Put Me Down For Two Orders

It's His Prerogative

// So why are we starting out with "My Prerogative"? Three reasons. Firstly, why not? I don't even care that he took the bloom off Whitney's rose; Bobby Brown made some real fly music. Dig this: I like watching/listening to specific items about once every month. I like watching the Coors Light NFL ads with the fake press conferences. I like watching Barry Sanders highlights, and not just because I was dubbed "The White Barry" of Grosse Ile Middle School circa 1997. I like watching the extended cut of Weezer's "Buddy Holly" music video. You know why I do these things? It's not because I use the internet to validate my sad, sad, lonely life (it's partly that). It's because watching these clips acts as a cure-all for the occasional generic mopes (sometimes referred to The Mondays)! In addition to the previously mentioned items, "My Prerogative" is a song that's always hovering around my rotation. It's like the song version of Robert Horry (Spurs version); they'll never blow up for 40 and 12, but you always have to be weary. When you least expect it... KABOOM! and next thing you know you're dancing by yourself in boxers and Ray-Bans. I propose we all take the time every month or so to listen to Bobby Brown's classic anthem to those of us who say (in an Eric Cartman voice), "I do what I want!" It gives the listener that nice edge; an unmistakable pep in one's step. Secondly, we're listening to Bobby Brown because I recently made a decree - apartment-wide, mind you - that starting this year and continuing ad infinitum, the last full week of January will be known as New Jack Swing Week. I'm starting to grow tiresome of the guitar-driven rock portion of the ubiquitous '80s nostalgic bombardment. "Take Me Home Tonight", "Your Love", "Don't Stop Believing"... it's enough already. Admittedly, I'm being a tad hypocritical here. I was once entranced on a weekly basis by these same songs. I would force out of my mouth in a ridiculous excuse for coherent speech, "Dude! They're playing Journey after Akon?!? So cool!". That being said, can't we - as whatever kind of group we constitute - decide on some different songs to obnoxiously scream along to? I literally cringe every single mother-effing time "Livin' on a Prayer" comes on in a bar. If I was from say, Sub-Saharan Africa, I would assume that "Livin' on a Prayer" was the de facto national anthem. I can't remember the last weekend out in East Lansing without hearing one overweight, not-in-a-sexy-way-sweaty girl say to another, "Oh Em Gee, Becky! I LOVE this song! We're sooooo drunk fo sho!... Let's get some pizza!!" As a result, I'm starting to ween off some of the '80s that served me so well in Power Hours past, and New Jack Swing is filling the void. Besides, I think I'm getting tennis elbow from 8 years of fist-pumping.

(Quick FYI before we move on. I will always hate - I can't stress that word enough - hate Britney Spears for her cover of this song. Did anyone really give two dooks when Britney was walking around gas station bathrooms barefoot? NO! In effect, she retarded the original message of the song. Britney was saying, "Let me do what I want, this is my life." The public basically screamed back, "OK. Do whatever you want, seriously. Go sick. Let us know when you're dead so we can reserve the cover of OK! Magazine." People were interested in Bobby Brown. He left New Edition, his singles were all hits, he was bumping uglies with Whitney. If Britney covered the song in 2001, it would've at least made a little sense. By the time she released it, she wasn't making blips on radars anymore. What's more is, she realized this and sheepishly decided that she didn't care about the media's criticism as long as middle school boys were pleasuring themselves to her poster. I'm convinced this is the sole reason she's pulling herself back from her life in comically white trash indignity. This intense hatred also applies to Fall Out Boy. Fall Out Boy's other prepubescent whine-fests (they call them "songs") are deplorable enough, but then they had the audacity to remake "Beat It". Who the hell do these people think they are? Imagine you made a hyper-delicious meat lover's pizza that everyone loved and you called it "Hearty Pizza". A decade later, I decide to come out with my own "Hearty Pizza". It's the exact same as yours except it only has pepperoni and I like to pay hobos to ejaculate on it. Even so, I still call it "Hearty Pizza." Then I have the nerve to say publicly that your good pizza inspired me to make a crappier version. Your delicious pizza inspired me to make this semen-and-pepperoni disaster. Would you murder me? You see the point. Britney Spears and Fall Out Boy covered - and released to make money - songs by Bobby Brown and Michael Jackson, respectively. Two of the greatest artists of my lifetime were covered by two musical acts that make music that can be accurately described as "ear abortion".)

