High Times In Detroit Sports & Other Riffraff

// Blog Review: On your average idle Sunday, I get a glimpse at - on the average - about 10 new blogs. Not surprisingly, most of them suck. Actually, that's not fair. They don't suck at all, they're just not geared towards the things I want to read about. In my case, it takes a really well-written blog to actually ignite a new interest. Such is the case with the UniWatch Blog. Some of you might recognize the name UniWatch from ESPN.com's Page 2, where UniWatch author Paul Lukas is a regular contributor. Aside from his ESPN duties, Lukas started a daily blog (from which I eventually discovered the glorious image above). I'd been waiting for the right time to pimp his blog. It has been a mainstay of my morning routine for almost 2 years now, and I read Lukas' columns on Page 2 long before that. The straw that broke the camel's back was this column, in which Lukas goes through the long, intertwined history of sports figures and smoking (complete with countless image links, a nice touch). If you haven't figured it out already, UniWatch is a blog devoted to the aesthetic side of sports. Every day, there are interesting little tidbits about the uniform regularities/irregularities that happen on a nightly basis in sports. If you're a fan of great uniforms, minutiae, or even graphic design, the 'Stream suggests that you put UniWatch into your daily rotation. Top notch.

// Yesterday evening pretty much sealed the deal: these past couple of days have been spectacular to Detroit sports. The Wings are being very un-Wing and kicking some serious ass in the playoffs, the Pistons seem to have gotten their act together and look ready to dispose of the Sixers, the Tigers are on a nice mini-run and the bats are getting hot, and even the hapless Lions... wait, hold on. Gimme a sec.... OK. It took me a while to think of something nice to say about the Lions' draft; here's the best I can do. It's become an annual rite of spring that I get excited about the Leo's draft since about Stockar McDougle in 2000. Every time, those same drafts eventually prove to be awful. Actually, beyond awful. I think the best way to describe a typical Millen draft is "complete fiduciary misconducted crap-capade". The point is, I actually wasn't excited about this year's draft. I'd only heard of Kevin Smith and Gosder Cherilus (and the only reason I remembered Cherilus' name was because BC played MSU in their bowl game) and the rest were a bunch of anonymous chappies. That's got to be a sign, right? All of these guys are going to be Pro Bowlers, right? Right? I'm grasping at straws here, but as a Lions fan that's usually all I got. Super Bowl XLVI Champs!

// Check out this picture of the ceiling inside a smoker's lounge. I think that's actually pretty clever, albeit a tad morbid. However, that self-righteous, holier-than-thou cacophony is actually kind of annoying. If I could speak on behalf of all my fellow smokers out there: We get it. Stop being a bunch of hard-ons and go do some jumping jacks or whatever. (turn away, flip up collar on black leather jacket, French kiss smoking-hot girlfriend, peel out in very loud motorcycle, give middle finger)

// I stumbled across this great listing of The Worst Rolling Stone Covers. Aside from giving your average bored jackass (me) something to do between obligations, pop culture is great because it's what gives our country a sense of humor about itself. Look at some of those covers and try to avoid the chuckle. Also, look at the BSB cover. I dare you say you don't know the words to at least one of their songs. I feel like self-deprecating laughs are uniquely American. And that's pretty much the only thing that separated us from the communists.

// Idolator asks: Are there any acts who have come up since the turn of the millennium who can headline a 50,000-capacity festival? They raise a good point, even if the question sounds a little bit too-cool-for-school. The article mentions Jack Johnson as one. I'd say that's a good call, but some others off the top of my head (depending of location): Coldplay, Kanye West, Jay-Z. Those are the only locks I can think of. Borderline: The Killers and maybe Eminem, and that might be a stretch. So I guess the article has a good argument. Touché, Idolator.

// Royal Caribbean just announced that their Project Genesis ship (quick side note: why must we make every single project codename sound like an evil plan concocted by a mad scientist in a bad '70s sci-fi movie?) will have an area resembling Central Park on deck. (source) The park area will be THE SIZE OF A FOOTBALL FIELD. Who needs - or even wants - this much space? Have you even once ever been on a cruise ship and thought, "Man, I wish this boat was bigger?" Goodness no! As absurd as having a sea-faring gridiron sounds, keep in mind that "the next big thing" in the cruise industry is always less than 3 years away. Think if some guy out of Dubai made a cruise ship. You'd be able to pick dolphins out of the water like that stuffed animal crane game they have in movie theatre lobbies. Wait... I actually just had a killer idea that's not too far-fetched. How about a cruise ship that has a lazy river on it covering the full length of the boat? Do they already have this? If not, I hope there's an HR rep reading this. Dude could use a job.

// Time for America's favorite running blog segment: Young Idiots & Their Science Experiments. Let's make fun of some children!



The Code of the Meniscus
Here's a joke: What do you get when you combine renegade puberty, below-average word processing skills, the worst dress sense since Vanilla Ice, and a young man's weird infatuation with a Tom Hanks movie about secret messages in paintings? Give up? It's The Code of the Meniscus!!! Oh, how I wish I was there when this bloke (who looks kind of like a cross between Jaws from The Spy Who Loved Me and Gheorghe Muresan) unveiled this disaster. I think I actually would have paid money to see the reactions the poor sap got from the popular kids in class. Not too get all science-guy on you, but the meniscus is the bend you see on liquid in a narrow test tube. It has to do with surface tension and molecule attraction. What I think happened is this: my man up top read about surface tension and molecule attraction and - like I imagine happened a lot in his middle school years - got horny for no reason. In his excited state, he began careening down that line of thought like Animal from The Muppets. "If I knock my science fair project out of the park, it's 'Good-bye Yu-Gi-Oh' and 'HELLO LADIES!!'", thought the lad. Unfortunately for him, the same brain that imagined this scenario to be possible was the same brain that considered that sweater to be a wise choice. It's one thing to say, "I wouldn't be caught dead wearing that." It's quite another when a sweater is so preposterous that a person says, "I wouldn't be caught dead wearing that, and I left strict instructions in my will that if anyone wears that sweater to my funeral, they get beat up in the parking lot." But perhaps there's more to this project than meets the eye. Yeah, that's it. There's some symbolism here. The Code of the Meniscus really stands for a whole different code. The ultimate code. The code that he'll never be able to break. The code to the gated community in which his future stalking victim will reside.

