/ / M A I N S T R E A M

Linsanity --> Please Kill Me

2012-02-11T10:20:00.009-05:00

Four starts.

25 points. 28 points. 23 points. 38 points.

While this is very impressive, despite coming against some of the worst teams in the NBA, the ESPN hype machine has already made him intolerable. Instead of appreciating his unorthodox style of play, Sportscenter has decided it's more important to come up with cool nicknames for him.

Racist? Nah.....

This jersey > All the jerseys.

"Some lucky lady in NYC is gonna feel a couple inches of pain tonight."

Stay classy Jason Whitlock.

I can only imagine the suits at Fox Sports reacted this way after seeing Whitlock's tweet.

Super Bowl XLVI LIVE

2012-02-05T18:07:00.001-05:00

Super Bowl XLVI

Just What I Expected

2012-01-29T19:29:00.003-05:00

Major: Exploration.
Only in Columbus. Institutional chaos at its finest right there boys and girls.

Super Bowl XLVI

2012-01-27T22:14:00.004-05:00

New England Patriots (-3) vs. New York Giants --- Going with the Pats and laying the points.

However, this image is the consummate metaphor for my NFL betting style.

Favorite prop bet? No choice.

Will Kelly Clarkson's bare belly be showing when she sings the national anthem? Yes 3/1, No 1/5

Pats v. Ravens AFC Title Game LIVE

2012-01-22T14:53:00.001-05:00

Ravens v. Patriots AFC Championship Game

Michigan 60 - Michigan State 59

2012-01-18T23:38:00.002-05:00

Three in a row --

The 2011 Season

2012-01-13T01:13:00.003-05:00

Well, the rollercoaster of the 2011 season ended abruptly in a game where Alabama had 5 field goals and LSU had 5 first downs. [wipes tear]

As for the model’s predictions:

+ Bowl Week Winners --
Utah (+1.5) – Georgia Tech
Nevada (+7.5) – Southern Miss
Cincinnati (+2) - Vanderbilt

+ Bowl Week Losers --
Ohio State (+3) – Florida [Much thanks to Ohio State’s special teams, which gave up 2 TDs in their 24-17 loss]

Last week: 3-1
Season: 83-48-4 (63.4%)

Betting on every game against the spread in a pool with one of my friends, Hugh, we went 17-18.

.....a little

//

Speaking of Hugh, we had a conversation today about Les Miles.

Les was asked a question about defensive tackle Michael Brockers’ tweet, which updated his injury status before the SEC Championship Game.
Somehow, it makes perfect sense and I’m still wondering if Les was mocking the question or if he’s explaining what exactly happened. Either way, this in one of the most amazing/confusing/Les Mile-esque quotes of all-time, and that’s saying A LOT.

//

Other than that, we now wait nine months. See you in Dallas over Labor Day Weekend. Michigan. Alabama. Cowboys Stadium.

It's been a pleasure, folks. A Real Good Time... [Dr. Pepper ref]

Remember The Alamo

2011-12-30T14:59:00.005-05:00

In a contest that featured 17 touchdowns and 123 points, one Baylor fan had the nerve to bring a "D-Fence" sign to the game...

Washington's defensive coordinator looked like he had the Whiskey Sweats walking off the field.

Link Dump --

// A solid UofM wallpaper for the Sugar Bowl

// Denard can run 22 miles per hour?

Lasko's CFB Pick'em

2011-12-13T22:48:00.004-05:00

35. Oklahoma vs. Iowa
The Sooners beat Kansas State by 41, Texas by 38, and Texas A&M by 16. Injuries to Broyles & Whaley hurt their offense, and WR Jaz Reynolds won’t be playing in the bowl game, but they should still have enough to overpower the Hawkeyes. Note: Iowa is 4-0 ATS in their last four bowl games.
34. TCU vs. Louisiana Tech
Neither team has lost since October 1st (riding 7-game winning streaks). TCU’s superior offense leads to a double-digit win.
33. Boise St vs. Arizona St
Kellen Moore’s career will end with a victory over the shameless 6-6 Sun Devils. At least they have cool uniforms.
32. Temple vs. Wyoming
Hoot!
31. Texas A&M vs. Northwestern
This has all of the makings of an upset-special. Texas A&M essentially has no head coach and Northwestern will be focused. But it’s a home game for the Aggies and they are the more talented team.
30. San Diego St vs. Louisiana-Lafayette
Ragin’ Cajuns finished the year with back-to-back losses. San Diego St should control the game with Ronnie Hillman.
29. Mississippi St vs. Wake Forest
Believe me when I say that you do not want to mess with Mississippi State in a bowl game. -_-
Lots of cowbell in this one.
28. Baylor vs. Washington
Both of these defenses are heinous. RG3 exploits the Huskies’ weak secondary.
27. Michigan vs. Virginia Tech
Michigan has some similarities with Clemson, which beat Va Tech 38-10 and 23-3 this year. Geaux Blue.
26. Pittsburgh vs. SMU
SMU struggled down the stretch losing four of their last six. 0-6 ATS. Pitt exceeded expectations and finished the year 5-0 ATS.
25. Houston vs. Penn State
Neither team has their coach from the start of the season. Case Keenum will lead the Cougars to a victory in his final game.
24. Arkansas vs. Kansas St
Kansas State treated us well this year (9-3 ATS). But Tyler Wilson might have the best WR core in the nation and show throw for 4+ TDs in this one.
23. Utah vs. Georgia Tech
First underdog on the list. The Utes will have plenty of time to prepare for the triple-option.
22. Missouri vs. North Carolina
Quarterbacks James Franklin (Mizzou) and Bryn Renner (UNC) have nearly identical stats. UNC lost four of six to end the year. Mizzouri’s only loss in their last five games was to Baylor.
21. Oregon vs. Wisconsin
The Rose Bowl: Always my favorite non-UM bowl to watch. And I’m looking forward to this one. Sconnie’s defense is solid against a pro-style offense but they might struggle when the Ducks go 4-wide… Will obviously still pull for Wisconsin and the Big Ten.
20. Ohio State vs. Florida
Both teams are 6-6 overall, 5-2 at home, 1-4 on the road, score 25 points per game, and give up 21 points per game. Against Michigan, Ohio learned that they have a solid quarterback, and they want revenge from the 41-14 domination circa early-2007.
19. Cincinnati vs. Vanderbilt
While Vandy put together a solid defense this year, their offense won’t be able to keep up with Cinci.
18. LSU vs. Alabama
LSU won the 2003 national title when the championship game took place in the Sugar Bowl. Four years later = Another title in the Sugar bowl. Four years later???
17. Florida Int'l vs. Marshall
Always a stellar matchup in the Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl. Wide-receiver T.Y. Hilton will boost his draft stock in this one.
16. North Carolina St vs. Louisville
Somehow the Wolfpack beat Clemson 37-13. Good enough for me... NC State and I are still on good terms after their backdoor cover against Georgia Tech earlier this year.
15. Notre Dame vs. Florida St
Teams are statistically similar. ND looking for back-to-back wins over a Florida team in bowl games.
14. Rutgers vs. Iowa St
Rutgers went 9-3 against the spread this year. Get stronger Piscataway… Also, the game is in their back yard at Yankee Stadium. And Iowa State’s quarterback is named Steele Jantz. Ugh.
13. Tulsa vs. Brigham Young
Really like the work of Tulsa’s quarterback, GJ Kinne. (Sidenote: Bet the Over on this game.)
12. Utah St vs. Ohio U
Utah State turned their season around with five straight wins since November. I’ll ride the wave.
11. South Carolina vs. Nebraska
Similar styles. Gamecocks have more athletes to make the game-deciding plays.
10. Western Michigan vs. Purdue
Michigan beat these teams 34-10 and 36-14, respectively. I’ll go with the better quarterback in this one.
9. Nevada vs. Southern Miss
Contrarian play. SoMiss lost their head coach to North Carolina.
8. Texas vs. California
Both teams have been unpredictable all year. Does Bevo get a free trip to San Diego?
7. Virginia vs. Auburn
I like UVA’s defense and Dyer is out for the game. Wa-Hoo-Wa.
6. Arkansas St vs. Northern Illinois
Both quarterback’s lead their teams in passing and rushing. Ark St has a much better defense.
5. Illinois vs. UCLA
It’s too bad both coaches were fired a few weeks ago. Neuheisel v. Zook would be a match-up for the ages…in terms of coaching blunders.
4. Air Force vs. Toledo
“Aim High … Fly-Fight-Win”
3. Oklahoma St vs. Stanford
The two best offenses that the Cardinal faced this year, Oregon and USC, put up 53 and 48 points. But will Okie State be motivated?
2. Georgia vs. Michigan St
A pure, unadulterated, pillow fight.
1. Clemson vs. West Virginia
The Tigers faded down the stretch, but they’ll have more talent in the Orange Bowl.

Soooooooo... Navy Won

2011-12-10T19:06:00.000-05:00

Michigan State and the BCS

2011-12-06T23:02:00.004-05:00

1. There were three BCS At-Large selections. Stanford (Ranked 4^th). Virginia Tech (11^th). Michigan (13^th). Since the Sugar Bowl lost their SEC team to the national championship game, they got first pick of the At-Large selections. They chose Michigan, even over 4^th-ranked Stanford.
2. Michigan was not chosen over Michigan State. MSU was not even eligible to be selected.
3. MSU should be glad Michigan got a BCS bid. If Michigan wasn’t selected, MSU would be playing in the Insight Bowl.

//

The real message sent to MSU fans didn't come from the BCS but from the Capital One Bowl. The BCS is based on votes and isn't controlled by either MSU or UofM. But the Capital One Bowl had the choice of any Big 10 team except Wisconsin and UofM. There was no vote or ranking but all they needed to do is pick. And they picked Nebraska.

Bowl games are not about the football matchup. They never have been going all the way back to the first bowl game which was to boost tourism in the Pasadena area. The game matchup was so bad, the game was ended early.

MSU played 7 home games this year. They sold out 3 (Youngstown State, Michigan, and Wisconsin). Senior Day didn't sell out (they were short by about 900). Didn't those seniors deserve better fan support? In 2010 the MSU game at Ford Field had about 29,000 empty seats in a 65,000 seat stadium. The 2010 Senior Day fell short of selling out by about 4,000 seats. Didn't those seniors deserve better fan support?

On the other hand, according to the Nebraska website, their last home game not sold out was in mid-1962. The Nebraska teams and fans have made Nebraska a national brand.

This year's MSU team is good. However has the MSU fan base made MSU a national brand? The Capital One Bowl is saying they have not.

Week 14 Recap - Michigan to the Sugar Bowl

2011-12-04T21:28:00.003-05:00

Sugar Bowl Bound

+ Week 14 Winners --
Louisiana Monroe (-7) - 19 point cover
North Texas (-5.5) – 46.5 point cover

+ Week 14 Losers --
Houston (-13) – Southern Miss - 34 point loss

Last week: 2-1
Season: 80-47-4 (63.0%)

+ Gut Plays of the Week –-
Lost on the Dawgs but put some bets on Oklahoma State and Baylor. $

Kevbo

2011-11-30T14:19:00.002-05:00

Week 14 - Let's Heat

2011-11-29T10:23:00.002-05:00

Alabama ingenuity..... Roll Tide.

+ Week 14 Plays --
Houston (-13) – Southern Miss
Louisiana Monroe (-7) – Florida Atlantic
North Texas (-5.5) – Middle Tennessee State

Last week: 1-0
Season: 78-46-4 (62.9%)

+ Gut Plays of the Week –-
Georgia (+14) – LSU

Just claimed some winnings from preseason futures bets.
Ohio State – Under 9 Wins
Nebraska – Under 10 Wins

Did he?

Week 13 Recap - Go Blue

2011-11-28T10:57:00.003-05:00

Was on the field in the Big House before the team hit the M Go Blue banner.

+ Week 13 Winners --
Cincinnati (-3) – Syracuse The line dropped all the way to -2. Should have smashed it. 30-13 victory.

Last week: 1-0
Season: 78-46-4 (62.9%)

+ Gut Plays of the Week –-
South Carolina and Iowa State covered. War Eagle did not.

//

Exactly at this time last year, I caught the hottest streak of my life.
20-1 in 21 posted games, including a 6-0 run in the conference championships.
Could not even control the positive variance.

//

For UofM fans, it seems like Michigan will go to the BCS as long as LSU beats

Georgia

.

Geaux Tigers

Week 13: Michigan - Ohio State Week

2011-11-22T09:11:00.005-05:00

+ Week 13 Plays --
Cincinnati (-2.5) – Syracuse

Well that’s it. The model likes South Florida (-3) over Louisville, but it doesn’t factor the possibility that USF might be without their QB. A few other games are right on the edge. I’ll monitor the lines and look at them again tomorrow.

Two opens that I missed but would have played.
Penn State (+18.5) – Wisconsin. Now down to +14.5.
Pittsburgh (+10.5) – West Virginia. Now down to +6.5.

Last week: 5-5
Season: 77-46-4 (62.6%)

+ Gut Plays of the Week –-
South Carolina (-3) - Clemson. Trending towards (-4).
Iowa State (+28.5) - Oklahoma.
Auburn (+21) - Alabama

I Want Michigan in the BCS, and I Wanted It Yesterday

2011-11-21T13:48:00.003-05:00

Surprised?

There are a lot of good football games on this slate this weekend, and I will be making a lot of assumptions in this post (i.e. Wisco beating Penn State this weekend, among others). But according to my predictions, a Michigan victory over Ohio State will put the Wolverines in the BCS Sugar Bowl.

//

Except for one extreme scenario*, a maximum of two teams from one conference can go to the BCS. In the SEC, that likely means that LSU/Bama are in the BCS while Arkansas, Georgia, and South Carolina partake in early-January trips to Florida.

The Rose Bowl will be filled by the Big Ten champ (Winner of Wisco/MSU) and the Pac 12 champ (Winner of Oregon/UCLA).

The Orange Bowl will get the ACC champ vs. the Big East champ.**

The Fiesta Bowl will get the winner of Oklahoma and Okie State, and that leaves three open spots.

Houston will get one (assuming they win out), Stanford will likely get one, and Michigan will get one. The Sugar Bowl will pick first as their tie-in (SEC) will be in the championship game, so they pick Michigan or Stanford. The Fiesta then picks either Michigan or Stanford (whoever is left), and then the Sugar gets stuck with Houston.

As Michigan has a national fan base and is a big draw, the Sugar will likely pick Michigan over Stanford to face Houston in New Orleans. Get me to Bourbon Street!

On a similar note, I would rather face Houston over Ark/Georgia/SC in the ~~Citrus~~ Capital One Bowl, especially with an invite from the BCS.

*LSU/Bama are ranked #1 and #2 in the BCS, but don’t win the SEC. For the first time in history, this is conceivable. Georgia would need to beat LSU in the SEC Championship game and then have LSU/Bama stay in the top 2.
**Technically the Orange Bowl is not locked to the Big East champ. The At-Large selection order this year is Fiesta, Sugar, Orange. But because the Sugar's tie-in will be in the championship game, the selection for the At-Large teams will really be Sugar, Fiesta, Sugar again, Orange. There is no way that Michigan would get through the first three picks and go to the Orange, but the Sugar could theoretically pick the Big East champ over Houston. Seems very unlikely unless it’s West Virginia and they think that a UofM-WVU match-up is interesting.

Week 12 Recap - Batting .500

2011-11-21T13:12:00.004-05:00

+ Week 12 Winners --
Arkansas State (-10.5) Line closed at -13.5. Not that it mattered but that’s a big move.
Duke (+11) DERP
Troy (-11)
Michigan (-3)
Air Force (-23)

+ Week 12 Losers --
Marshall (-11.5)
Central Michigan (+14.5)
Oregon (-14)
Kansas (+31) 61.....to.....7 See below
Utah (-3.5)

Last week: 5-5
Season: 77-46-4 (62.6%)

+ Gut Plays of the Week –-
Ended up rolling with Kansas State (+8.5) / Penn State (+6). And that’s what we’ve earned here today, gentlemen.

Does anyone else get this picture in their head when they bet on Kansas?

Kansas State (+8.5) ???

2011-11-20T12:30:00.000-05:00

Don't mind if I do. Easy money.

Week 12 - We'll At Least Try For an 8-1 Repeat

2011-11-16T13:03:00.003-05:00

+ Week 12 Plays --
Marshall (-11.5)
Arkansas State (-10.5)
Duke (+11)
Troy (-11)
Michigan (-3)
Central Michigan (+14.5)
Oregon (-14)
Kansas (+31)
Air Force (-23)
Utah (-3.5)

Very interested in Texas (-8.5) vs. Kansas State.

Last week: 8-1
Season: 72-41-4 (63.7%)

+ Gut Plays of the Week –-
TBD

Week 11 - He's Back!

2011-11-14T13:26:00.005-05:00

+ Week 11 Winners --
Pittsburgh (+3.5) Nice outright win as projected.
UL Monroe (-5.5) 28-point victory for Warhawk nation.
Michigan (pk) UofM Scoring Defense --- 2011 = 5th; 2010 = 107th.
-- Also one of two teams in the country to give up no plays over 50 yards. Gave up 8 last year.
Kansas (+21) Overtime loss by 1.
Kansas State (+4.5) Four-OT outright win.
Western Michigan (+12.5) 66-63 loss in Toledo.
Utah (-7) Easy 18-point cover over the Bruins.
South Carolina (-2.5) Low-scoring game in Columbia led to a 5-point victory.

+ Week 11 Losers --
Cincinnati (-3) A friend warned me about the Big East. He was right... 3-point loss for Cinci.

+ Gut Plays of the Week –-
Ugh! Welcome to Loser Central. Nebraska (-3.5) and Stanford (-3.5) both got clowned.

Definitely gave back some winnings from the model.

Last week: 8-1
Season: 72-41-4 (63.7%)

Week 11 - The Rebound

2011-11-08T11:06:00.002-05:00

This was my reaction after last Saturday's fiasco. Now it's time to get back on track.

+ Week 11 Plays --
Pittsburgh (+3.5)
Cincinnati (-3)
UL Monroe (-5.5)
Michigan (pk)
Kansas (+21)
Kansas State (+4.5)
Western Michigan (+12.5)
Utah (-7)

Can’t find a line for South Carolina – Florida. If it opens at SC -3 or lower, I will play the Gamecocks.

Not laying Kansas yet. That line will grow.

America

loves Robert Griffin.

Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can’t lose.

Last week: 2-4-1
Season: 64-40-4 (61.5%)

+ Gut Plays of the Week –-
Thinking Stanford -3. Dreaming Stanford -3. Line is trading at -3.5.

Week 10 Recap - How To Take a Financial Bath

2011-11-08T10:12:00.003-05:00

+ Week 10 Winners --
Stanford (-20.5)
Tennessee (-20)

+ Week 10 Losers --
Michigan (-4)
Temple (-3)
Notre Dame (-13.5)
Boise State (-41)

Push: Missouri (+3)

Last week: 2-4-1
Season: 64-40-4 (61.5%)

LSU vs. Alabama

2011-11-06T11:31:00.004-05:00

LSU +5

Did Old Sko do it again or did Old Sko do it again? Just giving away free money. In other news I lost every other game on the board yesterday and every Breeder’s Cup race.

Les Miles Entrance Onto The Field Last Night

2011-11-06T11:20:00.002-05:00

#1 vs #2

2011-11-02T23:21:00.004-04:00

If I was setting the line for this game, I’d place it right at 3 points in favor of the home team. In Tuscaloosa, Bama -3. In Baton Rouge, Tigers -3. Anything larger and I’d see value on the ‘dog.

At quarterback, both signal-callers have similar talent and throw a decent ball. But there is an old saying: “In times of crisis, experience counts.” Jarrett Lee has played in a lot of close games in his career. I don’t think we’ve ever seen AJ McCarron tested against a defense like the one he’ll face on Saturday night.

At wide receiver, LSU has the decisive advantage. The trio of Randle, Shepard, and Beckham will keep Bama’s DBs out of the box. Especially Randle, as he is the one playmaker in this game that can stretch the field. With Maze and Hanks, Bama doesn’t have the playmakers to keep LSU’s defense honest. Mathieu and Claiborne can play man and the Tigers can load up the box with nine guys to stop Trent Richardson.