// Segue time. The last reason for Bobby Brown getting billing today is the title of the song. Prerogative is an interesting word. Based on absolutely nothing at all, I'd estimate that about half the things I believe are my prerogative are in fact not. There are many checks in our society that most people either a) don't give an ess about and flout, or b) are unaware of. I have no beef with most of the rules in place. The day-to-day lives of Johnnies and Janes go off - for the most part - without a hitch. I do, however, have a problem with the leader of the free world being judged and, for lack of a better word, persecuted for doing something completely, 100% legal.


That interview is from early December. Allow me to first illustrate the fallacies of what you just watched. Quick question: why is the White House a non-smoking facility? Who decided this? My guess is the decision came from a group of stick-in-the-mud Congressmen who, once they realized they'd never merit any consideration for a Presidential nomination, felt the need to validate their salaries with some good PR for their district's community effing newspapers. (BTW, I'm trying to decrease my swearing. Please note that my feelings on this matter would regularly elicit a cosmic amount of no-no words.) Seriously, the fact that ANYONE but the currently serving President has the gall to ban smoking in the White House is mind-boggling to me. Mindsplosion! Moving on, WTF is Brokaw's problem? Is he serious with that holier-than-thou bullshit? Is he confusing "smoking a very occasional cigarette" with "rampant and destructive alcoholism"? Quitting smoking is not the easiest thing in the world. Tommy B should put himself in Baracks's shoes. To ask a longtime smoker to completely quit mere months after he began his effort in earnest is a tall order. Imagine if Obama had asked Brokaw if he would quit being a smug, judgmental douchebag son of a bitch? I don't know if Brokaw could do it. They don't make any gum or patches that can help you quit having a dick-ish personality.

One more thing: it is definitely NOT a myth that when a smoker is in the process of quitting, said smoker can be a bit of a handful. I've tried to quit smoking (and failed epically) thrice. Within 24 non-smoking hours, I was edgy, cantankerous, irritable, and basically unhappy; even more so than I am in a general sense. The change in personality is so definite, so palpable, it's almost a bit frightening. Think of it as a very junior varsity version of The Incredible Hulk. "You wouldn't like me when angry - I mean, without a Marlboro Light..." That was me. Three different times. For about 48 hours apiece. That's the effect you can generally expect from someone mid-quit. Here's my point: does our country really need our newly-elected leader to be white-knuckling it through four years of that post? I really cannot fathom the stresses and anxieties that come with being the President, let alone the President that the country is anointing as an infallible savior. Is it really fair to take away his pack of smokes? I really don't think so. Another real bummer about this whole situation is the fact that the Truman Balcony - the expansive second-floor balcony facing south - would probably be the #1 coolest place in the world to have a smoke.

Scenario: imagine making sweet, sweet love to the wife after the Inauguration ball. You just had sex in the White House. You now command thousands of nuclear warheads. Billions - billions - of lives are depending on your abilities as a leader, and you have the confidence of knowing that the most powerful nation on Earth trusts you with those responsibilities. You look up at the bedroom ceiling and you mumble cockily to yourself, "I'm the President, bitch." Big smile. Your dreams are realized. Who's the man? You, sir! You are the man! You come out of your auto-erotic coma to find yourself going outside. Let's take in that Truman Balcony. Maybe we'll see some protesters and given them the finger. You're wearing that awesome navy-and-white terry cloth robe with the Presidential Seal embroidered on the pocket. You take in the air and thank The Big Guy for your blessings. "Son of a bitch", you think to yourself. Your happiness can barely be contained as you think, "I'm the President. The Pre-zee-dent! Whattya know about that?" You flick your Bic and hammer down the most satisfying Carolina stick you've ever had. End scenario.

// I think Barack Obama deserves that moment.

You Can’t Explain Everything - Super Bowl XLIII (+ My Pick)

Despite what some people think, not everything has a perfect explanation. Let’s look at the Arizona Cardinals. By the way this team played a month ago, it doesn’t make sense. Logically, visually, statistically, there isn’t an explanation. But I’m starting to think that this is a good thing. Why? Because teams like this give us upsets in sports, and unexpected drama in life (at least for sports fans who bet the Eagles -4). I guess it’s good to realize that not everything has to make sense. Just because there’s no perfect explanation for the lights in the sky doesn’t mean there are UFOs out there. The lack of an explanation is a gift.