// Last link of the day comes via my buddy Scrump, a fellow Spartan and legitimate threat to challenge Kevin Costner's character in Tin Cup as "the best (fill in the blank) who never made it to the pros". Just another reason why I would seriously cry if Tom Izzo ever left to coach in the NBA. Enjoy your day, readers. Look both ways before crossing the street.

Top 5 Athletes In The Wrong Sport

When Brian, Kevin, and myself started talking about making a new blog, my ideas were coming out at a breakneck pace. Luckily, I was able to remain sober for long enough over last Christmas break to write down a few of the ideas I had.

I started thinking about this when I was in high school. Michigan State's basketball team was at the zenith of their turn-of-the-millennium glory days and I was seriously considering changing my name to Mateen Bell Richardson-Honer. As star-studded as those championship teams were, my favorite players to watch were the unheralded, underrated big men Antonio Smith and Aloysius Anagonye. To me, the only guys on the floor more fun to watch than mercurial point guards - think Zeke or CP3 - are hardworking, undersized bigs. After watching my boys leave MSU - Smith in '99 with a loss to Duke in the Final Four, Al in 2003 with an NCAA title and ZERO chance at an NBA career - I got to thinking, "They should try to be a defensive ends for the Lions!" It was, at first, a fleeting thought. For one, they probably weren't ready for the manhandling a good O-lineman would deliver every Sunday. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Their bodies were acclimated to some contact. After all, they were post players in the Big Ten (back when it was good). They both had great frames and were cut from marble. Why wouldn't they be worth - at the very least - a tryout with some piss-poor NFL team (shockingly, this would have excluded the Lions in '99, but not '03)?

Fast-forward to the winter of 2008. I had just witnessed another college basketball career end, that of my friend Zach. After his senior night game we took the revelry up to the friendly confines of Rick's in East Lansing. Those of you who've been to Rick's know what friendly confines I'm speaking of: the pungent mixed aroma (vomit, smokes, Cool Water from the Chaldean dance corner, maybe some weed). Late in the night, who should walk down the stairs trolling for newly-minted 21 year old girls but Antonio Smith and Mateen Cleaves! Let's get something out of the way right now. I gushed. I was star-struck. These are two of my top 10 favorite athletes of all time. Throwing aside my knowledge that these former deities of the Breslin Center wanted nothing to do with a stupidly drunk white kid, I approached Smith and asked him about a recent rumor I'd heard from a roommate. I asked, "I heard you're going to try football, is that true?" Smith replied cooly, "....yep." He then stared at me for about 2 seconds, then gingerly walked away. My regret for aborting my plan for a high-five was masked by my excitement about the news. A couple days later... boom. Since then, I've been ruminating constantly to come up with my five athletes I want to see play a different sport than the one they make their living in. Let's take a look at my Top 5. We'll break down their ideal position and even throw in the team that fits them in their new league. Join me, won't you?...

Honorable Mention:

Brian Urlacher

Ideal Sport: Hockey

Troy Polamalu

Ideal Sport: War

Richie Sexson

Ideal Sport: Basketball

5) Monta Ellis

Current Gig: Shooting Guard - Golden State Warriors

New Gig: Center Field - Oakland Athletics

The Skinny: If he wasn't so good at basketball (aside from Chris Paul, the most exciting player to watch in the NBA), Athletics GM Billy Beane might actually be able to make this happen. Monta (pronounced MON-tay, if there are any girls reading this) is one of the most athletic players of any sport. His style of play kind of reminds me of how Kenny Lofton used to play in those MTV Rock and Jock basketball games. With the A's power lineup (Barton, Cust, Thomas), what would be better than a guy who could get on base at a .500 clip? And can you imagine some of the gems we'd see with him patrolling center field in cavernous McAfee Coliseum!?! That's a double whammy for leaving him in Oakland. Plus, it seems like people really start to like the Bay Area once they're out there for a while, so if it ain't broke we ain't gonna fix it. They need to make a video game for this kind of stuff. Pronto, Tonto. 

4) Calvin Johnson 

Current Gig: Wide Receiver/Future Bust - Detroit Lions

New Gig: Shooting Guard/Small Forward - Los Angeles Clippers

The Skinny: Two seasons ago, the Clippers looked as if they had finally righted the ship (pun DEFINITELY intended). They won a playoff series, they were relatively young, the Lakers were in neutral, etc. Things were finally looking up for the sports world's most forgotten franchise. Then, they remembered they were the Clippers and fell right back into the middle of the lottery. They always seem to have just enough ping pong balls to be embarrassing, but not enough to land a franchise-changer. Here's the solution: the Clippers agree to host the Lions in L.A. for a long, booze-and-sex-filled weekend every off-season, and the Leos give them Calvin. Think of the Clip's core: Chris Kaman, Elton Brand, Megatron, and Shaun Livingston. CJ, at a legit 6'6" and having more speed than Amy Winehouse's purse, would be an ideal fit for the Clippers at shooting guard. He would also be featured on 82 episodes of SportsCenter a year for being on the receiving ends of the glorious alley-oops from Livingston. I'm actually imagining this happen now. Plus, it makes sense for him to be on the Clippers, as they're most accurately described as the Detroit Lions of the NBA.