This leads to the running backs. Richardson is a horse but there won’t be many lanes for him to run in this game. Bodog lists the over/under on Trent Richardson rushing yards against LSU at 99.5. I’d lay the under. And don’t sleep on Spencer Ware who is a bruising back for the Tigers. I could see him having the better night among the RBs.

With the other position groups, there is talent across the board. The offensive lines for both teams are similar, both with a strength in run blocking. LSU has the better D-line, especially with their depth. The advantage at LB goes to Bama with Hightower and Upshaw. I think those two linebackers might decide the game as they’ll need to stop the run without safety support. On to the DBs, these guys will be bathing in money in a few years. Kirkpatrick/Barron for Bama. Mathieu/Claiborne for LSU.

This is going to be a great game.

The one advantage on special teams might go to LSU as their punter, Brad Wing, drops dimes in the redzone like Hugh DeVor lofts his 60-degree. He also knows how to celebrate.

Finally, the crowd will be intense after hours and hours of tailgating and debauchery, but the late-start might play into LSU’s hand. Some think that the Tigers are only a force when the lights are on in Death Valley. Think again…

(taken from covers.com)
30-1 Night Games Away From Home

09/24/11 at No.16 West Virginia (7:00 pm) Won 47-21
09/15/11 at No.25 Miss State (7:00 pm) Won 19-6
09/03/11 No.3 Oregon - Cowboys Classic (7:00 pm) Won 40-27
01/07/11 No.18 Texas A&M - Cotton Bowl (7:29 pm) Won 41-24
10/09/10 at No.14 Florida (6:30 pm) Won 33-29
09/11/10 at Vanderbilt (6:00 pm) Won 27-3
09/04/10 No.18 North Carolina - Chick-fil-A Classic (7:00 pm) Won 30-24
09/05/09 at Washington (9:30 pm) Won 31-23
12/31/08 No.14 Georgia Tech - Chick-fil-A Bowl (6:30 pm) Won 38-3
10/18/08 at South Carolina (7:00 pm) Won 24-17
10/11/08 AT NO.11 FLORIDA (7:00 pm) LOST 21-51
09/20/08 at No.10 Auburn (6:45 pm) Won 26-21
01/07/08 No.1 Ohio State - BCS Championship (7:00 pm) Won 38-24
08/30/07 at Miss State (7:00 pm) Won 45-0
01/03/07 No.11 Notre Dame - Sugar Bowl (7:00 pm) Won 41-14
12/30/05 No.9 Miami - Chick-fil-A Bowl (6:30 pm) Won 40-3
11/19/05 at Ole Miss (6:45 pm) Won 40-7
10/08/05 at Vanderbilt (6:00 pm) Won 34-6
09/10/05 at No.15 Arizona State (8:15 pm) Won 35-31
10/09/04 at No.12 Florida (6:45 pm) Won 24-21
01/04/04 No.1 Oklahoma - BCS Championship (7:00 pm) Won 21-14
12/06/03 No.5 Georgia - SEC Championship (7:00 pm) Won 34-13
11/15/03 at Alabama (6:45 pm) Won 27-3
10/18/03 at South Carolina (6:45 pm) Won 33-7
09/27/03 at Miss State (8:00 pm) Won 41-6
09/06/03 at Arizona (9:00 pm) Won 59-13
10/12/02 at No.16 Florida (6:45 pm) Won 36-7
01/01/02 No.7 Illinois - Sugar Bowl (7:30 pm) Won 47-34
12/08/01 No.2 Tennessee - SEC Championship (7:00 pm) Won 31-20
10/20/01 at Miss State (8:00 pm) Won 42-0
10/13/01 at Kentucky (6:00 pm) Won 29-25

LES MILES FTW

Week 10 - Geaux Tigers

2011-10-31T23:27:00.004-04:00

+ Week 10 Plays --
Michigan (-4)
Stanford (-20.5)
Tennessee (-20)
Missouri (+3)
Notre Dame (-13.5)
Boise State (-41)
Temple (-3)

If you don’t see Mizzou or Temple at those spreads, wait for it, we’re heading that way.

Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can’t lose.

Last week: 4-4
Season: 62-36-3 (63.3%)

+ Gut Plays of the Week –-
Ohio State (-27.5)
UTEP (pk)
...and LSU (+5)

Les Miles: "The contact that takes place when our defense is on the field is very sincere."

Um, what?

Week 9 - Recap

2011-10-31T11:18:00.002-04:00

7 quality bets this week. Just happened to have three games run away in the 4^th quarter… The life of a sharp.

+ Week 9 Winners --
Utah (-5) UTAH!!!
Michigan (-13.5)
Marshall (-6) Nice 39-point cover.
Missouri (+11.5) What a pure outright win.

+ Week 9 Losers --
Rutgers (+7) Think I was on the right side. Rutgers was up 31-21 at half.
Nevada (-14.5) Real tough 0.5-point loss. But I didn’t see a 14 all week.
Arizona (+6.5) Can’t be upset with it. Zona had the lead in the 4^th quarter.
Kansas (+28.5)

Last week: 4-4
Season: 62-36-3 (63.3%)

Week 9 - Utah, Give Me Two!

2011-10-26T11:18:00.001-04:00

+ Week 9 Plays --
Utah (-5)
Nevada (-14.5)
Kansas (+28.5)
Michigan (-13.5)
Rutgers (+7) (-105)
Arizona (+6.5)
Missouri (+11.5)
Marshall (-6)

This is it. I’m giving Utah one last shot to earn something… Salt Lake City: STAND UP!

Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can’t lose.

Last week: 5-3-1
Season: 58-32-3 (64.4%)

+ Gut Play of the Week –-
TBD. FYI: I will pouncing on LSU over Bama next week.

Week 8 - Yeah We're Back

2011-10-24T12:49:00.003-04:00

+ Week 8 Winners --
UTEP (-7)
Miami (-2.5) My boy Zach Laskey gift-wrapped this cover for Miami.

Zach Laskey dropped back to receive a punt for Georgia Tech, the bouncing ball coming straight at him as he stood at the 9-yard line. He tried to grab it as a horde of Hurricanes sprinted toward him, misplayed it and could only watch as the football kept going into the end zone. Nicholas dove on it just past the goal line for a touchdown that put Miami up 14-0.
Thanks Z.

Indiana (+23.5) More points from both offenses than I expected, but we’ll take it.
Boston College (+21.5)
Stanford (-20.5) First time this year that I placed 3x ($) on one game.

+ Week 8 Losers --
SMU (+3) Murdered in all three losses…
Utah (+3) Just killed...
Notre Dame (-8.5) Ugh

Rutgers (+2) was a wash.

Last week: 5-3-1
Season: 58-32-3 (64.4%)

+ Gut Plays of the Week –-
7-game winning streak came to an end on Saturday night in East Lansing. Sparty on.

Saturday Night - Jump Around

2011-10-21T19:26:00.003-04:00

+ Gut Play of the Week --
Wisco (-7.5)

Not playing it, but would be surprised if Iowa-Indiana didn't hit the Under (54.5).

Week 8 - Watch Out

2011-10-19T11:09:00.002-04:00

+ Week 8 Plays --
Rutgers (+2)
UTEP (-7)
Miami (-2.5)
SMU (+3) (-105)
Utah (+3) (-105)
Indiana (+23.5)
Notre Dame (-8.5)
Boston College (+21.5)
Stanford (-20.5)

Arizona sat at (-3.5) yesterday and if it dropped to (-3), I would have played it. Instead it swung north and is now (-4.5).

Clear eyes. Full hearts. Can’t lose.

Last week: 6-7-1
Season: 53-29-2

+ Gut Plays of the Week –-
TBD (7-game heater)

Week 7 - Wait..... We Lost???

2011-10-18T12:38:00.004-04:00

After six weeks in the black, this was my first losing weekend, albeit my record was 6-7-1. And I actually never bet on Michigan (for or against) so my personal bets went 6-6-1, but I digress.

+ Week 7 Winners --
Miami (+3) Jacory Harris is playing well and not turning the ball over. Outright win.
Missouri (-14)
Virginia (+9) Strong contrarian play. Everyone loved Georgia Tech last week.
Boise State (-33.5) Boise will roll through their new conference.
Nevada (-30)
Fresno State (+4.5) Last game on the schedule was a winner. Just realized that I didn’t have one close win. All of these were easy covers.

+ Week 7 Losers --
Cal (+4.5) QB play was heinous, especially with Cal’s talent at WR.
Michigan (+2.5) State is the better team this year and was at home. Line should have been higher.
Indiana (+40) Russell Wilson has thrown four passes in the 4th quarter…for the entire year.
Cincinnati (-16.5) 9-point victory not enough.
Rutgers (-5) 1-point victory not enough.
Central Michigan (-12.5)
Idaho (pk)

Marshall (-4) was a wash.

Last Week: 6-7-1
Season: 53-29-2

+ Gut Plays of the Week --
N/A. Still riding a juicy 7-game winning streak.

So Young... So Innocent....

2011-10-15T01:37:00.000-04:00

Week 7 - Battle in East Lansing

2011-10-13T00:34:00.008-04:00

+ Week 7 Plays --
Cal (+4) (-105)
Michigan (+2.5)
Missouri (-14)
Indiana (+40)
Cincinnati (-16.5)
Marshall (-4)
Virginia (+9)
Nevada (-30)
Boise State (-33.5)
Fresno State (+4.5)
Central Michigan (-12.5)
Rutgers (-5)
Miami (+3)
Idaho (pk)

Last Week: 7-3
Season: 47-22-1

//

+ Gut Plays of the Week --
N/A. Traveled to Boston this week and didn’t have time to research any specific games. If Hugh DeVor makes a play, I ~~might~~ will ride.

Over the last three weeks, we have a 7-0 record on gut plays.
Georgia – Tennessee
Purdue – Minnesota
Michigan – Minnesota
Auburn – South Carolina
Washington – Dallas (NFL)
Oklahoma State – Texas A&M
Cincinnati – NC State (Truck Plant Worker special)

In East Lansing, can anyone confirm if The Situation and Izzo will be on the sideline again?

Week 6 Recap

2011-10-11T10:52:00.003-04:00

Before Week 7 (UM-MSU), let’s recap last Saturday…

+ Week 6 Winners --

Tulane (+11)
Michigan (-7)
Ohio State (+12)
North Texas (-3)
BC (+23) Caught a good line here.
Nevada (-21)
Houston (-10) Nice 43-point cover.

+ Week 6 Losers --
Utah (+6) My fault with the recent Utah plays. They are not performing like the model says they should because their starting QB is hurt. I will make adjustments.
UConn (+21) This was a 1-point game in the late-3Q. Ew.
Arizona (-3)

Last Week: 7-3
Season: 47-22-1

//

+ Gut Plays of the Week --

Georgia (-1.5) Love me some Uga.
Purdue (-10) Minny is heinous.

Over the last three weeks, we have a 7-0 record on gut plays.
Purdue – Minnesota
Georgia – Tennessee
Michigan – Minnesota
Auburn – South Carolina
Washington – Dallas (NFL)
Oklahoma State – Texas A&M
Cincinnati – NC State (Truck Plant Worker special)

//

Chris Rainey (Florida) on LSU & Alabama: "I felt we was better than them."

Florida lost by a combined score of 79-21.

"G"i Men

2011-10-08T01:21:00.002-04:00

Friday October 7 and The Weekend

2011-10-06T11:59:00.004-04:00

Going to Ryan Field in Evanston on Saturday. Michigan-Northwestern. Expecting 75% of the stadium to be maize and blue.

+ Week 6 Plays --
Tulane (+11)
Michigan (-7)
Ohio State (+12)
Utah (+6)
North Texas (-3)
BC (+23)
Nevada (-21)
Houston (-10)
UConn (+21)
Arizona (-3)

Last Week: 8-4
Season: 40-19-1

//

+ Gut Plays of the Week --
Georgia (-1.5)
Purdue (-10)

Over the last two weeks, we have a 5-0 record on gut plays.
Michigan – Minnesota
Auburn – South Carolina
Washington – Dallas (NFL)
Oklahoma State – Texas A&M
Cincinnati – NC State (Truck Plant Worker special)

Pitt Fans

2011-09-29T23:08:00.000-04:00

That's Old Hone

2011-09-28T09:50:00.000-04:00

GIFSoup

@Bar

2011-09-25T02:24:00.000-04:00

Stachy

2011-09-25T02:23:00.000-04:00

Squirrel FTW

2011-09-20T23:22:00.001-04:00

DNW

2011-09-18T22:27:00.001-04:00

The Big House

2011-09-08T09:28:00.000-04:00

Squirrel

2011-08-13T02:09:00.000-04:00

Jace

2011-08-01T00:33:00.000-04:00

Bres @ Comerica

2011-07-25T22:59:00.003-04:00

2011-07-08T17:02:00.000-04:00

Kevbro

2011-07-08T11:19:00.000-04:00

2011-06-30T17:17:00.001-04:00

Vantasy

2011-06-30T13:34:00.000-04:00

Vantasy

2011-06-30T13:28:00.001-04:00

Squirrel

2011-06-29T10:58:00.002-04:00

It Looks Like The Vick Jerseys Are On Back Order

2009-08-29T12:37:00.002-04:00

Oops.

Best Uniforms...Ever?

2009-07-19T12:53:00.003-04:00

The Lehigh Valley IronPigs just became my "Team B" in minor league baseball, obv. behind the Mud Hens. Choice?

Pens 4 - Wings 3... Damn

2009-06-14T12:29:00.004-04:00

// Going into the series, I thought that Anaheim was better than Pittsburgh. Not by a huge margin, because I thought Pittsburgh would be tough, but thought the Ducks were better. After the first two games, even though Detroit won both by a couple goals, I changed my mind on that.

// Anaheim was the more physical team, but throughout this series, I was really impressed with the defense of Pittsburgh. They played the passing lanes incredibly well, played the puck great along the boards and won a lot of the little stick-battles for the puck, and blocked a ton of shots. I think they forced Detroit into more offsides in this one series than they had in the previous three combined. They pressured on the other end very hard, but did it without being reckless the way that Chicago was.

// Just to sort of demonstrate the point on their defense - I think that Fleury started looking shaky a couple minutes before Detroit scored their first goal, misplaying a couple pucks and giving up big rebounds. And Ericsson’s goal was a bad, bad goal to give up. Then he got beat on Kronwall’s shot that hit the crossbar. But after the goal, how many saves did he actually have to make in the final six minutes, prior to the final five seconds? Virtually none. And that was with Detroit pressuring a lot. The shots just weren't getting through to him.

// Don't get me wrong, I think for all their talent that Malkin played like a punk at times and Cindy Crosby is a little girl, but the team as a whole deserves credit for what they accomplished.

// And not saying that Pittsburgh was necessarily more deserving than Detroit. The Wings had opportunities that they didn't capitalize on in Game 7 and the previous game. And maybe having Datsyuk could have tipped game three or four in their favor. Still, I just think it was a series where they were very evenly matched, but only one team can win it...

// Still don’t like Pittsburgh. No choice.

Oh Detroit... The Lions 2009 NFL Draft

2009-05-02T18:48:00.006-04:00

// The Lions did have a lot of needs. QB, OL, DL, LB, S...essentially every position on the team save WR. In that respect, people were correct in saying that Detroit could take almost anyone and it would fill a hole. However, good teams--teams that win consistently--start from the trenches. This is as true on the college level as it is in the NFL. There is a reason why Michigan went 40 years without a losing season and why the Lions have gone 50 without winning a title, and generally being uncompetitive throughout most of that span; the disparity in the quality of their lines. UofM always had good lines, while the Lions had poor to merely average.

// The closest the Lions ever came to having a great line that I can remember was with the Eric Andolsek-Mike Utley-Lomas Brown core. When we were kids in the early 90s, that was a promising line. But then Utley was crippled in a game and Andolsek was killed by a semi in his yard. The Lions haven't come close to fielding a good line since. I admit that the comparison is flawed. The differences in competition at the college level can be wide ranging. But there is no doubt what the recipe for success was in Ann Arbor--a strong, powerful run attack based on superior OL play along with a fierce, technically sound and physically punishing defense. Not coincidentally, the Steelers of the 70s won with the same formula. The best teams still win with that formula.

// We were lead to believe, first under Rod Marinelli and now Jim Schwartz, that the Lions were going to "pound the rock". Well, in order to pound the rock you need the road graters to punish the defense. The Lions did nothing to address that. The one OT they took is considered a "finesse" tackle. The Lions had guys within their reach who could have made this team better now. Specifically, Michael Oher at 20. They could have found a quality guard in the third round to pair with the OT and thus solidified their line.

// Despite my feelings on Curry’s future, they could have taken Stafford, drafted Oher, and taken Duke Robinson in the 4th round. They would have been far better off doing that than taking a TE at 20, an OLB who had a 5th-round-grade in the 3rd and who will have to be converted to MLB, as well as a WR in the 3rd. The Lions should have said "we cannot fill all the holes now, so let's follow a proven formula and build our lines." That at least is understandable. We know that it’s not realistic for them to become a solid team in one draft. Alas, what we got was the same nonsensical approach to drafting that we have seen from the Lions for ages.

// With that said, I’ll leave you with some Banks to get ready for a strong Saturday night.

If Tyler Hansbrough was a Cat, He'd Look Like This...

2009-04-06T22:41:00.006-04:00

// Does Tyler Hansbrough always look confused?

// Two teams left in college basketball. Michigan State and North Carolina. Well it’s halftime and it’s not looking good for Sparty. But there’s no way Carolina can keep shooting like this…right? We’ll find out.

// Two things:

1) I swear that the bookies always know what they are doing. I found out that the line was inflated despite a lot of people betting on the crew from East Lansing. Even I fell for the trick. A -7.5 spread seemed way too large for a championship game in the underdog’s backyard. But here’s what I’m thinking. State’s going to make a game out of this in the second half. No choice.

2) Sure the true Big Ten fans are pulling for MSU. But I feel that a lot of the country wants Michigan State to win this one. The state of Michigan deserves some good news. The state unemployment rate is 12%. The city of Detroit is 22%. 65% of Detroit retailers don’t think any of the bailout money will even matter. The Lions are the worst NFL team. The Pistons suddenly stink. The city and state are reeling. It was another harsh winter. Season ticket sales for the Tigers plunged 44%. The president essentially fired the head of GM. The auto industry is toast. Chrysler could print money in their basement and they would still be broke for the next 20 years. Ethically and morally, we have to root for Michigan State.

// So here comes the final 20 minutes. Do work Sparty.

Follow it Up

2009-03-03T02:30:00.001-05:00

To Follow my last post up: Here is a list of the worst 10 tv shows currently on. I wrote my prior post before seeing what is #1. Other than that I haven't seen any of these shows, I've heard 'Knight Rider' sucks, Heroes was only good for the first season, I've seen about 5 mins of 'The Hills', which is 20 mins too much. Frankly, I'm surprised 'Frank TV' got resigned (PUN!). 'Last Call with Carson Daily' Blah, 'Mind of Mencia' Double Blah....

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon: EPIC FAIL

2009-03-03T02:05:00.001-05:00

// I'll be honest, I never liked Jimmy Fallon. I always thought that he was cocky, arrogant, basically not funny, and constantly broke character on SNL to beg for laughter. I understand why most people liked him, he had that cuteness factor to him where he was basically saying 'I have no idea what's going on but it's pretty funny!!!!. I get why someone would laugh at this the first time, but to continue to do so is beyond me. Jimmy Fallon, to me, represents the antichrist. Honestly if you look at what skits and movies he has been in, he might as well directed every single 'Scary Movie', 'Epic Movie’, and 'Disaster Movie'. My point being is the people that like these movies will love the new Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, because after every joke that Fallon makes during the monologue deserves a forced laughter.