// Sidenote: There will always be two questions in life that I would love an explanation for. Why do they report power outages on television, and why do they put those braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATMs? Thoughts?

// If you could explain everything, the favorites would always win. Instead of always looking for an answer, it’s good to just sit back and enjoy the Cardinals run. Sure I thought the Eagles were a better team than the Cards. All of the numbers said so. Even though the showing by the Eagles defense was comparable to Janeane Garofalo’s performance in the first five hours of 24, all things logical still pointed to an Philly win. Arizona was the younger team. No pass rush. They were soft in a bad division. Blown out several times. And terrible when leaving their time zone. For all that, the lack of answers is what makes this an intriguing Super Bowl.

// Now for the other side and the team representing the stronger AFC. Let’s start with the coach. Mike Tomlin has that John McCain quality. If either was your dad, you would bring home straight A’s. You wouldn’t screw with him. You wouldn’t talk back to Mike Tomlin. He’s intimidating. I think half of the players’ motivation is to not disappoint Tomlin. He has been a home-run hire. He looks like a football coach. He plays the part.

// For the Steelers team, this entire Super Bowl run is a testament to how well they are run as an organization. Lions front office…take notes. This is how you become successful. Very little flash and 100% substance. Pay attention to the draft, build from the lines out, and eliminate headaches ASAP. Having major stability at head coach doesn’t hurt either. Once they got Ben to stop bouncing off windshields, I think they solidified their spot as the best-run American sports franchise. The Yankees may be richer. The Lakers have more pizzazz. But the blue-collar Steelers get the job done quietly. They are your no-nonsense, meat-and-potatoes team. They are the restaurant that stays open for 40 years. Comparatively, the Lions are the night club that is red-hot for a month and then gets busted by the feds (...I just watched We Own The Night, which I'd give an 8/10).

// So how about the game? Go to the bank, withdraw some dough, and get ready to double your money.

No-Choice Pick: Pittsburgh -7

SITE UPDATE // Welcome Aboard, Sloppy

// The stream has added a new member to the team, and the above picture represents my happiness for this happening. This addition should refuel the stream team, get ready for it gang.

How To Disable a Woman While Wearing a Loinscloth

// That is all

Sounds Like It's Time to Punch In

// Truly, it's a wonderful day for our country. Seeing Barack Obama become the our President is an image that personifies good words - words like hope and opportunity and America - in a very dramatic fashion. His is a story that has the potential to serve as an inspiration to people from any walk of life. And it's not because he's black. And it's not because we're finally rid of President Bush. And it's not because it's trendy to hate on Republicans now. And it's definitely not because we'll finally get to see what kind of puppy he'll get his daughters. There's nothing superficial about what makes this day so special. The election of Barack Obama is the best proof yet that the United States's reputation of a "land of opportunity" still rings true. His beginnings were humbler than most. He made his fair share of mistakes along the way, but he worked and worked and worked - hard - to achieve the goals he had set for himself. For a nation who can best be described wholly as "weary", to see a man achieve such a colossal triumph and truly believe he has good in his heart is very uplifting. There's a recognition that occurs; people realize it easier if they see the fruits of another man's labor, especially when the fruit is becoming President. There's a feeling of elation when we're reminded of the fact that working hard - while sometimes its own reward - can help you see even your loftiest goals come to fruition. Let's dissect this incredible day.

// The speech. Before today, I was beginning to think people were expecting too much. It reminded of this: if you ever ask someone over 40 about Saturday Night Live, a very likely response is something along the lines of, "Nothing was as good as those early ones with Belushi and Akroyd and Gilda Radner and Eddie Murphy and Chevy Chase." I respectfully disagree. My hypothesis on this is that the only parts of those old SNLs we see replayed anymore are the gems. We see Belushi's Samurai character and the knock-knock shark at Weekend Update and subsequently those SNLs are remembered as classics. Of course, right? All we're ever seeing is the skits they struck gold with! However, if you've ever watched an entire episode of an old SNL, I think you'll find what I did: the skit batting average was very similar to what it is now. A lot of so-sos, a couple yuk-yuks, and every so often they hit a grand slam. There seemed to be a correlation like that with regard to today's speech as well. I think there was this (unfair) expectation that every line of Obama's speech was going to be on par with "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" or "ask not what your country can do for you...". While it wasn't an immediate "HOLY CRAP DID YOU HEAR THAT!!" kind of speech, it was a very well-written (and extremely well-delivered, obv) speech and I think that over time it will be favorably compared to other notable inaugural addresses. Some parts I rather enjoyed:

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met.

