Quote: "Atrocity and terror are not political weapons. And to those who would use them, your day is over. We will never negotiate. We will no longer tolerate and we will no longer be afraid. It's your turn to be afraid."
 President Marshall sustained a long standing position of the United States that started with Ronald Reagan, that being that the United States does not negotiate with terrorists. Why does this make him such a great President? Try saying that when a Soviet neo-nationalist has a gun pointed at you and your family! Marshall will always be remembered as the President that got his plane hijacked and then took it back single handedly. A President that wasn't just words, but action. President Marshall was a man that looked terror right in the eye and told it to get off his plane.
#3) President David Palmer
Famous Quote: "The risk of attacking innocent countries is unacceptable. We have to be sure."
[Everybody is sure, Mr. President. Everybody but you.]
"Well, as it happens, I'm the only one who counts."
Talk about a President that had people out to get him. An assassination attempt against him when he was a Senator, when he was President, and a successful one when he was retired. President Palmer was a very strong President who stuck by his guns and was a President instead of a politician. And it was not easy for him to do this, he had war hawks breathing down his neck, attempted criminal cover ups, and a crazy whore of a wife. His own cabinet even tried to enact the 25th Amendment on him! Through all of this Palmer came through and became one of our more popular Presidents. The assassination of Palmer brought great grief to this country, and he will be missed.
#2) President Abraham Lincoln
 Famous Quote: ""I leave you, hoping that the lamp of liberty will burn in your bosoms until there shall no longer be a doubt that all men are created free and equal."
President Lincoln has a fairly large resume. To sum it up briefly, Lincoln saved the Union, brought an end to slavery, is the father of the Republican Party, is the only President to have his term defined completely by war, was a tremendous speaker, and even had a great sense of humor. Keeping the Union together during a time like that is an amazing feat, and we all know his famous speeches, "The Gettysburg Address" and "The Emancipation Proclamation". President Lincoln has gone down in history as our greatest President, but still does not compare to #1.
#1) President Thomas J. Whitmore
Famous Quote: "Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!"
President Whitmore faced the worst known alien terrorist attack in history. Aliens that hated us for our freedom were trying to kill us. President Whitmore tried desperately to make diplomacy work, but was only shut down. In an attempt to talk to one of the aliens, Whitmore was able to see its thoughts and realized that they were going to annihilate us. Any lesser of a President would of hid in a shelter until it was over, but not Whitmore. He suited up and piloted an F-15 in the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind, as the Secret Service sat that one out. He successfully destroyed their ship and commissioned another ship to plant a virus and a nuke in their mothership. President Whitmore saved the U.S., and the world for that matter, at the cost of only a few major cities around the world. Not to mention that he was voted world's sexiest man before the attack... a President that is sexy and kills aliens? He's got my vote.
Well, at least he drives a Prius
Can "Entourage" Get Back to Not Sucking?
I remember the summer of 2005 very well. "Deep Throat" - the informant in Nixon's Watergate scandal - finally revealed his identity. Although some people claimed he came forth for money, it didn't matter because he died soon thereafter. Bummer for him. Another big event for the summer: the acquittal of Michael Jackson. He's a weird dude, but the MNStream prefers to remember him for his really, really, really good music and the equally impressive dance moves. Lance Armstrong won another Tour, the Pistons forced a game 7 on the Spurs, and the whole summer was just a great time. It was like one long happy time for everyone to have before Hurricane Katrina. Also, I had an awesome Massachusetts fake ID, and we all know everything seems better whilst drunk.
The summer of '05 was also when I was introduced to Entourage. I was a late addition to the fan base as it was season 2. It was a perfect show for young men. Escapism at its finest. What better way to spend Sunday nights than living vicariously through an up-and-coming Hollywood lothario and his 3 best buds from home? Idiots like myself would wind down the weekend by drinking Busch Lights with one hand on our crotch saying, "Yeah... that's how I'd do it." It was almost too much fun to watch. This camouflaged the show's now obvious shortcomings. I didn't know it at the time, but Entourage would get worse with every single episode - no exceptions - after season 2.
Press fast forward to this past fall and you'll find the Sunday wind-down is still happening: casual beers, rogue down-pants hand, delivery dinner that sounded better on the menu. It's all there... but something's missing. Watching Entourage has become like sex with a spouse you've grown to hate. You're just going through the motions, not enjoying yourself at all. So what happened? How did this once glorious half-hour of laughs, language problems, and loose-moral ladies become relegated to my "Yeah If Nothing Else is On" echelon of programming? Three reasons...
1) No one except Jeremy Piven can act well. If the show is built around following the exploits of a supposedly great actor, they should probably cast that part with a great actor. If they can't find a great actor, settle for a really good actor. Adrian Grenier isn't close the to "really good" level. In disproportionate qualifying terms, he is on the "should start working hard at behind-the-scenes stuff" level. There are times when I watch this show and I really can't get over his badness. I'm picking on him because the nature of his role makes his bad acting all the more obvious, but the other 3 amigos (E, Turtle, Drama) also suck. Drama (Kevin Dillon) has an interesting case. The character he is playing is supposed to be a bad actor. He's become confused, though. He's portraying a bad actor very poorly. You'd think the double negative would make the performance watchable, but it doesn't.