// Let’s not lie, Conan’s monologues were never that good, and often did not deserve laughter, if any, but it was the way that he delivered it that made it funny. Jimmy Fallon has no experience in this, he is used to the “AUDIENCE” sign coming on after his horribly delivered jokes, in which if no one laughed he would start laughing to start making everyone else laugh, because hey laughing is funny!. It is if Fallon knows that his jokes are bad, but is not willing to submit, as Conan did, to how bad of a joke it is. This smartass (I don’t know how else to categorize it) way to tell jokes is not going to work out for him. The following at Late Night is going to give him a couple passes at first to allow him to get his bearings, but they won’t allow to much bullshit, allow me to explain.

// Tonight, I watched the premier episode of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and felt awkward. While Fallon was delivering his monologue I felt bad for him, I’ve noticed throughout time that I can notice when someone is publicly speaking nervously, and Fallon definitely was. By that, I mean that he was constantly bringing his finger up to wipe his nose, shaking his head, hesitating his words, and giving uncomfortable laughs for approval. I literally felt bad for him, which I’m guessing is not what a new late night show host is striving for. He no longer had that ‘forced laughter’ that basically made him as big of a star as he is. He is now in the stratosphere of actually delivering on jokes (which he is clearly bad at), because that’s the only reason people watch the Late Night show.

// His monologue was to the point of badness that I felt bad for him. The jokes weren’t that bad, I actually think that he has the same writers as Conan, but who knows, I’m too lazy to look it up, but it was just how he delivered him that made me feel bad for him. He basically looked at the TV screen and begged for approval. In which I replied, “Stop looking at me!” The worst part was when he got a legitimate big time star for an interview, Mr. Robert De Niro.

// Fallon: Oh man, (hand up to face) you have no idea what this means to me that you are here.
// Robert De Niro: Yeah…. Well…..
// Fallon: (hand to face) do you realize how big you are?!?!?
// Robert De Niro: Yeah…
// Fallon: (Laughing like a school girl)
// Rober De Niro: (Uncomfortably) So you got any questions?)
// Fallon: HeHeHeHaHaHa
// Robert De Niro: …………………………..
// Fallon: (Still laughing like a school girl) how cool are you??

// That’s about as much as I could watch, maybe he had better questions for Justin Timberlake, but I thank there on the same level.

// Hopefully this does not set a new precedence on Late Night of being a complete douch to the guest and making them feel uncomfortable. I hope that we can take Jimmy Fallon’s training wheels off now, but who fucking knows. All that I know is that I'm not going to waste anymore time watching Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.

S'job Yanks

2009-03-01T19:57:00.008-05:00

// I should start by saying that at a young age, some of my best memories went down at the corner of Michigan and Trumbull. Tiger Stadium. Sometimes Pops would take me down for a nightcap and we’d watch Cecil Fielder hit one over the roof (following a burger at Nemos). Or when it was a hot afternoon in July, I would head down there with John Nechiporchik and we’d watch the early-90s Tigs beat up a Central-division rival. And Mike took me to the last game at the stadium, after 88 historical years, where we saw the Tigers mow down the Royals. Strong.

// But, for those in the organization with the deep pockets (i.e. Ilitch), it was time for a change. It was the new millennium, the Tigers were down, and this was a way to get fans back in the ballpark. On one hand, I don’t blame him. There were tons of empty seats in those days. But, as we were told in the press releases, the stadium was breaking down. And just as importantly, there were a lot of “Obstructed View” seats. The pillars, which were built to support the overhanging roof, blocked the viewers’ sightlines in multiple sections. Problem solved: It’s impossible to have a bad seat in Comerica Park.

// So why did I just give you a brief rundown of the old Tiger Stadium? The higher-ups in the Bronx clearly did not take notes. In about a month, the Yankees will open up their new stadium across the street from the House that Ruth Built. While the rest of the country feels the hurting economy, the Yanks have jacked up ticket prices in efforts to pay for their new ballpark.

// However, the price of watching a game for some tickets dropped last week. The obstructed-view seats have gone from $12 to $5, which applies to about 700 seats at the new Yankee stadium. They’ll be sold for $5. So let’s think about this... They spent $8 billion on their new stadium, and they still have 700 obstructed-view seats? That’s like if the Yankees built a car, they’d put the steering wheel in shotgun. Or lets look at this another way. If you go out and rent an apartment, and it costs $800 a month (damn Chicago rents), it probably won’t be perfect. There might be a quirky kitchen…or the bathroom might be a little cramped. But if you spend $1,500 for an apartment, you don’t want the toilet in the living room. Forget the Yankees free agent acquisitions, they can’t even build a stadium right. They have the best architects in the world at their disposal, and they have 700 seats where you can’t see the mound. There’s no other way to say it. If you can’t see the game…why go to the game? If you go down to the stadium with the guys, staring at a pole for three hours isn’t cutting it. I’d rather just stay home in my boxers and drink cheaper beers. Between this and the A-Roid story, I’m seeing a tough ’09 for the Yanks.

// That’s all I got. Have a greasy week. I’ll leave you with this…..

Back in Action Part 2

2009-02-28T11:12:00.004-05:00

So it's Saturday morning and I'm just lounging in my apartment in freezing Chicago and it dawned on me that I haven't written a post for nearly a month after my alleged promised return. I apologize about that. So what has happened since then....? Not much.

A good buddy of mine, LP, came in and visited for a weekend. It was the least anticipated visit of all time because the only contact we had between the visit announcement and his arrival was a simple text message that said, "Is the Dombo Inn open this weekend"? No other contact was made so I gave up on the fact that he was visiting a couple days after that text. Low and behold, I received another text on Friday night when he was 30 minutes away. The events that followed were a shitshow, as you could imagine. Friday night's highlight was fellow blogger Miggy's behavior at the late night bar. He was well blacked and looked happier than a 7 year old on Christmas. My favorite part was when he stumbled into a stack of glasses near the bar and knocked 5 or so over, breaking them on the floor. The immediate area silenced in shock and looked over to see what caused the ruckus and they were presented with Miggy, smiling and pointing up to the sky to thank the big man for giving him the opportunity to break some glasses at the bar. Thanks God!

We spent Saturday at the bar and came home to get ready before going out. Everyone except LP and I decided to go out right away. We planned on meeting up with them later. We then went into my room and started playing songs on Youtube. Next thing I know, it is 3AM and we are at the liquor store buying more beer. Everyone came back from the bar to pass out and we were still going strong, listening to everything from Starship-Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now to Zac Brown Band - Chicken Fried". Waking up hazily the next morning only to see possibly 50 empty beer bottles in every nook and cranny in my room was a top 10 FML candidate. Needless to say, that was an awful Sunday.

Regarding bars, I've noticed that for some odd reason, people love to talk to me in the bathroom line. At first, I thought that this was normal and that everyone is social at the bars and this includes bathroom lines. After more analysis and a little bit more focus, I found that most people indeed do not talk in the lines of the bar. For some reason though, there is one pile that wants to talk about something fitting for a Jerry Springer episode, and he always chooses me to be the lucky recipient of his 3 minute rant. This may have begun back in the day at a bar in Downriver Michigan where an old guy came up to me in an old crowded bathroom and says, "ARHHH. It's a Feckin Sausssage Fest in here". I smiled and laughed, making sure he does not take off his Under Armour and start a fight right there. This type of stupid chat always occurs. I can't remember the last time I was in a line by myself for more than a minute where someone (usually very similar to sausssage fest man) strikes up a conversation. This happened the other week when I was waiting in a line at a bar. He brings up the fact that he is here with some mistress while his wife is at home with the kids. And then he goes into detail about her body. He finishes by holding up his hand for a high five. Once again, I am disgusted but act in the manner that avoids any confrontation, and give him that high five. Oh well.

I saw Friday the Thirteenth on 2/13/09. I was pretty excited for this. I have seen just about every 80s horror flick and always jump at the opportunity to see a remake of one of these. So, I went to the 10PM viewing with my GF. Little did I know that this was going to be filled with adolescent girls. Their comments during this move enraged half of the audience, and excited the other half. The comments were of course not witty and very obvious. An example of this was when a scared girl who just had sex runs back into the room that she previously had sex in to hide from Jason. The suspense was building and the movie theater silent. Everyone in the audience was captivated to see what happened next. Then, one of the adolescent girls shouted, "AWWWWWW SHIIIIIIIT. Back for seconds GIIIIIIRRRRRL!". And half of the movie theater cried out with laughter. In the next 8 seconds, Jason jumped out from a thrilling spot, killed the girl hiding in the room, and we were on to the next scene. This all happened through all of the laughter and responses to that genius joke. Nonetheless, all in all, this Friday the Thirteenth wasn't bad. If you enjoy the 80s versions, you'll like this one. The only problem is the 'teenage kids' are no longer innocent in the way they talk. Now, all they do is talk about sex, drugs, alcohol, and profanity. The same principals hold true in this Friday the 13th. If you have sex, you die. If you smoke weed, you die. If you get really drunk, you die. It was a good old 1980's abstinence horror flick. As you may or may not know, Michael Bay produced this film. I am always a little hesitant to watch a Michael Bay film because after you have seen one, you have seen them all (i.e. The Rock and Con Air). A suspense filled action thriller with a shit load of explosions. I am happy to say that there were very few explosions in this film, and the only big difference between this film and the 80s versions was the fact that Jason became more of a real person as opposed to a supernatural killer. He even runs after the teenagers as apposed to just appearing wherever they are running. See it, preferably in an area that won't be filled with 17 year old girls.

And, here is the most disturbing thing I've seen in a while...

Anyone Up For Depressing Stories?

2009-02-24T13:39:00.003-05:00

// I probably couldn't have picked a worser time to take one of my unannounced sabbaticals, but this is just another example of Alanis Morissette's words ringing true. Isn't it ironic? Non-work work (more on that later) always seems to pile up at the exact moment a platter of big news is set on the lazy Susan. Granted, I haven't exactly been chomping at the bit to sit down and find the time to throw in my pennies; the time for me to write has been there, but every time my mind grapes begin to mature, an irresistible distraction shows itself and puts the kibosh on the harvest.

In past instances of this I'd offer a mea culpa. I'm switching up the order and coming right out with it: an apology won't be happening this time around. In truth, I've never actually been sorry when I've ceased posting for weeks at a time. Looking back, it seems almost silly that I've apologized before. I don't even know why I ever wrote, "Sorry for not posting." Is it just "something to say", like when people greet each other with, "How's it going?" and they don't even await the response? And what am I sorry about? Not sharing? Is me not writing a violation of the "nice people always share" edict that was handed down to me from Mrs. DeFran in 1990? These are my thoughts. In times past I've been writing them down as soon as they've entered my noggin. That behavior will be curbed. Posts now will come at a more incidental pace, like if I was on a parade float and only threw candy at good looking women. If something comes up that merits a legitimate attempt, I'll hit it. Otherwise, I'll occupy my time with my other endeavors, ones that don't include feeble attempts at eloquence designed to mask dick jokes. Moving on...

// Like I said, many noteworthy news items have passed with nary a comment from the best blog on the internet. We're going to attempt to touch them all, so this post is likely going to be lengthy. First on the docket is Mike Phelps. Oh, Mikey. Let's peel that onion.

The more I thought about Phelps and his herbal snafu, the more I got this strangely familiar feeling of being scolded myself. Let me explain. Back in my elementary, middle and partly high school days, I was very, very hyperactive. My learning tendencies led to me to many hours of daily boredom. Ever since I can remember, grasping a new subject has come lightning fast to me. I could hear a lesson once and file it away. I knew it'd always be there if I needed it. I was very blessed with something that was a very fortunate gift to have... much later in life. During the roaring 90s in the Grosse Ile public school system - where repetition repetition repetition repetition was the order of the day - the boredom was excruciating. Out of the ~8 hours in a school day, I spent 7.75 of them inside my own brain. Having the attention span of an espresso-soaked flea made those daily doldrums unbearable. That, combined with my daily bids for attention/validation from my classmates, landed me in the principal's office at about a .900 clip.

So why does my school days remind me of Phelps? It's the pundits I hear chastising him. They sound exactly like my parents in the early 90s. Dumbfounded, yes. Disappointed, somewhat. Mostly, there's just a sense of exasperation. See, I never got in trouble for malicious stuff. I was too small to beat up anyone. I never stuck a thumb on Mrs. Rebeschini's chair. It wasn't my style. Without exception, my offenses were summarized with phrases like "unable to focus on daily assignments" and "unwilling to follow class procedures". The reaction at home was always of the "you've got it easy why are you screwing it up?" ilk. That's what Phelps is getting. In a way, his situation almost makes me nostalgic.

As far as personal judgment, I pass none on Michael Phelps. This entire incident - in which he was smoking a little weed ON AN EFFING COLLEGE CAMPUS - is a crystal-clear illustration on how out of whack this country's priorities are concerning the transgressions of our celebrities. I have many more opinions on the criminalization (and the social stigma) of marijuana. I'll save you the time and about 100,000 words for the future. The only question I have left is this: where was this outrage when he pled guilty to driving while impaired? Seriously! He was hitting a bong load at a party. He gets suspended from swimming? He gets yanked from Kellogg's? Here's the logic that comes out of this. Smoking some weed at a private party = a really, really awful thing to do. Getting drunk and driving my car down the boulevard = not nearly as bad. Stepping into Kellogg's shoes: while I really dislike what they did, I can understand why they did it, and that's what wrong with the public. The stigma around reefer is unconscionable. What kills more people every year, pot or drunk driving? What causes more families to be in pain, pot or drunk driving? What causes millions more dollars in damage every year, pot or drunk driving? I get really frustrated when I see this kind of reaction to marijuana use when only years before, THE SAME EFFING GUY pled guilty to drunk driving and was completely admonished shortly thereafter. Ugh.

// Speaking of drugs and sports heroes, my thoughts on Alex Rodriguez and his use of performance enhancing drugs are much more concise. By the way, we've got to come up with a more easily-wielded phrase than "performance enhancing drugs." I don't really know why I'm sick of hearing it, I just am. I mean, it's definitely an accurate phrase, and I usually go for that sort of thing, but we need to get something shorter. Getting back to it, the whole thing for me shakes down like this: moderately disappointing. Was I shocked? No. The sad state of affairs is that nobody's been above suspicion for a long time now. This incident just galvanized that fact. What's more sad to me is that these greedy steroid-using pricks are ruining the game, further cementing its second-tier status to our now-true national pastime, football. I love baseball, but it will never ever again be as sacred it was when our Dads were growing up. I don't like to think about this too much.

// Lately, an even more (at least for me) heartbreaking news item has been dominating the media: Chris Brown's domestic abuse of Rihanna. This one really took the wind out of my sails for so many reasons. I like Rihanna. I like Chris Brown. I liked them being a couple. Not only that, but I really dig Chris Brown's music. He has sooo much talent; his dancing and singing really remind me of Michael in his hey. If that weren't enough, I really liked him as a personality. He came across so polished and genuine in his appearances. Sure he was a bit cocky, but not in a way that made you want to punch him like Ne-Yo. It was more of a fun kind of cocky, like Isiah Thomas. When the initial shock passes, we're left wondering why did he did this. Fights between boyfriends and girlfriends aren't rare, and sure, sometimes they get very heated. It'd be prudent to say that on occasion a person's emotions run so high that their judgment takes a 15th row seat to their rage. That can happen to almost anybody -- we're all human. But there's allegations that he was choking her until she passed out! If you're choking someone so hard that they pass out, it had better be in 100% cut-and-dry self defense. It's hard to imagine that Chris Brown needed to defend himself with that much gusto. Gosh, the more I type about this the more I realize why I (subconsciously?) didn't want to. I'm getting pretty bummed out.

// I'm ending earlier than I had planned, but let's end on an uplifting/redeeming note! I finally saw Frost/Nixon yesterday, thus completing my Academy Award-nominated movie viewing blitz (minus Vicky Cristina Barcelona and Rachel Getting Married because I decided last year that I'd pay zero attention to the Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress categories after Tilda Swinton won Supporting last year and Cate Blanchett was robbed of Best Actress). The Oscars this year were great. The ceremony was really fun to watch, especially the new way they presented the acting awards with past winners complimenting the performances. I also thought Hugh Jackman did an awesome job hosting. I had no idea he could sing and dance so well.

In years past, I've really disagreed with the Best Picture selection. I thought Michael Clayton - despite Tilda Swinton - was far and away the best movie in last year's ceremony. I thought The Aviator was better than Million Dollar Baby. It's not like I harbor any real resentment. After all, although I really really love movies and everything about them, I'm far from a legitimately credible critic.

That being said, it was nice to finally agree with the Academy's decision on Best Picture. If you haven't seen Slumdog, you really should go see it tonight. I mean it. It's such a wonderful movie. When Miggy and I break down TV and movies via email as we often do, our critiques almost always boil down to one central question: to what extent does what you're watching evoke emotions? It's why I like The Dark Knight so much (which should've been nominated 5 billion times before Benny Button). That movie made me feel extremely tense and actually a little bit frightened. The Office is the same way. Sometimes when I watch that show, I feel so awkward and uncomfortable that I will literally cringe and divert my eyes from the screen for some respite. I've never been ashamed to admit it: I always cry at the endings of Rudy and Field of Dreams. These are the things that stick with you and become pleasures to watch in nearly every way. I promise you'll get similar effects when viewing Slumdog Millionaire. Even though the plot points are well-known to just about everybody by now, I won't ruin anything else by yammering on. Just trust me and see the movie. It's definitely the best movie of the year.

// Peace out.

Science That Matters

2009-02-10T12:50:00.004-05:00

// Hey, look! I've improved the Snuggie! See, my Snuggie isn't the same as everyone else's. Mine wraps around the entire body and has my college's name written on it. Also, mine is extremely portable. Sometimes, I'll even wear it at work - all day - and no one will say a thing! Isn't that awesome?

// I did myself a little shopping this past Friday. It was a retail therapy kind of thing. Lately, I've been winning the game of life and I decided to go sick. I ended up with some incense and a copy of GQ. Nevertheless, it was a nice little afternoon. While walking up and down Grand River Avenue, some inspiration struck me. Not "million dollar idea"-type inspiration, but still. It started with an iota of personal terror. I was listening to The B.S. Report podcast and enjoying a robust chat between Bill Simmons and SNL's Seth Meyers. (By the way, if you're not already getting down with 3-4 good podcasts, I highly suggest you start. There are soooo many great podcasts out there. They'll really augment your daily enjoyment.) So I'm listening to the podcast and the two entertainers are cracking wise about the show. Simmons said something particularly funny - I can't recall exactly what - and before I could recoil, a big idiot smile charged onto my face. It took me about three seconds to reel it in and another 5 minutes to calm down. Why? Because I have a weird thing about looking like a simp in front of everyday passersby. It's one thing to do something dumb in front of friends or family. I have no problem with that. In fact, I do it on purpose, and quite often. For whatever reason, I fear looking like a moron in front of complete strangers; people I've never seen before and will likely never see again. I'm not sure why that is. My brief personal moment of abject terror aside, I took away a valuable, if otherwise inapplicable lesson: don't listen to something that will make you laugh when you don't want to be seen laughing. The rule can also apply when I'm listening to Michael Jackson, whose ridiculously awesome songs always seem to make me dance embarrassingly. Countless times I've caught myself ambiguously grabbing my crotch in very public forums. Not good times.

Anyways, let's hit the inspiration I received. I would like a device that could eavesdrop on other people's iPods. Wouldn't that be fun? Not only would I like it for listening to other people's iPods, but I think I would enjoy knowing that other nearby people are potentially eavesdropping in on my iPod. I can imagine sitting on a bar patio and giving an occasional Broseph the patented "ess-eating-grin-with-subtle-acknowledging-nod" when I like a song the Broseph is jamming to.

I also like the idea of iPod eavesdropping (iDropping?) because of the effect it would have on our understanding of stereotypes. You see, I have two distinct thoughts concerning stereotypes. For starters, I love it when a stereotype is proven true. Miggy and I went down to Atlanta this past summer to visit our buddy J$. Our first night there, we experienced Buckhead's fairly robust bar scene. The stereotypical payoff? Every single guy there looked like one of those idiots from MTV's Two-a-Days. The silly hair, the complete lack of dress sense, the constant look of exhaustion; it was all coming out quicker than a post-Taco Bell dook, and I couldn't help but be amused when everyone I saw looked exactly how I'd imagined they would. By the flip side of the coin, it's also somewhat satisfying when a stereotype is debunked. A nice example of this can be found in the movie Finding Forrester. I'm referring to the scene in which Jamal approaches Forrester's assistant guy in the projects and the assistant reacts as if Jamal is eyeing his BMW for a gank. Jamal then procedes, quite cockily, to display his intellectual feathers and school the assistant guy on the history of BMW before adding for good measure, "...but you probably know that 'cuz you lease one." OOOOOHHHH!!!!! It was a good scene and it illustrates the point quite well. So stereotypes can be fun in both ways.