3) Kyle Farnsworth

Current Gig: Relief Pitcher/Gas Can - New York Yankees

New Gig: Defense - Pittsburgh Penguins

Bonus New Gig: Underground Street Fighter a la Kimbo Slice

The Skinny: There's no way to deny this simple truth: Kyle Farnsworth is a very bad pitcher. Admittedly, I have a certain disdain for him after watching him blow countless games for the Cubs and Tigers. When he was traded to the Braves in '05 (Dave Dombrowski's most underrated trade), the air suddenly seemed fresher. Water tasted crisper. It was like I was living in a garden and Dave Dombrowski just pulled out the biggest weed in the flower bed. Watching Farnsworth pitch is like watching Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn from Major League (and he can get up to 100 mph), except he never gets any better as the movie goes on. While infuriating, he does have a certain charm that only a redneck of his caliber can exude. He is a straight-up ass kicker. What better way for the Penguins to protect their young investments - Sidney Crosby and Evegeni Malkin - than by hiring the best enforcer this side of Bob Probert? It's a can't miss! You know what the best part is? Look at his picture. Would you go into a fight with that guy thinking, "Alright, stay alert. This could get ugly." Hell no! Everyone and their feisty grandmother would go toe to toe with Farnsworth carrying the kind of cocksure attitude that earns you a missing tooth. To quote Michael Scott: "Win, win... win."

2) LeBron James

Current Gig: Small Forward - Cleveland Cavaliers

New Gig: Wide Receiver - Oakland Raiders

The Skinny: Oakland gets another one! I have it on decent authority that Jay-Z's new best friend is one of, if not the fastest player in the NBA. My own visual observations have done nothing to disprove this theory and it can't be denied: there is absolutely no ceiling on LeBron's career. Count me as one of the believers that when it's all said and done he'll be considered the best all-around basketball player that's ever lived. It's a shame he represents Cleveland or I might actually not want to throw something at the TV when he flashes that I'm-a-smug-little-bastard smirk. As good as LeBron's physical tools are for him on the hardwood, I can't help but think that he could also have an extraordinary career as a receiver. If the only reason you could think of why he wouldn't be a football phenom is he might be "too tall", I'd say that's pretty good. He's on the Raiders because since Brett Favre retired (dammit! I swore I'd never mention that on this blog! dammit!), every other QB in the league besides JaMarcus Russell would be constantly under-throwing him. Besides, with LeBron on the same team as Russell, McFadden, DeAngelo Hall, and Sebastian Janikowski, the Raiders would have the potential to foster almost as many illegitimate children as Travis Henry. Yeah, I went there.

1) Allen Iverson

Current Gig: Point Guard/Shooting Guard - Denver Nuggets

New Gig: Quarterback - Baltimore Ravens

The Skinny: This move almost makes too much sense. It's a crime that it hasn't happened already. Where to begin? AI is one of the gutsiest players in any sport since Rudy. His competitive spirit and underdog mentality are evident literally every single night he plays (by the way, don't think I didn't see the obvious "Practice?!" joke here, I just didn't feel like making one - if you're so inclined, be my guest). I think a guy with his heart should be seen on our country's biggest stage, and that's the NFL hands down. Furthermore, he is a bona-fide good quarterback. He led his high school to a Virginia state championship, made All-State, and cut his teeth against future NFL QB Aaron Brooks. (source) With his shot at an NBA title fading away faster than Carmelo's right to have a license, Iverson should cut his losses and return to the sport he truly loves: football. At only 6'0", he lacks prototypical QB size, but so does Drew Brees and he does alright for himself. And what about AI in Baltimore? The potential for headlines to come out of that pairing rates at a 46 out of 10. Even in his photos he already looks like an extra from The Wire! Imagine a post-game AI chillin at the Inner Harbor with Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Willis McGahee, Chris McAllister, and the appropriate members of all those dudes' entourages. They'd need to get a police permit to chew a piece of bubble gum! And AI is from the metro Baltimore area. If there is a heaven, and through some loophole I actually get to go there, I bet I'll get to relax in a bean bag chair on Sundays, watching AI do what Reggie Bush is already supposed to be doing. Dare to dream...

I'm Gonna Live Forever!!!

Setting: I'm with my main man Nelson and his girlfriend, enjoying my existence as the world's most amazing Third Wheel. I thought - since Brian and Kevin are apparently deceased - that I'd post a video that got me through some tough times in life. Laughter, abortions, and Will Arnett. It's a new Holy Trinity of goodtimes. Also....... I'm pretty drunk. Enjoy.

Big Ten > Big XII

// If you haven't seen this yet, take a moment. Sit down, adjust, make yourself comfortable. Imagine yourself as an Athletic Director of a large D-1 university. You're in charge of countless individuals and facilities. One of your biggest earners, the football team, has an enormous stadium that is truly a testament to your program's glory. Every fall Saturday, it's filled to capacity with people cheering for the team you oversee. In fact, your team is so popular that people are flooding the gates for the spring game! What if someone comes into your office and asks, "Hey boss, I feel like we could add a little extra shtick to the football games. Got any ideas?" Well, if you're one of the handful of historical idiots that ran athletics at Colorado, you answered like this: "Let's get a dangerous LIVE ANIMAL!" Enjoy...

// From the department of paintings that weird-ify the consumer culture icons that shaped my childhood: check out this painting of the Cereal Mascot Reunion. The beauty of this piece is in the subtle details. Also the cigarettes. I always knew something was troubling the Trix rabbit. Now, it might be too late...

// You know how during the promos for network shows there's always that last shot where the main character(s) is just looking at the camera doing nothing? Like when the FOX voice-over guy goes, "...starting at 8 on an all-new FOX MONDAY!" in his gravelly voice and then there's just Jack Bauer looking straight at you (and kind of pissed off and suspicious that you might be a terrorist)? Good news: I came across this YouTube gem showing a video of the casting process of Gossip Girl. It's shows people they were considering for the show doing those moves you see actors do on their promo shots. Only there's no sound or voice-over so they're just standing there looking like slaphappy dipshits. Without any background behind it, you're looking at a solid 7.5 on the weirdly funny scale. Or maybe I'm just bored.