This might be the early favorite for the line that will be remembered the most (and played along those ubiquitous lines I said earlier). Also, it's the early front runner for the quote most often mangled by high school seniors in their class 0f 2132 yearbook.

Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

The overall message of the entire speech, the whole "let's go to work" thing played really well. Rightfully so. That's maybe the best aspect of his Presidential persona thus far. From the second he planned his victory address, he's never wavered from his "the work is just beginning" theme. I found that the more I replayed it, the more I thought about that Pistons "going to work" jingle they play during ticket ads.

We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories.

Energy, in my mind, is the most pressing issue we face. I think success on that front could act almost like a panacea for our various other problems. I really hope he can succeed in getting progressive energy reform enacted soon. There needs - needs - to be laws that will force our country into more widespread use of renewable energy and ween our dependency on not just foreign oil but all fossil fuels. I really believe the growing scarcity of fossil fuels could be the make-or-break issue of America.

We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

I have a plethora of thoughts on our foreign policy; way too many to include in a blurb. I just wanted to point out that his whole demeanor during his glossing over of defense was very reassuring. He might not be quite the hard-liner that G.W. was, but he's not a pushover. I think his assurances that are country will be safe are genuine.

What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This might be the money shot; the quote that goes on the marble block holding up the statue if our great-great-great-grandchildren decide Obama merits a monument on the mall. It's easy to be cynical, especially when our perception of our country is so dire, but Barack Obama is inspiring. It really is that simple. Our recent history has made it easy to be dubious and harbor a mistrust of all things government. Again, it's easy to be cynical. But there is a great feeling in being genuinely excited about the direction Obama can give us.

If you've ever seen him speak, and I doubt I know anyone who hasn't, you know that words on a screen don't do Barack Obama justice. His eloquence and charisma make his speeches seem like more than words from a politician. He's so moving. If you didn't see it, I urge you to watch the speech here. It really is worth the time, especially the anecdotal parting shot. OK, moving on from speech highlights...

// Since he bested Hillary Clinton over the course of the Democratic primaries, the hype surrounding President Obama (henceforth referred to as "Obama" or simply "Barry", I just wanted to type "President Obama" one time for my own amends) has been almost unequaled by anything I can recall. It sounds ridiculous to compare the two people, and perhaps it is a commentary on how exasperating our country can get, but the sheer mass of the exposure Obama has received in the last year is the most I can recall since late-90s early-00s Britney Spears. I don't think I've gone a single day since last February without hearing an actual discussion about the man, much less seeing his family's vacation photos grace the cover of US Weekly. It would seem as though now, with him finally being inaugurated, the hype will gradually subside and he'll slowly become something we're accustomed to. But does that prediction hold water? I'm not so sure.

When I say his hype was unparalleled, I mean exactly that. My comparison to last decade's Britney is a serious one, at least as far as media coverage is concerned. It's arguable that Barack's celebrity has surpassed even hers. In an historical sense, he might be the most talked about person in our country's (and perhaps even the world's) history. If you took his celebrity and matched it up with The Beatles, wouldn't you guess Barack Obama is a bigger story? Even when taking into account the relatively gargantuan size of the present media compared to that of the '60s, doesn't Obama still register as a bigger hype machine? I'm leaning towards yes.

The question, then, is what now? He had a strong mandate, no doubt. The message sent in early November was unmistakable: we wanted Barack Obama to be President. We got it. Message received. No Emperor Palpatine-esque power grab from the Neo-Cons. So when does the work begin and, the bigger question, when will average Americans have their trust rewarded? When will the Gallup polls reveal that yes, average Americans think we've "turned it around"? When comes Obama's CHANGE? There's no black-and-white answer to that one. I think the country made a good decision electing Obama. I think he's beyond capable and - more importantly - I believe he has a good, selfless heart. It worries me a bit, however, that the country will be impatient with him. I don't know if we can make another good decision and be patient. I don't know if the people - not a person, but the people - have the foresight to really heed Obama's words when he says our work is just beginning. The pressure on this man is so great - so massive - and in his line of work there's rarely any change for the good that happens overnight. A big question yet to be answered is how will Obama handle it if the honeymoon ends? I for one believe he's that good; his skill set and abilities as a leader will enable him to create real results in (relatively, remember) quick fashion. But is it possible that it all falls the other way? Will he grow weary of the pressures of the office? Grow tired from the constant scrutiny and exposure? Become jaded towards our system and abandon his altruistic goals? Is it possible?