As far as iDropping goes, imagine the potential fun to be had when applying stereotypes! Picture this: you're outdoors, enjoying a nice wheat beer on one of those perfect early spring afternoons. Ah, what have we here? Down the sidewalk comes a very proper looking young lady. She's got the cardigan buttoned up, the 60-year-old librarian glasses, her hair in a tight ponytail; she really personifies conservative. Wouldn't it be weirdly neat if she was listening to something like 2 Live Crew or DJ Assault? Stereotype debunked! With authority! By the same token, wouldn't it be cool to witness a guy trying his hardest to look like Gavin DeGraw actually listening to Gavin DeGraw? Stereotype confirmed! I really wish someone would invent this. I'd stay out every night till 3 just checking people. Dare to dream...

// I've touched on it before, but I'd like to reiterate: I'm very interested in names. I like the thought process behind naming children. I like the responses certain names seem to elicit. I realize it's kind of a weird thing to be engrossed by, but such is life. I've recently found myself in a bit of a quandary. I'll preface what I'm about to say with something I believe to be inevitable: I'm going to sire only girls. I've always believed that fate has an acute sense of irony. Ergo me, a young man who loves his own last name and says it constantly to anyone within earshot, will not beget any sons to carry on the glorious surname. I've accepted this as fact. Anyways, a while ago my fascination with names inevitably led me to conjure up my choices for my own future brood. Keeping in mind the female makeup, I came up with the following (in order and I'm shutting down the factory if I'm lucky enough to get 3): Layla, Scarlet, Sheila. The reasons are pretty simple: Layla and Sheila are homages to the (Eric Clapton and Ready For The World, respectively) songs and Scarlet is my favorite color. I think they're great names, but fear is causing hesitation. My fear is that I'm not using my brain enough to consider all the potential ways the names can be marred and mangled into (sexual) puns. I don't want some future version of Booger from Revenge of the Nerds making sex jokes about my daughters. The last thing 40-year-old Mike needs is another assault charge, and by now it should be well known: I don't play. So, dear readers, if you would be so kind, can you please ponder potential zingers that make fun of my future daughters names? I'd very much appreciate the effort.

// Aw, Baby... Link Dump.
+ This Is Why You're Fat. Not too long ago, I might have pleasured myself to this site. Good times.
+ NSFW. A joystick that uses your own penis as the interface. The reason this post is titled what it is.
+ New Era Fantastic Four Pack. The Invisible Woman one is the coolest, with half the hat made to look like it's transparent.
+ Now here is something very interesting. Video games made to look like yesteryear's book covers. Huh.
+ Shark Fin Ice Tray. These would be perfect for a Buffett concert. Maybe I just wanted to brag that I'm going to a Buffett concert this summer.
+ An Amazon Customer Review of a Pen. In the same vein of this review of Dunston Checks In. I like the idea of leaving little jokes on the internet that people may or may not find.

// Hasta luego.

The Snuggie?

2009-02-08T16:05:00.004-05:00

// Brigee’s Mighty Putty video got me thinking. I dig most things that America has to offer. I’d consider myself a regular guy. I like to have a drink. I eat regular food. I live a basic life. But here’s what I can’t comprehend. How has the Snuggie become a huge hit in America? People everywhere are buying Snuggies. There's even a cult on facebook. Well, far be it from me to point out the obvious, but it is a blanket with arms. How about the family that wears Snuggies to a football game. (Please note the high-five at the 1:05 mark). They look like priests*.

*Courtesy of my brother's friend Matt, who pulled off this greasy Halloween costume quite well.

And With The First Pick In The 2009 NFL Draft, The Detroit Lions Select.....

2009-02-04T22:35:00.010-05:00

// It’s extremely early, but I’ve already seen about ten mock drafts for the big NFL event in April. At the same time, the Lions owner has finally become the CEO that fired the guy behind the mess and hired a new front office. He also brought in a new coach. So we’re heading in the right direction. After we load up on talent in the draft, we’re going to witness the greatest turnaround ever in 2009. America loves comeback stories. The Lions will be the featured presentation come fall. (We can dream can’t we?)

// So how do I think the Leos should approach the draft? DO NOT worry about offense. You have a dependable running back and the best receiver in the NFL. Give Stanton some reps in training cap and pray he develops. The Lions brought in Jim Schwartz. He’s a defensive-minded guy, so let’s give him the tools to build his team.

// After consulting with Mike, I’m going against every mock draft site on the net.

1. Aaron Curry (LB): Beast. He’s the cornerstone of your defense for the next ten years. Ernie Sims would no longer get double-teamed by the left-guard/center every play. And Larry Foote wants to come home to Detroit post-Super Bowl. Draft Curry and you just solidified one of the top LB-trios in the NFL.
20. Michael Johnson (DE): Same build as Julius Peppers and Mario Williams. He would complement a developing Cliff Avril and could be a force off the edge. The opposing quarterbacks would no longer be able flip steaks in the backfield and then deliver a 60-yard post for six. Tyson Jackson would also suffice at 20.
33. Alphonso Smith (CB): The secondary was shredded last year. Get Curry’s buddy from Wake Forest and add a premier corner that has ball skills. I honestly can’t remember the Lions’ corners making an interception last year. Dammit.

// Would these picks be considered a little risky? Youknowit. But after going offense in the first rounds of years past, it’s time to think about what Matt Millen did, and go in the exact opposite direction. If the Lions front office doesn’t listen to me? I won’t be that upset. Getting Stafford could be the answer. Nobody really knows. But I’ll say this… I know who they should avoid.

// Let me preface this story. When you meet a girl at the bar, talk about her life, and she says “All my ex’s are crazy!”, avoid that girl like the plague. Similarly, if you’re a general manager in sports, there’s certain types of players you don't want anything to do with.

// In the NBA, avoid the seven-kids-from-six-moms power forward and the I-tattoed-my-shoes-logo-on-the-side-of-my-head shooting guard. In major league baseball, avoid the recent-arm-issues-and-once-won-21-games-in-the-AL-West free agent pitcher. Additionally, never go after the I-use-flaxseed-oil-and-currently-have-back-acne slugger. In the NFL, it’s even easier. Avoid the I-scored-a-six-on-my-first-Wonderlic-test quarterback. Stay away from the pitbulls-are-my-children-and-those-treadmills-in-my-garage-are-for-humans-not-dogs QB. And finally, steer clear of the I-make-it-rain-at-Cheetah’s defensive back.

// With that being said, I sincerely hope that the Lions do not draft Michael Crabtree. We do not need another I-love-me-some-me wide receiver. If they do, this guy should prepare to add 2009 to his right pec.

MNStream: Full Strength

2009-02-02T16:44:00.005-05:00

// The above image conveys the message "those aren't women." Pretty clever, no? Check the rest out at this catalog of Modern Hobo Code.

// Let's not mix words. This was already the best site on the internet. Even when we weren't updating for months at a time, we were still thinking better than all of those other run-of-the-mill rhetoric factories. Then - as if ordained by The Big Man - we come back full force with an additional two starters? To quote Jimmy Johnson, "That's one reason for the domination." Mig and Slop-Bucket turn an already formidable trifecta into a starting five that definitely opens the season as an overwhelming favorite. After all, the Celtics wouldn't have beaten the Pistons last year without Rondo and Perkins. I'm just saying. To Mig and Slop-B: get it on.

// The last two times I've gone to Meijer, the greeter has failed to greet me. Both times I thought to myself, "What is that?" It's not as if they were deep into a conversation about the foreign currency markets. Both greeters were just standing there, by themselves, armed with a thousand-yard stare. Eye contact, slight nod, paused stroll; I utilized every method I knew to elicit some sort of salutation. Alas, my efforts proved futile. At this point, why is there a greeter being employed at all? Furthermore, if they're shirking their sole responsibility of greeting, what does their job title transform into? Stander? Human? Wet Noodle With a Heartbeat? The next time I go into Meijer - or for that matter, any store that employs a greeter - and I don't receive the expected hello, I'm going to engage the greeter in a super-close-quarters conversation detailing my predictions for the coming week's weather. One thing you can be sure of: when I'm the customer, those employees are going to earn every effing penny of that hourly wage.

// I really like most pop music. It's not even a guilty pleasure. I feel no guilt. I like to dance, so what? Are you going to bust my chops for dancing? Go listen to the Staind album and think about the next "snarling dragon" design you're going to draw on your backpack with a Bic pen, jackass. The point is I like most pop music. One exception, however, is Katy Perry. One of my least favorite musical acts since I've been alive is Pink (she sometimes spells it P!nk because she's close to the street, and that's how the kids are spelling it these days). The reason I don't care much for Katy Perry is because she sounds a lot like Pink. I'd be willing to bet that at least 25% of people thought "I Kissed a Girl" was the new Pink song when they first heard it on the radio. The same goes for "Hot N Cold". Is that whole persona really anything noteworthy? The whole "cool rocker bitch" thing? The entire basis for all their albums sales is "I don't give a crap about your feelings, dude, 'cuz I'm gonna FIGHT some other chicks tonight!!!!" Aside from domestic abuse survivors, why is this music appealing to anybody? Meehhhhh.... tub-deez.

// From the "Far Be It From Me To Complain, But..." Department: Even though my last two posts were almost totally Obama-related, I feel like I have to mention one more thing regarding the inauguration ceremony. If you'll reminisce with me for a moment, remember my reviews of Indiana Jones and Die Hard 4? In effect, I said that just because CGI provides for a more spectacular brand of explosions and mayhem, it doesn't need to be used ad nauseam. Old-fashioned, real explosions worked just fine for most of us. I kind of found a correlation with the media coverage of Barack's Inauguration Address. My work (that feels weird to say) prevented me from seeing the live feed, so I watched it via DVR at around 1 PM. One thing immediately stood out to me: there wasn't the slightest hint of an echo. I deduced that the microphones the networks used were wired into the podium to cut down on the echo. To that I ask, "Why?" Think about some other notable speeches from the past. When Lou Gehrig said, "Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth", don't you recall the echoes that rang when he paused? I feel like those echoes added something. The dirge of technology rears its ugly head again. Let's make one thing clear: I am definitely not a Luddite. I embrace technology like I embraced fried food in 2005: often and very affectionately. Just because we are capable of new (and some would say better) ways to do things doesn't mean we always have to employ the newest methods. I would've liked the speech better with a slight echo, that's all.

// Link Dump.... fills it up!

+ These warriors would've been most welcome when I used to think there were child-eating monsters residing in my bedroom closet.

+ Truthful TV Title Cards. C'mon! Who feels like a chuckle?

+ Humiliating Pet Costumes. While I agree the costumes look atrocious, don't they somehow make the model dogs look that much cuter? Boy, I want a dog. (Translation: Boy, I'm sad and lonely.)

+ Erotic iPod Speaker Set Housing. Does this qualify as avant-garde or is it just weird and nasty? I lean towards the latter.

+ Anatomy of a Kissy Face. So true. I haven't seen a girl actually smile for a picture in months.

// Good Monday. Enjoy your week everybody!

Back in Action

2009-02-01T12:34:00.004-05:00

Hello viewers. I apologize about my hiatus these last 5 or so months. I really had no good reason not to post. I was partially turned off by fellow blogger Brian for the most part but now have put that behind me. I'll be blogging again and you can count on me to bring some valuable input to the table. As you may know, the mnstream team now brings in many different qualities to the table with our 5 bloggers. Mike brings in quality humor and takes a unique stance on many different issues. Miggy brings in sharp analysis on the larger stories of today. Sloppy will bring in his Jerry Seinfeld-esque observational humor to the table. Brian will copy and paste links of videos that you've already seen onto our site. And I'll try my best to touch on today's stories as well as give you some rundowns on my various encounters. So you can say that this site has evolved and taken a step in the right direction.

So since my last blogs, a lot has happened. I took a new position at my company in August and really enjoyed it. I worked long hours and made a solid enough impression to be considered for another position. I interviewed for this position and got in and officially started at the beginning of 2009. This position requires a lot of travel so I'm on the road for 2 or 3 days a week on average. It's a great position that requires a lot of time but it is definitely more rewarding. So I'll have more time to myself in one sense when I'm on the road, so I definitely will have time to keep active on the blog.

I'm living with fellow blogger Miggy and another buddy from college and we're all enjoying the outer skirts of Wrigleyville. The winter sucks but the worst is now hopefully behind us. After today, weekends suck until about the time baseball starts, with the end of football. So I will most likely spend them working or doing something constructive. It is that period of life when you're still trying to act like a college kid but realize you're getting a little older, so there is a little confusion on whether or not I want to begin my night with a power hour then hit up some wrigleyville bars or to go to a bar and drink a few and go in early. Needless to say, the prior always trumps the latter at this period of my life. I am now the youngest guy on my team at work and am looked at (along with one other coworker) as this guy.

So as I mentioned, I'm living in Chicago. Needless to say, all of my roots still lay with Detroit. I will forever be a Detroit sports fan. It is pretty rough right now and I feel awful for the city but it can't get any lower. I think that most of the US will agree with me that they hope something good will happen to the city soon. The city can only go up from here. Let's hope the Tigers play as their payroll displays, and they take home the pennant. Tigers v. Cubs would be a dream. The Cubs are the only Chicago team I follow. This is acceptable because I've never rooted for an NL team before moving here, so there is no conflict of interest.

Regarding the Pistons, they made the appropriate move, sadly, to position themselves for the future. Let's just hope that we can bring in Amare, Bosh, or Wade. Lebron is most definitely heading to NY in 2010.

The Redwings are dominant. I won't watch the NHL until the playoffs, when I, along with many others, instantly become die-hard fans.

If the Lions draft a QB with the first pick, I will be pissed. We need to make some smart moves and start with the bottom and move up, and draft OL, DL, and LBers with our first 3 picks. We can settle with Orlovsky for one more year and give him a chance. Or, better yet, give Stanton a chance. Let us not forget that we drafted him instead of Lamaar Woodley, FML. If I see us take Stafford, I will once again sit down by myself and let the hopeless feeling sink in. Sadly, I can't remember the last time I watched the lions or the NFL draft and had any other feeling. I hope that just once, I can feel this type of excitement when I watch anything related to the lions. Instead, I ultimately will most likely feel like this.

Steelers plus 7 is a lock. The two Michigan LBs will be too much for the Cards. Will the cards gain more than 25 yards on the ground? My guess, no. Noet.

Put Me Down For Two Orders

2009-01-31T00:03:00.002-05:00

It's His Prerogative

2009-01-28T10:57:00.003-05:00

// So why are we starting out with "My Prerogative"? Three reasons. Firstly, why not? I don't even care that he took the bloom off Whitney's rose; Bobby Brown made some real fly music. Dig this: I like watching/listening to specific items about once every month. I like watching the Coors Light NFL ads with the fake press conferences. I like watching Barry Sanders highlights, and not just because I was dubbed "The White Barry" of Grosse Ile Middle School circa 1997. I like watching the extended cut of Weezer's "Buddy Holly" music video. You know why I do these things? It's not because I use the internet to validate my sad, sad, lonely life (it's partly that). It's because watching these clips acts as a cure-all for the occasional generic mopes (sometimes referred to The Mondays)! In addition to the previously mentioned items, "My Prerogative" is a song that's always hovering around my rotation. It's like the song version of Robert Horry (Spurs version); they'll never blow up for 40 and 12, but you always have to be weary. When you least expect it... KABOOM! and next thing you know you're dancing by yourself in boxers and Ray-Bans. I propose we all take the time every month or so to listen to Bobby Brown's classic anthem to those of us who say (in an Eric Cartman voice), "I do what I want!" It gives the listener that nice edge; an unmistakable pep in one's step. Secondly, we're listening to Bobby Brown because I recently made a decree - apartment-wide, mind you - that starting this year and continuing ad infinitum, the last full week of January will be known as New Jack Swing Week. I'm starting to grow tiresome of the guitar-driven rock portion of the ubiquitous '80s nostalgic bombardment. "Take Me Home Tonight", "Your Love", "Don't Stop Believing"... it's enough already. Admittedly, I'm being a tad hypocritical here. I was once entranced on a weekly basis by these same songs. I would force out of my mouth in a ridiculous excuse for coherent speech, "Dude! They're playing Journey after Akon?!? So cool!". That being said, can't we - as whatever kind of group we constitute - decide on some different songs to obnoxiously scream along to? I literally cringe every single mother-effing time "Livin' on a Prayer" comes on in a bar. If I was from say, Sub-Saharan Africa, I would assume that "Livin' on a Prayer" was the de facto national anthem. I can't remember the last weekend out in East Lansing without hearing one overweight, not-in-a-sexy-way-sweaty girl say to another, "Oh Em Gee, Becky! I LOVE this song! We're sooooo drunk fo sho!... Let's get some pizza!!" As a result, I'm starting to ween off some of the '80s that served me so well in Power Hours past, and New Jack Swing is filling the void. Besides, I think I'm getting tennis elbow from 8 years of fist-pumping.

(Quick FYI before we move on. I will always hate - I can't stress that word enough - hate Britney Spears for her cover of this song. Did anyone really give two dooks when Britney was walking around gas station bathrooms barefoot? NO! In effect, she retarded the original message of the song. Britney was saying, "Let me do what I want, this is my life." The public basically screamed back, "OK. Do whatever you want, seriously. Go sick. Let us know when you're dead so we can reserve the cover of OK! Magazine." People were interested in Bobby Brown. He left New Edition, his singles were all hits, he was bumping uglies with Whitney. If Britney covered the song in 2001, it would've at least made a little sense. By the time she released it, she wasn't making blips on radars anymore. What's more is, she realized this and sheepishly decided that she didn't care about the media's criticism as long as middle school boys were pleasuring themselves to her poster. I'm convinced this is the sole reason she's pulling herself back from her life in comically white trash indignity. This intense hatred also applies to Fall Out Boy. Fall Out Boy's other prepubescent whine-fests (they call them "songs") are deplorable enough, but then they had the audacity to remake "Beat It". Who the hell do these people think they are? Imagine you made a hyper-delicious meat lover's pizza that everyone loved and you called it "Hearty Pizza". A decade later, I decide to come out with my own "Hearty Pizza". It's the exact same as yours except it only has pepperoni and I like to pay hobos to ejaculate on it. Even so, I still call it "Hearty Pizza." Then I have the nerve to say publicly that your good pizza inspired me to make a crappier version. Your delicious pizza inspired me to make this semen-and-pepperoni disaster. Would you murder me? You see the point. Britney Spears and Fall Out Boy covered - and released to make money - songs by Bobby Brown and Michael Jackson, respectively. Two of the greatest artists of my lifetime were covered by two musical acts that make music that can be accurately described as "ear abortion".)

// Segue time. The last reason for Bobby Brown getting billing today is the title of the song. Prerogative is an interesting word. Based on absolutely nothing at all, I'd estimate that about half the things I believe are my prerogative are in fact not. There are many checks in our society that most people either a) don't give an ess about and flout, or b) are unaware of. I have no beef with most of the rules in place. The day-to-day lives of Johnnies and Janes go off - for the most part - without a hitch. I do, however, have a problem with the leader of the free world being judged and, for lack of a better word, persecuted for doing something completely, 100% legal.