// According to Wikipedia, Fox is set to release Speed 3 on October 28th, 2009. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

// Speaking of idiotic movie studios (and the pompous people like myself who think they could do better), I was watching Teen Wolf today. I was watching the scene where Michael J. Fox takes the way-out-of-his-league girl to the bowling alley for a date - after an implied afternoon session of werewolf sex in the auditorium - and Teen Wolf and the girl are exchanging little kisses and he's getting really flirty etc... I absolutely cannot believe that there wasn't at least one studio bigwig who said, "Hey, guys? Don't you kinda think the kids might be scared of a werewolf in their school? I mean, why are we assuming he would automatically become super popular? His whole race has been portrayed as a bunch of murderous monsters. I don't know, maybe it's just me but this might be a silly idea for a movie." That must have been some dynamite blow they were doing in the 80s.

// At last, I can die in peace:

The Bad & The Good/Glorious, The Weird, The Good Again

// I find a new reason to love my country everyday. Wait, did I say love? I didn't mean love. I meant "reason to practice an Irish accent so I can lie to people on cruise ships and thereby avoid being associated with the people that would actually respond and have their opinions altered by mindless ads like this." That's what I meant.

// Now, a short story titled Reason #4,127 Why I'm Falling Weirdly In Love with Apple. About a 7 weeks ago, bad luck struck me with his scepter of misfortune. I still can't figure out how it happened, but my iPod fell out of my pocket somewhere between my car and my bedroom. A day after I came to this conclusion, snow fell in Grosse Ile and my iPod was presumably plowed into perpetual purgatory. I had just gotten my iPhone. This - combined with my assumptions that I would never find it and it wouldn't work anyway - led me to give it the old "f*ck it". Fast forward to this past Thursday: my mother calls me and says in a very exciting manner, "I found your iPod!!!" I was beyond excited until she immediately added in a much more subdued tone, "...and it doen't work at all." Ah. Bummer. When I went home this past weekend, I asked my mom if the coroner cleared me to see the body. Much like I expected, the ipod was caked in mud. But wait, I did have a case on it. I took off the case and noticed the damage wasn't nearly as bad as was reported by the matriarch. What my mom perceived to be a broken iPod was simply a drained battery! My iPod (which I named Chief Song-Hawk because of its red skin) had survived for more than a month and a half in the outdoors! It made it out alive like Tom Hanks in Castaway! Neither rain, nor sleet nor snow will keep me from listening to Bell Biv DeVoe's "Poison" during the walk home from a successful exam. Suck it, Mother Nature. Thanks, Steve Jobs.

// Speaking of music, I was listening to my "Recent Radio" playlist today and my imagination/stupidity got the best of me. FYI: the "Recent Radio" playlist takes my last 100 songs added from the pop, rap, hip-hop, hip hop, hiphop, and/or R&B genres. Gotta love smart playlists. Anyways, I was jamming down the street (and throwing in the occasional shoulder lean) to "Shawty" and I wondered about a potentially awkward social situation in the increasingly politically correct world of ours. Do you think, somewhere out there, that a man has had an African-American girlfriend who was also a little person? Do you think that man - or someone else - has ever made the accidental error of calling an African-American little person woman "shawty"? Not to sound insensitive, but these are the kind of things we need on YouTube.

// I came across a t-shirt the other day. It wasn't just any old t-shirt. I would go so far as to call this t-shirt The Best Invention For Loud, Obnoxious People Like Myself EVER. Look it over then come back..........aaaaaaaand welcome back. Inspired by this glory, I thought about songs I would like to enter a room to. Entrance songs would all require an AWESOME >6 second part if nothing else. Six seconds because that's the maximum amount of time in which one can make a truly bitchin' entrance. Walking around songs could obviously be of greater length. Without further ado....

***TOP 5 T-SHIRT SONGS (Mike circa April 2008)***
+ Looking Glass - Brandy (You're a Fine Girl) For the "doodoot doo doo dooooo" portion. A good fit for most situations. Except funerals.
+ Kanye West feat. T-Pain - Good Life The very start when Kanye says, "Like we always do at this time." It'd be great for entering a party.
+ Thin Lizzy - The Boys are Back in Town For when I'm at Sharkey's, pre-idiocy.
+ N.E.R.D. - Lapdance No reason. Although I've always wondered what strip clubs are like.
+ Dropkick Murphys - I'm Shipping Up to Boston It could give a man the edge he needs when fighting someone bigger than him. Could've used it on my 19th birthday.

Old Hone

Admittedly, I have been slacking off a little bit with the posts of late. It's not so much out of lack of effort, but sometimes you just don't know what to write about, hey blogging aint easy. But, there's been one man who has been carrying Kevin and I on his shoulders. That man would be Mike, a.k.a. "Old Hone". With clever commentary on the world at large, running diaries of tigers games, and fun internet links he has upheld the mainstream name, and for that I salute you, Old Hone. May God guide you in your quest of awesomeness.

The Adventures of Food Boy

Just watch the trailer and trust me, this is legit. I can't believe some of the ideas that get made into movies.

Mother of God.

You Think You Know...

...but you have no idea. This is the diary of Mike. I'm taking a slightly different approach to today's post. Rest assured, the usual brand of BS and nonsensical prose will remain, but before we get into that I'd like to tell two short anecdotes from my morning. I don't think I'll ever forget this morning. If it's even possible, this morning saw me become even more cynical and dubious towards my fellow man (and woman); especially the ones that occupy East Lansing. Follow me, won't you?.....

// This first one set the tone for what has been an odd day. The setting: West Circle, the fine campus of Michigan State University. I'm enjoying what has to be the nicest weather of the calendar year thus far. I am steeee-ruttin' my stuff and listening to "No Air" by Jordin Sparks featuring Chris Brown. Don't judge me, it's an awesome song and I love it. I can't explain it, but I never want to stop listening to "No Air". Getting back to the point, I'm enjoying my walk. As I pass IM Circle, I see a coat hanger that has been hung onto one of the holes in the post of a No Parking sign. Strategically attached to the hanger is a yellow sheet of 8.5 by 11, held by a Scotch piece. On the paper, it was scribed:

WHAT WOMEN CHOOSE WHEN THEY DON'T HAVE A CHOICERegardless of personal feelings on the issue, who in the hell would make that? I was stupefied, and with that little nugget of awful imagery, I went to take on the day. Little did I know: insanity was about to double down with the dealer showing an ace.