// Truly, it's a wonderful day for our country. This could be the start of a course of action that will extend our country's prosperity until long after we're all dead and gone. It used to be easy to be cynical, but no more. Barack Obama has quelled the growth of our disillusionment. Barack Obama made it easy to be an optimist again.

First Time, Long Time

// It’s my first post on The Stream after being a long-time reader. So let’s get to it. What am I bringing to the table? I don’t have the writing abilities or humor of Mike. I’m more of a numbers guy. I probably won’t delve into my personal life and show you the inner workings of a major corporation like Kevin. And I certainly don’t have the knack for finding high-quality video clips like Brian. Thus, I won’t be the guy to put The Stream on this list, but I’ll help pass the time in between their posts. And bring some flavor along the way.

// How did I get here? Well, I grew up with the three guys on Grosse Ile and spoke the GINV. Then college happened and I enjoyed every bit of the ride. But after those days were over, I was at a crossroads. I decided it was time to relocate to a new city and see what the rest of America had to offer.

// I was out of college at 22 and outside of a short stint in Europe, I was living with my parents. Sidenote: I’m never living in Europe again...God bless the red, white, and blue. Anyway, I was worried that the living-with-my-parents situation could become a slippery slope. Fast forward eight years and would I still be that single 30-year old guy living in the bedroom I grew up in?

// A recent survey from the AARP discovered that one-fourth of the Generation X-ers (i.e. so-called slackers), those 28 to 39 years old, receive financial help from family and friends. That is not acceptable. Don’t turn to dad for a handout…get a job. I tip my cap to the guy who’s 25, earning a decent wage, and saving rent money by taking shelter with his parents. Times are tough right now. The job market is lousy. The economy is slumping while we’re in the midst of a credit crunch. We all have to scale back. But…once you hit 30, the coupon expires. You can no longer accept the parents offer to live in the basement and watch Entourage at 2am while dad pays the cable bill. It’s time to lick your wounds and save some cabbage to get your own pad. If you’re 27-28 years old, I’ll give ya a mulligan. But when the 30th birthday strikes, stop being lazy and get out.


// I got out early. I’m living in Chicago. My job pays the rent and I’m scraping by. The city life is cool, but the sports teams reek. I love to remind my co-workers of Detroit's recent success. They all say I’m living in the past, but…hell with ‘em. So, where to from here? Not exactly sure, but add my beloved Detroit sports teams to my friends in SE Michigan and I’ll be back one day. Just not in my parents’ house.

Kevin In 10 Years

The Official User's Guide to The Grosse Ile (+North) Vernacular

// I don't think I'll ever sound more pompous in a post than I will right here. Then again, I am me. Yes, that's true. I'm me. I could out-pompous myself, even on a bad day. So let me rephrase: I don't think I'll ever unintentionally sound more pompous than I'm about to. I can imagine the disparaging comments emanating from your inner monologue. "Seriously? The guy takes credit for a whole line of lingo?" Well it's about time to chiggety check yourself mi amigo, because here comes a rebuttal, and I'm aiming right at your dome. No, I'm not taking full credit. I'm not even taking half-credit. The Grosse Ile (+ North) Vernacular (henceforth known as GINV, or if the mood should strike you, Gin-Veezy) has always been, and will always continue to be a collaborative effort. Many good men have made priceless contributions to a language that has evolved from its humble beginnings. GINV was once a mere cluster-eff of idiotic, full-blown alcoholic ramblings mumbled into the uncaring and disgusted ears of anyone unfortunate enough within earshot. In little more than 6 years, it has become a way of life; part of the very fabric that makes up the tapestry of good times with good friends. Therein lies the grand design of this perhaps insanity-causing collection. It's to be shared amongst friends. I don't understand it myself, but the equation cannot be denied. Great times + GINV = (possibly) greater times. Try it out. If it doesn't work, we have a 90-day money back guarantee.