That interview is from early December. Allow me to first illustrate the fallacies of what you just watched. Quick question: why is the White House a non-smoking facility? Who decided this? My guess is the decision came from a group of stick-in-the-mud Congressmen who, once they realized they'd never merit any consideration for a Presidential nomination, felt the need to validate their salaries with some good PR for their district's community effing newspapers. (BTW, I'm trying to decrease my swearing. Please note that my feelings on this matter would regularly elicit a cosmic amount of no-no words.) Seriously, the fact that ANYONE but the currently serving President has the gall to ban smoking in the White House is mind-boggling to me. Mindsplosion! Moving on, WTF is Brokaw's problem? Is he serious with that holier-than-thou bullshit? Is he confusing "smoking a very occasional cigarette" with "rampant and destructive alcoholism"? Quitting smoking is not the easiest thing in the world. Tommy B should put himself in Baracks's shoes. To ask a longtime smoker to completely quit mere months after he began his effort in earnest is a tall order. Imagine if Obama had asked Brokaw if he would quit being a smug, judgmental douchebag son of a bitch? I don't know if Brokaw could do it. They don't make any gum or patches that can help you quit having a dick-ish personality.

One more thing: it is definitely NOT a myth that when a smoker is in the process of quitting, said smoker can be a bit of a handful. I've tried to quit smoking (and failed epically) thrice. Within 24 non-smoking hours, I was edgy, cantankerous, irritable, and basically unhappy; even more so than I am in a general sense. The change in personality is so definite, so palpable, it's almost a bit frightening. Think of it as a very junior varsity version of The Incredible Hulk. "You wouldn't like me when angry - I mean, without a Marlboro Light..." That was me. Three different times. For about 48 hours apiece. That's the effect you can generally expect from someone mid-quit. Here's my point: does our country really need our newly-elected leader to be white-knuckling it through four years of that post? I really cannot fathom the stresses and anxieties that come with being the President, let alone the President that the country is anointing as an infallible savior. Is it really fair to take away his pack of smokes? I really don't think so. Another real bummer about this whole situation is the fact that the Truman Balcony - the expansive second-floor balcony facing south - would probably be the #1 coolest place in the world to have a smoke.

Scenario: imagine making sweet, sweet love to the wife after the Inauguration ball. You just had sex in the White House. You now command thousands of nuclear warheads. Billions - billions - of lives are depending on your abilities as a leader, and you have the confidence of knowing that the most powerful nation on Earth trusts you with those responsibilities. You look up at the bedroom ceiling and you mumble cockily to yourself, "I'm the President, bitch." Big smile. Your dreams are realized. Who's the man? You, sir! You are the man! You come out of your auto-erotic coma to find yourself going outside. Let's take in that Truman Balcony. Maybe we'll see some protesters and given them the finger. You're wearing that awesome navy-and-white terry cloth robe with the Presidential Seal embroidered on the pocket. You take in the air and thank The Big Guy for your blessings. "Son of a bitch", you think to yourself. Your happiness can barely be contained as you think, "I'm the President. The Pre-zee-dent! Whattya know about that?" You flick your Bic and hammer down the most satisfying Carolina stick you've ever had. End scenario.

// I think Barack Obama deserves that moment.

You Can’t Explain Everything - Super Bowl XLIII (+ My Pick)

2009-01-24T01:47:00.011-05:00

Despite what some people think, not everything has a perfect explanation. Let’s look at the Arizona Cardinals. By the way this team played a month ago, it doesn’t make sense. Logically, visually, statistically, there isn’t an explanation. But I’m starting to think that this is a good thing. Why? Because teams like this give us upsets in sports, and unexpected drama in life (at least for sports fans who bet the Eagles -4). I guess it’s good to realize that not everything has to make sense. Just because there’s no perfect explanation for the lights in the sky doesn’t mean there are UFOs out there. The lack of an explanation is a gift.

// Sidenote: There will always be two questions in life that I would love an explanation for. Why do they report power outages on television, and why do they put those braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATMs? Thoughts?

// If you could explain everything, the favorites would always win. Instead of always looking for an answer, it’s good to just sit back and enjoy the Cardinals run. Sure I thought the Eagles were a better team than the Cards. All of the numbers said so. Even though the showing by the Eagles defense was comparable to Janeane Garofalo’s performance in the first five hours of 24, all things logical still pointed to an Philly win. Arizona was the younger team. No pass rush. They were soft in a bad division. Blown out several times. And terrible when leaving their time zone. For all that, the lack of answers is what makes this an intriguing Super Bowl.

// Now for the other side and the team representing the stronger AFC. Let’s start with the coach. Mike Tomlin has that John McCain quality. If either was your dad, you would bring home straight A’s. You wouldn’t screw with him. You wouldn’t talk back to Mike Tomlin. He’s intimidating. I think half of the players’ motivation is to not disappoint Tomlin. He has been a home-run hire. He looks like a football coach. He plays the part.

// For the Steelers team, this entire Super Bowl run is a testament to how well they are run as an organization. Lions front office…take notes. This is how you become successful. Very little flash and 100% substance. Pay attention to the draft, build from the lines out, and eliminate headaches ASAP. Having major stability at head coach doesn’t hurt either. Once they got Ben to stop bouncing off windshields, I think they solidified their spot as the best-run American sports franchise. The Yankees may be richer. The Lakers have more pizzazz. But the blue-collar Steelers get the job done quietly. They are your no-nonsense, meat-and-potatoes team. They are the restaurant that stays open for 40 years. Comparatively, the Lions are the night club that is red-hot for a month and then gets busted by the feds (...I just watched We Own The Night, which I'd give an 8/10).

// So how about the game? Go to the bank, withdraw some dough, and get ready to double your money.

No-Choice Pick: Pittsburgh -7

SITE UPDATE // Welcome Aboard, Sloppy

2009-01-24T01:15:00.005-05:00

// The stream has added a new member to the team, and the above picture represents my happiness for this happening. This addition should refuel the stream team, get ready for it gang.

How To Disable a Woman While Wearing a Loinscloth

2009-01-22T20:24:00.001-05:00

// That is all

Sounds Like It's Time to Punch In

2009-01-20T13:13:00.006-05:00

// Truly, it's a wonderful day for our country. Seeing Barack Obama become the our President is an image that personifies good words - words like hope and opportunity and America - in a very dramatic fashion. His is a story that has the potential to serve as an inspiration to people from any walk of life. And it's not because he's black. And it's not because we're finally rid of President Bush. And it's not because it's trendy to hate on Republicans now. And it's definitely not because we'll finally get to see what kind of puppy he'll get his daughters. There's nothing superficial about what makes this day so special. The election of Barack Obama is the best proof yet that the United States's reputation of a "land of opportunity" still rings true. His beginnings were humbler than most. He made his fair share of mistakes along the way, but he worked and worked and worked - hard - to achieve the goals he had set for himself. For a nation who can best be described wholly as "weary", to see a man achieve such a colossal triumph and truly believe he has good in his heart is very uplifting. There's a recognition that occurs; people realize it easier if they see the fruits of another man's labor, especially when the fruit is becoming President. There's a feeling of elation when we're reminded of the fact that working hard - while sometimes its own reward - can help you see even your loftiest goals come to fruition. Let's dissect this incredible day.

// The speech. Before today, I was beginning to think people were expecting too much. It reminded of this: if you ever ask someone over 40 about Saturday Night Live, a very likely response is something along the lines of, "Nothing was as good as those early ones with Belushi and Akroyd and Gilda Radner and Eddie Murphy and Chevy Chase." I respectfully disagree. My hypothesis on this is that the only parts of those old SNLs we see replayed anymore are the gems. We see Belushi's Samurai character and the knock-knock shark at Weekend Update and subsequently those SNLs are remembered as classics. Of course, right? All we're ever seeing is the skits they struck gold with! However, if you've ever watched an entire episode of an old SNL, I think you'll find what I did: the skit batting average was very similar to what it is now. A lot of so-sos, a couple yuk-yuks, and every so often they hit a grand slam. There seemed to be a correlation like that with regard to today's speech as well. I think there was this (unfair) expectation that every line of Obama's speech was going to be on par with "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" or "ask not what your country can do for you...". While it wasn't an immediate "HOLY CRAP DID YOU HEAR THAT!!" kind of speech, it was a very well-written (and extremely well-delivered, obv) speech and I think that over time it will be favorably compared to other notable inaugural addresses. Some parts I rather enjoyed:

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met.

This might be the early favorite for the line that will be remembered the most (and played along those ubiquitous lines I said earlier). Also, it's the early front runner for the quote most often mangled by high school seniors in their class 0f 2132 yearbook.

Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

The overall message of the entire speech, the whole "let's go to work" thing played really well. Rightfully so. That's maybe the best aspect of his Presidential persona thus far. From the second he planned his victory address, he's never wavered from his "the work is just beginning" theme. I found that the more I replayed it, the more I thought about that Pistons "going to work" jingle they play during ticket ads.

We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories.

Energy, in my mind, is the most pressing issue we face. I think success on that front could act almost like a panacea for our various other problems. I really hope he can succeed in getting progressive energy reform enacted soon. There needs - needs - to be laws that will force our country into more widespread use of renewable energy and ween our dependency on not just foreign oil but all fossil fuels. I really believe the growing scarcity of fossil fuels could be the make-or-break issue of America.

We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

I have a plethora of thoughts on our foreign policy; way too many to include in a blurb. I just wanted to point out that his whole demeanor during his glossing over of defense was very reassuring. He might not be quite the hard-liner that G.W. was, but he's not a pushover. I think his assurances that are country will be safe are genuine.

What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This might be the money shot; the quote that goes on the marble block holding up the statue if our great-great-great-grandchildren decide Obama merits a monument on the mall. It's easy to be cynical, especially when our perception of our country is so dire, but Barack Obama is inspiring. It really is that simple. Our recent history has made it easy to be dubious and harbor a mistrust of all things government. Again, it's easy to be cynical. But there is a great feeling in being genuinely excited about the direction Obama can give us.

If you've ever seen him speak, and I doubt I know anyone who hasn't, you know that words on a screen don't do Barack Obama justice. His eloquence and charisma make his speeches seem like more than words from a politician. He's so moving. If you didn't see it, I urge you to watch the speech here. It really is worth the time, especially the anecdotal parting shot. OK, moving on from speech highlights...

// Since he bested Hillary Clinton over the course of the Democratic primaries, the hype surrounding President Obama (henceforth referred to as "Obama" or simply "Barry", I just wanted to type "President Obama" one time for my own amends) has been almost unequaled by anything I can recall. It sounds ridiculous to compare the two people, and perhaps it is a commentary on how exasperating our country can get, but the sheer mass of the exposure Obama has received in the last year is the most I can recall since late-90s early-00s Britney Spears. I don't think I've gone a single day since last February without hearing an actual discussion about the man, much less seeing his family's vacation photos grace the cover of US Weekly. It would seem as though now, with him finally being inaugurated, the hype will gradually subside and he'll slowly become something we're accustomed to. But does that prediction hold water? I'm not so sure.

When I say his hype was unparalleled, I mean exactly that. My comparison to last decade's Britney is a serious one, at least as far as media coverage is concerned. It's arguable that Barack's celebrity has surpassed even hers. In an historical sense, he might be the most talked about person in our country's (and perhaps even the world's) history. If you took his celebrity and matched it up with The Beatles, wouldn't you guess Barack Obama is a bigger story? Even when taking into account the relatively gargantuan size of the present media compared to that of the '60s, doesn't Obama still register as a bigger hype machine? I'm leaning towards yes.

The question, then, is what now? He had a strong mandate, no doubt. The message sent in early November was unmistakable: we wanted Barack Obama to be President. We got it. Message received. No Emperor Palpatine-esque power grab from the Neo-Cons. So when does the work begin and, the bigger question, when will average Americans have their trust rewarded? When will the Gallup polls reveal that yes, average Americans think we've "turned it around"? When comes Obama's CHANGE? There's no black-and-white answer to that one. I think the country made a good decision electing Obama. I think he's beyond capable and - more importantly - I believe he has a good, selfless heart. It worries me a bit, however, that the country will be impatient with him. I don't know if we can make another good decision and be patient. I don't know if the people - not a person, but the people - have the foresight to really heed Obama's words when he says our work is just beginning. The pressure on this man is so great - so massive - and in his line of work there's rarely any change for the good that happens overnight. A big question yet to be answered is how will Obama handle it if the honeymoon ends? I for one believe he's that good; his skill set and abilities as a leader will enable him to create real results in (relatively, remember) quick fashion. But is it possible that it all falls the other way? Will he grow weary of the pressures of the office? Grow tired from the constant scrutiny and exposure? Become jaded towards our system and abandon his altruistic goals? Is it possible?

// Truly, it's a wonderful day for our country. This could be the start of a course of action that will extend our country's prosperity until long after we're all dead and gone. It used to be easy to be cynical, but no more. Barack Obama has quelled the growth of our disillusionment. Barack Obama made it easy to be an optimist again.

Brian in 10 Years

2009-01-19T15:09:00.005-05:00

Fast forward to 1:30 to see Brian's counterpart.

I look forward to the time undercover reporters release a similar video on Brian.

Cooper responds to the reporter's questions exactly as Brian would. Amazing...

Pervert Caught At The Library - Watch more Entertainment

SITE UPDATE // Welcome Aboard, Miggy

2009-01-19T01:41:00.004-05:00

// The stream has added a new member to the team, and the above picture represents my happiness for this happening. This addition should refuel the stream team, get ready for it gang.

First Time, Long Time

2009-01-19T00:03:00.016-05:00

// It’s my first post on The Stream after being a long-time reader. So let’s get to it. What am I bringing to the table? I don’t have the writing abilities or humor of Mike. I’m more of a numbers guy. I probably won’t delve into my personal life and show you the inner workings of a major corporation like Kevin. And I certainly don’t have the knack for finding high-quality video clips like Brian. Thus, I won’t be the guy to put The Stream on this list, but I’ll help pass the time in between their posts. And bring some flavor along the way.

// How did I get here? Well, I grew up with the three guys on Grosse Ile and spoke the GINV. Then college happened and I enjoyed every bit of the ride. But after those days were over, I was at a crossroads. I decided it was time to relocate to a new city and see what the rest of America had to offer.

// I was out of college at 22 and outside of a short stint in Europe, I was living with my parents. Sidenote: I’m never living in Europe again...God bless the red, white, and blue. Anyway, I was worried that the living-with-my-parents situation could become a slippery slope. Fast forward eight years and would I still be that single 30-year old guy living in the bedroom I grew up in?

// A recent survey from the AARP discovered that one-fourth of the Generation X-ers (i.e. so-called slackers), those 28 to 39 years old, receive financial help from family and friends. That is not acceptable. Don’t turn to dad for a handout…get a job. I tip my cap to the guy who’s 25, earning a decent wage, and saving rent money by taking shelter with his parents. Times are tough right now. The job market is lousy. The economy is slumping while we’re in the midst of a credit crunch. We all have to scale back. But…once you hit 30, the coupon expires. You can no longer accept the parents offer to live in the basement and watch Entourage at 2am while dad pays the cable bill. It’s time to lick your wounds and save some cabbage to get your own pad. If you’re 27-28 years old, I’ll give ya a mulligan. But when the 30th birthday strikes, stop being lazy and get out.

// I got out early. I’m living in Chicago. My job pays the rent and I’m scraping by. The city life is cool, but the sports teams reek. I love to remind my co-workers of Detroit's recent success. They all say I’m living in the past, but…hell with ‘em. So, where to from here? Not exactly sure, but add my beloved Detroit sports teams to my friends in SE Michigan and I’ll be back one day. Just not in my parents’ house.

Kevin In 10 Years

2009-01-18T16:47:00.001-05:00

The Official User's Guide to The Grosse Ile (+North) Vernacular

2009-01-15T12:10:00.004-05:00

// I don't think I'll ever sound more pompous in a post than I will right here. Then again, I am me. Yes, that's true. I'm me. I could out-pompous myself, even on a bad day. So let me rephrase: I don't think I'll ever unintentionally sound more pompous than I'm about to. I can imagine the disparaging comments emanating from your inner monologue. "Seriously? The guy takes credit for a whole line of lingo?" Well it's about time to chiggety check yourself mi amigo, because here comes a rebuttal, and I'm aiming right at your dome. No, I'm not taking full credit. I'm not even taking half-credit. The Grosse Ile (+ North) Vernacular (henceforth known as GINV, or if the mood should strike you, Gin-Veezy) has always been, and will always continue to be a collaborative effort. Many good men have made priceless contributions to a language that has evolved from its humble beginnings. GINV was once a mere cluster-eff of idiotic, full-blown alcoholic ramblings mumbled into the uncaring and disgusted ears of anyone unfortunate enough within earshot. In little more than 6 years, it has become a way of life; part of the very fabric that makes up the tapestry of good times with good friends. Therein lies the grand design of this perhaps insanity-causing collection. It's to be shared amongst friends. I don't understand it myself, but the equation cannot be denied. Great times + GINV = (possibly) greater times. Try it out. If it doesn't work, we have a 90-day money back guarantee.

A quick note about the name. While the vernacular had its origins on Grosse Ile, it's true potential was reached (and it's usage was nearly doubled) when the innovators from GI collaborated with the savants from the North. (Quick note: the North in this case refers to pretty much the Troy area. It's too much of a pain in the butt to list all 47 of the towns/villages/hamlets those brosephs are from, and also I hate abbreviating Oakland County into "The O.C." Plus, the acronym works way better.) That's why we're calling it what we're calling it. A man who doesn't give others their due and proper is not a man you want on your squad when its 4th and goal.

Lastly, I'd like to offer a quick story. Fun fact: I've been to the last two victories of the Detroit Lions (0-16 aftermath post coming soon, btw). The last victory was a 25-20 victory over the Chiefs, a game in which fellow 'Streamer Brigee was kind enough to take me to. The victory before that was another gem. The Week 9 Lions victory over the Broncos took the team to 6-2. The best part was that they didn't just win; the Lions absolutely humiliated the Broncos all dog gone day. And not only on the field, but also in the concourse of the stadium. On the way out, the crew and I had prime seats to witness some poor sap Broncos fan getting lit up - LIT UP - by three surly Motor City types. Anywho, the crew was as follows: my man Nelson, who came strong with the tickets. My man Plow, who polished off a double meat Italian sub from Subway on the way down to Motown. Plow's roommate DJ, a late-round pick by Plow up at CMU who turned into one of the gems of the post-high-school-friend draft. Last, and most likely least, your truly. We're on the way down to the game, when the hangovers from last night's malfeasances begin to take a firm, interlocking grip. Hangover protocol dictates two things must happen unless in the most extenuating of circumstances. We need some perfect food, and we need to get a little slap-happy. I already mentioned the Subway. I'm happy to say that the slap-happy was never far behind. It started off with laughing at the (seemingly perpetual) gaseous emissions. Then it devolves into country music, bad jokes, etc, etc. We'd all been there before. Or had we? The wheels were turning in DJ's melon. His mind was a steel trap of deciphering, but to no avail. He thought to himself, "What are these guys talking about? Did they get high?" Guess again, Deej-Man. It was the GINV. The trip to the D took about 2 hours with heavy traffic (remember, the Lions were 5th in the NFC standings at this point). Bless his soul. He kept at it for about an hour and 45 minutes, but eventually it was too much for DJ to continue holding his tongue. At about the time I-96 meets Davison, DJ piped up, "OK! Ok. Seriously?! Seriously, you guys... I have no idea... NO idea what you're talking about. What are you talking about?".... Ok, I didn't say it was a good story. But it should illustrate the power the lingo can carry. Substituting these (at first glance) meaningless words for part or all of a strategically selected word in a sentence... will quite frankly change your life. Without further ado... The Grosse Ile (+North) Vernacular. In alphabetical order.

- bird: a modifier used in conjunction with the first letter of an otherwise normal word, especially used during recognized holidays. (Wed. before Thanksgiving): Hey Cindy! Happy T-Bird!

- bone: kind of like when you have a nice outfit on, but if you find the right hat it'll really make the whole ensemble "pop". Let's play 7-11-Doubles. You got the diebones?

- brizz: a rarely used "replacement" syllable, most often for words beginning in "b" and/or "br". What was the name of the bowling alley on the sitcom "Ed"? Stuck-Brizz?

- breez(y): same as brizz, but used for added panache when dining on more formal fare. Did you want bacon on your Cobb salad? Yeah, gimme that breezy if you could.

- cock: etiquette would dictate its use when the company is exclusively male, generally used in a disparaging tone. Seriously, can we get one decent middle linebacker?!?! Ted-Cock!!!