// The setting: CAS 299, Media Writing. I love this class. Every assignment, every lecture, loves it. I won't bore you with the details of what we do, but trust me it's rad. Today was like most other Tuesdays in the class as we had a quiz. The quizzes are pretty easy and - since I like this class so much - I actually put forth a legit effort to learn the material. As was foreseen, I completed the quiz with about 5 minutes to spare. I could do one of two things: re-check my answers in case of the proverbial brain-fart OR charge it to the game. You know it? You know it! As I flipped the quiz to what I refer to as "doodle side", inspiration hit me. My Tigers eked out a gritty win last night and are mashing again tonight in search of their first 2-game win streak of the season. What better way to pay homage to the baseball gods than by doodling the Olde English D? ENGAGE! After completing what had to have been the best D I've ever drawn, I'm approached by a TA (hereafter referred to as "Psycho McBabblesalot") who says to me, "I'm gonna need to take your paper." I say, "OK." thinking I was finished and she was just keeping a clean house. My friends, I was far from finished. To wrap this story up because it's not as funny as I thought it'd be, she accused me and the chappy next to me of cheating. After class, I calmly explained to the professor that the D I drew - with a hat around it - was in no way an attempt to telegraph the answer "D" to the guy to my right. I asked him to look at the hat I was wearing (Tigers hat) and to not stoop to the same idiot level of his TA. He obliged, and as I was walking home from class I thought, "Hey, this might be a funny story for the 'stream." Clearly, I was mistaken. Oops. Seeya.

THE LINK DUMP:
+ Psychoanalyst Finger Puppets I think these would be nice to have on a bad day
+ Spoon-Holder Bowl If you've ever had a "Lucky Charm" marshmallow stuck to your spoon, you recognize the need for this gorgeous piece of dishware
+ Jelly Belly MAN FLAVORS I love "man" marketing. This isn't too far-fetched, really.
+ The Rather Difficult Font Game I scored a whopping 10/34. If you can do better, holla back. It's very hard. And stupid.

I'm going outside to play catch. If there's also nice weather in your area, enjoy! If not, sucks to be you! Late.

Kevin's B-Day: A Day of Celebration!

Twenty-three years ago today, the world was graced with the presence of a man. This man was a warrior; not of brawn or sword, but of destiny. Today, we celebrate the anniversary of his ascendence and pay homage to his past as well as his future. Happy Birthday, Kevin! Many happy returns.

B&R IV: How Do I Reeeeach These Keeeeeds?

// The above image was selected by my roommate Ben. He said it made him think back to the good ole' days. I didn't know what that meant, so I just went along and kept sippin' on my Diet Coke. Like an American man should.

// Blog Review: Under the microscope this week is Smashing Telly, a blog that posts videos. But Miiiike! Can't we just watch videos on YouTube or something? Hold the phone, Joe Pepitone. The videos they post are way more rad. Do you ever find yourself sitting and searching for something on TV but nothing is catching your eye? Here is your answer. Have you ever watched Jeopardy with me and wondered how I got so unbelievably good? Here is your answer. The videos posted are documentaries (mostly dealing with academic subjects) that air on foreign TV. This blog isn't for you, John Q. Public. It isn't for the easily amused. But if you're bored and are looking for a little more than your average Home Improvement rerun where Tim Allen goes "Ugh", surf on over and peruse. Youknowit.

// Because he's like a giant letter T that goes f*cking nuts!

// I've often fantasized about pulling neat little tricks on police officers. I've had a plot for years in which I would wash out a fifth of vodka, fill it with water and then stand on a busy corner, dance around and drink the whole damn thing. With gusto. I used to really, really dislike cops. Actually I still do, just not as much since my cousin became a cop in Philly. But still, for the most part I've had nothing but extremely unpleasant experiences with Johnny Law and his goodtime buddies. Were all my run-ins with the law exclusively my fault? Maybe. It's hard to say for certain. There's shades of gray. But getting to the point, these kids in Wisconsin beat me to the pleasantly precocious police prank punch. They pulled a fast one on the fuzz and - just as I imagined - the cops couldn't do diddly. Kudos to them.

// You can pretty much make anything into a video game these days. If they're making this, where's the line anymore? Does it even exist? Why not have a video game version of cleaning your room? That makes just as much sense to me, especially considering I'd much rather watch some jerk clean his room than some jerk mash on 50 hot dogs.

// If you're eager for a chuckle, and let's be honest, who isn't? Am I right? Am I right or what, America? Aww yeeeahhh..... If you're eager for a chuckle, check out this list compiled by the New York Post. It's basically a long list of jokes. Good jokes, though. Way better than anything I'm writing.

// Time for America's favorite running blog segment: Young Idiots & Their Science Experiments. Let's make fun of some children!

Cleaning Agents? Your Drink?
And you thought we couldn't top "Animal Magnetism". Let's start with that title. Even if the kid made a poorly titled science experiment, EVEN IF it's a presentation that was made by a kid whose class was down by the boiler room, EVEN IF the kid has developed a drinking problem by age 11 (see above), most well-educated individuals can deduct what the experiment is by it's title. Not on their watch. What could this experiment be? A taste test between various sodas and cleaning agents? An experiment to see how much cleaning agent is already in your drink? A social experiment to see if drunk middle school girls will drink cleaning agents and pretend they're drunk in order to hook up with the first kid who frosted his tips? The questions are infinite, the answers are few. Judging by their collective smiley, dipshit faces, these idiots share at least a little genetic material. Either that or they have some affliction that I probably shouldn't be making fun of. Either way, I have a theory: somewhere just outside an SEC campus, in a college bar around 1995, someone asked these kids' parents, "Cleaning Agents? Your Drink?" The parents, unable to hear over the Macarena and/or Spin Doctors CDs, said yes. The results of the Windex in their bloodstream and an unfortunately broken condom are the two gentlemen we see above. God Bless America? Yep. You betcha. God Bless America!