A quick note about the name. While the vernacular had its origins on Grosse Ile, it's true potential was reached (and it's usage was nearly doubled) when the innovators from GI collaborated with the savants from the North. (Quick note: the North in this case refers to pretty much the Troy area. It's too much of a pain in the butt to list all 47 of the towns/villages/hamlets those brosephs are from, and also I hate abbreviating Oakland County into "The O.C." Plus, the acronym works way better.) That's why we're calling it what we're calling it. A man who doesn't give others their due and proper is not a man you want on your squad when its 4th and goal.

Lastly, I'd like to offer a quick story. Fun fact: I've been to the last two victories of the Detroit Lions (0-16 aftermath post coming soon, btw). The last victory was a 25-20 victory over the Chiefs, a game in which fellow 'Streamer Brigee was kind enough to take me to. The victory before that was another gem. The Week 9 Lions victory over the Broncos took the team to 6-2. The best part was that they didn't just win; the Lions absolutely humiliated the Broncos all dog gone day. And not only on the field, but also in the concourse of the stadium. On the way out, the crew and I had prime seats to witness some poor sap Broncos fan getting lit up - LIT UP - by three surly Motor City types. Anywho, the crew was as follows: my man Nelson, who came strong with the tickets. My man Plow, who polished off a double meat Italian sub from Subway on the way down to Motown. Plow's roommate DJ, a late-round pick by Plow up at CMU who turned into one of the gems of the post-high-school-friend draft. Last, and most likely least, your truly. We're on the way down to the game, when the hangovers from last night's malfeasances begin to take a firm, interlocking grip. Hangover protocol dictates two things must happen unless in the most extenuating of circumstances. We need some perfect food, and we need to get a little slap-happy. I already mentioned the Subway. I'm happy to say that the slap-happy was never far behind. It started off with laughing at the (seemingly perpetual) gaseous emissions. Then it devolves into country music, bad jokes, etc, etc. We'd all been there before. Or had we? The wheels were turning in DJ's melon. His mind was a steel trap of deciphering, but to no avail. He thought to himself, "What are these guys talking about? Did they get high?" Guess again, Deej-Man. It was the GINV. The trip to the D took about 2 hours with heavy traffic (remember, the Lions were 5th in the NFC standings at this point). Bless his soul. He kept at it for about an hour and 45 minutes, but eventually it was too much for DJ to continue holding his tongue. At about the time I-96 meets Davison, DJ piped up, "OK! Ok. Seriously?! Seriously, you guys... I have no idea... NO idea what you're talking about. What are you talking about?".... Ok, I didn't say it was a good story. But it should illustrate the power the lingo can carry. Substituting these (at first glance) meaningless words for part or all of a strategically selected word in a sentence... will quite frankly change your life. Without further ado... The Grosse Ile (+North) Vernacular. In alphabetical order.

- bird: a modifier used in conjunction with the first letter of an otherwise normal word, especially used during recognized holidays. (Wed. before Thanksgiving): Hey Cindy! Happy T-Bird!

- bone: kind of like when you have a nice outfit on, but if you find the right hat it'll really make the whole ensemble "pop". Let's play 7-11-Doubles. You got the diebones?

- brizz: a rarely used "replacement" syllable, most often for words beginning in "b" and/or "br". What was the name of the bowling alley on the sitcom "Ed"? Stuck-Brizz?

- breez(y): same as brizz, but used for added panache when dining on more formal fare. Did you want bacon on your Cobb salad? Yeah, gimme that breezy if you could.

- cock: etiquette would dictate its use when the company is exclusively male, generally used in a disparaging tone. Seriously, can we get one decent middle linebacker?!?! Ted-Cock!!!

- dawg: used as a name-modifying colloquialism, spelling is paramount to its effective use. (When greeting someone of large stature): Ooh! Mig-Dawg!

- diesel: somewhat akin to "cock", this word employs less malice and, when donned properly, leaves a waft of F-150 commercial in the air. I really can't hit a fairway. Lemme try your drive-diesel.

- dick: not surprisingly, this cock-esque ending word has a more playful, I'm-just-busting-your-balls attitude, strictly for use between close friends. Yeah and then Bri-dick had to help me climb my balcony.

- deez: perhaps the most inane of all words, deez is used in combinations to either describe a rotund person or convey the feeling "eff it". You have 14, sir. Hit? Ehh... tub-deez.