- dawg: used as a name-modifying colloquialism, spelling is paramount to its effective use. (When greeting someone of large stature): Ooh! Mig-Dawg!

- diesel: somewhat akin to "cock", this word employs less malice and, when donned properly, leaves a waft of F-150 commercial in the air. I really can't hit a fairway. Lemme try your drive-diesel.

- dick: not surprisingly, this cock-esque ending word has a more playful, I'm-just-busting-your-balls attitude, strictly for use between close friends. Yeah and then Bri-dick had to help me climb my balcony.

- deez: perhaps the most inane of all words, deez is used in combinations to either describe a rotund person or convey the feeling "eff it". You have 14, sir. Hit? Ehh... tub-deez.

- deezy: used to sing Akon's opening lines in "Soul Survivor" and covertly convey that you think someone within earshot is overweight. (in melody, like Akon): Akon and Tub-Deezy!

- dub: a substitute for the letter W but, and this is imperative, only when the W is part of an acronym with another consonant. Hey, you thirsty? Yeah dude, hand me that dub-B.

- fuck: used to indicate your displeasure in the immediate aftermath of a poor showing. How long does it take to make change? Toll-fuck!

- geeeeeeem: used in basketball to instruct players to initiate a full court press. (After a made shot): GEEEEEEM!!!!

- grease/greasy: as the name implies, this word alters the name of something that isn't of the cleanest persuasion. Wanna get some Donny-grease? -- or -- How'd you do with that girl? Dude, big greasy.

- Jigs/Jiggas: only for use with combined last names in which it rolls off the tongue like a hip-hop song. You know who was always smiling? Hoe-Jiggas.

- jeezy: perhaps the most popular, it modifies almost the entire dictionary. I'm out can you get me a brew-jeezy? -- or -- Then we slide-jeezy right past the bouncer.

- piece: a hallmark and original member of GINV, piece is equally as ubiquitous as jeezy. Let's get some tunes! Gimme the pod-piece!

- pimpin: a rare complete name substitute, pimpin should only be used with people you've met less than 3 times, lest it become insulting. You remember Jack? Hell yeah. What's up pimpin?

- pump: subtly sexual in nature, pump is often used on decidedly non-sexual gossamer. Yeah, I got a flat, Susan! I can't find the j-pump!

- peezy: similar to piece, but used less often due to its similar phonetic nature (and "little brother" status) to jeezy. You guys feel like some euch-peezy?

- scrape: a verb with omnipotent flair, scrape must be carefully emphasized in a sentence or used with a complementary noun to convey proper meaning. Anyone mind if I scrape a soda?

// So there it is. For now. Remember, Gin-Veezy never stays in one place. There are many empty pages still left in the book, and the ending can never be written. In the words of Gary Busey, "Art is never the final form. Art is the journey." Become the journey and your final form will take care of itself. I hope you enjoy yourselves.

Easin' It In... Like a Gentleman

2009-01-14T06:28:00.000-05:00

// Some words get thrown around way too often. This has been clear to me for a while. The difficult question is why? Why are some words used with so much more frequency than others? Part of the answer is sensationalism, especially on the telly. Human beings enjoy - nay - LOVE superlatives (see that there? doesn't "love" just sound more correct and normal?). We're so over inundated by hearing something is "the ultimate" this or "definitely the finest" that. It's taken its toll. The constant use of these words - words that should only be used to describe something of the highest order - has dulled our senses a bit. Our regular comparative adjectives don't do it for us anymore. They absolutely do not suffice (again, doesn't "absolutely" just roll off the tongue so easily?). In a way, it's akin to a sort of diction cocaine, no? Who still gets a nicotine buzz after doing blow every weekend? The same goes for when we use superlatives all the time. It's too boring to hear that something is "decent" or "pretty good". We prefer to hear "greatest". There's no rush when you hear someone say your favorite point guard has "fine ball handling skills". Instead, we just anoint anybody and everybody as "the best" and then argue with one another over what one thing actually is the best. By the way, I just wrote down - probably verbatim - the pitch they gave to ESPN for Around The Horn. But I digress. Let's talk superlatives. One example is the term "Offensive (or Defensive, obv) Genius". That's a phrase that I hear much more often than is warranted. It seems every time I turn on NFL Live, I have to stare at Merril Hoge's annoying face perched above his ridiculously wide shoulders and hear him say, "blahblahblah is an offensive genius." (Quick side note: since the departure of Sean Salisbury, a hot commodity in the power rankings of "ESPN Talking Head You'd Like To Slap Very Hard" is Merril Hoge. His body of work teems more and more every day in its asininity.) There's no need for Hoge to call Dick LeBeau, Rex Ryan and Ron Rivera all geniuses. His point would be nicely (and probably more correctly) made if he called all of them "very good defensive coordinators". But nobody wants to hear that noise. We want geniuses, dammit! Now! Geniuses! Again, it's like a drug and we're addicted to it.

Let's get away from superlatives. There's a point coming. Promise. There are plenty of other words that get too much airtime. My king culprit is the word "drama". This case is easy to crack. I know where it came from and how it became so widespread. As much as it pains me to say it, I point the blame at Laguna Beach. Gosh, how I enjoyed that show. I shared a bevy of yuks with my old buddy Stach while we dissected the first season game film MTV treated us to in the fall of 2004. However, it is very hard to deny that since the advent of LB (and shortly thereafter The Hills, which is about as fun as a hemorrhoid), "drama" has been used to describe roughly 95% of anything that even remotely resembles a disagreement between people. The word gets thrown around like a Nerf at 4th-grade recess. Frustrating. I'd venture to guess that there's a sentence that has been nearly phased out of existence since LB reared its (gorgeous and tan) head. When is the last time you heard - on TV or in real life - someone say, "Those two don't like each other very much." No one says it! It's as if every intricacy, every facet, every minute detail of a strained relationship between two people can simply be glossed over and adequately explained by saying, "Drama." Look, I'm all for brevity. For years, I've been shortening about half of the words I use by replacing the longer syllables with (among others*) "jeezy" or "peezy" at the end of them. Seriously, don't even ask yourself why. It just feels right. I'm just tired of hearing "drama". That's all. We need the President to go down to SoCal and give L.A. County and Orange County a mandate: stop using the word "drama" unless describing the genre of an artistic medium. Enough is enough.

* A full write-up detailing what has become affectionately known as "The Grosse Ile Vernacular" will be coming soon. The ultimate goal is to get a Wikipedia page.

Fortunately, there's a flip side to the coin. (So close to the point. Still getting there, but closer.) Some words, in this case some very superlative words, are not being beaten to death by sensationalist dummies. There is a hesitant caution before one employs certain words (although the list of those words is dwindling). It's good that this happens, though. We don't need to start throwing these around. That would be like giving Tyler from Fight Club access to a nuclear arsenal. Appropriately used words? They exist. The easy example(s): Perfect. Consummate. Immaculate. Flawless. I feel like we, as a society, are admirably careful about overusing these words. You don't often hear something is perfect. It's rare to hear, "Hey Peter. How were those muffins from Panera?" "Oh y'know... perfect." Nobody comes home from a Red Wings game and says, "Oh man. Draper's wrister in the 2nd was freakin' perfect." It doesn't happen like that. A sacred aura still exists around "perfect". That's not to say you can't use qualifiers to alter your meaning. "Dude, her body was almost perfect" is a phrase offered regularly in the throes of dudes-together-the-morning-after-a-crazy-night-out time. People also say "near perfect" quite a bit. This past summer I used "near perfect" to describe The Dark Knight. If I stand behind the claim when asked "Really?", it works, right? Right. Here comes the payoff.

So, after taking a very scenic route, we've arrived at our destination: the reason for the post. You see, there is a method to the madness. I didn't just write all that stuff to rant, although that would seem very Honerian (my name works well as an adjective!). First, I enjoy delving into etymology and philology. Language changes and (d)evolves so drastically it sometimes feels like a living thing. The patterns in everyday speech can tell a culture a lot about itself. I also wrote it because I wanted to make a clear distinction that there are many things called "the best" that aren't necessarily the best. The diatribes on language acted as a wonderful "alley" for the approaching "oop". My friends, the point needed to be made because something truly wonderful has happened to us all. My roommate Ben stumbled onto what I feel very comfortable calling The Best movie scene in the history of motion pictures (also, he found the second best). The title "Best" can be deduced because at this point I can't fathom how anyone out there has the capacity to create something more sublime than what you're about to see. The lines, the facial expressions, even the body language is, for lack of a better word, magical. A little exposition: The clips from a 1987 feature called Hard Ticket to Hawaii, a quasi-pornographic insanity romp that does to rationalized, decent thought what Vanilla Ice did to the coolness quotient of white males. !!! Probably NSFW. Better safe than sorry. Err on the side of caution. That kind of thing. !!! Make sure there's nothing around you that can fall over easily if you lose control of your limbs... and enjoy.

Just as soon as we hit 88 MPH

2009-01-09T08:52:00.002-05:00

// We here at the 'Stream just wanted to give all our fans - all nine of you - a quick site update. We're coming back. Stronger than ever. Reasons, rationales and apologies for our absence will present themselves as the posts warrant, but rest assured. The 'Stream is coming back. ...(cue dramatic music sting and Morgan Freeman voice over)... Hope... survives. Church.

I Miss Conan's Walker Lever

2008-10-31T13:24:00.000-04:00

Joey 6-pack vs. Joe the Plumber

2008-10-31T00:09:00.002-04:00

Winner: Joey 6-pack.

Politics I Guess

2008-10-16T00:14:00.007-04:00

// Has anyone seen that new Bdubz commercial? In case you haven’t it goes like this: a bunch of people are enjoying themselves at Buffalo Wild Wings, with the assumption that they are there to support their sports team of choice, while enjoying some drinks. One version of it has them watching their fictional NFL team and there is a booth challenge. The ref looks into the booth and appears on the big screen at bdubz asking the crowd what he should call. One drunk guy gets up and says we don’t want to leave yet! Keep it going! Yeah!!! Everyone agrees. The second version is a fictional MLB manager getting on the phone to the bullpen, but instead it goes to bdubz where the drunken crowd yells to put in (insert tigers bullpen) into the game, because that will keep the game going! YEAH!!! What kind of fans are these people? They would rather see their team lose then get wasted. And hey guys… you don’t have to leave once your team wins, I mean if anything that’s more of a reason to celebrate. Fellow blogger, Mike, a.k.a. Old Hone, and I basically have the same philosophy about things like this. If a company makes such a retarded commercial like the one listed above then we purposely go out of our way to never buy their product. I still haven’t bought Miller Lite since those horrible ads back in ’05, even though I guess you could say they have rebounded with the more recent Man Law ads, it’s still too early for me. To wrap this up, don’t go to Buffalo Wild Wings if you have a choice, this commercial needs to be repudiated.

// Speaking of retards, hey Hollywood, what’s going on? Have you heard about this election thing that’s going on? I think some of you had. Jessica Alba apparently has.

Dear Jessica Alba and Hayden whateverthefuckyourlastnameis,
If I didn’t care about this election, I would honestly purposely not vote just to spite both of you. In the same sense that retarded ads piss me off, believe it or not, retarded psa’s get me going to. Hayden, you’re not worth a wikipedia search to see what it is that you do, but please shut the fuck up, just do a Playboy spread or something, if you’re old enough. Jessica Alba… ah, Jessica… please just stick to what you’re good at: looking good and being in horrible comedies.
sincerely, my penis.

// Staying on the politics train, next stop: Sarah Palin. Alright let’s not actually talk about her, but instead watch the best Palin parody that I’ve seen yet.

// I watched most of the presidential debate tonight, at least until a new episode of South Park aired at 10. Nothing really to comment on here, same thing we’ve been hearing for awhile from both candidates. If anyone watched it, then you would notice that there were way too many references to “Joe the Plumber.” Who the hell is this guy? Maybe it’s because I was apparently that deeply affected by Zeke the Plumber that I could only think of him when they brought his name up like 50 times, (Salute Your Shorts reference, kids). Joe/Zeek does not represent middle of America, if you ask me there’s a better plumber out there that I would much rather be the cornerstone of middle of America. He can unclog your pipes, take some mushrooms, and still save a princess. Mario the plumber represents middle of America way better then Joe. Joe is basically Mario’s third cousin removed, he wouldn’t know what to do with a koopa troopa if it rubbed up his leg. Jump on it Joe, jump on it.

Lukewarm Topics

2008-10-14T13:16:00.004-04:00

// There are a lot of things that make people unique. That's a fact, and it's pretty much the definition of unique. Gender, race, height, weight, personality, values held; these are all broad terms that can be broken down further (and further and further) until eventually you can map out exactly who a person is, albeit still with a tone of generality. One of my personality quirks was brought to my attention a couple of years ago by my associate Dr. Schroed. Schroed and I had - at this point - known each other for some years and he was comfortable enough around me to bring up this Hone-ity without fear of me being offended or any similar repercussion. He said to me on one of our innumerable listless post-4-on-4 basketball Saturday afternoons, "Hone, you like to judge people's names." Immediately, I realized he was right. It had never been brought up to me before, but I quickly realized it to be true. Schroed's cup had runneth over with examples in which I'd hear a person's name and respond with a seemingly limitless arsenal of high-brow, well thought out comments like, "That name is stupid..." or "Awesome name." My initial reaction was to reel in this behavior. After all, who am I to judge names?... Then I thought about it some more. No one else I'd met at that point judged names. I was sailing in uncharted waters, and I was having a good time doing it. I felt like the act of judging names was a new continent and I was the first explorer to reach the shore, if only in my personal circle of co-conspirators. Sticking with that analogy, I decided to plant my flag down and claim the name-judging continent for my own sweet self. In case you were wondering, there is a reason for this perhaps-too-lengthy exposition. I was wandering aimlessly with my thoughts the other day and one of the stops on my mind-train was Disney movies. I can't remember exactly how I came to be on that track, but I think it had something to do with me seeing an ad for the Broadway adaptation of The Little Mermaid. The mind quickly surmised the gem, "Ariel. That's a dumb name." Just like that, I knew I had the beginnings to a 'Stream post on my hands. Don't look now, but I just revealed how insanely easy it is to write a below-average blog. Anyways, I'll now unveil the most anticipated item yet in the young life of this increasingly soft-headed venture: Good and Bad Disney Princess Names. (cue the alternating beat of the tympani drum).
1) As was previously mentioned, Ariel is a dumb name. It's bad not only in a general context, but also as a device in the maritime story. First, Ariel is androgynous. What do you think the full name is of Ari from Entourage? I'd also be remiss if I didn't mention this fellow who - and this is purely speculative - might've been an advocate for genocide. Gender-bender issues aside, the name also sounds stupid in a movie that takes place predominantly underwater. Ariel is a homophone for aerial. She's a half sexy woman, half sexy fish. Why would you name her something that reminds us of flight? C'mon, Disney. Think.
2) Let's move on to Jasmine, the Arabic princess who went slumming and found true love. I love that name. It has a hint of stripper in it, but that's not making me shy away. You want to have a little stripper in your name, just not too much. That kind of thing can be easy to overdo. It bears mentioning as well that Jasmine lends itself to a great nickname that can be used in colloquial situations: Jazzy. That sounds pretty good.
3) Belle. Meh. It's not a terrible name, but it's not doing a lot for you, right? Based on absolutely no research and only very little logic in general, I'm inclined to think that the name Belle is derived an actual bell, which is almost ridiculous beyond words. If you put a gun to my head I'd say that yes, a bell is a decent object relative to all other objects ever conceived, but what is that really? It makes just as much sense to name your bestiality-curious daughter Ladle or Plier. Plus, the first time you come across some clever people who don't give a dook if your feelings get hurt, your new nickname becomes Ball. Overall, I'd give it a C-.
4) What about Snow White? Again, this isn't terrible, but after the birth I'd make sure and move into a decidedly un-diverse school district. Between the racial undertones and the pale skin jokes that the name is just begging for, I'd consider naming her Amy or something in that genre.
5) In the case of Pocahontas, it's hard to argue with a name so well-known in a historical sense. I'll say this: if I was the chief or whatever of her tribe, I'd consult my shaman or my witch doctor or whatever kind of soothsayer I was employing and I'd ask this, "In the future, is there going to be a nearly globally-used language in which my daughter's name could be manipulated into some kind of sexual pun?" The clairvoyant employee would say, "Yeah, it'll be called English, and the word "poke" will be a euphemism for sex that will gain much popularity when a musician named Dr. Dre uses it in the song The Next Episode." Bam. Problem solved.
6) Lastly, let's touch on the non-human in the group, Nala from The Lion King. Can't be mad at that. First, it's the name of a lion. You shouldn't judge names of things that can eat you. That lesson's been learned far too many times. Also, I can dig on names with some African flavor. Almost all the names from that movie were at least catchy. Simba, Nala, Mufasa, Rafiki; they're fun to say and they're not hurting anybody. Sounds good.

// I have one pair of khaki shorts and one pair of dill corduroys (I only call them dill because that's what it said in the catalog, I know it's dumb) that have that little pocket inside the pocket apparatus. I can't stress enough how awesome it is to have that feature. The second pocket is perfectly sized for two things: a pack of smokes or an iPhone. I assume Barack Obama is reading this, so I'll say the following: let's help our lawmakers reach across the aisle, embrace a bipartisan agenda, and work hard on passing legislation that would require all pants to feautre the tiny flap (henceforth called "second pocket") in the right pocket. How annoying is it when you're walking and your phone is flopping around like a dying fish on coke? Put in that second pocket. It feels like you're a robot and all your life you've been walking around without all of your outer plating bolted down properly. Second pocket has changed my life for the better. Join the fight.

// There's another item to add to the ever-expanding list of "Why College Football is better than the NFL": the comebacks. I thought about this last week, but I was too busy to give the point its justice and articulate it the way I wanted. Remember two weeks ago when the Colts came back against the Texans? I'll concede it was a great comeback by the Colts. It showcased a lot of moxie and was fun to watch. The fly in the ointment lies in the fact that the Colts needed the Texans to eff up or their comeback wouldn't have been possible. I feel that more often than not, such is the case in the NFL. Big, BIG comebacks can't happen unless both teams are assisting. That's no good. Allow me to take you back to October 30th, 2004. I was spending a fine weekend in Ann Arbor with fellow 'Streamer Kev and formerly-frequent commenter Mig to take in the MSU/UofM football game. My Spartans held a 17-point midway through the 4th quarter. They'd absolutely dominated the game up to that point, but Drew Stanton had just been sidelined by LaMarr Woodley. Damon Dowdell had tried his best for nearly a quarter to give the game away, but State still clung to their sizable lead with a ridiculously effective running game (368 EFFING YARDS!!!!). Then, with around 7 minutes left in regulation, something happened. Michigan - more specifically, Braylon Edwards - turned into Spiderman. I don't want to relive the details, suffice it to say the Wolverines pulled out the victory and sent me into a tear-soaked, Charlie Sheen in Platoon-like breakdown. Despite my obvious distaste for the results, I maintain to this day that it was the best football game I've ever seen in person. The reason? The manic pace and the... wait for it... the purity of the comeback. The more I look back on it, State didn't do anything to eff up. They played their second-best game of the season that night (they beat 9-0 Wisconsin two weeks later). Michigan, mostly Edwards, just earned it that much more. Chad Henne would drop back, close his eyes, and uncork a deep one in Braylon's general vicinity. It seemed like 8 different times; Braylon just went up and got it over Jaren Hayes. When even the incredibly bitter defeated party can admit the greatness of an opponent and offer a tip of the cap, that's a football game worth getting emotional over. You don't get those type of quality, no-BS comebacks in the NFL.

// Quick link. Never-Say-Neverisms. I like this kind of stuff.

// See you at week's end with picks. Au revoir.

CFB Picks Week 7 (Superstition Galore!!!)

2008-10-11T09:26:00.010-04:00

// It's Saturday morning. I feel like I'm still getting the picks in on time, but this whole thing now reminds me of back in middle school when homework would be due at the start of class and I'd be copying from Kevin's like 30 seconds before the bell rang. Weird. Building on that point, I'm mailing it in by posting some of the better pictures I've come across in my recent internet travels. Some are funny, some are interesting, some are sad. We run the gamut in these parts, Jack. Ahoy!