// Lastly, let's enjoy a viral video. Warning: this isn't a non-gross video. Yeah, that was a double negative. It's the blogosphere, baby. Suck it. Seriously though, there's no nudity or vomit or any other bodily fluid, but it's still a wee bit nasty. Unless you're legit squeemish, there's no reason to avoid this. Two things. 1) The music is from the first fight between Rocky and Apollo Creed. 2) It's scary how close I've come to doing something similar to this. Thanks, Sinbad. The actor. He's my guardian angel. Let's hit it!

Detroit Is Embarrassing

Detroit Satisfaction Meter
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Currently I am a little dissatisfied and embarrassed of Detroit. In the past couple of weeks there have been national news stories that have put Detroit in the spotlight. The first national news story that I saw was a coverage piece on how our nation’s high schools are failing. It spotlighted a couple of cities like Atlanta where statistics showed that only 52% of kids graduate high school there. I was watching as they were going around the map highlighting cities in a cautionary blinking yellow graphic just waiting for Detroit to come up, but it never did. They were all done and had about 7 or 10 different cities highlighted on the map with Atlanta having the worst statistic. Wow, I thought to myself, we don’t suck at education. And then the camera dramatically cut to Wolf Blitzer, and as if FERMI just blew up, a huge blinking red light was going off right over Detroit as the news came in that only 23% of kids living in Detroit graduate high school. You never disappoint, Detroit. 1 in 4 kids graduate from high school in Detroit, what do the other 3 do? I bet you can guess.

Within a week of this story coming out, the mayor of Detroit, Suge Knight err Kwame Kilpatrick, was indicted on 4 felony charges. Perjury, obstruction of justice, ya know the standard mayor stuff. He is still the mayor by the way. So Detroit has got a lot of things going against it; corruption, unemployment, drugs, homelessness, gangs, all of which are culminated into this. …actually I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing. All of these things are true about Detroit, but there’s one thing that holds the city together, that one thing that prevents the city from imploding on itself. That is of course, Detroit sports. We’ve got the Tigers, the Pistons, the Red Wings, and a football team. And this being “April in the D” we’ve got a very exciting couple of weeks ahead of us. The Pistons and Red Wings are gearing up for the playoffs and the Tigers started their season… which brings us to why the Detroit satisfaction meter is lower then normal. The Tigers started off the 2008 season with a disappointing 0-7 start. On paper they are suppose to be the best offensive team in the league, yet they have only scored 15 runs in the past 7 games. They look horrible at the plate, and every time I see Grilli warming up in the bullpen I just say, “f*ck”. If I could have it so that the Pistons, Red Wings, and Lions never won a single game for the next 5 years, just so that I could live to see the Tigers win a World Series I would do it in a heartbeat. I still think that they are going to make it to the postseason, but they are going to have to make some moves to fix that bullpen… a possible Inge trade? The first win of the season is coming up, actually my money is on tonight. I’m not in panic mode yet, but seriously guys let’s go, stop sucking. I don’t think I could handle another 2003 season so please don’t do this to me.

Sport Trophy Quiz

Here's a fun little quiz about sports trophies. It stars off very easy but becomes kinda tough. I got 9/12.

An actual worthwhile post is on its way tonight. Right now, I'm busy watching the Tigers as they continue to show America how to waste $138 million. Late!

Running Diary - Tigers vs. Royals Game 3

Hey, sports fans. This is the first of (hopefully) many running diaries that the 'Stream will do. Allow me to set the table for this particular glory-filled post. It's about 1:00 PM and I'm done with school for the week. My favorite sports team finds itself on a 2 game schneid-piece and I'm not happy about it. I got a big bag of nacho cheese Doritos and some tall boys of Busch Light. Let's make a running diary!