- deezy: used to sing Akon's opening lines in "Soul Survivor" and covertly convey that you think someone within earshot is overweight. (in melody, like Akon): Akon and Tub-Deezy!

- dub: a substitute for the letter W but, and this is imperative, only when the W is part of an acronym with another consonant. Hey, you thirsty? Yeah dude, hand me that dub-B.

- fuck: used to indicate your displeasure in the immediate aftermath of a poor showing. How long does it take to make change? Toll-fuck!

- geeeeeeem: used in basketball to instruct players to initiate a full court press. (After a made shot): GEEEEEEM!!!!

- grease/greasy: as the name implies, this word alters the name of something that isn't of the cleanest persuasion. Wanna get some Donny-grease? -- or -- How'd you do with that girl? Dude, big greasy.

- Jigs/Jiggas: only for use with combined last names in which it rolls off the tongue like a hip-hop song. You know who was always smiling? Hoe-Jiggas.

- jeezy: perhaps the most popular, it modifies almost the entire dictionary. I'm out can you get me a brew-jeezy? -- or -- Then we slide-jeezy right past the bouncer.

- piece: a hallmark and original member of GINV, piece is equally as ubiquitous as jeezy. Let's get some tunes! Gimme the pod-piece!

- pimpin: a rare complete name substitute, pimpin should only be used with people you've met less than 3 times, lest it become insulting. You remember Jack? Hell yeah. What's up pimpin?

- pump: subtly sexual in nature, pump is often used on decidedly non-sexual gossamer. Yeah, I got a flat, Susan! I can't find the j-pump!

- peezy: similar to piece, but used less often due to its similar phonetic nature (and "little brother" status) to jeezy. You guys feel like some euch-peezy?

- scrape: a verb with omnipotent flair, scrape must be carefully emphasized in a sentence or used with a complementary noun to convey proper meaning. Anyone mind if I scrape a soda?

// So there it is. For now. Remember, Gin-Veezy never stays in one place. There are many empty pages still left in the book, and the ending can never be written. In the words of Gary Busey, "Art is never the final form. Art is the journey." Become the journey and your final form will take care of itself. I hope you enjoy yourselves.

Easin' It In... Like a Gentleman

// Some words get thrown around way too often. This has been clear to me for a while. The difficult question is why? Why are some words used with so much more frequency than others? Part of the answer is sensationalism, especially on the telly. Human beings enjoy - nay - LOVE superlatives (see that there? doesn't "love" just sound more correct and normal?). We're so over inundated by hearing something is "the ultimate" this or "definitely the finest" that. It's taken its toll. The constant use of these words - words that should only be used to describe something of the highest order - has dulled our senses a bit. Our regular comparative adjectives don't do it for us anymore. They absolutely do not suffice (again, doesn't "absolutely" just roll off the tongue so easily?). In a way, it's akin to a sort of diction cocaine, no? Who still gets a nicotine buzz after doing blow every weekend? The same goes for when we use superlatives all the time. It's too boring to hear that something is "decent" or "pretty good". We prefer to hear "greatest". There's no rush when you hear someone say your favorite point guard has "fine ball handling skills". Instead, we just anoint anybody and everybody as "the best" and then argue with one another over what one thing actually is the best. By the way, I just wrote down - probably verbatim - the pitch they gave to ESPN for Around The Horn. But I digress. Let's talk superlatives. One example is the term "Offensive (or Defensive, obv) Genius". That's a phrase that I hear much more often than is warranted. It seems every time I turn on NFL Live, I have to stare at Merril Hoge's annoying face perched above his ridiculously wide shoulders and hear him say, "blahblahblah is an offensive genius." (Quick side note: since the departure of Sean Salisbury, a hot commodity in the power rankings of "ESPN Talking Head You'd Like To Slap Very Hard" is Merril Hoge. His body of work teems more and more every day in its asininity.) There's no need for Hoge to call Dick LeBeau, Rex Ryan and Ron Rivera all geniuses. His point would be nicely (and probably more correctly) made if he called all of them "very good defensive coordinators". But nobody wants to hear that noise. We want geniuses, dammit! Now! Geniuses! Again, it's like a drug and we're addicted to it.