^ Almost made me cry. I probably shouldn't have thrown it up here.

^ Grown up Calvin and Hobbes. I loved that comic.

^ I was just thinking a couple days ago how grueling the campaign schedule must feel.

// Enough pics, let's get to the picks. I chuckled to myself after writing that... I am so alone. Week of 10/11/08. Home teams in ALL CAPS.

+ CINCINNATI (-7.5) over Rutgers -- I always spell Cincinnati with two Ts and only one N. I think it's because their was never a clever rhythmic thing to learn how to spell it like their was for Mississippi or Tennessee. If you haven't seen Rutgers play yet, consider yourself blessed. They're beyond awful. Greg Schiano seems to be suffering the same ill fate as Kirk Ferentz. Anyways, Brian Kelly is a guy I have enough faith in to lay 7.5. Book it.

+ MICHIGAN (-17) over Toledo -- There was a kid from Michigan who used to write for this blog. I think he might've gone to jail or something. Whatever, hey.... let's chalk this one up to the old "up/down" theory. Last week, Juice Williams went banana-balls in Ann Arbor. The last time Michigan was annihilated that thoroughly at home was against the Brad Banks-led Hawkeyes in 2002. It was very un-Michigan. I say they put together a nice offensive game against Toledo, a school that once hosted yours truly for 4 straight summers in band camp AWESOME KID CAMP. By the way, if this seems like I'm trying to pull a 3-week-long jinx on Michigan for the purposes of October 25th, it's because I am.

+ GEORGIA (-13.5) over Tennessee -- See? I spelled Tennessee right on the first try there. Nice! UT is really, really bad. They only scored 13 on Northern Illinois! Georgia looked bad against Bama, yeah, but jeez-o-peets. Georgia's at home and I just think their talent level dwarfs that of Tennessee. Caveat: I was thinking UT for this one for a while until I saw this completely insane item (worth the click). That's enough to lay two touchdowns right there. Next.

+ NORTHWESTERN (+1.5) over Michigan State -- Trying for the reverse jinx here. Nothing fancy.

+ CENTRAL MICHIGAN (-7.5) over Temple -- There was also a kid who went to Central that used to write for this blog. He's definitely in jail.

+ Lock of the Week: Penn State (-6) over WISCONSIN -- I'm high on Penn State, no doubt, but there's no denying they are very close to complete. Dig this as well: Wisconsin will again be without its band. That does not bode well. I'm a firm believer in the power of the band. Not that I'd ever join it. Those nerds. "Hahaha... Hey Jimmy, check this out... NERDS! Hahaha!"

Last Week: 2-2-1 (EEE)
Season: 10-10-2 (VEN STEE)
LOTW: 2-2 (VEN)

Selecciones para el Fútbol Americano de la Universidad para la Semana Seis y Otras Cosas

2008-10-03T09:17:00.008-04:00

// Lo siento for the spanish title, but I just got back from Spanish and I've got the pep in my step that can only come from hearing that sexy, sexy language. ¡Ay! In keeping with tradition, I'd like to crack wise about a few non-football items before we delve into this week's version of the inevitable disaster known as "my picks". For yours truly, yesterday was a day dominated by the presidential election. After my morning classes, I moseyed on over to the West Circle side of the MSU campus to take in the most dynamic speaker since Cyrus in The Warriors: Barack Obama. The gates opened at 11:30, so I surmised that if I staked my claim in the queue at 10:15 I'd be good to go. Gargantuan mistake. I've only been to Cedar Point twice in my life, so my frame of reference is pretty limited, but this line was at least quadruple anything I've seen in Sandusky. The final attendance estimates pegged the crowd at 20,000+. If that's truly the case, I'd say 80% of the mob was ahead of me in line an hour and a half before the gate. The feeling of awe that overcame me seems weird; I've seen way bigger crowds before. I've spent many fall Saturdays in East Lansing and Ann Arbor, whose stadiums hold 75,000+ and 105,000+, respectively. Why the incredulity at a crowd roughly 1/5th the size of the Big House? It was the line. At its point of greatest girth, the line was 3-4 people wide, so my perspective was skewed. Quickly summing up this pointless, boring story: I remained standing for about 6 hours, quite possibly my longest non-sitting stretch since my prolific profit-lowering days at Tim Horton's. The speech given by the next President (any doubters remain?) was good, albeit a tad lacking in specifics. But nowadays, whose speeches aren't like that? Overall, I'm glad I went. When I got home, a quick dinner and some good dialogue with my roommate Stick-Peezy set the table for the Vice-Presidential debate. My initial viewing motive was to see the anticipated train-wreck by the woman who is single-handedly redefining the word train-wreck, Sarah Palin. Surprisingly, she wasn't that awful. While she did answer questions like one of the perps in Law & Order being interrogated by Jesse Martin and Jerry Orbach (my favorite duo), her overall demeanor in dealing with Senator Biden's offense was commendable. The majority of pundits are calling the debate a tie, and I can't disagree. I had one critique of Biden while watching: I found myself wishing he would dole out more thinly-veiled criticisms of A) Palin's complete lack of experience in national policy-making, and B) the Republican party as a whole and the leadership of the past 8 years. I'm paraphrasing here, but Palin had many comments that basically alluded to, "Sorry, Senator Biden, but I don't think America's been happy with how the government's been running things lately." Just once - once - I wish Biden would have came back with, "You're absolutely right, Governor Palin. The government's been doing a terrible job the last 8 years, that's the main reason Senator Obama and I are running. The American people deserve new leadership, new policies, and new ideas in the White House. Four years under John McCain wouldn't give our country the change it needs and deserves, and I thank you for bringing up that point." OK, so I thought about that for a while. During the debate, I had a moment of self-realization; I don't think I'd make it as a speech writer - I come off too smug and petty. But if Biden said something to that effect, I don't think that would get construed as a super-harsh verbal barb, just some balls-y rancor. Enough blather, let's talk college ball.

// Jeez-o-peets, where to begin? Last week, while very fun to watch, was disastrous to me in the picks column. Earlier this week, my failings were kindly pointed out to me by noted fantasy sports warlord Hugh Noet. Hubris be damned, I have to write a rebuttal rationalization. A couple of my ridiculous pratfalls can be attributed to lack of knowledge and/or good judgment. I called Florida my second choice for "Lock of the Week". Oops. I basically called USC a perfect team. Again, oops. When favorites that big lose outright and I can't see it, there's no way around it. That's bad. The other losses I didn't feel as bad about. Ohio State failed to cover solely because of garbage time points by the Gophers. Michigan... well, Michigan. Where's my silver lining there? I owe a sincere mea culpa to the football deities for holding the maize & blue in such low regard. I hope that doesn't bite me on the rump on October 25th. In my defense, I did sort of call the upset when I said this was the first time I'd even picked against UofM - even in my unfathomably-beautiful-blonde-hair-covered head - and that Michigan would make me pay the price. I'm really grasping at straws here. Touché, Coach Rodriguez. Really though, even my wins - which were like finding two pennies on the same day your house burns down - were marred by my post-pick babbling in which I said I wasn't too sure about them. So, it all begs the question: what does a now-.500 prognosticator do after a meltdown like my week 5? He cinches up the belt, give himself two (2) slightly-harder-than-they-need-to-be smacks on the cheek, and puts his head down like he's 4th and goal from the 1. LET'S HIT IT!

// Week of 10/4/08. Home teams in ALL CAPS.

+ Penn State (-14) over PURDUE -- I feel ashamed I have to ask this, but who has the final say for what time games are played? It has to be either the home team, the conference, or the media outlet, right? If it is in fact the home team (and I think that's true in most cases), shame on Purdue. You're playing host to the 6th-ranked Nittanies, coming off their best win of the season, and it's a nooner? At least give yourselves a chance! What I like about Penn State is this: the defense is fast (not great, but fast) and the offense can adapt and score in a variety of ways. By the way, how about Derrick Williams? Lauded as one of the best athletes in the country on the recruiting trail, he was a freshman during Penn State's dream '05 and looked ultra-promising. His potential has gone - for the most part - unrealized. Last week, though... what a sight. 1999 Peter Warrick-esque. Dig it: I look at this game and I can't shake a couple thoughts. Purdue looks like a team without any chutzpah. They crapped away a home game to Oregon, squeaked by LeFevour and Central, and then last week they played Notre Dame. In such a big rivalry game for the Boilers, they came out flatter than the 2-liters of Fresca my Dad drinks over 10-day intervals. FYI: Fresca = terrible. Purdue's toothless persona plus a Penn State team that looks bona fide championship-caliber equals a home dog that I can't give a second glance to. JoePa wins by 17-20.

+ ALABAMA (-16.5) over Kentucky -- It's funny to think that a year ago, Kentucky probably would've been favored in this tilt, regardless of venue. That's why - as you can recall - I deemed Saint Nicholas the best coach in the SEC. I want to quickly mention one of the countless reasons why college football is so much better than the professional variety. Last week, Bama was excellent; truly a joy to watch. Aside from last year's Pats, excellence is something you rarely see in the NFL. The Cowboys - thought invincible by many - lost in a fashion that was much worse than their score against the Redskins indicated. I enjoy watching a team (read: any team not playing my Spartans) that is 100% in sync. Right about now, Roll Tide fits that bill to a T. Kentucky doesn't have the personnel to hang with Bama, especially during the hero's welcome Bama will receive at Bryant-Denny. Lay these points, baby.

+ Texas Tech (-8) over KANSAS STATE -- I hate it when I vehemently disagree with Vegas. They're so good at what they do, my big disagreements feel inherently wrong. You know what I say to that? I say to that what I say to a lot of things: EFF IT. My record notwithstanding, I'm not a complete idiot. I know some things. First, Texas Tech can score score score score score. Score. Mike Leach puts up points like the Cohens put up Ryan in The OC. Yeah, I watch the show online. Take away my dude license, I don't care. Second, Kansas State has never been the same since Bill Snyder left. They're an afterthought. An also-ran. At best. I don't think they can stay within 8 points of the Sexual Orientation Ambiguous Zorros. Book it.

+ Lock of the Week: Ohio State (-2) over WISCONSIN -- Another home dog. And I wonder why I'm not better at this. Hey, I've got an idea! Are you busy right now? No? Good, let's take a leisurely stroll down Flimsy Reasoning Avenue. A line of two - in a sport in which Vegas usually spots the home team 4 or 4.5 points - means it's not too far removed from a pick 'em. If someone came up and asked what I thought about this game straight up and then offered me a piece of blueberry-flavored coffee cake, I'd say, "I think Ohio State will win this game, and yes, I would love some of that coffee cake." It's Terrell Pryor's first Big Ten road game, and a more daunting challenge than a night game in Camp Randall is hard to find. I think a heavy dose of Beanie Wells and the mean Buckeye defense can carry most of the load to the point where they might only need TP to make 3-4 dynamic plays. I say he does it. Plus, I'm still upset with Wisconsin for enticing me into breaking one of my life-long cardinal rules of picks by looking sexy last week. Go have a Halloween party, jerks.

+ MICHIGAN STATE (-7) over Iowa -- Shocker, I know. Can you blame me, though? Iowa's allegedly stout D gave up three TDs through the air last week. Granted, they shut down 'Stream favorite Tyrell Sutton, but allow me to channel my inner Sean Salisbury (we absolutely don't miss you, Sean) for a second when I say, "I've seen Javon Ringer, I've followed Javon Ringer, I've scouted Javon Ringer, and I can tell you, Tyrell Sutton is no Javon Ringer!" Ok... whoa. Whoa. Boy, I gotta be careful. One can only stay in Salisbury mode for so long; any more than 20 seconds and you risk developing an urge to frost your tips once you turn 47. If the Hawkeyes do manage to ring in Ringer (zing), this game could get pretty interesting. Brian Hoyer doesn't inspire a ton of confidence, although he did look much better at Indiana last week. I think the Spartan defense will have a nice day against Iowa QB Stanzi (quick note: WHO?!?), especially with the return of Kendell Davis-Clark. In the end, I feel better about this spread than I did against Indiana. The most underrated factor of your team being coached by Dantonio is his refusal to let your team play flat for more than a quarter. MSU no longer plays to the level of their competition. They beat the teams they're supposed to beat, and they keep it close enough for a miracle against teams they shouldn't. Go Green!

Last Week: 2-4
Season: 8-8-1
LOTW: 1-2 (yikes)

Gooooooa-teeeeee!

2008-09-30T09:48:00.005-04:00

// Those Tigers. Two things really stuck out in my mind as I was watching last night's 8-2 loss to the South Siders. First, the Tigers ended the season the same way they played throughout most of it: sorely lacking clutch hitting and employing an incredibly reliable bullpen. What? Reliable? Yes, reliable. The bullpen was reliable in that not one single Tigers fan ever felt safe with any lead at any point throughout - what I'm considering - the second most disappointing season by a Detroit team in my lifetime. In case you were wondering, I consider the Lions' 2005 season to be the most disappointing, if only because they showed so much promise in the 2nd half of '04. That season marked the end of my innocence as not only a Lions fan, but a sports honk in general. Anyways, I submit that this year's Tigers were almost as equally disappointing. Obviously, the $137.7 million payroll makes the sting a bit more potent. But that's not what hurts the most. The Tigers are Detroit's flagship team, more so than even the Lions or Red Wings (btw, methinks the Pistons are a distant 6th behind UofM and MSU football). The Detroit area had its hopes set so high for the Tigs, and therein lies the reason this season felt so much worse than just "highly-paid underacheivement". The Tigers turned in embarrassingly sub-par performances that we witnessed all season. Each one felt like the same kick in the stomach, which hurt even more when one considers the current state of everything non-sports related all over the metro area. The existence of sport, when broken down to its most basic function, is escapism. It's why Rome had the Colosseum. When there is great entertainment afoot, people don't pay as much mind to their real-world problems. The incredible buzz generated by off-season acquisitions and the (seemingly surefire) improvement of young stars was even further enhanced by Michigan's desire to lose itself in what they thought was to be an excellent team. Those aspirations were quickly dashed during the 2-10 start. Although the team had its little hot streaks from time to time, the writing was on the wall as early as mid-April. There would be no repeating 2006. I suppose there is only one thing in which to take solace: spring training begins in 5 months.

// I want to talk about TV for a bit. Some time ago, I railed pretty hard against Entourage. In my mind, the show had become stagnant and bland. After watching the first 4 episodes of Season 5, I'm very pleased to report that this is generally no longer the case. The way I see it: three very good episodes, and one that was pretty bad. Given the current amount of absolute garbage on television, I'll take a .750 hitter any day. They've corrected some huge mistakes, chief among them being the cohesiveness of the storylines. In seasons 3 & 4, it seemed like every episode hopped and skipped to something that had nothing to do with the one previous, like the show itself had incurred dissociative identity disorder. This season, it looks like we have 2 or maybe 3 nice, season-long story arcs. The writing has improved as well, and that in turn is making the actors seem much less ridiculous. Kudos to Doug Ellin and his band of merry men for giving us a watchable show again. Turning to a show that has yet to hiccup, The Office season premier was outstanding. If you haven't seen it, get on Hulu and hammer it out. Top notch stuff.

// In this life, there are sometimes things that are both incredibly self-explanatory and incredibly nonsensical simultaneously. Ladies and gentlemen, collectible vinyl babies dressed up as M&M's. I can only imagine the people who buy these things.

// I saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall. The short review: it was good. It was a very entertaining movie with a good mix of screwball comedy and slapstick comedy set against a decent enough romantic backdrop. I liked it and have recommended it to several people who haven't yet had the pleasure. That said, three effing discs? Forrest Gump didn't merit three discs. I think they fit Band of Brothers on less than three discs. For the life of me, I can't begin to fathom what they could be blathering on about for three discs. What do they have, 6 different commentaries? Come on.

// Americans Search for "Wizards", "Cupcakes", and "Sex Toys" More Often Than "Financial Crisis". This is oooouuuuurrrr country. BTW, who just types in "cupcakes"? Are their people out there who are that into cupcakes that they'll just take whatever general information there is? I could maybe understand typing "cupcake recipes", although I still can't imagine that often. Seriously, what gives?

// I like when someone does/says something really, really stupid or ill-contrived and then makes a sincere and genuine apology for it. I like seeing redemption. We all make mistakes, right? Right. So in a case in which the offending party is sincere and not just paying lip service, I feel they deserve forgiveness. Josh Howard, a forward on the Mavericks, made some very disparaging remarks about the Star-Spangled Banner and the US in general some time ago. Basically, he said he didn't celebrate the song because he's black. Many people took that as an implication that he doesn't care for the country because he feels it doesn't care for him, despite his hefty salary and the lifestyle it affords him. On Monday, Howard made his mea culpa during the Mavs' media day.

"I apologize to everybody I've offended," the 6-7 forward said. "I'm upset with myself and the way I've acted. It was just me joking around. I just wasn't using my head. I learned that words really do hurt and you are held accountable for what you said. I went to military school. I have friends that serve in the military. I know how it is to wake up and salute the flag. In the national anthem every game, I have my hand over my heart. It was just me not thinking."

You can peep the video if you want to see his demeanor. Personally, I believe he's being honest and he truly regrets his mistake. More often than not, I feel the public apologies given by athletes/celebrities/politicians are not true apologies, they're just acknowledgments of guilt. My mom used to call me on this when I wasn't truly sorry for one of my (countless) transgressions. She used the ubiquitous go-to line, "You're not sorry, you're just sorry you got caught." I think Josh Howard's sincerity deserves notice.

// The New Penny. Good gravy, why on Earth are they putting out special edition pennies? For crying out loud! Pennies! Nobody even likes pennies! I've said this non-bloggingly many times to anyone who would listen, but I'll say it again. Congress should enact a law that requires all non-electronic transactions to be adjusted in price so the final cost with tax included ends in a multiple of five cents. It just makes sense. I'm seeing Obama speak up here on Thursday. Maybe if I put on my Groucho Marx glasses I can get close enough to lay this whole thing out for him. One can only hope.

// Obligatory Star Wars Related Link: Lightsaber Chopsticks. They're exactly what they sound like.

// MAYBE NSFW. Lastly, dig this video. It looks like a ruse, right? Wrong. I know! The video just looks like a poor attempt at humor, but it's legitimate. Like the salad said to the soup, "I'm all mixed up!" (note: I stole that line from the season premier of The Simpsons, specifically Flanders)

// Ta-ta for now, party people.

Looking For Something To Do?

2008-09-25T20:00:00.002-04:00

// Website of note: Last.fm I have been using this website constantly since I found it. If your iPod needs a kick of fresh music then this site is for you. It basically streams free music, and when I say music, I mean every single possible song that you could think of. This alone makes it a great website, but the tool that you can download has changed my life. Once you download the software you can connect it to your iTunes. Once you play a song in iTunes all the info for the artist pops up along with a recommendation list. After you play about 20 songs you can go into the program and it will start streaming live music of what it thinks you would like, based on what you've been playing in your iTunes. It's like the greatest radio station ever. I've already downloaded about 80 songs since using this that I've either never heard of before or just didn't know the name of it. Highly recommended.

// Another website of note: thesmartass.info Stupid name, pretty good website. Actually the website kind of sucks, but they make up for it by making it possible to play old school Nintendo games and Sega Genisis games. Lots of hours of my life have already been wasted because of this.

// They just don't make tv shows like they used to. This is a clip from Magnum P.I., what's important to realize is that this show was on the air for like the entire 80's. THIS ACTUALLY PASSED AS GOOD TV.

Great "oops" delivery.

College Picks Week 5 et al.