2) They overdid the shtick. Doug Ellin (creator, exec. producer) seems like a guy you'd hate to be around at a party. He'd tell the same half-decent stories over and over even if he knew you'd heard them all before. Eventually after 50 parties with the guy, you just wish he'd do some drugs and try to fight someone twice his size, just to mix it up a bit. Hey Doug: WE GET IT. Drama mistakenly thinks he's tough and worldly, E is a conservative romantic type, Turtle is a fat moocher, Vince likes to get laid, Ari is energetic and mean. There. I just described every one of the 54 episodes. There has been little to no deviation from this painfully basic formula since season 1 in 2004. Go outside and play, Doug. Have some interesting stuff happen to you.
3) The writers ran out of new ideas in '05. The next time you watch an episode (for some reason I cannot possibly fathom, I'll still probably on-demand the show when it resumes in the fall), try doing this exercise: every time a character says, "______, Turtle. ______" take a shot. **WARNING:** Don't really do this, you'll die before the end credits. WHO TALKS LIKE THIS? Drama will say, "Too many times, Turtle. Too many times." Then E will say, "Maybe he will, Vince. Maybe he will." Lloyd once took the crap-dialogue cake when he said, "In my mind I did, Ari. In my mind, I did." The writers must sit down every week and come to the conclusion that if they keep using that format for speaking and then throw in as many F-words as they can, the show will be good. I guess they're wrong, MNStream readers. I guess they're wrong. <--- See? It just sounds so stupid. There it is. Entourage: the TV show equivalent of drinking on Tuesdays at school. It's cool for a while because it's new. Eventually, you realize it's dumb.
Bump & Run(down) III
// Blog Review: Today we review I'm Bringing Blogging Back - Celebrity Gossip Blog-A-Palooza. Combining the breaking news-savvy of Page Six and the acerbic commentary of a pre-annoying Lewis Black, this blog (way to long a name to retype) is pretty rad. While the celebrity commentary is worth a possible gander, the highlight of the blog is definitely the Harriet Carter Wednesdays. For the unaware, Harriet Carter is the name of a catalog that sells unbelievably stupid items. I didn't know the catalog existed until I started reading Harriet Carter Wednesdays, and life since the discovery has been G to the LORIOUS. Final blog verdict: not worth consistent daily visits (hey, not every can be on our level), but make Harriet Carter Wednesdays a priority.
// There are plenty of things on Earth that I will never understand. Most of these things don't make me upset at all: quantum physics, molecular genetics, being able to skate. The exception to this rule is summed up in two awful words: David Blaine. The world's least entertaining entertainer is about to set a brand-new level of silly to his sterling resumé by breaking the record for staying awake. It's the height of absurdity that people actually keep track of this "accomplishment". Also, why would anyone want to break it? What's the motivation? What do you say once you've broken the record? "OOOOHHHH YEAAAAAHHH!!! I did it! Yes! Yes! I did it! Awesome!.... sheesh.... what a good time..... OK, I'm gonna go take a nap. Seeya in like 4 days. Also, the doctors might call the nap a coma butwhateverdontworryboutit. Later, dude." Stupid.
// Look at this picture and check out the catcher's gear the guy has on. It's made by Under Armour. Catchers gear. Made by Under Armour. The very nature of the product ensures that it is not "under" armor. It's the opposite. It doesn't go under anything. It goes over everything. It's the final layer a catcher puts on. It's Over Armour. It's not quite the same, but imagine if a condom company started performing vasectomies. Counter-intuitive, right? You know it.
// Always a favorite: a catalog of bad names for businesses. My conventional wisdom leads me to believe that all these businesses are owned by immigrants who don't know American slang well enough to avoid the faux pas. Wouldn't it be great though if some idiot just said "f*ck it" and named his business something dumb just for spite? There might be advantages as well. If I had to choose between "Bunghole Liquors" and "Martin Liquors", I'd go Bunghole 10 out of 10. It's the circle of life.
// The internet can lead you down such interesting roads. Case in point: chocolate party hats for penises. The one on the right is a mold of the helmet of Master Chief, a main character in the Halo video game series. At the risk of generalizing, I doubt that anyone who plays/likes Halo so much that they get a Master Chief chocolate penis hat is getting laid anyways.
// I've often theorized that music would be at least a big help in torture, if not a form of torture itself (see artist; Pink). Well, we've made it official. I must say, if I was making the torture playlist, I'd have a couple different selections. Theirs is good, but how can they omit such obvious torture-friendly joints like Holiday Road or I'm Walking on Sunshine? How 'bout it, Army?
// Here's a site chronicling the evolution of car logos. No joke here, I just though it was cool.
// Lastly, some very upsetting news on the television front. Rosie O'Donnel is pitching a new sitcom starring herself (yikes) and Fran Drescher (double yikes). In all honesty, while I was typing this I stopped for about 20 minutes and tried to imagine a worse combination for a sitcom. The only thing I could come up with was if there was a sitcom that somehow starred Dunbar from Real World: Sydney and a clone of Dunbar from Real World: Sydney and they acted together as twin brothers who somehow got paid to piss people off. Maybe stem cell research would have its drawbacks.
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