1:02 - Bad start. Starting in centerfield..... Clete Thomas!!!! I'm already regretting this. I knew I should've taken a nap today. Allegedly Miggy has a sore quad so Brandon had to go to the hot corner. I don't buy it. Jim Leyland is the Mike Shannahan / Bill Belichik of the NFL. The lesson, as always: never pay to see the Tigers play the last game of a series. Leyland always trots out the JV squad. Infuriating.
1:10 - 3 up 3 down for Bonderman. In the first inning. I think someone put a roofie in my beer.
1:12 - Clete Thomas flies out to left center, Polanco gets his first hit of the season on a weak grounder to short
1:14 - As Greinke is taking 50 seconds between every pitch, I can't stop looking at Placido chewing his mouthpiece like a 3 year old. Is there a worse accessory a ballplayer can wear?
1:17 - Mags keeps looking more like a baby every year. That hair.
1:19 - My roommate Mike accurately predicts that Carlos Guillen will leave both runners on base. I feel more and more anxious about this team every time I watch. Thank goodness for inexpensive adult beverages.
1:27 - Bonderman lets a single by but gets the next batter to ground out and end the inning. He looks good today, almost as if he took a couple shots of JD after long toss.
1:29 - Pudge didn't strike out!!!!! He flew out after swinging at a first pitch letters-high fastball, but still!
1:31 - Mario Impemba and Rod Allen have been suspiciously non-awful today. It's throwing me off. Do you think they have an offseason program like the athletes? Does their boss come in and say, "I'm sending you two to broadcaster camp! Don't come back until you make sense whilst talking!"
1:33 - Ernie Harwell commercial for BCBS Michigan. I just want tapes of his voice to play when I go to sleep. Sound gay? It is.
1:36 - Like clockwork. Rod Allen: "The game of baseball is very difficult to play. We just make it sound easy up here."
1:41 - Clete Thomas looks like a real nice guy. I'd like to share a beer with him. As I'm writing this, he just swung about 2 minutes late on a 2-2 fastball.
1:44 - If Rod Allen was starting a team tomorrow, Zach Greinke would be in his rotation. Every time I watch the Tigers, I feel like I know way more than Rod Allen. That's a nice perk.
1:47 - All those bat wiggles earned Gary Sheffield a reeeeal good looking routine fly to left. I wish these dicks would score some runs. Beers 3 & 4 are gone.
1:52 - "Carlos must've broken his glove. He's doing some minor surgery on it", says Rod. Mario answers with, "Dr. Carlos." Sometimes life just smiles down on you.
1:54 - Alex Gordon is a strong man! Anyone in this office take a run at him! Tigers down 2-0 on a dingbone to left center. Sonofabitch.
1:56 - They just showed Alex Gordon in the dugout. He looks like he just satisfied a woman like 6 times. At least I think that's what it's supposed to look like.
1:58 - Everyone's Favorite Walking Tribute to Chunk from The Goonies, Billy Butler, hits a shallow fly to right. Mags running after it looks like a 1996 Christmas mom trying to get the last Tickle Me Elmo at KB Toys.
2:00 - Is it just me, or are the only qualifications for being a big-league manager is that you're "grizzly" and "hard-nosed"? I think most GMs figure that any guy with unkempt facial hair and a mean disposition can win a World Series now.
2:06 - I just decided I'm going to be about as patient with the Tigers as the Tigers are in their at-bats. Which at this point is to say nothing remotely patient. Sheesh.
2:11 - Pudge didn't strike out!!!!! He grounded into a fielder's choice, but still.
2:15 - My roommates and I are in an in-depth discussion about fat chicks who lose weight. Final verdict: it doesn't matter. We like chunkbones and thinbones. To quote the late, great Big Pun: I don't discriminate.
2:17 - Back to the game. Gordon's back up. Hide the women and children.
2:20 - Bonderman gets out of the inning in only like 40 pitches. His arm's gonna fall off before May.
2:25 - Rod says Greinke has electric stuff. Doesn't that sound like he's describing a bag of good weed? As I'm writing this, the electric stuff just walked Brandon Inge.
2:30 - Fly out to left. I got a good buzz going. Y'know...... FYI. On a baseball-related note, why can't the Tigers score runs?
2:33 - As I'm being enticed to "See what all the excitement is about" at Oakland University, I wonder if there has ever been a single university commercial that isn't terrible.
2:35 - Rod and Mario are waist deep in a discussion about roller skating. Ladies and gentlemen, FSN DETROIT!
2:37 - Mark Teahen hammers a Bonderman 2-out BP fastball to right. To borrow a line from Bill Simmons, I'm now lighting myself on fire.
2:39 - I wanna take a brief moment to give y'all a site update: we're gonna be adding another member to the 'Stream Team real soon. Get excited for that because the guy's a good shit. Also, I wanna give a no-reason shout out to the only person I'll probably ever know who will live in Kansas City. What up Mal.
2:41 - Chuck Hernandez (pitching coach) comes out to talk to Bondy. He says, "Hey. How ya doing? Can you do me a favor? Stop giving up homers to average hitters. If they score more runs than we do, they win the baseball game. K? THAAAAANKS!" By the way, why is this guy's name Chuck Hernandez? He looks whiter than Carson Daly. It'd be like if my name was Malik Abdul Jenkins-Lopez.
2:45 - Finally some hitting! Mags hits a leadoff double that would be a homer in 25 other ballparks. I can't wait to see how they strand him this time. He'll probably get hit on the foot with a grounder. I'm dipping into reserve beers that have been in the fridge for God knows how long. I don't ever wanna leave college.
2:47 - Pudge didn't strike out!!!!!! He hit a weak infield fly, but still.
2:49 - High Comedy. FSN just flashed a graphic listing the career averages of all Tiger hitters with the heading "Don't Panic!"
2:52 - Two infield flies and a weak grounder later, Magglio is left on 2nd looking like Javier Bardem in "No Country", only with slightly worse hair and no noticeable limp.
2:54 - THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN BEING AMBUSHED BY A TAMPON COMMERCIAL. Does that industry really need advertisement? I think their product falls under the umbrella of necessity. Why the constant reminders?!?!?!
3:01 - Gordon's back up. This time against lefty specialist Bobby Seay.
3:02 - OOOOOHHHH!!!!!!! Gordon went deeptee, but Marcus Thames FLEW to the warning track and raked his grill against the fence! I'm excited again!!! More exclamation points!!!!
3:04 - My roommate Stickballs just came out with a gem, "That'll probably be on Sportscenter. Scott Van Pelt will talk about it. He'll say, 'Ohhh I'm Scott Van Pelt. Tall. Bald. Van Pelt.' Jackass." If I wasn't drinking and trying to type I would've laughed harder.
3:08 - A little KC small ball manufactures another run. The Tigers have been outscored 13-4 in this series so far. I know it's a long season and everything, but it's just plain old disheartening to get swept AT HOME in your opening series.
3:12 - FSN is pimping "April in the D" where they're showing just a buttload of Tigs, Pistons, and Wings games. My first thought? A good name for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles porno movie would be "D in the April". Thanks, Busch Light.
3:16 - Brandon "The Babe" Inge just got the Tigs on the board with a solo HR to left. The one guy that management doesn't want to keep is the only hitter playing decent so far this season. I don't have to say it, but I will. Dammit.
3:18 - It's worth mentioning that Brandon - for some time - has been "My Tiger". What do I do when he ceases to be an everyday player? Can I ditch him? Gosh how can they make fandom so hard? It might be because I'm drunk, but I'm getting emotional here.
3:26 - I really don't care for - check that, I really hate - people who use the network's acronym to make phrases on a poster board just to get on TV. I was almost guilty of this myself once in Columbus, OH for UM/OSU in 2002, but my boys and I couldn't think of anything good. Blessing in disguise. If my kid tries that, he or she is grounded for a weekend.
3:32 - After Sheffield stupidly tried to stretch a single into a two-bagger and got tagged, Carlos Guillen had a nice piece of hitting and doubled into left-jeezy. Shef would've scored, but he wasn't on base because he's not smart. Argh!
3:33 - Now batting...... Me in 4th Grade!!!!...errr.... Pudge Rodriguez!!! His strike out strands Carlos at 3rd.
3:38 - Rod must know the game is about over because his "Not Making Sense Meter" is reading a big fat 50. Regarding Joey Gathright, Rod says, "He should have to jump over a car to get on base. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about (editor's note: everyone with a working brain), there's a series of videos where Gathright jumps over cars." Mario follows up with, "Yes, that's true." I'm glad I decided to do this.
3:44 - Commercial break before the bottom of the ninth. The most inspirational commercial in the world just appeared before my eyes. The Foundation For a Better Life. Check if it's on YouTube. Actually, I will. If it's there I'll put it at the bottom. I feel like I cold run a marathon after watching it. You'll see.
3:47 - Random thought: I'm surprised no baseball player (at least recently) has used their bat to mimic a penis after a big home run or something. That'd be my go-to move if I was bangin'. Like after a walk-off or something, right?
3:50 - After he flies out to left for out 2, FSN highlights Thames' contributions with the glove in their new extra super duper slow motion. Running face-first into a wall looks very painful.
3:55 - Tigers lose 4-1. Bring on the White Sox!