2008-09-25T11:02:00.004-04:00

// Before we get to the picks, I'd like to share one of the many beefs I have with ESPN: that gosh damn ticker. In theory, the ticker they fire at the bottom of the telly is a nice feature. When they came up with the idea, the thought probably was, "Yeah, we'll just go through scores and the significant stats rapid-fire. That way, people will get the information on their team without having to sit through the whole show." That line of thought might've been met with some initial hesitation. After all, don't the ESPN honchos want you to watch more and more? It doesn't matter, I guess. Here's my problem with the ticker: it's like a salesman at a place like Home Depot. By that I mean there's never one around when you actually need assistance with something, but if you're just browsing (my father can do this for hours and I've unfortunately been in tow for a couple rounds), their are salesman on you like starving men on a Christmas ham. Such is the case with the ticker. If the only score I wanna see is the Tigers-Indians, I feel like it never comes up in less than 20 minutes. Vice-versa: if I'm watching SportsCenter in a casual manner - just peeping the day in sports - I feel like the ticker ruins my enjoyment. This happened this morning: I was watching SC and they led with last night's Mets-Cubs game. I'd watched the game up until the middle of the tenth inning, but I chose to switch off to see the movie Talk to Me on HBO. By the way, that was one of the best movies I've seen in a while. Dynamite acting, funny, moving, good message; the movie had a lot. Getting back to the story, the point is this: I didn't see the end of the game, nor did I pursue a box score when I woke up this morning. ESPN was breaking it to me for the first time. Much to my chagrin, the ending of the game - and the idea of the highlights telling me the story - was ruined because the effing ticker showed the final score of the game well before they'd even gotten to the extra-innings highlights. In the four-bedroom brownstone I like to call "Why I Despise ESPN", the ticker is like a breakfast nook. It makes me want to rip the hair out of my head.

// How about some picks? Hit it! Week of 9/27/08. Home teams in ALL CAPS.

+ Northwestern (+8.5) over IOWA -- My thinking on this one comes down to two basic ideas. 1) This figures to be a VERY low-scoring game. Iowa has displayed a fine defense thus far and is likely to at least slow down 'Stream favorite Tyrell Sutton and his 6.1 YPC. On the flip side of the ball, I don't think it matters if NW's defense is good or bad; Iowa's offense has been anemic at best (93rd nationally), and they're currently considering three different QBs. This is not a recipe for a scoreboard bonanza. 2) If I was picking this game straight up, I'd still have to give it some thought. I would eventually go with Iowa, but it'd take some time to reach that conclusion. Given that, I think 8.5 points is too much for the Hawkeyes to lay. One day I'll break down how Kirk Ferentz slowly became a victim of his own success.

+ FLORIDA (-22.5) over Ole Miss -- I almost made this my lock of the week (below) until I saw a more tantalizing line. Still, this seems pretty close to a lock. Ole Miss has been giving up almost 22 points a game, and to foes not nearly of the same caliber as Tebow and the Gators. Meanwhile, Florida's defense - much maligned a year ago - has been murdering opposing offenses. Statistically it's the best defense in the SEC and top 10 nationally. Urban Meyer is also a smart guy. He knows that the more he gets the reputation of highlighting his marquee individuals (Tebow), the better it will serve his recruiting in the long run. That's why he feeds Tebow so often, especially in-conference. This has the makings of a blowout. It's best not to make the equation too complicated, so here's what I got: Florida will score at least somewhere in the 35-38 range, and I don't think they give up more than a touchdown to the Rebels. Math.

+ OHIO STATE (-18) over Minnesota -- Terrelle Pryor had some really deft touch on some of those passes last week, didn't he? If all the surrounding hype about him turns out to be warranted, Ohio State's domination of the Big Ten will continue unabated. I hope this isn't the case, but he's yet to do anything that raises doubt. In the case of this fracas, I think the backfield combination the country's been waiting to see (him with Chris Wells) will do what's expected. Namely, score and score and score. Minnesota's getting better, but they're still a long way from staying close with the Buckeyes. At home. In the Big Ten opener. Looking to quell all who doubt their superiority in the Midwest. Eighteen is a pretty big line, but don't let the USC game fool you. USC is a different class of team than pretty much everybody right now. The Buckeyes are still a good team. Way too good for the Gophers.

+ Southern Cal (-26.5) over OREGON STATE -- In my preseason preview, I said USC wouldn't win a conference game by less than 14 points. I meant they'd win that much over the decent Pac-10 teams like Arizone State or Cal. The Beavers from Corvallis are not on the same tier as ASU or Cal, and I think the margin of victory in this game will reflect that. The Trojans are clicking on all cylinders right now, and there are a couple other things working in their favor. They're playing with an extra week of rest while Oregon State is playing with a short week. It's a nationally televised night game, and Pete Carroll's squads do the best when the light is brightest. Lastly, they have a psych edge: their last trip to Corvallis went awry, as the Trojans were ranked #3 and riding a 38-game regular season win streak. The Beavers upset them. Don't underestimate the vengeance factor. Fight on.

+ Lock of the Week: Wisconsin (-6.5) over MICHIGAN -- True story: I actually did a Looney Tunes-esque double take when I saw this line at 6.5. Wisconsin has a very fine football team; don't sleep on that win over Fresno State out in Cali. That was an outstanding win. Against a quality opponent. Far away from home. At night. Not many squads have the moxie for that. Michigan, on the other hand, has been disappointing so far, and that's saying something when you consider the expectations weren't very high to begin with. The one thing the Wolverines could always seem to count on - as long as I can even remember - was quality play from the offensive line. It seems the graduations and defections have taken their toll. Dig this as well: Wisconsin has a very good defense, and Michigan's personnel is a terrible fit for the offense they're running. I'll be flummoxed, nay, flabbergasted if the Maize & Blue can keep this within 10. (Side note: I've made it a policy to never ever ever pick against UofM, because I've always thought as soon as I do I'll end up eating my words. Finally picking against them after all these years feels strange, but I guess I'm taking that as a sign of how confident I am that the Badgers will cover.)

+ Just For My Personal Edification: Michigan State (-8.5) over INDIANA -- I'm not super-serious about this one. State looked very good last week, especially the D-line. Them being able to get pressure from just the front 4 was - to me - the biggest factor in the game. Kellen Lewis, the Hoosier QB, is definitely more mobile than Jimmy Clausen. However, this might make him more susceptible to blitzes from corners and safeties as he tries to scramble away from pressure, especially when IU's leading receiver has 14 catches on the year. Peep this as well: last week, IU gave up 166 yards on 29 carries and 4 touchdowns to MiQuale Lewis (glorious name, btw) of Ball State. I feel like Dantonio will feed Javon Ringer around 30 times; much less than his per-game average so far this year but still allowing him 170 yards and 3 scores. Given all that, I'd be remiss if I failed to mention that Michigan State is THE #1 BEST TEAM IN THE COUNTRY at crapping out huge let-down games after wins over rivals. Still, I'm taking the Spartans. I might be biased. Go Green!

+ So Far This Season: 6-3-1, Lock of the Week: 1-1

Your Week: So Far, Soooo Good!

2008-09-24T20:15:00.005-04:00

// First, the obvious: in terms of events that weren't on the actual field of play, this has been the best Detroit sports day of my young life. Matt Millen - long-time Wile E. Coyote to the rest of the NFL's Road Runner - was finally ess-canned today after spending the better part of a decade as a saboteur GM for my beloved Lions. Just when I thought the day couldn't get any better, Todd Jones announced his retirement via his Sporting News column (more on that below)! When's the last time a major sports city got rid of its two most maddening characters in the same day? This might be unprecedented.

// With regard to Millen (bow your head and raise one hand to the heavens). His legacy will clearly be a near-random run of personnel gaffes and PR miscues, but how will his poor reputation stand up to the test of time? In terms of modern-day sports executives, there's no question he's on the Mount Rushmore of Fecal-Quality Management. The question becomes: does he rank #1 in badness? It's hard to say. Detroiters have a bias because they remember the halfway decent Lions that graced the gridiron right before Millen. There are certainly challengers to Matty's throne of embarassment. Isiah Thomas (who's middle name is Lord, a fact that gets swept under the rug too often) definitely gives Millen a run for his money. The tandem of Rod Graves & Bill Bidwill has been very Millen-esque in Arizona. Former Detroit Tiger GM Randy Smith was also top-tier terrible. I suppose time will tell to what degree of horrible Millen's tenure will ultimately be remembered as. My friends, it's not yet the time for recollection. Now is a time to rejoice! Sing the good news from a mountain(!!!): the Lions might get back to 9-7 in only a couple years!

// I'm less excited about this next one. Jonesy. Hot Toddy. Roller Coaster. He was known by several different names, but his body of work would never be mistaken for anyone else's. In the last 3 years, Todd Jones has made me use almost as many obscenities as the big toe on my left foot, which I stub against my bed so often I'm beginning to think it's magnetic. As the closer of the Tigs, his ERA has hovered around 4.50 since the 2006 season. Think about what that means. Way more often than not, he's pitching one inning of ball. If his ERA is around 4.50, it can be construed that every single time he comes in, there's a 50% chance he'll give up a run. It was despicable. While he did rack up 75 saves between '06 and '07, the two words I would least use to describe him were "effective" and "consistent". He was only effective in boosting the other team's confidence. He was only consistent in helping FSN Detroit keep their audience even if the game was a blowout. That said, he was - in a very strange way - extremely likable. Maybe it was his southern heritage and the inherent "aw shucks" quality. Maybe it was the glory of that handlebar moustache. Maybe it was the time I heard him call into 1270 WXYT with a nice buzz going. Whatever the case might've been, I feel like Jonesy's departure is bittersweet. Yeah, he sucked at closing games, and that's not a good quality to have as a closer. But he was our guy, a true Tiger. I'll probably miss him next year when Fernando Rodney is even worse.

// Quick TV note before some links. I watched Heroes for the first time the other night. My company: my roommate (maybe the best person to watch TV with ever) and his girlfriend (longtime Heroes fan, serving as our de facto tour guide). Despite somewhat sluggish ratings, the show is still pretty popular. The weird thing for me is I can't name 5 people I know that are into it. About 10 minutes into my first Heroes experience, I found out why this is. There cannot be a more asinine show on TV. Before you think, "Well, you just don't know the storylines.", let me break it down. There's a little Asian fellow who's name is Hiro. By the way, congratulations to the writers on being clever. That must be awesome. Anyway, Hiro's power is twofold: not only can he freeze time (essentially giving him the ability to teleport), but he can also travel back and forth in time to the tune of thousands of years. My first time catching up with Hiro (who is on the show Heroes, hilarious!) saw him chasing a thief with super-speed. Her power was pretty intense; she had speed that looked like The Flash or someone of the same ilk. So, super-speed blond girl ganked something from Hiro, I forget what. Hiro uses his time-traveling ability and his time-stopping ability at the same time (nice) so he can see who this mystery speedster is. Without any explanation before or any subsequent explanation thereafter, the blond super-speed thief woman un-freezes and begins talking to Hiro. After a brief exchange, she punched Hiro right in the nose (a moment that made me smile after I realized how much I dislike Hiro). Hiro, his nose just bloodied, stays on the ground dumbfounded and looking like he just farted in a meeting or something. I wanted to give him a memo, but I didn't have a pen or paper, so I had to yell, "GO BACK IN EFFING TIME AND DODGE THE EFFING PUNCH! YOU CAN TRAVEL THROUGH TIME AND FREEZE TIME IN PLACE! YOU CAN RULE THE WORLD WITH VERY LITTLE EFFORT!" The storylines of Heroes - which raise more questions than a Shawn Kemp pregnancy - aren't the only thing keeping this show from being even respectable. The dialog between the characters is very post-1995 George Lucas. By that, I mean that the characters say a lot of things that are unnecessary and/or said in a way that's totally unreflective of how people actually talk. Bottom line: if you're not watching Heroes, don't worry about it. If you are watching Heroes, you need to reexamine some things.

// I was watching college football highlights on Sunday morning. During the recap of East Carolina versus N.C. State, a game that turned out to be ECU's first loss, there was a shot of a kid holding a sign that said ECU Streak Pauses Now. You can't pause a streak, idiot. Streaks end.

// I really hate bad commercials and/or marketing, and I make that known often. Flip that coin, playa. I love seeing a piece of good/clever marketing. Case in point. Gotta watch the whole video.

// America: The Gift Shop. I would probably buy some of these. I got a weird feeling after browsing that. Like, "Gosh, I really can't wait for our country to be good again."

// I had this article saved for a while and I actually forgot about it. I don't say this about many things: highly recommended. Entertaining AND thought-provoking. Thoughts like, "should I move out of the country?" Dig it: Remember ICP? It turns out they're still around. In fact, they have a borderline-religious following of "Juggalos" that have a massive festival to pay homage. I always associated ICP with the kids in middle school who wore JNCO jeans and had that haircut where most of the head was buzzed real tight, save for the super-long, half-inch wide strip on the top. Ahhh.... good times. Seriously, good article.

// I'm definitely not the most efficient person in the world, and I've never claimed to be. I waste an absolutely gargantuan amount of time doing "nothing". Let me clear up what I mean by "nothing". It's not "nothing" in the sense that I stand still in the middle of my bedroom for a couple of hours. Rather, "nothing" refers to the total amount of enjoyment and/or benefit I accrue from my various time-wasting activities. It's good to know I'm not alone.

... And Your Boy Kelllllsss

2008-09-18T19:14:00.000-04:00

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

2008-09-18T16:22:00.003-04:00

// Season 5 of The Office starts next week, and in honor of that: Every single 'that's what she said' jokes from the show.

// The first time I watched this video I gave it a laugh. But on a second take, I realized that I feel like sending him one of these emails. I just saw Semi-Pro for the first time a couple of weeks ago, and watching it I felt like I've already seen it 10 times. He really needs to stop being Ron Burgandy in every single movie that he does.

// Take a look at this picture of Amy Winehouse and I guarantee a "Jesus Christ" will come out of your mouth. Honestly how is she not dead yet.

// See how I did that? Titling the post "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" ^3 things that apply to this. Yeah, suck it.

Week 4 College Picks et al.

2008-09-18T10:43:00.003-04:00

// I wanted to start off with this picture and this song if only because they set the tone equally for a brief glossing of national politics and the kick-ass nature of college and its football.

// Soooo much stuff has happened since I last posted. By the way, sincere apologies for not getting picks in on time last week. If my record is any indication, me not putting my two cents in can only help the internet community at large. The lesson, as always: don't gamble unless you're good at it. So far this season - on games I actually put sheckles on - I'm down $180. That's not the number you're hoping for when you're newly unemployed (yes, I quit working at a golf course because I'm stupid) and spend 30 dollars a week on smokables. Eff it. Like I said, so much has happened. The Federal Reserve looks like it's hell-bent on becoming incorporated (and eventually going bankrupt), the Presidential race mud-slinging has kicked up a notch, and my Lions have set a new NFL record for "earliest point in the season in which fans watching on TV launch into obscenity-laced tirades even when nothing particularly bad is happening". The biggest news we've yet to hit on, however, is the suddenly prolific exposure of Sarah Palin. I don't want to drag on too long because I have some good thoughts on this week's NCAA games, but dig this: her impact on McCain's candidacy is summed up with the tried and true phrase "no press is bad press". I love that saying, especially for its dichotomous nature. First, take it as such: any news said about something is - at least primarily - beneficial to that subject. McCain's campaign was stagnant and boring in nature when compared to the dynamic Obama, at least until Palin signed up. Her nomination as Vice-Preezy gobbles up massive amounts of headlines. In this race, the publicity she brings - even if the topic is as uncouth as a knocked up Jonas Brothers fan - is great for the GOP's profile on the whole. Secondly, "no press is bad press" can be construed into a line of reasoning that, while somewhat circular, leads to a different point. McCain could've chosen a VP that he thought was actually right for the job (and if anyone thinks he thought Sarah Palin was the absolute correct choice, tell them not to have kids), but that wouldn't have grabbed much attention. He would've been stuck with "no news". Not having news about you is bad news. See what I did there? I'm a wordsmith. Like a blacksmith, but white. And using words instead of hammers.

// Let's get to the picks. Week of 9/20/08. Home Teams in ALL CAPS.

+ Lock of the Week: PENN STATE (-29) over Temple -- Yeah, 29 points is an utterly insane spread. That number should scare some people away, perhaps rightfully so. Here's why I think Penn State wins by more than four touchies: Penn State has faced Coastal Carolina, Oregon State, and Syracuse. Granted, none of those teams are any good, but the Nittanies still beat them collectively 166-37. That's an average of 55.3-12.3. Plus, even though the three aforementioned teams are bad, none of them are nearly as bad as Temple, save for Coastal Carolina, and that might be a push. PSU's new "Spread HD" offense (by the way, I put it in quotes because I have no idea what it means or how it works, like I would put "Velcro" in quotes) ranks 8th nationally with a very balanced attack (819 pass yards, 789 rush yards). Throw in JoePa's subconscious desire to embarass a school that dares to play football in the same state that he does, and you have the ingredients of what we in the (very) amateur prognostication biz call "football rape". Next.

+ Florida (-7.5) over TENNESSEE -- It might be dangerous picking against a home dog in the SEC, but I'm a risk taker. I take risk. Anyway, my theory on these two teams has less to do with what I've seen so far on the field (read: very little) and more to do with the dynamics of their relationship. Florida used to dominate throughout the 90s. First with Spurrier's elite squads of the early years and then they feasted on Peyton Manning's address in Choke City. After Tee Martin (who?) broke through that barrier and Ron Zook took the reins in Gainesville, the momentum shifted drastically save for a few upsets. Urban Meyer is the Jim Tressel to Phil Fulmer's Lloyd Carr. If you want to make Meyer into Lloyd Carr - and who wouldn't? - try this on: Meyer = Carr and Fulmer = Cooper. I feel like the whole "one coaching completely owning the other" is a trend that never gets enough credit. Oh yeah, Florida has much better football players, save for UT's Eric Berry, a boner-inducing safety cut from the same cloth as Polamalu, Dawkins, Lynch and Sharper. He might be faster.

+ Virginia Tech (+3) over NORTH CAROLINA -- Remember Boston College last season? They came (a little bit) out of nowhere and ran through their first 8 games unblemished? Florida State came up to Beantown in November and handled Matt Ryan & Co. The lesson: a conference's historically better, old warhorses have a mental edge over their upstart counterparts. UNC is much improved, and that was expected with the arrival of well above-average recruiting man Butch Davis (who I kind of wanted for MSU). They looked great last Thursday in pillaging Rutgers in Piscataway. Perhaps too great? I think they fall back to Earth as Frank Beamer and the Hokies maintain their status quo.

+ PURDUE (-10.5) over Central Michigan -- I hate to do this to my CMU cronies, but when it comes to picking football games against the spread, you have to leave emotion out of the equation. It's exactly like having intercourse, only less embarassing if you do it wrong. Purdue won last year in the Motor City Bowl by 3. First, I don't think Central is as good this year as they were last year. Still a good team, maybe the 2nd best team in the state, but not as hungry or deep 2 years removed from Brian Kelly. Second, I think Purdue is better than they were last year (they lost at home to MSU? What?). The program's been stagnating for too long and Joe Tiller is too good a coach to not coax 9 or 10 wins out of the Boilers. Combine those two theories and add in the fact that this tilt will be at Ross-Ade and not a Chippewa-heavy Ford Field, and I like Purdue to cover. Barely.

+ MICHIGAN STATE (-9) over Notre Dame -- To be completely honest, I can't even decide if this is a homer pick or not. I saw the Michigan-ND game last week, and I saw Michigan's game the week before. Michigan - admittedly a very mediocre team this year - is not nearly as bad as they were last week. They made Notre Dame look better than they are. The score will tend to be lopsided when one team commits 26 turnovers. Notre Dame also had the psych edge from getting their asses handed to them by UM the previous season, so the vengeance factor was in full effect. That being said, 2008 Notre Dame isn't 2007 Notre Dame. They are better, and this game will be better than last year's MSU-ND game, which State won by 17 - a score not entirely indicative of the domination. I don't think Dantonio's squad will make the unforced errors that Michigan did. Hence, ND won't be able to make b.s. 20-yard touchdown drives. The factor that pushes MSU into a 17 or 20 point victory: harnessed rage stemming from the 2006 game, the final 4th-quarter nosedive in the abortion of a career of John L. Smith. After the '06 game, I put on my 1952 National Championship season MSU helmet, went down to Spartan Spirit liquor store and spent my last $20 on a fifth of JD, went to the adjacent alley in the pouring rain, and split the booze with a bum for the better part of an hour. Not this time, Charlie Tuna. Booze, yes. Bum, no. Go Green.

+ So Far This Season: 3-2, Lock of the Week: 0-1