Let's get away from superlatives. There's a point coming. Promise. There are plenty of other words that get too much airtime. My king culprit is the word "drama". This case is easy to crack. I know where it came from and how it became so widespread. As much as it pains me to say it, I point the blame at Laguna Beach. Gosh, how I enjoyed that show. I shared a bevy of yuks with my old buddy Stach while we dissected the first season game film MTV treated us to in the fall of 2004. However, it is very hard to deny that since the advent of LB (and shortly thereafter The Hills, which is about as fun as a hemorrhoid), "drama" has been used to describe roughly 95% of anything that even remotely resembles a disagreement between people. The word gets thrown around like a Nerf at 4th-grade recess. Frustrating. I'd venture to guess that there's a sentence that has been nearly phased out of existence since LB reared its (gorgeous and tan) head. When is the last time you heard - on TV or in real life - someone say, "Those two don't like each other very much." No one says it! It's as if every intricacy, every facet, every minute detail of a strained relationship between two people can simply be glossed over and adequately explained by saying, "Drama." Look, I'm all for brevity. For years, I've been shortening about half of the words I use by replacing the longer syllables with (among others*) "jeezy" or "peezy" at the end of them. Seriously, don't even ask yourself why. It just feels right. I'm just tired of hearing "drama". That's all. We need the President to go down to SoCal and give L.A. County and Orange County a mandate: stop using the word "drama" unless describing the genre of an artistic medium. Enough is enough.

* A full write-up detailing what has become affectionately known as "The Grosse Ile Vernacular" will be coming soon. The ultimate goal is to get a Wikipedia page.

Fortunately, there's a flip side to the coin. (So close to the point. Still getting there, but closer.) Some words, in this case some very superlative words, are not being beaten to death by sensationalist dummies. There is a hesitant caution before one employs certain words (although the list of those words is dwindling). It's good that this happens, though. We don't need to start throwing these around. That would be like giving Tyler from Fight Club access to a nuclear arsenal. Appropriately used words? They exist. The easy example(s): Perfect. Consummate. Immaculate. Flawless. I feel like we, as a society, are admirably careful about overusing these words. You don't often hear something is perfect. It's rare to hear, "Hey Peter. How were those muffins from Panera?" "Oh y'know... perfect." Nobody comes home from a Red Wings game and says, "Oh man. Draper's wrister in the 2nd was freakin' perfect." It doesn't happen like that. A sacred aura still exists around "perfect". That's not to say you can't use qualifiers to alter your meaning. "Dude, her body was almost perfect" is a phrase offered regularly in the throes of dudes-together-the-morning-after-a-crazy-night-out time. People also say "near perfect" quite a bit. This past summer I used "near perfect" to describe The Dark Knight. If I stand behind the claim when asked "Really?", it works, right? Right. Here comes the payoff.

So, after taking a very scenic route, we've arrived at our destination: the reason for the post. You see, there is a method to the madness. I didn't just write all that stuff to rant, although that would seem very Honerian (my name works well as an adjective!). First, I enjoy delving into etymology and philology. Language changes and (d)evolves so drastically it sometimes feels like a living thing. The patterns in everyday speech can tell a culture a lot about itself. I also wrote it because I wanted to make a clear distinction that there are many things called "the best" that aren't necessarily the best. The diatribes on language acted as a wonderful "alley" for the approaching "oop". My friends, the point needed to be made because something truly wonderful has happened to us all. My roommate Ben stumbled onto what I feel very comfortable calling The Best movie scene in the history of motion pictures (also, he found the second best). The title "Best" can be deduced because at this point I can't fathom how anyone out there has the capacity to create something more sublime than what you're about to see. The lines, the facial expressions, even the body language is, for lack of a better word, magical. A little exposition: The clips from a 1987 feature called Hard Ticket to Hawaii, a quasi-pornographic insanity romp that does to rationalized, decent thought what Vanilla Ice did to the coolness quotient of white males. !!! Probably NSFW. Better safe than sorry. Err on the side of caution. That kind of thing. !!! Make sure there's nothing around you that can fall over easily if you lose control of your limbs... and enjoy.

Just as soon as we hit 88 MPH

// We here at the 'Stream just wanted to give all our fans - all nine of you - a quick site update. We're coming back. Stronger than ever. Reasons, rationales and apologies for our absence will present themselves as the posts warrant, but rest assured. The 'Stream is coming back. ...(cue dramatic music sting and Morgan Freeman voice over)... Hope... survives. Church.