// By the way, I couldn't find that uplifting commercial. Sorry guys. Actually, I don't even care. I'm sleeping til 8ish. Late.

Hillary Wasn't Lying!

To keep up with our "political" edge, there has been newly discovered footage of Hillary Clinton in Bosnia that proves that she was not lying when she said she arrived under the cover of sniper fire.

Big Post - Get Comfy

As I write this, my beloved Tigers are about to fall to 0-2 on the season.... yep now they just lost. To the FREAKING ROYALS. Dammit. Baseball is my favorite sport not only because it's just so much fun, but also because it is infuriating when you're a fan of what you know is a great team and watching them lose games they shouldn't. It's sadomasochism at its best. Enough small talk, let's get to it...

// Blog Review: Today we review the humor blog Garfield Minus Garfield. If any of you were as stupid as I was from 1989-91, you found Jim Davis' Garfield comic strip to be the pinnacle of modern humor. HAHAHAHA! This cat likes lasagna! What in the world?!? Seriously though, it was idiotic. Enter Garfield Minus Garfield. The blog is pretty self-explanatory. They take various Garfield strips and remove the asshole cat and his possible speed freak sidekick dog, leaving only the owner and breadwinner of the household: Mr. Jon Arbuckle. You're supposed to read the strip as if Jon is a lonely, delusional schizophrenic. In a world showing more and more favor to absurd comedy, nothing I've ever read is as funny as Garfield Minus Garfield. There are usually several new strips a day and M A I N S T R E A M gives this blog its highest recommendation. A+ for the hilarity. Make it a daily stop on your trip through the blogosphere.

// I can count on one hand the times I've listened to a traffic report on the radio and actually made an effort to listen. The only instances I can recall are those involving a truck spill. In a perfect world, we'd have funny (I guess I also have to say injury-free) truck spills every day. Here is a website that finally answers the masses and our bloodlust for consumer goods being strewn about the interstate. After reading this, I found myself wondering, "What would be the best item that could be spilt from a semi?" It took me about .06 seconds to come up with the perfect answer: pre-inflated blow-up sex dolls. Believe in your dreams.

// In this glorious illustration of The Last Supper (Nintendo), everyone's favorite Italian plumber is set in the Judas spot! And Donkey Kong is in the Jesus position! What gives? I'll tell you what gives. Mario's video game debut was not in Super Mario Bros. for NES as many believe. It was in fact in the original Donkey Kong arcade game in which he was simply known as "Jumpman". So DK gave Mario his start in the biz, albeit by stealing his lady and throwing barrels at him. Regardless, after achieving his own fame, Mario never gave DK his props, leaving the leviathan ape to wallow in 8-bit purgatory until the Nintendo 64 came out. A very subtle, yet powerful commentary by the artist of this Louvre-worthy piece.

// Speaking of art, I've had this good idea floating around in the noggin for a while. I think the art world should produce a series of Baroque pieces depicting modern scenes in history. The only good ones I can think of are assassinations (influenced by Caravaggio, for sure), but you have to admit those babies would sell! Think if we had the contrasting, active, dramatic style of Baroque cast over the scenes of JFK in Dallas, Biggie, Tupac, and /or Bhutto. If anyone knows a good painter, get on that and make some paper. And cut me in for 5%.

// Here's a list of the top baseball promotions of the 2008 season. I wish the Tigers would do more fun things like this. J.J Putz soul patch night? That's the coolest thing to happen to a ballpark since Old Style at Wrigley. Speaking of Wrigley, those Cubbies could use this angle to help reverse their Billy Goat Curse. Imagine: every person who comes to the stadium carrying the severed head of a billy goat gets in free! They'd win every game they played that season. Gosh I hope Mark Cuban becomes their owner.

// More from the Department of Not Doing What You're Supposed To: check out this quiz about corporate logos. It's a lot easier than that candy bar quiz, so the high score might lift some spirits and break up the monotony of Wednesday. I know what you're thinking, but no. I'm not a hero. I'm just a man with a keyboard, a lot of time to waste, and an inverted view of priorities.

// Time for America's favorite running blog segment: Young Idiots & Their Science Experiments. Let's make fun of some children!

Animal Magnetism
Yeah, you read that right. Animal Magnetism. Clearly this young chap has it, and we all know how it do: if you've got it, flaunt it. This kid honestly looks like photos I've seen of my grandpa before he served in Asia, only with a worser haircut. It looks like he's striving to be a cross between Donald Trump and that guy who delivers pizzas to a big party in the 80s and tries to finagle his way into the keg line after the transaction has been completed. Then - just for fun - he threw in a tie designed by a dyslexic 2nd grader who has a drinking problem. Part of you wants to befriend this kid just so you won't be on his list of people to kill, and part of you wants to slap him and say, "Hey. Seriously. Get with the program. We have a society here." I guess that's what he means by animal magnetism. For 4th graders who already have a better mustache than I ever will, it's a gift and a curse.

I hope your butt isn't numb from holding long witness to the preceding post. Check back tomorrow for The M A I N S T R E A M's first running diary: Game 3/162 as the winless Detroit Tigers take on the best team in baseball: The Kansas City Royals. Late.